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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed that DP refuses to tell me where he went?

80 replies

ApignamedJasper · 20/04/2015 16:18

Yesterday I was home from work before DP got back and was on the phone when he got in. He milled around for a while before getting in the car and driving off, didn't attempt to speak to me at all in that time.

He was gone at least 2 hours and didn't answer the phone when I called or messaged him (although we are in a rural area so there is a good chance that he didn't have any signal etc).

When he got back I asked where he went so suddenly and he refused to tell me, just kept saying 'it's private' and 'it's none of your business/nothing to do with you'. Aibu to feel really annoyed and upset that he won't tell me where he was? I'm not trying to keep tabs on him or anything, I don't mind where he went I just think it's common courtesy to let anyone you are in a relationship know where you're going late at night and roughly when you will be back. I have no secrets from DP and would (and do) tell him everything.

Aibu to be really hurt that he won't do the same? He doesn't do it on a regular basis but it has happened before and it's eating away at me where he could have been. I just feel like if it was completely innocent then why wouldn't he tell me? In my mind the only reason he would want to hide where he went is if he knew I wouldn't be happy about it :(

OP posts:

sunbathe · 20/04/2015 16:54

Was he sulking, because you were on the phone and ignoring him? So he went off to ignore you for a bit, maybe.

Perhaps he's embarrassed about it now.

Model5 · 20/04/2015 16:54

I think it's very odd too. I don't demand to know my Dh's evey move but he wouldn't leave without saying I'm popping out, be back in a couple of hours. If I asked he'd tell me where and if it was I've had a tough day an need a bit of time to clear my head, that wold be fine (although worrying).

If he is up to no good he's not very good at it, or he'd have had an answer ready!

It does sound like a bit of a power trip and that is not on. Does he do this kind of thing a lot?

Allwayslookingforanswers · 20/04/2015 16:59

I got myself really wound up once as my DP (now DH) was out of the house for a day and wouldn't tell me why, I was convinced he was up to no good, it turned out he was going to a stop smoking event. I was delighted when I found out.

Gut feel where do you think he went?

Could he just have had the hump and not telling you to be difficult?

quietbatperson · 20/04/2015 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/04/2015 17:08

"He doesn't do it on a regular basis but it has happened before and it's eating away at me where he could have been."

Where he actually was is not important. What would be eating away at me would be that he likes to wind me up. There is no reason to refuse to say where he went - something vague would have sufficed. By refusing to say, he is drawing your attention to it, drawing your attention to the fact that he can choose to not tell you. It's a power trip, by someone being incredibly petty.

Put this one out of your mind. And next time he does it, make sure you don't ask where he's been. It will really piss him off that his favourite wind-up no longer seems to work.

catlover97 · 20/04/2015 17:12

You should talk to him when you're both in a more relaxed mood, it's most probably nothing. I remember now DH used to get a bit like this, some bollocks about "protecting his freedom" but as soon as we talked about it when calm he understood that I was making far more of a deal about it than necessary in my head so he's learnt to say "just off for a walk" and in turn I don't automatically think he's meeting some ow (hasten to add we moved past that a long time ago).
If your DP is doing something suss then he'd more likely come up with a plausible excuse in the first place to stop you quizzing him ifswim? X

DrFoxtrot · 20/04/2015 17:15

It sounds like a power/ control thing. My XH used to do this, when asked where he was going he would just say 'out' and this continued when we had kids. If I'd have done the same he would have played hell, how dare I treat him like that, etc. Apart from this incident, has he ever made you feel small or spoken to you like a child, or made you think it's one rule for him and another for you?

LunacyPays · 20/04/2015 17:17

How would he react if you did the same thing? If you walked out of the house with no explanation, disappeared for hours and then refused to tell him where you had been? Would he take it in his stride?

If you are in a relationship it is basic courtesy to keep each other posted. Especially if you know your actions might cause upset. YANBU.

Wineandrosesagain · 20/04/2015 17:19

I would really struggle with this - why would your life partner want to be so secretive? It is very petty and controlling. Or he is doing something you wouldn't like and can't be arsed to make up a tale. I would be very hurt if my DH ever treated me like that. Then I would be furious. It would damage my view of him and erode my trust. I don't think I could let it lie.

normandynights · 20/04/2015 17:21

It's not something that would bother me tbh. DH and I don't routinely tell each other where we're going, unless it comes up in conversation for other reasons, or if we need to make specific arrangements. He'd probably tell me if I asked, but I'm just not interested and don't understand why I'd feel the need to know, or be upset to not know.

deedee33 · 20/04/2015 17:26

This would upset me too, I'm sure. But I have to confess my DH does tend to quiz me about quite dull yet somehow personal stuff can't think of an eg but think maybe exoensive useless antiageing products that I'm not proud of falling for and I do tend to act a bit cagey/dismissive when he asks because it feels intrusive to me - though your post has made me realise its a bit mean of me, as why would he know I felt embarrassed about it in advance? So maybe he's a bit embarassed/worried about something?

JustGiveUpGatekeeper · 20/04/2015 17:38

I used to do this to my boyfriend when we lived together, walk off without telling him where I was going. He was very clingy though and I needed my space sometimes. In the end, I just got fed up with him always asking cheerily 'where are you off to?' as I knew the next sentence would be 'I'll come with you'.

It helped when we got a dog as I had an excuse to get an hour or so to myself to walk the dog, or I used to grab my bike keys and say I was just off for a ride. I do actually vaguely recall saying things like 'it's none of your business where I'm going' when I was particularly huffed off about it.

Hope it all works out ok for you, OP.

Mrsbobdylan · 20/04/2015 17:44

Op you described his refusal to tell you where he was as cruel and I agree. Controlling behaviour can be very hard to spot up close-can you take some time to look at your relationship to see if he has any other controlling behaviours?

I was with a controlling ex for 7 years and it was another 7 years after we broke up that I realised that he had used lots of controlling behaviours on me.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 20/04/2015 17:45

TBH I can see both sides. Then again I have no idea where he was and whether his reason for not saying is 'good'!

Yes, I would expect DH to tell me where he is going, when he will be back and to call if for any reason he is delayed, as otherwise I will worry. This is courtesy, I would do the same - it is not (as often stated on MN) about controlling a partner or not having any private time separately.

But imagine this scenario - a good friend calls you in distress, something awful has happened (discovered affair/experienceed DV) she needs help, wants to talk, but begs you not to tell your DH as he is friends/works with her OH, so off you dash, and are then cagey about where you have been and can't/won't betray her trust. DH wants to know, you argue and then post on here "WIBU?". In that case I think most people would side with the woman, saying DH is controlling, he doesn't own her, they can have secrets from each other, and she should LTB!

I think BOTH partners should show mutual respect/courtesy in these matters, and keeping "other peoples secrets" should not get in the way of that. Dh for example would be perfectly accepting of "sorry, a friend really needed my help and I can't tell you yet what it is about" as a reason, without badgering me for info or being disbelieving.

I hope you can talk to him calmly OP and he will tell you where he went and why he didn't tell you. Hope it is a good reason.

Satsumafairy · 20/04/2015 17:50

Yanbu at all. I think that's really unkind actually. As others have said you don't have to give every detail or you just might say "I just really wanted some space, a drive, to be on my own" but to refuse to give any clue whatsoever, that's incredibly unfair. I don't care WHAT it was unless it was planning a pleasant surprise for you, I can't think of a single reason why he wouldn't just give you at least a reasssuring hint about where he'd been.

Fairenuff · 20/04/2015 17:53

Is this behaviour out of the ordinary for him?

AmyElliotDunne · 20/04/2015 17:53

I would find this behaviour weird tbh. Not something DP or I would ever do. Those posters who do this and whose partners do this are obviously happy with it, but it's not something that one of you can be ok with, but not the other.

If he wanted personal space, fair enough, but why not say that he went for a walk, drink, to see a mate etc. he doesn't need to give details.

I agree that if it was an ow or something, he'd probably go to the trouble of making up an excuse. If it was gambling or drinking etc you'd have other signs (financial and otherwise) so I can't imagine what it would be that he has to keep it so secretive, but I'd be annoyed that he's making it into a big deal by refusing to answer your questions about it.

shewept · 20/04/2015 17:54

I agree with phantom I can see both sides. Maybe he is controlling, maybe he feels that you are controlling and has had enough so refusing to tell you.

Maybe its a surprise, maybe visiting a funeral, maybe helping a friend out and he can't tell you without betraying their trust.

If everything else is good in the relationship. I would let it go.

AmyElliotDunne · 20/04/2015 17:56

Phantom, in that scenario I'm sure most women would say "I went to help a friend but she's asked me not to talk about it" not specifying who or how.

Saying "it's none of your business" is just hurtful and unnecessary.

trappedinsuburbia · 20/04/2015 18:14

My ex used to display behaviour like this. I went from a happy non jealous cheery person to a paranoid wreck with no self esteem. Looking back i dont think he was up to anything, but he wanted me to be constantly guessing.
It took me a course of cbt and several years later im nearly back to who i was, but not quite.
Be careful OP especially if hes doing anything else which is designed to keep you on your toes.

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2015 18:33

I have to love the optimism on MN. Those that think a man who goes off for a couple of hours on a Sunday evening without explaining where he's going and who tells his partner it's none of her business when she asks, is not really going somewhere to help him propose, is he? You'd like to think someone planning to propose would be a bit more polite about his actions, wouldn't you? And a cemetery visit? In the evening? If someone had died recently, surely the OP would have mentioned it?

He sounds rude and bad tempered to me - going off to have a drink with mates sounds far more likely than picking flowers for a potential wedding.

SquiddlyDiddlyDoo · 20/04/2015 18:41

Er maybe he has been visiting a jewellery store...?

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2015 18:48

Yes, they stay open late on Sunday evenings, don't they, Squiddly?

catlover97 · 20/04/2015 19:18

Just talk to him op! Seriously doubt there's owt to be worried about. Until you do there's nothing sensible any of us can advise you on. Take a day out and hopefully all will be ok.
To those of you advising leave or similar...let's not over react. OP is strong and can deal with this without it meaning the end of a relationship.
*disclaimer-not a psychiatrist or relationship counsellor but have had a long (at some points testing) relationship. Wishing you all the best

Kvetch15 · 20/04/2015 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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