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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed that DP refuses to tell me where he went?

80 replies

ApignamedJasper · 20/04/2015 16:18

Yesterday I was home from work before DP got back and was on the phone when he got in. He milled around for a while before getting in the car and driving off, didn't attempt to speak to me at all in that time.

He was gone at least 2 hours and didn't answer the phone when I called or messaged him (although we are in a rural area so there is a good chance that he didn't have any signal etc).

When he got back I asked where he went so suddenly and he refused to tell me, just kept saying 'it's private' and 'it's none of your business/nothing to do with you'. Aibu to feel really annoyed and upset that he won't tell me where he was? I'm not trying to keep tabs on him or anything, I don't mind where he went I just think it's common courtesy to let anyone you are in a relationship know where you're going late at night and roughly when you will be back. I have no secrets from DP and would (and do) tell him everything.

Aibu to be really hurt that he won't do the same? He doesn't do it on a regular basis but it has happened before and it's eating away at me where he could have been. I just feel like if it was completely innocent then why wouldn't he tell me? In my mind the only reason he would want to hide where he went is if he knew I wouldn't be happy about it :(

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2015 19:34

But that's the whole point, catlover - she did speak to him and he said it was none of her business - it's in the opening post.

hoobypickypicky · 20/04/2015 19:49

I'm on the other side of the fence. Like normandy I don't see any reason why I'd need to know nor would I be upset not knowing. That's because if I put the shoe on the other foot I'd be annoyed if someone demanded to know where I was going or where I'd been tbh.

DoTheDuckFace · 20/04/2015 19:53

Sounds to me that he went off in a strop because you were too busy on the phone to jump to attention when he came in. Now he is refusing to tell you as your "punishment".

Hathall · 20/04/2015 20:05

I think it's good if posters can help op discount any possible scenarios before people start slating the dp and telling op to ltb.
Nothing wrong with a bit of optimism.
And in my case, dhs relative had died 20 yrs ago and he'd visit the grave or a place of significance on anniversaries and birthday. Sometimes he'd go really late and as it was emotional for him he didn't want to talk about it.
I only found out when it came up in a separate conversation.

I don't expect dh to tell me where he is all the time and if he doesn't want to say, I have no issues with it.
I think everyone needs space.

googoodolly · 20/04/2015 20:06

I reckon he was pissed off that he came home and you didn't even acknowledge him, so he went off in a huff, but after he calmed down, he was way too embarrassed to admit it!

catlover97 · 20/04/2015 20:13

I saw what OP said, only thinking it may be wise to leave and revisit when both parties are calmer. I know as I'm sure others do that such a conversation can have much different outcome under calmer circumstances. Before doing anything drastic please just try to talk when you've both had time to think and thus make any decisions rationally. Only want what's best for you. X

Momagain1 · 20/04/2015 20:16

It isnt an unreasonable thing for him to have done, but Your question was off the cuff, so an equally off the cuff answer was all you expected. If he were doing something he shouldnt, you would think he would have a practiced an answer, even 'went to the pub' or 'just needed to go off and think' would have been easy lies, and it would be U to demand what he was thinking about so it's iron clad.

Weird that you can't be told, but he couldnt be bothered to lie.

Summerisle1 · 20/04/2015 20:18

It sounds as if he decided to strop off because you were on the phone and now thinks that playing "International Man of Mystery" is a sensible way to resolve him feeling slighted. Which of course, it isn't. In fact, it's childish and rather controlling.

DH and I are perfectly capable of doing things separately and indeed, relish a bit of space to ourselves from time to time. However, neither of us would disappear for 2 hours without a brief explanation. Which can be as brief as "off for a walk, see you later".

chickenfuckingpox · 20/04/2015 20:19

do you have children? you might need to reevaluate things it doesnt sound like he makes you feel good at all

Harvey246 · 20/04/2015 20:21

Definitely not unreasonable although it's unlikely that he was doing anything dodgy as he would have invented a long cover story better than 'it's private' I expect!! Saying 'It's private' is like he is trying to raise your suspicions or rile you. If you can be honest and tell him it's bothering you... Or do the same to him and see how he likes it!!

peggyundercrackers · 20/04/2015 20:22

I do this sometime for various reasons. I don't expect to be questioned about where I am going or who I'm going with or what I'm going to do. If I wanted to be really arsey I woudl say to some one that I'm an adult and free to do as I please as is my DH, I don't have to justify what I do to anyone and I don't expect it from anyone else.

On the other side of the coin I can imagine the responses in a thread if it was a man asking about his wife going off and he wanted to know where she was and who with, he would be called controlling because he wants to know her every move...

Liara · 20/04/2015 20:24

I think he has a right to do whatever he wants, however if you were expecting him in in the evening he should have told you when he would be back so you could plan your evening accordingly - if he was going to be back in time to cook dinner it is different from if he is going to be out for the evening and eat out.

If the time he came back was actually the normal time you would be expecting him it's not a big deal, but otherwise it would be considerate to let you know.

As to what he was doing, I would let that drop, it isn't really any of your business and he shouldn't have to say if he doesn't want to.

Triliteral · 20/04/2015 21:21

It would worry me as it sounds like he's playing mind games. I don't mind at all where my partner goes as I trust him completely. When I ask him a straightforward question though, he replies in a straightforward manner and I couldn't continue in a relationship where this was not the case as it implies or breeds mistrust.

If you are constantly nagging at him about things, it may be in response to that. Still a childish response.

For me it isn't about controlling him, it's about normal, honest interaction. Lots of replies would suffice including such vagaries as 'For a walk / drive / just needed some time to myself.'

'None of your business is frankly rude.' Those of you saying it's fine, would you genuinely be happy with your partner speaking to you in that way?

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 20/04/2015 21:46

Good grief, you've actually got mostly supportive, positive comments OP!

I can't really add anything else, I would be annoyed but if he's refusing to give an answer at least he's not lying?! Which he'd probably have no problem with if anything underhand was going on.

My DH has tried to do this on occasion and eventually gives in for an easy life. And similar to what someone else said I think he'd been to talk to the vicar as was struggling with his mum's death.

Suppose it depends on whether you're happy with him not telling you things occasionally.
Hope it all works out ok.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/04/2015 21:58

"it's eating away at me"
i think that's the idea tbh.
YANBU.

hoobypickypicky · 20/04/2015 22:55

"'None of your business is frankly rude.' Those of you saying it's fine, would you genuinely be happy with your partner speaking to you in that way?"

It wouldn't happen. Simple.

It wouldn't happen because I wouldn't be asking him to explain himself in the first instance. If I did then yes, I'd deserve to be told it's none of my business because, well, it isn't! Likewise, if someone demanded to know where I'd been or expected me to tell them where I was going/when I'd be back for no apparent reason I'd be telling them it's none of their business!

VelvetRose · 20/04/2015 23:23

I don't think anyone would be considered controlling, regardless of their gender if they simply asked someone where they'd been in these circumstances. There is clearly some reason for the huffy approach, perhaps he's fed up about something else and is attention seeking. If he does this frequently he's being manipulative and unpleasant.

LunacyPays · 20/04/2015 23:26

Wow, do people really think it's ok in a relationship to behave like this? That it's invading someone's privacy to ask them where they have been?

I tell my DH where I am going because he might need to contact me, because I wouldn't want him to worry about me. Because I WANT to share things with him and because that's what people do in functioning relationships. Otherwise you are slipping into game playing and unhappiness.

pressone · 20/04/2015 23:44

One of my staff came to me in tears, having been let down by a previous boyfriend she thought the current boyfriend was the love of her life until the day came that she couldn't contact him and he would not tell her where he had been.

She wouldn't ask him because she thought she was being silly and over dramatic about his "disappearance" but she did cry all over me on shift and later her Mum, who subsequently rang me and told me that he had been with her (and where they were).

Six weeks later he proposed - he had gone up to Hatton Garden - (with my friend's Mum for guidance) and ordered a bespoke engagement ring.

They have now been married for about 5 years with two lovely children.

Not everything unexplained is bad.

Triliteral · 21/04/2015 06:58

Hooby, you use the word demanded. Nothing in the OP suggests a demand. It was a question, and a natural one at that for the majority of people here. It seems to me as if you have an over-developed concern about being controlled rather than this being a realistic reflection on the OP.

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2015 09:24

Pressone, I don't think the diamond sellers in Hatton Gardens are open late on a Sunday evening, are they?

In the situation you describe, he could have always laughed and said "It's a secret, you'll find out soon!" - just refusing to say where you've been isn't a nice way to behave in a relationship.

AmyElliotDunne · 21/04/2015 19:53

If my DP went to get me a surprise engagement ring and then covered his tracks by not speaking to me, telling me it was none of my business and being huffy and sulky when I tried to talk to him, there's no way I'd accept his proposal!

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2015 20:53

Nor me. I'd flog the ring and throw him out.

eddielizzard · 21/04/2015 20:59

it's a power thing. he has knowledge you don't and he wants you not to have it. he could easily tell you, or tell you enough so you're satisfied. but he doesn't want you to be satisfied.

straighttothepoint · 21/04/2015 21:14

He's a selfish controlling twat.

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