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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

stag do drama- who is being unreasonable?

124 replies

yorkshapudding · 19/04/2015 19:28

Sorry for the essay, don't want to drip feed.

One of DH's friends is getting married next August. The wedding is in Italy (the bride is Italian) and, judging by the itinerary included in the invitation, is set to be a week long affair with the wedding itself on a Friday. DH has also had a couple of emails from the best man about the stag do which is a bit more low key, a weekend (2 nights) in a major city in the UK, pubs, meal out, go karting, staying in Travelodge or similar.

DH and I discussed it and came to the conclusion that for me, him and DD (2) to go to the wedding in Italy would be too much of a costly affair. With travel, accommodation and spending money plus time off work (DH is self employed so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid) it all adds up. We talked about DH going alone to cut down the cost but he wasnt keen. He says it would still be expensive, he would still need to take time off and he wouldn't enjoy it without us. We both agree the money could be better spent elsewhere at the moment as we have recently moved into a house that needs quite a bit of work.

So DH sent his friend a nice email saying he was really sorry but we wouldn't be able to make it to Italy (and explained the reasons of work, money, new house etc) but that he was able to attend the stag do and we would also love to take the bride and groom out for a special meal to celebrate when they're back in the UK. His friend replied with a very long, ranting email saying that it was "hurtful" that we weren't going to come to his wedding when he had "made the effort" to attend ours. I understand him being upset that we aren't going but did think it was a daft comparison as our wedding was a 30minute drive from his house. The bit that really surprised me though was that he went on and on about how it was "extremely rude and disrespectful" of DH to think he could RSVP no to the wedding and still want to go to the stag. He actually said he was "in shock" over it.

Is there some etiquette around this that we were unaware of? I had a couple of girls at my hen do who weren't able to make it to the wedding (work commitments) and DH had a mate at his stag do who couldn't make it (his sister was getting married the same day) and we weren't offended in the slightest. Is that strange of us? I would have thought if your friends couldn't make it to the big day you would still be pleased to have the chance to celebrate with them on the stag/hen?

So, mn jury, who is being unreasonable?

DH really hates falling out with anyone and wants to send another apology email to smooth things over but I don't really feel he has anything to apologise for (having already said sorry we can't make it to the wedding) and that his friend is being a bit "groomzilla"! Am prepared to be told IABU though.

OP posts:

kissmethere · 20/04/2015 00:08

*wizard the if ops dh didn't care he wouldn't have bothered to even send a decent email, I know it kills dh to even write a Christmas card. Why are you so strongly on the side of the groom when he's obviously being a prissy diva?
Sensing you're in a huff about declines to your hen/wedding maybe?

Szeli · 20/04/2015 00:46

Your decline with offer of a meal was a lovely gesture but you can't really knock back a wedding and attend the stag - that's pretty rude! I guess your DH has set himself to neutral on the politeness barometer with those two suggestions!

FireCanal · 20/04/2015 01:06

I think it would have been been better to phone and chat about it rather than send an email. And if you can't afford for him to go to both the stag and the wedding, he could have asked which the groom would prefer him to go to. It depends how the flights work out, but a couple of nights in Italy might not be much more than the entire cost of the stag weekend when you factor in the activities and the amount of beer they will get through. If the email wasn't very carefully worded I can see that it could come across as a bit iffy if he pleaded poverty for the wedding but said he could afford the stag and to pay for the dinner.

kissmethere · 20/04/2015 01:08

It's not rude to go to stag and not the wedding! Stag dos are paid for by the attendees it's not free. I know people who have been to the hen or stag dos who won't be going to the wedding, it's a chance to wish the bride/ groom well!

OrangeVase · 20/04/2015 01:29

I think Wizard is making a good point though. We only have half the story.

Obviously too expensive to go to Italy for a week but it does come across a bit as if you don't need this friendship any more so can't be bothered. (A smooth e-mail is nice but we can all do that).

Could your DH fly out just for the Friday - that would mean more to the groom than the meal out by the sound of it.

I also thought that the most important thing was being with a friend on the day they got married. Stag/hen dos are for those attending the wedding I thought.

Do what is right for you of course, you have to but I can see why, if a few people have dropped out, groom might be upset.

TendonQueen · 20/04/2015 01:34

People who choose to get married abroad can't get shirty if anyone declines. You've asked for it in making your wedding difficult and expensive to get to.

ClumsyFool · 20/04/2015 01:42

How absolutely ridiculous of the groom! I say this as someone who chose to get married abroad too. We did it because we didn't want a big wedding with loads of people, we didn't have grandparents etc so we spoke to our parents and siblings and basically decided that so long as they were happy to come we'd go ahead and book it, thankfully they loved the idea.

We fully expected that as we'd chosen to get married abroad it wouldn't be feasible for many of our friends to attend so we were completely understanding of that. We also made it clear to those that did come that our only expectation of them was for the wedding day, the rest of the time was their holiday that they'd spent their hard earned cash on so they were free to do what they pleased, we'd be around if they wanted to meet for drinks/food but if they didn't want to see us aside from the wedding that would have been absolutely fine. What's with planning a whole week of wedding stuff and expecting everyone to attend it all??

Also don't understand why he wouldn't want your OH to still attend the stag? Surely the groom should still want to celebrate his 'send-off' with his friends regardless of whether they could afford (in terms of both money & time) to attend the wedding?! Some people seem to completely forget that their wedding isn't the most important thing in every other person's life. The groom is definitely the one BU not your husband.

ClumsyFool · 20/04/2015 01:47

Also, people saying just go for the day, it might not be that simple. If the wedding isn't near an airport with regular flights from the OP's local airport there might not be flights to fit. Then there's getting to the venue which could easily be remote/a long and v expensive taxi journey away which would have to be paid twice. On top of that there might not be a low-cost airline on that route so could still be hundreds of pounds for the flight. It can soon add up to the price of a holiday for just a day trip.

NynaevesSister · 20/04/2015 07:55

I think we need more info in what was in the email. If the OP's other half included that he was willing to go on his own then I can understand the groom feeling miffed. I think most good friends will understand the money issue but to know there's a third option - go on his own - that he could afford but is unwilling to do for his friend because he doesn't want to go on his own. Well then I can understand why he would react like this.

Also - in an email??? Why had no one else picked up on this? If you are going to decline for good reasons a good friend's wedding invite then you at least do the decent thing and call them.

Icimoi · 20/04/2015 08:02

It seems a very odd idea that stag dos are only for people attending the wedding. In essence it is the groom's last evening out with his male friends, so it should be all friends, not just those at the wedding. After all, some couples have to have very small weddings for various reasons, but it would be miserable to restrict the stag do to one or two people as a result.

I disagree that it comes across as if OP's DH didn't need the friendship: why otherwise would he go to the trouble of asking about organising a special meal afterwards to celebrate?

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 20/04/2015 08:03

Thank you all for the responses. It's helpful to have different points of view.

Those saying DH should have called rather than emailed, perhaps you are right. They had requested RSVP's by email (I assume because they are back and forth to Italy at the moment and the brides family live in a remote area with poor phone reception) but thinking about it now it would have been better to do it over the phone.

Those suggesting that the stag do will be just expensive as flying to Italy for a night or two, it won't. The stag do is not far from us (about an hours drive), DH wouldn't spend a lot while he was there as he's not a big drinker anyway, they will be sharing rooms somewhere cheap and cheerful and most importantly it wouldn't require him to take any time off work.

Also, DH did not "plead poverty" in his email. He simply said that we can't stretch to a trip to Italy next year. I'm sure many families couldn't afford to pop over to Italy, certainly not my definition of "poverty" although I appreciate that others may have very different circumstances.

OP posts:

ElizabethHoover · 20/04/2015 08:08

What is it about mumsnet that makes people post such prissy suggested emails.

Honeyroar is the only one who gets it right IMO.

Or don't reply at all. Far more powerful.

dragdownthemoon · 20/04/2015 08:11

We had a very similar situation - DHs friend getting married in Portugal in the middle of August, no way we could afford even the flights, so we made our excuses, said how sorry we were, DH said he would still like to attend the stag, we offered to take them out for dinner after etc. Groom didn't really say much at the time of reply, but then "cancelled" his stag do, and it transpired he had reorganised it secretly and only told the people who were actually attending the wedding. DH and 3 other close friends of the groom weren't includedd because they couldn't afford to attend the wedding. He stopped talking to one of his friends who also couldn't make it over the " we made an effort to come to yours" issue - they are still not talking nearly a year later.

This same person recently had a tantrum because my DH had been to the pub with another friend and not invited him. Some people just need to massively get over themselves.

OP, YANBU.

NoWireCoathangers · 20/04/2015 08:12

Rise about it, the wedding seems like a huge show off affair, and the realisation is that people are quite happy to celebrate a wedding, but not when it's going to cost £1000-£1500 a head.

If they were paying for all the guests to go out there, then it would be a different matter. Who does he think he is? George Clooney?

FenellaFellorick · 20/04/2015 08:19

He sounds like a right pain in the arse.

I'd just reply sorry that you feel like that. The wedding is simply not affordable for us but we genuinely wanted to celebrate with you and spend time with you. It was not intended as an insult. I hope the wedding goes well and wish you both the best.

Susiesue61 · 20/04/2015 08:28

Dh's best mate got married in Disneyworld when Dd was a baby. We initially booked to go but then decided we couldn't manage to go. Dh wanton the stag do, and they are still best mates! They fully understood we couldn't face taking a 2 year old and a baby all that way

girliefriend · 20/04/2015 08:31

I suspect the groom has had quite a lot of RSVPs saying people can't afford it and maybe going on the stag do on his own!!

I agree with the majority of posters that yadnbu, and I think if you decide to get married abroad you must be understanding of the fact that for a lot people that means they won't be able to attend.

I imagine the friendship is over though.

londonrach · 20/04/2015 08:32

Groom is behaving very unreasonably. If you marry abroad you cant expect people to pay x amount to come out to see you get married. If it matters that much to the groom he pays. Op you dh should nt even respond. Go to stag do as arranged. Send nice present and card for wedding. End of story. I suspect the groom will regret his behaviour in a few years but hopefully not too late re the damage to the friendship.

girliefriend · 20/04/2015 08:32

I think Fenellas reply is the one I would go with.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 20/04/2015 08:35

Girlie, I suspect you may be right about the other RSVP's. I hope the friendship isn't over, it will be very sad if that's the case. Maybe it's just me but I'm struggling to get my head around it all. When we got married if people couldn't attend it never occurred to me to be offended, I just thought "that's a shame" and didn't analyse it any further. Maybe that's just me though.

OP posts:

londonrach · 20/04/2015 08:36

Just read wizards response. Agree think groom's new wife judging by her message.

TenerifeSea · 20/04/2015 09:31

My best friend, who I've known since we were small children, got married abroad and I couldn't afford it and didn't go. I went to her hen which was local though. We are still best friends.

Groomzilla is BVVVU.

AldiQ7 · 20/04/2015 09:40

Groomzilla is being a total dick.

I went to a hen do a couple of weeks ago, where the wedding is abroad, and for similar reasons as the OP, several of the girls at the hen do are not going to the wedding.

The bride to be didn't give one fuck, and was just glad to have her friends at her hen party. I didn't think anything of it either until I read this thread today!

AldiQ7 · 20/04/2015 09:49

Ha, just read wizards post - awesome!

Nope, sorry wizard your DH-to-be is still being a spoilt knob.

Custardcream14 · 20/04/2015 09:53

Of course not.

With destination weddings (I know the bride is Italian) you have got to assume people won't come and be delighted if they do.

Unbelievably selfish reaction, you're certainly not in the wrong!

Fwiw, I find extravagant stags and hens that people are practically forced to go to very annoying too.

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