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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stag do drama- who is being unreasonable?

124 replies

yorkshapudding · 19/04/2015 19:28

Sorry for the essay, don't want to drip feed.

One of DH's friends is getting married next August. The wedding is in Italy (the bride is Italian) and, judging by the itinerary included in the invitation, is set to be a week long affair with the wedding itself on a Friday. DH has also had a couple of emails from the best man about the stag do which is a bit more low key, a weekend (2 nights) in a major city in the UK, pubs, meal out, go karting, staying in Travelodge or similar.

DH and I discussed it and came to the conclusion that for me, him and DD (2) to go to the wedding in Italy would be too much of a costly affair. With travel, accommodation and spending money plus time off work (DH is self employed so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid) it all adds up. We talked about DH going alone to cut down the cost but he wasnt keen. He says it would still be expensive, he would still need to take time off and he wouldn't enjoy it without us. We both agree the money could be better spent elsewhere at the moment as we have recently moved into a house that needs quite a bit of work.

So DH sent his friend a nice email saying he was really sorry but we wouldn't be able to make it to Italy (and explained the reasons of work, money, new house etc) but that he was able to attend the stag do and we would also love to take the bride and groom out for a special meal to celebrate when they're back in the UK. His friend replied with a very long, ranting email saying that it was "hurtful" that we weren't going to come to his wedding when he had "made the effort" to attend ours. I understand him being upset that we aren't going but did think it was a daft comparison as our wedding was a 30minute drive from his house. The bit that really surprised me though was that he went on and on about how it was "extremely rude and disrespectful" of DH to think he could RSVP no to the wedding and still want to go to the stag. He actually said he was "in shock" over it.

Is there some etiquette around this that we were unaware of? I had a couple of girls at my hen do who weren't able to make it to the wedding (work commitments) and DH had a mate at his stag do who couldn't make it (his sister was getting married the same day) and we weren't offended in the slightest. Is that strange of us? I would have thought if your friends couldn't make it to the big day you would still be pleased to have the chance to celebrate with them on the stag/hen?

So, mn jury, who is being unreasonable?

DH really hates falling out with anyone and wants to send another apology email to smooth things over but I don't really feel he has anything to apologise for (having already said sorry we can't make it to the wedding) and that his friend is being a bit "groomzilla"! Am prepared to be told IABU though.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 19/04/2015 19:41

Crikey - this guy is going to spend a lot of time "in shock" isn't he?

YANBU at all

pictish · 19/04/2015 19:41

Yup another vote for Groomzilla being unreasonable. Get over yourself man!

JeanSeberg · 19/04/2015 19:42

I agree with everyone else.

However, there was a thread recently where the bride to be took umbrage that several of her mates wanted to go to the hen do but declined the wedding.

So it seems like it depends which way the wind blows in MN!

LineRunner · 19/04/2015 19:42

Does he go 'into shock' about a lot of stuff?

FadedRed123 · 19/04/2015 19:43

Yanbu. If this is a typical example of Groom's behaviour, I'm surprised he has any friends left to invite to either event............
I think Euphemia has said it all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2015 19:43

I would add up all the money for both events, plus outfits, presents and time off and tell the Groom how how he is expecting. I can't imagine you'd be looking at change from about two grand.

TwoOddSocks · 19/04/2015 19:43

Actually I can kind of understand at being upset about attending a stag and not a wedding if it was clearly because they fancied a piss up but not to sit through a boring ceremony, but that clearly isn't the case here.

I wouldn't attending a wedding abroad for anyone but immediate family or one of about 3 really close friends.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 19/04/2015 19:44

Esiotrot, they have been friends since college. They haven't lived in the same city for a few years now so only see each other a couple of times a year but have never lost touch. DH and the groom have a couple of mutual friends who have told us they aren't going (similar reasons, work, young DC etc) but don't think they've RSVP'd to the best man about the stag do yet. Maybe DH should warn them!

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/04/2015 19:44

Groomzilla needs a big fat dose of get the fuck over himself

This!! Totally!

catsmother · 19/04/2015 19:45

YANBU ...... the groom has a right to be (privately) disappointed, but he does NOT have the right to sound off the way he has. I mean, how bloody arrogant he must be to expect others to drop everything, spend significant sums of money and arrange their lives around what he wants. It may be the most important day of his life but sorry to say other people won't see it as such.

LineRunner · 19/04/2015 19:48

Maybe he has strong feelings about your DP.

mrsm16 · 19/04/2015 19:48

yanbu and what a strange response from the groom, surely he had to have anticipated this was going to happen when he chose to get married abroad!

dp's sister is getting married abroad this summer, we couldn't afford for us all to go so dp is going alone but she chose to arrange her hen to make sure I could come to that bit!!

Viviennemary · 19/04/2015 19:48

The groom should realise that not everybody is in a position to have a week's holiday in Italy to attend a wedding. It was mean of him to write about the stag do. I agree he might be feeling annoyed because lots of people have turned it down because of the expense. But he should have thought about that before.

JessicaFletcher2014 · 19/04/2015 19:48

My husband was on a stag 2 weeks ago and the wedding is abroad. We are not invited to the wedding and my husband didn't bat an eye about it. I said I thought the etiquette was if you are invited to the stag you are invited to the wedding. He said no way it's a drink session. So with his thinking YANBU.

Momagain1 · 19/04/2015 19:50

Please will your dh send an email saying "Went to the effort of attending my wedding? Dude, it was 30 minutes from your house!"

Of course he won't. He is a pleasant and good mannered man.

This is the rare siting of a Groomzilla. Your poor dh can try, but NC may be the result no matter what.

Coconutty · 19/04/2015 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Momagain1 · 19/04/2015 19:55

The groom may be very frustrated though because this ISN'T a destination wedding, it is a wedding near the brides home. He doesnt have mich choice. Nevertheless, his rant is appalling.

i am surprised the couple or his parents have not gone to the trouble of arranging a local reception in anticipation of the numbers of people who cannot manage the trip due to finances, family demand or health. That's what is usually done when an overseas wedding is necessary, and often even when it was optional.

I have even known people to have a second, but very simple ceremony, for the sake of those who are quite disappointed at being unable to go.

richthegreatcornholio · 19/04/2015 19:58

If I was the groom in that situation I'd be disappointed that he couldn't make it obviously but really pleased that he could join me on the stag and the idea of the meal out sounds fantastic. In fact the idea of the meal out would just show me how much that person actually cared about me.

Nervo · 19/04/2015 19:59

Please get your dh to start his email response 'I'm shocked that you are shocked.'

Groomzilla is BU.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/04/2015 20:00

He is totally being a groomzilla.

Both my husband and I had been attend our respective stag/hens who couldn't attend the wedding. It was nice they could share any part of the whole thing with us so we were both happy with that. because we're normal people

stripedtortoise · 19/04/2015 20:04

Groomzilla is being a prize knob.
You and your DH sound lovely.

honeyroar · 19/04/2015 20:07

I remember that other thread JeanS, but it was a bit different, that wedding wasn't far away or expensive, and the guests wanted to spend more on the hen do than the wedding would have cost. It didn't involve flights or a week abroad.

In this occasion I think the groom is a bit OTT (although I adore Italy and would love an excuse for a week there!). I would reply "I really wish we could afford it, I'd love to be at your wedding, we all would, but we can't. I wanted to support you at your stag do instead, and take you for a meal. I understand if you don't want to." Then leave him to it.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 19/04/2015 20:07

You and your DH are being more than fair. Groomzilla is going to be getting annoyed a lot if he has a strop every time someone says they can't attend his wedding abroad!

Oh, and your DH has nothing to apologise for. A simple "I didn't realise it was going to upset you. I won't attend either but will meet up with you after the wedding to celebrate" and leave it at that.

Weddings make people act weird!

riverboat1 · 19/04/2015 20:50

If they were really really close friends I'd have more sympathy for the groom. But as it is, YDHINBU at all and the groom sounds extremely high maintenance.

ItsADinosaur · 19/04/2015 21:05

Total Groomzilla.

I would get your DH to point out that if you get married abroad then you have to expect that not everyone will have the time or money to be able to go. Do not let him apologise again.

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