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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stag do drama- who is being unreasonable?

124 replies

yorkshapudding · 19/04/2015 19:28

Sorry for the essay, don't want to drip feed.

One of DH's friends is getting married next August. The wedding is in Italy (the bride is Italian) and, judging by the itinerary included in the invitation, is set to be a week long affair with the wedding itself on a Friday. DH has also had a couple of emails from the best man about the stag do which is a bit more low key, a weekend (2 nights) in a major city in the UK, pubs, meal out, go karting, staying in Travelodge or similar.

DH and I discussed it and came to the conclusion that for me, him and DD (2) to go to the wedding in Italy would be too much of a costly affair. With travel, accommodation and spending money plus time off work (DH is self employed so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid) it all adds up. We talked about DH going alone to cut down the cost but he wasnt keen. He says it would still be expensive, he would still need to take time off and he wouldn't enjoy it without us. We both agree the money could be better spent elsewhere at the moment as we have recently moved into a house that needs quite a bit of work.

So DH sent his friend a nice email saying he was really sorry but we wouldn't be able to make it to Italy (and explained the reasons of work, money, new house etc) but that he was able to attend the stag do and we would also love to take the bride and groom out for a special meal to celebrate when they're back in the UK. His friend replied with a very long, ranting email saying that it was "hurtful" that we weren't going to come to his wedding when he had "made the effort" to attend ours. I understand him being upset that we aren't going but did think it was a daft comparison as our wedding was a 30minute drive from his house. The bit that really surprised me though was that he went on and on about how it was "extremely rude and disrespectful" of DH to think he could RSVP no to the wedding and still want to go to the stag. He actually said he was "in shock" over it.

Is there some etiquette around this that we were unaware of? I had a couple of girls at my hen do who weren't able to make it to the wedding (work commitments) and DH had a mate at his stag do who couldn't make it (his sister was getting married the same day) and we weren't offended in the slightest. Is that strange of us? I would have thought if your friends couldn't make it to the big day you would still be pleased to have the chance to celebrate with them on the stag/hen?

So, mn jury, who is being unreasonable?

DH really hates falling out with anyone and wants to send another apology email to smooth things over but I don't really feel he has anything to apologise for (having already said sorry we can't make it to the wedding) and that his friend is being a bit "groomzilla"! Am prepared to be told IABU though.

OP posts:
TheAssassinsGuild · 19/04/2015 21:14

YANBU. Groomzilla has lost the plot. It's a shame you won't be going to any of it though - this wedding sounds ripe for many juicy AIBU threads!

AddToBasket · 19/04/2015 21:22

YANBU.

Please don't respond huffily to Groomzilla. Your DH's charm and good manners will only serve to embarrass him further when he come round from Wedding Craze Haze.

Maybe respond along the lines of

'I am sorry you feel that way, I had no intention of upsetting you by not coming to Italy. I have given thought to what you said and can see you are annoyed about me attending the stag do without the wedding - again, not my intention. I have now re-arranged the weekend of X [stag do] and won't attend. I am sorry I am not able to fit in with your wedding plans. Yorkshapudding and I wish you and Groomzilliette all the best.'

IcecreamSkoda · 19/04/2015 21:32

Yanbu and have nothing to apologise for.

When did this happen? Maybe the groom will realise what an arse he is being?

IcecreamSkoda · 19/04/2015 21:34

Addtobaskets response is perfect.

WineIsMyMainVice · 19/04/2015 21:37

So if your DH could go to the wedding, but was unable to make the stag do for whatever reason, would Groomzilla be retracting his invitation to the wedding?!??!?!!

TRexingInAsda · 19/04/2015 21:39

I'd ditch the groomzilla friend, he's a cock.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 21:48

YANBU OP, the Groom is. I would have rung though because sometimes tone can be interpreted different when written and it just seems more impersonal when close friends. Now he's ranted back, I'd stick to email though or DH will just get a mouthful and it will end in arguing.

I'd email back and then wait for Groom to calm down a bit but raise whether the DH is still invited (if he wants to go) to the stag with the best man.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 21:49

And yeah, good friends DH may want to warn.

GERTI · 19/04/2015 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WizardofSnoz · 19/04/2015 22:12

I think we may possibly be getting only half the story here. I suspect that the tone of DH's email is somewhat being glossed over.

I suspect that the message that the groom has got is actually the right one which I don't think is actually as reasonable as you are making out. I think the groom has got the message that your DH doesn't care about him enough to bother making the effort to go to his wedding.

And he's absolutely right. You've got a long list of reasons why it's inconvenient for you, what you'd rather spend the money on and what a hassle it would be for you. Not once do you mention the friendship between the two men, how close they are or their history.

I think the groom will have quite correctly have read it as 'Can't be arsed, wife's whinging about going, got more important things to spend my money on, sod you'.

If they're really close your husband should have flown out alone for the Friday just to put in an appearance.

But yes I think an email pleading poverty in a new house then in the next breath agreeing to go to something which will still be costly but more convenient to you is rude. Plus offering to buy them a meal, between that and the cost of a stag weekend surely your husband could stump up the price of a return to Italy? But that would be if he could be arsed to make the effort for his mate. And he won't. I can see why the other guy doesn't really see the point continuing the friendship TBF.

justkeeponsmiling · 19/04/2015 22:24

wizard are you getting married in Italy next August by any chance...?

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2015 22:39

Whoa what a groomzilla. If you choose to get married abroad you have to understand not everyone can afford to attend. I certainly would not go to any of it with such a rubbish attitude. Sounds as though Groomzilla has a big chip on his shoulder.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/04/2015 22:43

Wizard

Of course the op's husband has more important things to spend the money on, as it is not in free and plentiful supply, his family. Groom would be mad to think their friendship, longstanding or not should come before someone's wife and child.

You choose to get married abroad and make it a week long celebration then you have to accept that people won't be able to attend.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2015 22:44

wizard must be groomzilla. Yes when considering going to a wedding abroad, you have to think of finances, and how it will impact on your family. It is very expensive to attend a wedding abroad, most if us do not have an endless pot of gold, and have to prioritise our spending. Therefore op dh quite rightly said he çoukd not attend the wedding, gave very valid reasons, that he çoukd attend the stag do, and kindly take the B&G out for a meal.

Vycount · 19/04/2015 22:47

Too many "sorrys" in those suggested emails. Don't be sorry when you aren't, and don't be sorry for something someone else feels or has done.

If your DH did anything wrong it was possibly that he said too much. No need to tell all your private business about finances etc, simply decline the invite in future.
I'm afraid I think Wizard is being a bit bonkers above. Grin

boxoftissues · 19/04/2015 22:53

you could attend via skype/facetime etc?

OVienna · 19/04/2015 23:01

The event is a week long, in Italy. Easily, easily a couple if grand. UK stag do and meal won't cost anything like that. He sounds like someone who may have been pissed off if ops DH came for just a couple of days but I agree if they are really good mates maybe, possibly, I would have discussed the options. However if groom has form for being demanding this might not have worked either...

MissBattleaxe · 19/04/2015 23:04

wizard, how can you not see how unreasonable the groom is being? Expecting a family to attend a week long wedding abroad and then being arsey when a friend finds a well intended affordable compromise? Groomzilla is a git for effectively demanding his friend.spends his family holiday budget on a wedding which will cause them financial hardship. To be pissed off and outraged as well is just plain crass and mean.

kissmethere · 19/04/2015 23:39

Groom is bu. has anyone else declined? I'd be interested to know the response he gave them. Sounds like a lucky escape imo.

Satsumafairy · 19/04/2015 23:41

Seriously Wizard?! If I was getting married abroad (and the wedding was lasting a week) I wouldn't give anyone a hard time for not being able to attend. We don't spend anywhere near that much on our family holidays so there is no way I would do so for someone's wedding. Blimey, weddings are expensive enough when they are in this country!

Satsumafairy · 19/04/2015 23:43

Btw, some of my family are half Italian. When one of them married last year they had a celebration here and one later in Italy.

SistersofPercy · 19/04/2015 23:46

I'd ditch the groom as well and spend the money you save on the stag and presents on a nice weekend away somewhere, but then I came to the conclusion a while ago that life was too short to tolerate twats.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/04/2015 23:48

wizard is the bride, right?

lordsandladies · 19/04/2015 23:59

I'm just checking in to see Wizard out herself as the bride Grin

Stubbed · 20/04/2015 00:05

Your DH could apologise to make everything nice, he doesn't have to mean it. Friendship is dead now anyway. Tbh if a friend of mine behaved like this then I'd be glad to take them off the Xmas list...