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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these parents massively overreacted

90 replies

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:07

I've name changed for this to protect the identity of my friend. I wasn't involved in this but am blown away by what I've heard.

My friend "P" has a friend "B". P and B have been friends for 5 years, kids are friends and DH's are friends. Talk at least 3 times a week. P has a 9 yr dd, 7y ds and baby. B has 4y ds.

A few weeks ago B was at P's house. B went to check on her ds who was in P's ds room playing with him. When B walked in, her ds was standing there with his pants down. P's ds was standing next to him.

P says her ds was telling B's ds to pull his trousers up when B walked in. B told her ds to pull his pants up. Nothing further. They went on with the play date. Everything fine for 2 weeks, still talked.

3 weeks later was P's baby's dedication. B was meant to come. She didn't show. P tried calling and texting. No reply. P's dh texted B's DH. He replied "sorry we didn't come but we didn't want to ruin your day. We are really unhappy about the incident that happened the other week between X and X and do not wish to continue our friendship".

P has tried contacting B multiple times in multiple ways with no response.

WTF?? The only thing I will add to this (and even then it still doesn't make sense), P's ds is rather "feminine". He still plays with dolls, not a lot, especially in public, but with my dd they often play with baby dolls or dress up (not him, but he dresses her up), intermixed with building forts etc. He's a lovely boy though and 7 YEARS OLD!!!

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 17/04/2015 22:12

Boys who play with dolls are practicing being Dads imo!

I think I would just leave them to it though.

Friend As DS has probably done nothing wrong, certainly nothing unusual. Friend B has concerns, right or wrong and wants to protect her child, also doing nothing wrong.

Good luck with this one!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/04/2015 22:12

Well, kids can get curious at that age. Id do the same as B, I think. I wouldnt want my 4yo involved in a 7yos curiosity.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/04/2015 22:13

And I agree with above - nowt wrong with a boy playing with dolls. When I was younger we would tip all the Barbies out and play for hours (two boys and two girls all friends from the street we lived on).

GloGirl · 17/04/2015 22:15

Well it's possible that Boy B has told B a different stoey about what happened, that it's made them incredibly uncomfortable and the only way for them and their son is no contact.

In that scenario no I don't think that is massively overreacting. And probably a lot easier than telling some one you think their son is a pervert who should not be around yours.

Original poster

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:15

Hacked, what do you mean you wouldn't want your 4yr old involved in a 7yr olds curiosity?! What exactly would you think was happening? He was telling him to pull his pants up!!

OP posts:

TheFairyCaravan · 17/04/2015 22:17

You've only got one side of the story so it's not really fair to make a judgement imo.

Chippednailvarnish · 17/04/2015 22:17

But why were his pants down?

Marmaladedandelions · 17/04/2015 22:20

Well, at 4 I would agree, but 7 is quite 'old' (IMO) to be playing games of this nature. My DS just turned 8 a couple of months ago and wouldn't.

AgentZigzag · 17/04/2015 22:20

Children are interested in what's going on, with their own bodies and other children's.

Even if you know and accept that though I can understand why B and her DP might want to back out of contact with P once they've seen that.

It's totally their choice of course and no judgement on P or her DS (in my mind anyway).

Original poster

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:20

7 next week. So not nearly 8.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/04/2015 22:21

I dont know what happened, I wasnt there. No adults were. The 7yo may well have been saying "pull your pants up". That could have sent an alarm bell off for the 4yos parents:- why were his pants down? Did he choose to pull them down? Was he asked to pull them down?

Maybe in the time that has lapsed since this has happened, the 4yo has said something to his parents which has meant they have reassessed what seemed like an innocent situation.

I really dont know why you are using multiple !! & ??s, like you are mad with me. I am simply trying to offer an explaination of why the parents of the 4yo have acted thus.

I wonder, are you a parent of the 7yo?

PesoPenguin · 17/04/2015 22:21

So am I right in thinking it was the 4 year old with his pants down? If so, he's only 4, they just think it's funny and don't have the same boundaries as older children as they are used to being seen naked ( as the need help with toileting, bathing etc). So yeah I think it's a big over reaction unless there's more to the story than you know.

Original poster

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:23

I only have one ds and he's a baby so don't really know what I'm talking about but my friends with boys say they are constantly telling their 4yo to "put your penis away". So no, I can't see anything unusual.

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 17/04/2015 22:23

I read it as the 7 year old had his pants down ... I don't know !

PesoPenguin · 17/04/2015 22:23

Oh wait, I thought it was P that wasn't talking to B... I'm confused now...

Original poster

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:24

To clarify, 4yo pants down. 7yo standing next to him telling him to pull them up!

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oddfodd · 17/04/2015 22:24

They're massively overreacting to cut their friends dead without even speaking to them. Given that everything carried on as normal for a while, it sounds like the mum didn't think it was a big deal but the dad has freaked once he found out.

AgentZigzag · 17/04/2015 22:24

Also, reading the DH's text he was very restrained and polite, P might have a beef with them if they'd started accusing her and her DS of all sorts, but they didn't.

They said they were unhappy and have left it at that, P can't force them to think differently about the way they interpret what did/didn't happen.

Chippednailvarnish · 17/04/2015 22:24

You weren't there, so without talking to the child, you don't actually know...

ThreeornotToThree · 17/04/2015 22:28

can only imagine that boy B has told B something about the incident before she walked in that has freaked her out, or possibly (more likely to my mind) freaked out husband of B. Strangest thing for me is not discussing it with P after so many years of friendship but can imagine feeling there is no alternative than to cut contact and easiest way is not explain at all. Pretty horrible for P though, I'd be really worried about whatever boy B might have said.

Is it possible boy P was telling boy B to pull pants up because he heard an adult approaching the room? That would be my worry.

RainbowFlutterby · 17/04/2015 22:29

Depends so much on the context.

Why were the 4yr old's pants down? And was the 7 yr old saying "pull your pants up" in a horrified 'how rude' voice or a 'oh no I've been caught doing something wrong' voice?

BoyScout · 17/04/2015 22:29

I don't think it's abnormal for a 4 year old boy to have his pants down. It's what they do isn't it?!

But P should respect B's decision and leave it. Nothing to be done.

AgentZigzag · 17/04/2015 22:29

Following on from IThinkIveBeenHacked has said, I know it'd be totally out of character for my 5 YO to have randomly pulled her trousers down last year. Some children do some children don't, and if B's DS doesn't do that kind of thing that would ring alarm bells with her.

I was thinking the time lapse in talking/not talking could have been down to B not mentioning it to her DH straight away, and once she had and they'd got talking about it maybe a realisation that she didn't feel comfortable with it?

Smartiepants79 · 17/04/2015 22:31

Without knowing what was happening prior to the mother walking in no one can know if she has overreacted.
Was he asked to take his pants off? Was it part of a game? Had he just taken them off because that's what 4 yr olds like to do? Did th older boy touch him?
The child was clearly not distressed at the time.
It sounds like he might have told them a different story though.
It's a shame they have phoned to discuss what happened and tried to put it behind them.
Personally unless some inappropriate touching had occured I don't think I'd let it break up a friendship. I'd just make sure my DC where always in my sight in the future.

Original poster

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:37

P's son said he was playing, turned around and B's son had his pants down. Of course that's his story. But having known P for as long as I have, and her ds, I believe him. I don't know B well, have only met her a few times. It just strikes me highly in unusual that she chose not to approach P about this, didn't cancel coming to the dedication, and has yet to answer a phone call or text to discuss it. If a friend I spoke to 3 times a week for 5 years cut me like this over this I would be incredibly shocked and hurt.

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