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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these parents massively overreacted

90 replies

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:07

I've name changed for this to protect the identity of my friend. I wasn't involved in this but am blown away by what I've heard.

My friend "P" has a friend "B". P and B have been friends for 5 years, kids are friends and DH's are friends. Talk at least 3 times a week. P has a 9 yr dd, 7y ds and baby. B has 4y ds.

A few weeks ago B was at P's house. B went to check on her ds who was in P's ds room playing with him. When B walked in, her ds was standing there with his pants down. P's ds was standing next to him.

P says her ds was telling B's ds to pull his trousers up when B walked in. B told her ds to pull his pants up. Nothing further. They went on with the play date. Everything fine for 2 weeks, still talked.

3 weeks later was P's baby's dedication. B was meant to come. She didn't show. P tried calling and texting. No reply. P's dh texted B's DH. He replied "sorry we didn't come but we didn't want to ruin your day. We are really unhappy about the incident that happened the other week between X and X and do not wish to continue our friendship".

P has tried contacting B multiple times in multiple ways with no response.

WTF?? The only thing I will add to this (and even then it still doesn't make sense), P's ds is rather "feminine". He still plays with dolls, not a lot, especially in public, but with my dd they often play with baby dolls or dress up (not him, but he dresses her up), intermixed with building forts etc. He's a lovely boy though and 7 YEARS OLD!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

NolanThorne · 18/04/2015 10:13

Bakeoff. Parents P have tried numerous times to contact parents B. They won't answer.

OP posts:

Nayville · 18/04/2015 10:17

Basically both sets of parents should be communicating about this.
What ever happened could well be down to natural childhood curiosity, as others have said. It just feels like madness to me to cut their friends off without feeling the need to discuss it.
The child playing with dolls is irrelevant frankly

maliaki · 18/04/2015 10:48

I agree with HeyDuggee, if for two weeks they spoke normally it's very likely that's the boy did kick off about seing P's son again, either that or they've spoken to someone about it whose said something that's freaked them out.

You really don't know what happened and neither do either sets of the parents since they weren't there, one thing is obvious though P's son's story is different from B's otherwise they wouldn't even be worried at all. It could easily be an overreaction but then it may not, we only have one half of a story from P and it's biased towards P being the one whose reasonable and been unfairly treated.

I would stop trying to contact because, for whatever reason, the B's don't want to. Maybe P could write an email/letter, just asking B to clarify the incident because as far as she was aware X happened and if B's son's said something else then she'd like to know. P should make it clear this will be her last letter and that she's sad to see the friendship go but will respect their wishes.

BIWI · 18/04/2015 11:06

So what if the OP has given identifying details about herself! She's not talking about herself. She's talking about someone else.

AuntieDee · 18/04/2015 11:07

Sexualised early behaviour can be a sign of child abuse - she may have suspicions and not want her DC exposed

AuntieDee · 18/04/2015 11:08

It could of course be totally innocent but she's not being unreasonable protecting her children

SolomanDaisy · 18/04/2015 12:10

But if she is doing this to protect her children, she is being completely negligent in not explaining it to the parents of the seven year-old. If she thinks the seven year-old was doing something sexual, she has a huge moral responsibility to inform the parents about what her child says happened. Children acting sexually is a massive flag for sexual abuse, so basically she is saying she has suspicions that there are indications a seven year-old is being abused but she isn't prepared to do anything about protecting that child. Not even discuss it with the child's mother, who is supposedly a good friend.

AuntieDee · 18/04/2015 12:21

Who knows why anyone does anything? Maybe she doesn't know how to broach the subject, maybe she has and just not told the OP, maybe she doesn't want to get involved for fear of repercussions.

I wouldn't want a child of mine exposed, regardless of whether or not I were to try and save any other potential victim

AlmaMartyr · 18/04/2015 12:38

Unless Parents B have a prior history of massively overreacting about their children (not mentioned and seems unlikely since there's been such a long close friendship) then it seems unlikely they would suddenly overreact now and so clearly. Something has obviously bothered them very deeply, no-one knows what actually happened in that room and none of you know what child B has said about it. They are protecting their family and that is their prerogative (and tbh, their responsibility).

I kind of agree that they should communicate their specific concerns but again, without knowing what they are, it may not be that simple. It's clear from numerous threads on here that we don't always know what's going on in a family so it is very difficult to judge. I can imagine situations where that may not be the best action.

It all sounds very sad though, and must be very hurtful for family P (and quite concerning I'm sure).

Vicarscat · 18/04/2015 12:48

They were probably playing doctors and nurses. It happens. No big deal. So yes, they probably did overreact.

Smartiepants79 · 18/04/2015 20:14

If the 4 yr old has reported something that is so upsetting the family have cut contact I think the child's parents really should be being told.
If the 7 yr old is behaving in such a way then there is a problem that they need to deal with. How can they deal with it if they don't know what has gone on.
Even if they choose not to believe it and the relatinship breaks down nothing has been lost. They are at least then in possession of the facts. It may come in useful down the line.

pictish · 18/04/2015 20:20

What the fuck will they do if another child pulls his pants down in front of their ds when he's 7?

NorahDentressangle · 19/04/2015 02:13

Children acting sexually is a massive flag for sexual abuse

Is this a fact? Do you work in this field SolomanDaisy?

I'm quite happy to believe this if there is info to back it up but ime DCs can be interested in their bodies without prior sexual abuse.

lucycant · 19/04/2015 02:22

The issue is acting sexually inappropriately. So for example, a young child trying to perform oral sex on another child is a major red flag. Being interested in the physical differences between girls and boys, is normal. Being interested in their own bodies is normal.

SolomanDaisy · 19/04/2015 09:05

No, I don't work in the field, but I had to do a very basic safeguarding course for a previous job. I don't mean normal exploring, doctors and nurses, let's have a look at each other type of thing. That's perfectly normal of course. I have trouble getting my DS to keep his clothes on! Acting sexually is entirely different and rare.

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