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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these parents massively overreacted

90 replies

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:07

I've name changed for this to protect the identity of my friend. I wasn't involved in this but am blown away by what I've heard.

My friend "P" has a friend "B". P and B have been friends for 5 years, kids are friends and DH's are friends. Talk at least 3 times a week. P has a 9 yr dd, 7y ds and baby. B has 4y ds.

A few weeks ago B was at P's house. B went to check on her ds who was in P's ds room playing with him. When B walked in, her ds was standing there with his pants down. P's ds was standing next to him.

P says her ds was telling B's ds to pull his trousers up when B walked in. B told her ds to pull his pants up. Nothing further. They went on with the play date. Everything fine for 2 weeks, still talked.

3 weeks later was P's baby's dedication. B was meant to come. She didn't show. P tried calling and texting. No reply. P's dh texted B's DH. He replied "sorry we didn't come but we didn't want to ruin your day. We are really unhappy about the incident that happened the other week between X and X and do not wish to continue our friendship".

P has tried contacting B multiple times in multiple ways with no response.

WTF?? The only thing I will add to this (and even then it still doesn't make sense), P's ds is rather "feminine". He still plays with dolls, not a lot, especially in public, but with my dd they often play with baby dolls or dress up (not him, but he dresses her up), intermixed with building forts etc. He's a lovely boy though and 7 YEARS OLD!!!

OP posts:

slithytove · 17/04/2015 23:45

Are you P?

If not, then you don't know what the 7 year old might have been exposed to.
You don't know what the 4 year old has told his parents.

You can't really judge.

MintChocAddict · 17/04/2015 23:56

I've only got 2 DDs who never took any of their clothes off, do boys randomly whip their trousers off frequently then?

Is that a 'boy' thing? confused

No it's not a 'boy thing'. I've got a 4 year old DS who currently thinks it's hilarious to drop his trousers. He is reminded each time that it's inappropriate. It's a phase which will pass. I have friends with DDs who have also been partial to a spot of stripping in public at various ages and stages. Some kids do some don't.

In repsonse to the OP. Agree with other posters. Friend doesn't know what 4 year old reported back to his parents so none of us can really form an opinion. Could have been entirely innocent or something more worrying.

PurpleSwift · 18/04/2015 00:07

It's impossible to judge, you have no idea what B's child has told his parents.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 18/04/2015 00:24

We don't know what happened but the 4 year old's parents have boundaries and are teaching their child boundaries and that is a good thing. It might have been innocent. It might have not. What the parents are modelling is that friendship is secondary to potential harm to their child. You might think it's over-reacting but you don't know the full story.

lucycant · 18/04/2015 01:17

I am a bit alarmed at your view that the 7 year old could not have been inappropriate, and that there is no way he could have been sexually abused. I don't know what happened, it might have been totally innocent. But you don't know either.

NorahDentressangle · 18/04/2015 01:52

The four year old has said something about the event which can be construed as suspicious, I would say. Whether behavior of 7 year old was suspect or not we'll prob never know. But that is how the DP's have construed it.

sugarman · 18/04/2015 02:09

I think you are the one overreacting. You need to stay out of it.

Adarajames · 18/04/2015 02:39

I'm trying to work out what the heck the 7 year old liking playing with dolls has anything to do with it?! Or his being more 'feminine'?!

lucycant · 18/04/2015 02:44

I think the implication was that the parents might have thought the 7 year old was gay. A ridiculous suggestion based on him liking dolls.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 18/04/2015 02:47

Well I would assume that 4yr old has given a different account of events but wouldn't matter as you are adamant that you believe 7yr old even though you weren't in the room and have not even heard what 4yr old has said which could be exactly same.

Personally if it was me I would want to go see them and discuss the matter face to face to find out also if anything like my 4yr old things tend to come out in drips and draps so could of taken awhile for him to tell his parents, hence time gone by

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 18/04/2015 02:49

Yes I didn't understand what the playing with dolls had to do with it

Adarajames · 18/04/2015 03:06

lucycant It did occur to me that his being gay was being suggested, but I thought that no one could be quite that idiotic in this day and age!?! And as if his being gay would suggest he would be more likely abuse the younger boy anyway, so the being 'feminine' is a stupid comment and has fuck all to do with any if it!

Adarajames · 18/04/2015 03:07

Any of it

nooka · 18/04/2015 03:22

Regardless of what happened it sounds like the parents of the four year old have handled it very badly. Good family friends just not turning up to a special event, with no explanation or communication? That's very rude. Deciding to cut a close friendship on the basis of a single event with no explanation - that's very hurtful. If I was the seven year old's parents I would be very hurt, worried and confused.

Now let's suppose at some point, several weeks after the event the four year old says something worrying, and the parents feel that the seven year old is some sort of threat. Surely the responsible thing to do is tell his parents? If he is threat to their four year old presumably he is a threat to other small children? In addition if they think there was some sexually abusive element then the most likely explanation is that the seven year old is being/has been exposed to something harmful and needs protecting. I can't imagine not wanting to talk to a good friend in those circumstances.

Oh and both my children (ds and dd) regularly stripped at both four and hadn't totally stopped at seven. Some children enjoy being naked, others find it uncomfortable.

Bakeoffcake · 18/04/2015 07:20

I agree with whoever said the parents of the 4 yo need to phone the other parents and find out what their son said had happened. It sounds to me that the 4 yo has said something, weeks after the incident, which has made them take this stance.

In fact I can't believe the patents of the 7yo haven't done this already

neolara · 18/04/2015 08:38

Blimey. On the face of it I think it's a massive overreaction. I think pretty much every one of my dd1's friends took their kit off at some point when they came round to play aged 4. At one stage I walked in on them photographing each others bums accompanied by lots of giggling. I never saw it as anything other than innocent. My dd 2 on the other hand (aged 5) is much more shy with her body and doesnt even like getting changed in front of others.

I guess you don't know if either of the parent have experienced things that might make them particularly anxious / concerned about this type of play. Because I haven't had bad experiences, in the absence of additional damming evidence, my default would be to assume a 4 year old getting naked is innocent play. The parents in OP's case may have had prior experiences with means their default assumption is it means something really bad is happening.

BIWI · 18/04/2015 08:44

Why, on a forum where we all use pseudonyms, do you need to change your name, to protect your friend?

MammaTJ · 18/04/2015 08:50

BIWI because the OP may have previously given identifying details about themselves!

I know anyone who cared to could probably tell me quite a lot about my life and maybe even indentify me!

tellmemore1982 · 18/04/2015 09:02

In any of these situations we have to remember:

We are the adults and they are the kids.

The best example to set is talking things through with the other parents in an adult way, no matter how hard the conversation. If the "grown up" approach doesn't work then by all means go NC. Abandoning your friends who are trying just as hard to parent as you are (and presumably have been doing a pretty good job if you've been friends for so long) doesn't make you a very good friend or example to your kids IMO.

Each child should learn something from these situations

This was an opportunity missed for both P and B to discuss a difficult topic in a safe environment with both parties involved so the kids can learn that initiating or complying with this kind of thing isn't a game, it's crossing a personal line and could be dangerous.

Poor kids now have to try to understand why they can't "continue their friendship" with each other as a result of very badly handled situation.

Lonelyimpulseofdelight · 18/04/2015 09:07

There's no way of knowing if the parents are over reacting because we don't have a first hand account.

However, if the seven year old has done something questionable it would be fair to explain it to his parents so they could address the issue to protect him and others. I can see why they would be confused without an explanation.

I also think that the parents of the four year old shouldn't be criticised for believing him and removing him from a scenario that may be damaging to him.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 18/04/2015 09:08

It's not just a boy thing. When my dd was 3 she would sometimes yank her trousers down in public because she found it funny. Of course I told her she can't show herself in public and she stopped doing it.

I'm wondering if B heard something said that made her go in the room at that exact time? And what's been said at home? Some small children have a habit of exagerrating especially if they hear concern in your voice. Of course no one apart from the 2 boys know what happened but I do think it's an over reaction

Black2catsgreen4eyes · 18/04/2015 09:09

YY Lonely

HeyDuggee · 18/04/2015 09:13

From your OP- two weeks after the incident the parents talked as normal, then when a visit was due, they suddently don't show up and cut all contact.

Doesn't take a genius to work out the 4 year old is being told they are going to visit Ps house (first time since the incident)... And throws a major wobble of not wanting to go. B asks why not... And the boy said something that made B and her partner so alarmed they have chosen to end a 5 year friendship as (they obviously feel) it's a safe guarding issue.

You have immediately discounted boy B's version (even though you haven't even heard it!?) because boy P could never ever ever do anything wrong. Well, if that's also Ps attitude, why are you so shocked B and partner don't want a confrontation with them?

Momagain1 · 18/04/2015 09:55

7 years old is not to old for some children to be still involved in curious loking and even touching in a 'huh, yours is different to mine' way that doesnt have any adult sexual implications at all.

4 years old is well within the range of getting their willy out just because it is there, and as someone else said, of being used to having their pants down in front of all sorts of people due to toileting and dressing assistance.

Whether or not either plays with dolls is unrelated, and really kind of weird to mention.

NataliaBaker · 18/04/2015 09:59

And think we all can guess what OP was trying to insinuate with the dolls and "feminine" comment.

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