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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think these parents massively overreacted

90 replies

NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:07

I've name changed for this to protect the identity of my friend. I wasn't involved in this but am blown away by what I've heard.

My friend "P" has a friend "B". P and B have been friends for 5 years, kids are friends and DH's are friends. Talk at least 3 times a week. P has a 9 yr dd, 7y ds and baby. B has 4y ds.

A few weeks ago B was at P's house. B went to check on her ds who was in P's ds room playing with him. When B walked in, her ds was standing there with his pants down. P's ds was standing next to him.

P says her ds was telling B's ds to pull his trousers up when B walked in. B told her ds to pull his pants up. Nothing further. They went on with the play date. Everything fine for 2 weeks, still talked.

3 weeks later was P's baby's dedication. B was meant to come. She didn't show. P tried calling and texting. No reply. P's dh texted B's DH. He replied "sorry we didn't come but we didn't want to ruin your day. We are really unhappy about the incident that happened the other week between X and X and do not wish to continue our friendship".

P has tried contacting B multiple times in multiple ways with no response.

WTF?? The only thing I will add to this (and even then it still doesn't make sense), P's ds is rather "feminine". He still plays with dolls, not a lot, especially in public, but with my dd they often play with baby dolls or dress up (not him, but he dresses her up), intermixed with building forts etc. He's a lovely boy though and 7 YEARS OLD!!!

OP posts:
dollyplumislotsoffun · 17/04/2015 22:38

I imagine there has been more said by boy b than you know.

Original poster
NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:41

It just doesn't add up. Why wait 3 weeks to make the cut? Surely her ds would have said something prior to that?

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 17/04/2015 22:41

Yanbu. It sounds like a crazy over reaction and for her not to even discuss it is horrible.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/04/2015 22:42

There is also a small possibility that B or her DH have encountered abuse historically or within their wider family and so are naturally going to be predisposed to pick up on situations whereby their son may be exposed to something they dont want.

NOT that I am saying this is what happened that day, more that they are exceedingly cautious due to possible family history and whilst other parents may have shrugged it off, they have not been able to.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 17/04/2015 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/04/2015 22:45

He may not have said something. They may have been discussing the upcoming event a day or two ahead and the 4yo said something then. Kids' memories work in mysterious ways.

Original poster
NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 22:46

I'm finding it disturbing that people (not necessarily here) think a (nearly) 7yo would do what (?) with 4yo boy. If he was 9 or 10, maybe. His age are innocent.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 17/04/2015 22:54

the other parents should have told your friends exactly what their concerns are. Id want to know if it were my child.

AgentZigzag · 17/04/2015 22:56

I don't think it's disturbing at all that people are more aware of the boundaries surrounding appropriate behaviour when it comes to children.

It makes no difference if the other person is a child as well, I had to deal with a similar situation when DD was 4 with another boy who was also 4. The things that run through your mind re what/how/why/WTF??? aren't dependent on how old they are when you get even the slightest whiff of something going on that might have hurt your child.

honeysucklejasmine · 17/04/2015 22:56

I think that as you weren't there and haven't spoken to B's ds, you can't be so outraged. Obviously B is uncomfortable enough to cut contact, so there must be a reason.

And unfortunately, sometimes young children are capable of horrific things, whether they realise they are horrific or not.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/04/2015 22:56

Yeah they are. The average 6/7 year old is innocent. I like to think the average 9/10 year old is innocent too. The boys probably werent up to anything untoward, maybe the 4yo was just playing, maybe they both dared each other to tale their own pants down for a lark.

The point is, we dont know what happened. You dont know. The only people that know are the 4yo and the 7yo, and if the parents of the 4yo have subsequently decided that they no longer want to continue the friendship due to wjat happened then that is their perogative.

You say you would be hurt that a five year friend would cut contact with you over this - what about the fact that wjat has happened is, in the eyes of B and her DH, is serious enough to end a close frendship.

There are two sides to every coin.

If I were you I would also be aghast at anyone thinking my friends 6/7 yo would be anything to worry about. However I have a nearly 4yo DD, and if she were in this situation I would wonder what went on to result in her havig her pants down (out of character), and if she subsequently told.me anything further,id do the same as B.

AlwaysAFool · 17/04/2015 22:58

I think they have over reacted but 7yr old dp should just leave it.

4yr olds are generally unpredictable and from what iv seen of young boys they get their pants off at any opportunity. (3 dnphews)

If it was my dd4 id let it slide and just be vigilant in future if I felt it was needed depending on context of the situatioN
My dd has said dodgy sounding stuff but I knew that it was dribble and if I didnt know better I would worry.

7yr olds especially just turning 7 are just as curious and learning boundaries still.

AgentZigzag · 17/04/2015 23:00

And on the disturbing subject Nolan, are you saying that you'd have just brushed off whatever was going on as 'boys being boys' or 'nothing could have been going on because 7 is too young' if it was your DS? Because I'm not sure it's a simple a calculation as that.

PumpkinsMummy · 17/04/2015 23:01

Unfortunately children aren't always innocent, and even if their intentions are, it doesn't mean it can't be damaging for another child. You never know what goes on behind closed doors and its not uncommon for abused children to act abuse out on younger children. I'm not for a moment saying that has happened in this instance, but if the parents are at all unsure they are quite right IMO to protect their child, even if that causes awkwardness.

AgentZigzag · 17/04/2015 23:04

I've only got 2 DDs who never took any of their clothes off, do boys randomly whip their trousers off frequently then?

Is that a 'boy' thing? Confused

ThreeornotToThree · 17/04/2015 23:05

Sadly Nolan, seems totally without realms of possibility to me that 7yo could initiate a conversation, which when reported by a 4yo along with pants down scenario might totally wig out mother of 4yo.
This is because:

  • I have ds age 6 and ds age 4 and strongly disagree that all boys age 7 are innocent, some are little shits and totally horrible. They just are.
  • Have encountered boys this age watching hardcore porn, not really understanding it to be fair and wouldn't realise talking about it to a younger child was probably not a good idea
  • School friend of one of my boys was sexually abused by a stepbrother with similar ages to scenario here.
I'm not even a social worker.
AmysTiara · 17/04/2015 23:09

No Agent, I have two boys and neither have been into pulling their pants down.

ThreeornotToThree · 17/04/2015 23:11

and in reply to zigzag - it is a not uncommon boy thing. only yesterday my 4yo was instructed by two seven year olds to take his trousers and pants off whilst all on a trampoline and he did so. They all thought it was hilarious.

Original poster
NolanThorne · 17/04/2015 23:11

I appreciate that not all 7yo boys are innocent, particularly those who are abused themselves or exposed to things such as porn. This child is not. B absolutely knows that.

OP posts:
lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 23:14

Nolan I've had an issue with a 5yo boy asking DD to "feel the lump in his pants" and have had to tackle it with school.

DCs do explore and it is entirely possible B feels uncomfortable with her much younger DS being drawn into willy comparing or something with a 6/7yo. Quite rightly.

They haven't handled it amazingly but trust me it's bloody awkward so I can see why they are just avoiding the issue!

lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 23:16

And you have no idea if that boy could have been exposed to something. You can never be sure what goes on behind a homes closed doors. For the sake of your DC you need to understand that.

AgentZigzag · 17/04/2015 23:18

You don't have to be exposed to porn or abused to be curious in a non-innocent way at 7 Nolan.

And I would say that you shouldn't really look at it in the same way as you would at an adult who might be interested in anything like that either.

It's complicated and not something most people want to think about, but that doesn't mean it's not there (although I'm not in any way suggesting it is in the scenario you've described).

NataliaBaker · 17/04/2015 23:26

Anything could have happened in the parents lives in their pasts to make them wary of the situation.

Also, just because the boy was telling the little one to pull his pants up when someone walked in, doesn't mean he wasn't the one encouraging those pants to be down. B has every right to be wary if she wants to be.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/04/2015 23:37

I think p needs to phone b, and insist on finding out what b boy said happened.

AgentZigzag · 17/04/2015 23:42

But P and her DH has made it pretty clear they don't want any contact with B arethereanyleftatall Confused

Even if you've got B and P mixed up, P doesn't want contact and she doesn't have to justify her decision to B in any way.