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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes I was 100% unreasonable, I just smacked my toddlers arm.

118 replies

Bumpandkind · 14/04/2015 18:28

God, I feel awful. Making supper for Ds 21 months and like a twat I picked up a pan that had been in the oven and screamed in pain. Ds thought this was hilarious and started laughing. I got down to his level, told him it's not funny and smacked him on the arm. He looked so shocked and burst into tears. I don't know what came over me. I'm not a person to loose their temper or even shout at all. He's now happily eating and chatting away to me and although it seems he's forgotten already I certainly haven't. How can I make sure this doesn't happen again?

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 14/04/2015 21:16

I get the point about the school abuse. My dad was locked in a room on his own and beat with a ruler as a method of discipline. It only stopped when he threw a teacher across a room because the teacher beat him due to him crying about his mums death.

That was different (in my eyes) to what my mum did. I was sat down, spoken to like an adult and given a tap on the bum or legs. Later we would talk about what had happened and everything would be okay.

I do understand everyones points though, especially for those in which they've had bad experiences with it.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/04/2015 21:31

Snacking a child because you momentarily lost your temper and then bitterly regret it shows you actually do not have any sort of abusive mindset. Losing your temper is not a crime. It is part of being human

Really ? I wonder how many men use that excuse after hitting their wives ..

pinning I have read the thread - I just dont automatically follow the crowd. Just because you work with childen who are actually abused (another one trotting that line out like a badge) does not give you the moral high ground.

I can understand a smacked hand or a smacked bottom because the child was doing somthing dangerous or extremly naughty (although it's somthing ive never done with my two) - but lashing out because of anger/spite that a 22 month old laughed at her - no that's wrong.

I'd be ashamed of myself and I wouldn't be on here looking for sympathy.

fourteen · 14/04/2015 22:17

Yeah well. Horses for courses isn't it "Joyfull"?

fulltothebrim · 14/04/2015 22:23

Well said joyfull.

FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 22:32

well you know it was wrong

you snapped and you feel bad, its done and all is ok now apart from you feeling guilty and what really is the point of holding on to that

the difference with men who hit their wives is that they pretend to feel guilty it is all part of their manipulation which started long before they were violent. the op feels guilty she is not trying to manipulate anyone just hoping some other parents have acted the same way or can understand how she feels so really there is no comparison

Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/04/2015 23:25

ok how about -

I burnt my hand today and my 82 year old DGM who has dementia laughed at me. So I hit her. She is quite fine now though - I doubt she remembers it. I feel bad - I won't do it again.

Yep I can just see posters climbing over themselves offering Wine and Brew - Hmm

why is it not ok to 'snap' on adults but ok to 'snap' on children?

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 14/04/2015 23:29

joy come on the op feels bad enough here.

FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 23:33

is anyone saying it is ok to snap and lash out

what people are saying is that it happens and it happens to even the nicest most gentle people who would never usually act in such a way

op feels bad, but it is done and can not be undone so what is the point in punishing herself even more a lesson has been learnt

I would say it is an unfortunate incident not one that was in anyway calculated or that the op felt justified in her actions

GraysAnalogy · 14/04/2015 23:35

I do think it's a good point that it would never be acceptable were the person in the scenario an adult.

One that makes me reflect on my feelings about smacking as discipline.

Marmaladedandelions · 14/04/2015 23:39

it's true that we don't smack adults but then adults don't usually behave in such an exasperating way as children sometimes do, and personally I can understand, although not condone, someone lashing out in exhaustion and irritation dealing with someone with dementia.

I smacked my son once on the bottom for kicking me in the face by mistake. It just shocked and hurt me and I did 'lash out' - no damage done but I did apologise. We have a close and loving relationship.

It happens. The occasional smack is not child abuse, it ideally shouldn't happen but worse things happen at sea :)

GraysAnalogy · 14/04/2015 23:41

it's true that we don't smack adults but then adults don't usually behave in such an exasperating way as children sometimes do

i would have to disagree personally but I do seem to be surrounded by arse holes at times.

Marmaladedandelions · 14/04/2015 23:43

I did say 'usually' Grin

I think the other key thing is we don't feel responsible for the behaviour of adults - we do for our children.

laughingcow13 · 14/04/2015 23:46

if you had smacked am older child as a punishment , I could have accepted that. but lashing out at a one year old because they were laughing is very worrying

rebelfor · 14/04/2015 23:54

Are all the ones giving the OP sympathy deliberately missing the fact she slapped her baby because he laughed at her?

This wasn't a slap done because the OP was 'exhausted' or 'irritated', or because her child was being 'exasperating'.

Can't see in what world the innocent laughter of a child (who doesn't understand that his mother was actually in pain) would warrant a slap, or would be understood by others.

VanitasVanitatum · 14/04/2015 23:57

Maybe she, who knows her child, did not think it was innocent laughter, but thought he was actually laughing at her pain, which would in fact be somehing that surely you would want to explain was wrong?

Obviously totally utterly wrong to smack but OP knows that, this is simply in response to all the posts saying she smacked him because she was hurt - she smacked him because he laughed at her pain. Even at just two children know when another person is in pain?

Marmaladedandelions · 14/04/2015 23:58

Because you don't immediately process those things. When you've had time to process the, you realise that of course the baby isn't laughing AT you, but you react in that instinctive moment of pain.

I feel for the OP, here, I can imagine myself doing something similar.

GraysAnalogy · 14/04/2015 23:59

a 21 month old laughing at someone because they were in pain Confused more likely to be laughing at a facial expression or a noise she made. Not the fact she was in pain.

The thought of a 21 month old having anything other than 'innocent laughter' is ridiculous.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 15/04/2015 00:00

When you are in sudden acute pain and shock you can lash out.

The op feels bad enough stop piling on the agony.

unless you are so bloody perfect and guessing not.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 15/04/2015 00:02

Yes Grays agree with your post there.

The child was of course innocent as the op herself stated.

rebelfor · 15/04/2015 00:03

stop piling on the agony

Don't post in AIBU, maybe?

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 15/04/2015 00:21

People post for many reasons in aib.

Most for support or help.

Others to stamp on people and be the better parent/person. Strange ones. Hmm

rebelfor · 15/04/2015 00:35

Others to stamp on people and be the better parent/person. Strange ones.

Have I stated I'm a better parent/person than the OP? No. Have I 'stamped' on anyone? No.

I suppose we all have our own idea of what constitutes 'strange' people. Hmm

fulltothebrim · 15/04/2015 07:46

A 21 month old laughing as a result of a fright is not an innappropriate response. They are learning how to deal with their emotions- it is not vindictive.
So even bearong that in mind imagine the OP's post had other family members been involved and not a one year old:

God, I feel awful. Making supper for my wife and like a twat I picked up a pan that had been in the oven and screamed in pain. My wife thought this was hilarious and started laughing. I got down to he rlevel, told her it's not funny and smacked her on the arm. She looked so shocked and burst into tears. I don't know what came over me. I'm not a person to loose their temper or even shout at all. She is now now happily eating and chatting away to me and although it seems she's forgotten already I certainly haven't. How can I make sure this doesn't happen again?

fulltothebrim · 15/04/2015 07:48

When you are in sudden acute pain and shock you can lash out.

So you would hit an elderly member of your family? Or a member of the medical staff in hospital?

Koalafications · 15/04/2015 08:08

Initially I was sympathetic with the OP, however, the example by joyful re: an elderly person with dementia put it into perspective.

I do still sympathise with the OP for snapping, however, it isn't scceptsble to lash out at a child just because they are s child. If we wouldnt do it to an adult why would it be acceptable to do to a baby of child.