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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re ex DH and his days with DC?

96 replies

Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:12

DH and I have 2 DC. We separated a year ago. I'm a sahm, ex works full time.

When we first separated he had DC every weekend, Friday to Monday. He wasn't happy with this so I willingly changed it to him having every other Friday off and him having them fri-tues that week.

He then wanted to change again so I'd have them all day on the Saturday of that week, again fine.

The other Saturday I was due to drop them off in the evening. He calls a few days before to say I have to have them that night, and from now on every other Saturday as well as Friday night. He said he's happy to have them through until the Wednesday to compensate... I said no, as he works during week.

I said I'd be ok with the new arrangement but want to swap the alternate weeks to coincide with my partners children coming to stay, he said no way, he's not changing the weeks and yes I do have to go with his plan.

It means he sees DC less, but he has a new girlfriend and says he wants the weekends to build their relationship.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:13

(Sorry 2nd paragraph, I meant he'd have them Saturday-tues)

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reni1 · 13/04/2015 22:21

He can't just say you have to go with his plan, there has to be a little give and take. New girlfriend will have to come second after the children, he is a parent and she is presumably aware of the fact.

DisappointedOne · 13/04/2015 22:24

Are you sharing custody or giving him contact? Which does he want? How old are the children?

I believe the courts start at every other weekend (Fri-Sun) and 1 night in the week in between.

But you can agree what you like between you. Can't blame him for wanting some free weekend time

Littlemonstersrule · 13/04/2015 22:25

If he has them on weekdays you could work so that's a positive.

Both need to agree to the changes though. Your new partners should come second.

rockinrobintweet · 13/04/2015 22:28

it seems he has them a lot baring in mind you're a stay at home mom. would it be easier to do alternative weekends. so one weekend friday- sunday Eve and then one weekend he doesn't see them at all.

usually, from my understanding, a court would suggest this, and perhaps an evening each week (my single parent friends all seem to have Wednesday nights without DC).

that way you'd have a solid understanding of what is what, and you'd both have your own weekend time on alternate weekends; if he works all week and has dc all weekend I can see why he'd ask for some time to allocate to his gf.

or have you got 50/50 shared custody?

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:29

The problem is we can't agree on which weekend. DP and I want DC with us the same weekend as his DS is with us otherwise they never see each other. DH wants them the same weekend as he spends the other with his new girlfriend.

We have now Reached stalemate...

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Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:29

We have joint custody but I'm their primary carer as ex works full time during week.

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rockinrobintweet · 13/04/2015 22:29

X post disappointedone; apologies but at leat I know now my understanding is correct lol!

PtolemysNeedle · 13/04/2015 22:31

YANBU, but neither is he. It's fair enough for him to want some time free at the weekends. Could you suggest something that might work for him in a few weeks, so that he has a chance to do the things coming up that he has planned and then swop the weekends so that it's the ones that suit you after an agreed date?

AlternativeTentacles · 13/04/2015 22:31

Surely you just start the new arrangement on a weekend that suits you? Then it automatically falls in line with your partners kids being there?

PtolemysNeedle · 13/04/2015 22:32

Does his girlfriend have children that so end eow with a parent as well, so he needs his child free weekends to be the same as hers?

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:33

He's point blank refusing to compromise on this even though I've compromised three times now.

I suggested as we both want the same weekends on/off we shared each one. He refuses to do this too.

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PtolemysNeedle · 13/04/2015 22:33

Spend EOW! Stupid autocorrect.

mayfridaycomequickly · 13/04/2015 22:33

could you all compromise and do 2 weekends on, 2 off? Then kids and ds.kids see each other once a month, he and gf get 1 weekend a month together?

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:34

Yes she does have children

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Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:35

That's a good idea May

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PtolemysNeedle · 13/04/2015 22:36

Then wouldn't it be best for the dc to have their Dad to themselves on the weekend he's with them, rather than him ending up introducing the new GF sooner than would be ideal because it's the only time they get together?

TinLizzie · 13/04/2015 22:36

Could you DP change the weekend he has his, so it coincides as you want?

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:37

Dp and I Iive together and feel it's important that my DC and his DD have a chance to bond.

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TinLizzie · 13/04/2015 22:37

*your

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:38

Tin - no as his ex works and she can't change her hours.

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Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:40

This is the third girlfriend he's introduced them to in six months, hence my Hmm ....

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TinLizzie · 13/04/2015 22:40

Well it's a bugger's muddle then. Don't know how you can resolve this because someone, somewhere, has to compromise and if no-one's willing then ...??

PeruvianFoodLover · 13/04/2015 22:41

If you can try and sell it to him as best for the DCs, that might help.

If there are stepsiblings in each of their homes, then it's important they get the chance to see them regularly and to build a relationship with all of them.

It would be a nightmare if the DCs were suddenly faced with "half a school holiday" with oneaewnr and had to share that parent with a stepsibling (or more than one) who they had never spent any time with since the last holiday. That would be difficult for the adults involved too, as the limited time they have with their DC will undoubtedly affected by the discomfort of everyone involved.

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:42

I'm really trying, I've suggested we have DC half a weekend each, that way we each get half of what we want, he says no...

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