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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re ex DH and his days with DC?

96 replies

Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:12

DH and I have 2 DC. We separated a year ago. I'm a sahm, ex works full time.

When we first separated he had DC every weekend, Friday to Monday. He wasn't happy with this so I willingly changed it to him having every other Friday off and him having them fri-tues that week.

He then wanted to change again so I'd have them all day on the Saturday of that week, again fine.

The other Saturday I was due to drop them off in the evening. He calls a few days before to say I have to have them that night, and from now on every other Saturday as well as Friday night. He said he's happy to have them through until the Wednesday to compensate... I said no, as he works during week.

I said I'd be ok with the new arrangement but want to swap the alternate weeks to coincide with my partners children coming to stay, he said no way, he's not changing the weeks and yes I do have to go with his plan.

It means he sees DC less, but he has a new girlfriend and says he wants the weekends to build their relationship.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:37

I'm not trying to 'make out' he is in the 'wrong'.... I agreed to his change, on the condition that we could swap weekends. He is refusing to do this. He is also refusing to compromise at all. This is what is bothering me.

OP posts:

PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:38

When we first separated he had DC every weekend, Friday to Monday.

He wasn't having them every weekend.

Both things you said, which is it?

Your ex is clearly wrong for shouting and being verbally abusive, presumably there are very good reasons why you split up. But I don't believe that you will never have shouted at him or called him a name, these things happen when relationships are breaking down.

I know it happened plenty of times with my ex, we said all sorts of nasty things to each other when emotions were running high and we were in a tough situation, but we are still equally good parents, and are now able to be supportive to each other.

Original poster

Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:39

I do however feel he is 'in the wrong' for the bullying and abusive way he speaks to me.

OP posts:

PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:39

That's why you should keep pushing for the split weekend idea, he may well come round eventually, especially as arrangements naturally change as dc get older and have more going on in their own lives.

Original poster

Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:40

He had them every weekend for a month. It then changed.

No I have not been abusive to him. I have never spoken to him like that and I do not expect to be spoken to in that way either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:42

He has point blank refused the split weekend idea, which I feel is a fair compromise.

He becomes abusive when I try to discuss it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:43

He says that by my leaving him I have forced him to compromise his life, and that I don't deserve any compromise from him.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 14/04/2015 10:46

This sounds like an awful situation where all the adults are expecting the children to be worked into the relationships with their new partners rather than the other way around.

Op, you are complaining that your xh has introduced three girlfriends into his dc's lives within six months, perhaps that isn't ideal, but neither is moving in a new partner within months of a split with their dad and trying to force a bond with a stepsibling they never asked to have, or for that matter introducing a whole set of stepsiblings into the lives of a toddler who was presumably only a baby when her parents split so is essentially still developing her relationship with her dad.

Given the reason why your xh's gf and dp's ex can't change their own access weekends has to do with work and yours only has to do with the fact you want all the children to be together, the reality is that the only one who is able to compromise is you. Yes that is unfortunate, but tbh the relationship with their dad is more important than the relationship with a stepsibling, equally the toddler's relationship with her dad is more important than her relationship with your dc. You will presumably have holidays in which to create that relationship, and if you and dp stay together then the relationship between them and dp's dd will grow in time, but it doesn't need to be forced now.

Can I ask, did you leave your dh for your dp? not to be accusatory, but the fact that you have moved him in so very soon plus your xh's reluctance to be accommodating could possibly be explained by the fact that perhaps your dp was the om?

PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:48

Then it must be difficult for him if you left him and within a year you have a new man living with his children and now you want to change his days with his dc to fit in with this new man and his children.

Really, this is still all very new, and given time your ex may well be more open to compromise.

Asking him to change his weekends thereby making it harder for him to move on and develop new relationships for the sake of making it easier for you and your new man was never going to be met well if he never wanted your marriage to end.

Original poster

Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:57

I appreciate all your input guys. It's hard to get perspective when the only people giving theirs are the ones directly involved, and of course everyone involved has their own wants and needs.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 14/04/2015 10:59

Complicated!

You need time with your new DP
Your DP needs time alone with his toddler
You want time with your DP, his toddler and your children
Your Ex wants time alone with his children
Your Ex wants time alone with his new girlfriend
Your Ex wants your children to meet his new girlfriend (??)

Tempting though it is to have a go at his frequency of new girlfriends, try and retain the moral high ground on that one.

Original poster

Calistar · 14/04/2015 11:04

DC have already met new GF and her DC several times.

It's more that I'm uncomfortable with him bringing a fair few women in and out of their lives in such a short space of time, but I have not mentioned this to EX, it is what it is and I understand he is muddling through as best he can.

OP posts:

Original poster

Calistar · 14/04/2015 11:07

I do think my half/half proposal is fair.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 14/04/2015 13:34

Every other weekend and one overnight or a couple of hours one evening in the week he doesn't have them at weekends.

Much easier and fairer for everyone

wannaBe · 14/04/2015 15:05

I agree that eow is better. a half/half weekends doesn't give the dc a block of quality time with either parent.

Kizzmitt · 14/04/2015 16:22

Just to reiterate, we are doing alternate weekends at the moment, he has requested I do every other saturday nigh too, I have said fine, but in that case the weekends need to change round.

We both want the same weekend on/off. The half/half is a compromise.

mynewpassion · 14/04/2015 17:10

I'm not sure the last post was from the OP as name is different.

So he wants every other weekend Fri- Mon. The other weekends Sunday-Tue?

mynewpassion · 14/04/2015 17:11

If its currently eow. He should have 2 full child free weekends.

WatchaGonnaDo · 14/04/2015 17:53

OP, I'm not going to judge at all - it sounds like a horribly complicated situation for all concerned. How old are your children? Are they at an age where they can articulate the circumstances or preferences of how they would like contact to be? They or your DP's (or Ex's DP) child might want their own dad to themselves at access times (I really enjoyed to company of my DF's DSC at times but it pissed me off sometimes having the share his attention/the idea we would all entertain each other.

WatchaGonnaDo · 14/04/2015 17:54

*the company - damn you midpost caller

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/04/2015 21:23

And one glaringly obvious issue is that you're expecting OP to say she won't stand for her ex dictating weekend access dates, when that's exactly what she's trying to do. It's her that wants to swop dates, not him, so why should she be allowed to dictate dates? Especially as she only wants to change them to fit in with her new partner?

Are you reading a different op to me?

They had an arangement he changed it twice then a few days before his contact said nope not having them and demanded to swop days a third time she thought about it and said ok let's swop to your plan but x week instead of y week and he's thrown his teddy out of the pram.

That's her trying to find something that works for everybody rather than just him given that he's the one that's chopping and changing

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