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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re ex DH and his days with DC?

96 replies

Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:12

DH and I have 2 DC. We separated a year ago. I'm a sahm, ex works full time.

When we first separated he had DC every weekend, Friday to Monday. He wasn't happy with this so I willingly changed it to him having every other Friday off and him having them fri-tues that week.

He then wanted to change again so I'd have them all day on the Saturday of that week, again fine.

The other Saturday I was due to drop them off in the evening. He calls a few days before to say I have to have them that night, and from now on every other Saturday as well as Friday night. He said he's happy to have them through until the Wednesday to compensate... I said no, as he works during week.

I said I'd be ok with the new arrangement but want to swap the alternate weeks to coincide with my partners children coming to stay, he said no way, he's not changing the weeks and yes I do have to go with his plan.

It means he sees DC less, but he has a new girlfriend and says he wants the weekends to build their relationship.

Aibu?

OP posts:
TinLizzie · 13/04/2015 22:42

He's being an arse and in this case, I'd just tell him it's tough and you're not changing. What's he going to do with the next one? Change again?

Not fair on DCs. How old are they?

CheeseandGherkins · 13/04/2015 22:43

Is there a court order in place?

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:44

Dp is getting really annoyed with him dictating the hours, this is the third time now.

OP posts:
TinLizzie · 13/04/2015 22:45

Not surprised. Step situations are complicated enough without making it even worse. Sorry - can't help but can offer sympathy!

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:46

It's really causing strain between me and DP.

No there's no court order, I'm considering mediation.

The last time we tried to talk about it I ended up in tears after he called me a fucking idiot and said it was like trying to talk to a child, he was always a charmer Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:47

Ex DH that is, not DP!

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 13/04/2015 22:48

Just set the days then, put it in writing and have a weekend each, that's better for the children imo. If he doesn't like it, tough; he has the option of court. He doesn't sound like he's a great dad if he's introduced them to 3 girlfriends in 6 months...

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:48

I'm just wondering which, if either of us, is being unreasonable? Finding it hard to get perspective.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 13/04/2015 22:50

Oh, and don't tolerate being spoken to like that, don't talk at all if that's how he treats you. Put it all in writing. You need to detach if you're crying over it.

CheeseandGherkins · 13/04/2015 22:51

I would say that he is being unreasonable.

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:52

He's point blank refusing to have them the weekend I want him to. short of just turning up with them, or withholding them the next weekend I don't know what I can do.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 13/04/2015 22:59

Is there more chance of your dp's ex being more flexible and swapping her access weekend so the DSC visit the opposite weekend to their current one? Then your children would all meet at access weekend at yours, then the following weekend they'd all be away? That's the situation you want I assume?

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 23:00

Hi Owl, yes I have asked him but he also point blank refuses to ask her...

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 23:02

I mean he point blank refuses to ask his new gf whether she might be se to reorganise.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 13/04/2015 23:03

Your dp asks his ex, not your ex.

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 23:05

Sorry, confusing! His ex works ornery other weekend and is unable to change her hours

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 13/04/2015 23:07

That's a shame. Back to 2 weekends in a row each then I guess.

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 23:09

I can almost guarantee he won't agree to that either Owl

OP posts:
TinLizzie · 13/04/2015 23:15

OP - YOU hold the cards here, not ex. Stop trying to work it out for him; TELL him when he's having them and refuse to get into a discussion about it if he can't discuss it properly.

Otherwise, go to court.

TinLizzie · 13/04/2015 23:16

properly nicely

Kampeki · 13/04/2015 23:22

He's point blank refusing to have them the weekend I want him to. short of just turning up with them, or withholding them the next weekend I don't know what I can do.

I don't think he is being unreasonable - why should you get to dictate the weekend that suits you? I'm not sure that either of you are being unreasonable as such, but he does has the right to a life as well.

Why was it that you don't want him to have the kids during the week? I'm presuming you have a preschooler or something? Are you planning to go back to work yourself?

I do feel that he has a somewhat rougher deal tbh - he looks after the kids on his "days off" whereas you get to have a complete break - or at least you would, if it weren't for your DP's dc.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/04/2015 06:13

She is not dictating the days, she is wanting to stick to the arangement he keeps changing.

Just tell him the arangement will not be changing at all but should he wish to have a day off he is more than welcome to collect at a different time and you will be collecting as normal.

Then go to mediation if safe to do so and try to resolve it whilst there

shewept · 14/04/2015 06:31

Wow this is very difficult.

I understand him wanting a weekend free, and you will also get a free weekend.

I also understand him wanting to do the same as you. Have all the kids together.

However he is being an arse they way he is going about it. I do like mays idea.

The problem is someone will have to compromise. And yes I appreciate he has changed the days before. But neither is bu, on the principle as you both want the same for the same reasons.

No chance his new gf can change the weekend she has her kids?

Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 08:24

Thanks for all the very good advice. It is a difficult situation, made even more complicated by the fact he is refusing to compromise.

I like the 2 weekends on, 2 off idea from May too. I will put it to him today and report back.

OP posts:
marcopront · 14/04/2015 08:50

I might be misunderstanding but it seems you want the arrangement to suit your new partner and he wants the arrangement to suit his new partner.

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