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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re ex DH and his days with DC?

96 replies

Calistar · 13/04/2015 22:12

DH and I have 2 DC. We separated a year ago. I'm a sahm, ex works full time.

When we first separated he had DC every weekend, Friday to Monday. He wasn't happy with this so I willingly changed it to him having every other Friday off and him having them fri-tues that week.

He then wanted to change again so I'd have them all day on the Saturday of that week, again fine.

The other Saturday I was due to drop them off in the evening. He calls a few days before to say I have to have them that night, and from now on every other Saturday as well as Friday night. He said he's happy to have them through until the Wednesday to compensate... I said no, as he works during week.

I said I'd be ok with the new arrangement but want to swap the alternate weeks to coincide with my partners children coming to stay, he said no way, he's not changing the weeks and yes I do have to go with his plan.

It means he sees DC less, but he has a new girlfriend and says he wants the weekends to build their relationship.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 08:59

Basically, yes. Although DP and I have been living together for quite a while now and are trying to create bonds between his DD and my DC. Ex DH has been with his new GF a matter of weeks and wants the weekend free to get his new relationship off the ground.

I do feel it's important for DC to have quality time with DP's DD if they are to bond.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 09:03

She doesn't want to stick to the days, she wants to swop the access weekends around. Tbh, I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, except for the fact that you both seem to be moving new partners and step siblings into your children's lives very soon after your spilt, it's just one of those things. It doesn't seem fair to call him an arse for being in exactly the same position as you, you both want the same weekend because of your new partners, and neither has more right to it than the other.

You both want the same weekend, and ultimately, one of you will end up not getting what you want. There isn't really space for compromise

The two weekends in a row thing doesn't seem fair on the dc or him to me, it would mean that your dc wouldn't see their dad for ages when they stay at their primary home for two weekends in a row.

He has changed the arrangements before, but I think that's understandable in the first few moths after a split where you are both figuring out what works for you in your new lives. Your new DP is out of order getting pissed off at your ex changing arrangements, it's nothing to do with him, even if you have moved him in.

I think you'd be better off pushing for the weekends to be split so that on the weekends he is due to have them, you get to get them for a bit so they can have some time with their new step sibling if that's what you really want, but then they still get time with their dad as well. Then on the weekends they are with you, he could still see them for a short amount of time.

Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 09:19

Hi Ptolemy, I did try to push for weekends to be split as I saw this as the fairest compromise but his response was "No way".

I have tried, but he is calling the shots, again.

OP posts:
Littlemonstersrule · 14/04/2015 09:29

It might be better for the children if you don't push your partners new child on them all the time. Within a year they have seen their parents split, have a new man in their home complete with another child within months and their dad dating. That's a lot for children to handle.

Time with their dad is more important that time with your partners child.

There must be a compromise you can reach, the dad should have a day in that rather than having to work around your partners ex.

PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 09:30

I read that, but it sounds like you've got more chance of that happening than anything else, as he's saying no way to swopping to exactly what you want as well.

You haven't said anything that makes it sound like he's calling the shots any more than you are also trying to do. It's normal that in the first few months after it will take time to work out a regular arrangement that works for both of you, so I don't think it's fair to hold the first changes against him as if he's been out of order and you've been all accommodating.

Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 09:43

I don't feel he's been unreasonable up until now, if he even is now. More that I've been happy to accommodate his needs and compromise whereas he is not doing the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 09:44

I think the half/half weekend thing is a good idea. I thought about the two on/two off and realised that it will mean ex won't see DC for quite a while at a time.

I do think the half/half is a fair compromise and I am happy to do that. I think he is BU for not even considering it.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 14/04/2015 09:52

agree with PPs that the DC have been through a lot and that the priority should be what would work best for them (through mediation or court if need be). Your ex doesn't get to "call the shots".

Also, for now your new DP's DD might prefer time alone with her dad on her weekends with him than having to fit in with step-siblings.

Why the bitchy comments about your ex's new relationships? Less than a year after splitting up you are living with someone!

Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 09:55

I don't think I've been bitchy about his new GF Confused...

I'm hoping he's found someone who will make him happy, but I'm also wary about the fact he's introduced her to DC as she'll be the third one he's introduced in six months.

OP posts:
BohemianRaptor · 14/04/2015 09:57

Maybe your DP's child would prefer some time alone with his dad though rather than have to share him with a whole other family every time he visits? That way you get some time to yourself too. I understand you want the dc to bond but that can't be forced and surely all the dc maintaining relationships with their respective fathers is more important.

PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:08

I agree that it sounds like it would be better all round if all of the children involved weren't made to 'bond' just yet. Everything must be happening very quickly for them and time with their parents is far more important than bonding with their parents new partners children, who they have no real need to bond with except for the convenience that means the parents get to have more child free weekends.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/04/2015 10:10

No, he doesn't get to call the shots. Yes, you DO withhold them that weekend - and tell him that he can take it to court if he wants. Stop talking to him, especially if he's upsetting you, and put it all in an email, thus:

'Dear X,

Am from now on communicating on this topic by email as it seems it will be helpful to have a record. Secondly, I do not think it is useful for us to speak face to face as you have started to be verbally abusive - presumably because unlike the last two times you have demanded to change access arrangements, you aren't immediately getting your own way at everyone else's expense.

My final word on the matter stands. I am prepared to change my arrangements so that the access is every other weekend, with me having them Friday and Saturday nights of 'my' weekend. I emphasise that this is the second time you have asked to change the agreement and thus disrupt the schedule the children have been used to.

What I will not agree to is your dictating the weekend dates to fit in with the arrangements around your new (ie only a matter of weeks old) relationship. The weekend you wish to take, in order that the children 'get to know' yet another of your so-far extremely short term partners does not work for me and with arrangements within the children's main home for a variety of reasons.

I have no issue with respecting the fact that it is your responsibility to decide when and in what circumstances the children are introduced to your new partners. However, I do not consider that this is more important than the organisation of our family life at the children's main residence. I also note that, as on the following weekend you would have the children for several days, you would have ample time to introduce the children to your new partners and to organise social events with them.

The children will be available on X weekend for you to collect from X. They will not be available on X weekend. Please do not try and engage with me further on this except by email as I am not prepared to be verbally abused by you again. If you do not agree with these proposals, then you are welcome to suggest mediation.'

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/04/2015 10:14

Oh and what others are saying about bonding - I agree. There's no real reason YET for your children and your DPs to spend time together. However, in terms of 'bonding' either with potential new step-siblings or potential new stepmothers... again, YOUR proposal is the best. They get time alone with you during the week even if the SDC are there on weekends. If you go it with his plans, it sounds like they'd only see their dad with the new girlfriend in tow. Not good.

PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:15

That's a bit harsh sylvanians!

And one glaringly obvious issue is that you're expecting OP to say she won't stand for her ex dictating weekend access dates, when that's exactly what she's trying to do. It's her that wants to swop dates, not him, so why should she be allowed to dictate dates? Especially as she only wants to change them to fit in with her new partner?

It doesn't seem like anyone's actually putting the children ahead of their own wants in this sorry situation.

PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:17

If you go it with his plans, it sounds like they'd only see their dad with the new girlfriend in tow. Not good.

Maybe I've misunderstood this, or maybe you have, but I thought it sounded like the ex wants to see his children on the weekend that he's not with his new girlfriend. If OP has her way, that's when the GF will be around on the ex's contact days.

Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:17

DP's child is a toddler. She loves my DC and they in turn get very exited when she comes to stay and spend the whole time cooing over her and playing with her, it is really lovely. I do feel it's important to maintain and develop that bond.

As it now stands they will never see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:21

I don't think it's a 'sorry' situation in which neither of us are putting our DC first. It is a disagreement between the parents over dates.

DH is in fact cutting his time with DC for his new relationship. This also bothers me.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:21

It's not more important than them having their dad to themselves when they see him though. It's nice for you, but it's not something that your dc really need.

PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:22

He cut his time because he was having them every single weekend. It's not unreasonable for him to have them every other weekend, that what most people do.

Littlemonstersrule · 14/04/2015 10:23

Can't you sit down together and work this out like adults? You both need to compromise, you can't have it all your own way yet accuse him of wanting things his way.

You have the luxury of the children living with you wheras he is reliant on whatever you agree to access wise. It's very unfair on the NRP when they are a decent parent.

Surely your DP wants time alone with his toddler, the split must be very recent and the child so young that they will need their own bonding time.

Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:25

It is DH's choice if he decides to coincide DC & new GF that weekend. He has all week to see her alone, or he could see her on the weekend he has off.

Or if he would compromise her could see her alone for half the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:29

He wasn't having them every weekend.

I have tried to work it out like adults. He became abusive, called me a fucking idiot, said I wasn't normal and started shouting. He then asked what I thought I could do about it, that I couldn't force him to have his DC, all the while laughing at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:30

Like I have said, I have tried tirelessly to compromise with him! I have changed the days three times now to suit him. I have also offered a compromise for this situation which he is refusing.

I'm not sure what else I can do in terms of compromising when he is point blank refusing to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 14/04/2015 10:32

DP was never in a relationship with the mother of his toddler.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 14/04/2015 10:34

Maybe on the weekend he currently has off, his new gf has her children at home, and she sensibly doesn't want to introduce them yet.

You're saying it's his choice what he does, and you're right, but equally, your new DP could see his toddler during the week when your children are around, or he could swop his weekends.

I know youve said that there are reasons why your new DP can't swop his weekend, but they are no more valid than your ex's reasons for not wanting to swop just because they suit you better.

You are com one across as very hypocritical.

I'm not meaning to get at you, I know from experience how difficult step families and blended family situations can be, but I don't think it's fair for you to make out your ex is in the wrong when all he wants to do is stick to the dates you already have.