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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

355 replies

Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 12:21

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

OP posts:
Treaclepot · 13/04/2015 07:03

Is this the only time you see them in the week?

I couldn't imagine seeing my parents or in laws every week but more then once a week would drive me nuts.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 07:09

This thread is really useful for my 'Things I mustn't do if I ever become a mother in law' list.

I have just added, 'Picking up grandchildren from school - even if mum and dad can't do it' and 'Chatting to anyone who isn't my age'.

Thanks all.

ladymariner · 13/04/2015 07:15

Agree with pp who said the term " my little family" makes her cringe.....it really is hideous, absolutely vomit-inducing.

And I also think op, YABU.

fulltothebrim · 13/04/2015 07:17

You are being a precious little princess OP.

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 07:27

Floisme

"I have just added, 'Picking up grandchildren from school - even if mum and dad can't do it' and 'Chatting to anyone who isn't my age"

Yes - my comment really does say exactly that, doesn't it? Just as you've stated it Hmm

But there is no "musn't", is there? You can and will chat on & on to anybody you like.

Im perfectly happy to greet hi & bye the teen visitors, pass a few comments then wander off to do my own thing. I'll pass on the sitting amongst them needing to instigate convos & be involved thing, thanks.

Mehitabel6 · 13/04/2015 07:27

'my little family' is one of those very insular comments which immediately upset people. Much better for the child to have the wide extended family.

HamishBamish · 13/04/2015 07:33

YABU. It's not about you OP. Does your son want his GP's there? After all, they are coming to see him not you. If you are as hostile towards them as you appear from to be from this thread, I'm amazed they dare to turn up at all!

comedancing · 13/04/2015 07:33

I see your point here Op. I loved going to my ds's matches over the years. I got to meet all the other moms and as l was a statement at home mom then it was actually quite a sociable thing for me. If my mil or my dm had been there l couldn't have been myself and l would have hated it. I had absolutely no problem with either of them. They only came if it was a final and everyone was out in crowds making it a special occasion. I think if they lived locally it would be awkward to say no but l would have hated to not have my own space every week.also be careful that GD is not over the top with the shouting as men get so bloody carried away at times. If the inlays are local you won't be able to keep them out of your space but it would be annoying for me.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 07:36

Well what does your comment say, Cece? Your mother in law, from where I'm sitting (and I can only go from what you've told us) was doing you a massive favour but all you talk about is how she 'muscled in' on your friends.

But thank you anyway for allowing me to chat.

HamishBamish · 13/04/2015 07:37

Much better for the child to have the wide extended family.

This

I never had GP's nearby when I was a child due to distance and I would have loved to have more of a day to day relationship with them. I count myself lucky that my PIL are nearby and able to take an active part in my DS's lives. Of course it would be great if my parents were close by too, but that isn't the case.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 07:44

I am pro sports mom ;( with three sons. I get what you mean about the talking You just want to watch without feeling responsible for what your mil might say/offend etc. if these friendships are new and fun you want to look after them.

I think your h needs to man up here. Just say mum every week is too much for son to have 4 people watching.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 07:45

The pressure kids get from shouty spectators is one reason mine all gave up football. You should swap to rugby!

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/04/2015 07:48

I do understand this, my aunt wormed her way into coming to DD's VIP assembly, then she was miffed that I didn't get her a ticket to the school's Mother's Day lunch. It's special to me, they're my DC. It was for mums and grannies only anyway.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 07:53

And an aunt being upset at not getting a ticket to a special school Mother's Day lunch is exactly the same as grandparents wanting to stand on the touchline for 30 minutes on a Saturday watching a football match............

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/04/2015 07:58

I do understand this, my aunt wormed her way into coming to DD's VIP assembly, then she was miffed that I didn't get her a ticket to the school's Mother's Day lunch.

Grin not really a comparison between OP's gripe and your's Bath

cricketballs · 13/04/2015 08:00

comedancing "If my mil or my dm had been there l couldn't have been myself" that statement is your problem not your mil/dm's; why can't you be yourself in front of them?

Op - as a mother of 2 sporting DS (think you could guess which sport!) My PIL came to all the junior matches for DS1 (and still do for DS2). Now DS1 is senior only which means a full day, they only occasionally turn up and don't stay for the full match.

My PIL do sound like yours - mil talks to everyone, fil thinks he knows the game better than everyone else (despite never playing!) and sometimes it is a pain but both DS appreciate that their GP attending and that they are proud of them. I don't feel the need to have to keep them company so I talk to who I like, they talk to who they like and everyone goes home happy if they have won

laundryexpertamysolavis · 13/04/2015 08:03

Chellors123 has said several times that her DS is indifferent to his GP presence so why do people keep asking the same questions, RTFT! My parents both worked a lot when I was little, full time jobs and overtime, my GP looked after me a lot and I loved them but I would say that as a child I craved time with just my mum and dad and I think my GP, particularly my gran (maternal) did muscle in on this, she was there at every holiday, school event etc. and I know my poor dad did feel pushed out by this. Likewise I have a friend whose MIL I find to be overbearing, she takes over with the children and is critical of my friend's parenting. She invites herself along to things at the school which I know my friend would prefer to have just with her DH and kids and I have a lot of sympathy for your position OP, you've had a rough ride from some PP (current overbearing MIL or future MIL from hell I suspect!)

Roussette · 13/04/2015 08:05

I must be extremely selfish because if I ever have GC's I cannot for one minute image going every week to watch a GC play football. Don't get me wrong, I will relish time with a GC but blimey I've been there, done it, got the T shirt and really would not want to do that every week. I would be too busy having a life myself.

How far away do they live? Do they not have something better to do? It just sounds a bit unhealthy to revolve the whole of their lives around a GC. Do they have any other GC and are they like this with them too?

Original poster
Chellors123 · 13/04/2015 08:06

Just to answer some questions and clarify a couple of points

  • DS has never asked me if Granny and Grampa are coming to watch so will take from that he is not fussed either way.
  • PIL's do school pick up once a week so see DS regularly - this has always been because PIL want to do it, not because I dont have alternatives
  • I dont have a problem with MIL talking to friends, I just find it annoying that its not left at pleasentaries as I hear MIL asking them twenty questions about the opposition, their son, and guaranteed will share a 'footballing story from when DH was a boy - when probably the mums just want to watch the game. MistressDeeCee, thank you for your empathy.
  • I dont have a problem with them watching, I just find the insistence on coming every week too much
  • I mentioned in my original post since DS was born we have had to 'manage' their expectations as they will take a mile as they see their grandchildren as their hobby
  • DH has said ideally he doesnt want them coming every week but doesnt want to upset them and just sees it as 20 mins then we all head off home seperately

I dont think there is a compromise with this one, and agree the ignore the calls approach probably wasnt the best and put DH in a position (even though he agreed to trying it initially), just think we underestimated PIL's determination with the numerous calls to different devices and text's on a Sat morning to find out kick off time) - I just thought they might get the hint as believe it or not I dont want to upset them and wouldnt feel comfortable saying they couldnt come. So I think I will have to just accept it, but just know it will go on for years though as they watched their other DS every week until he was 36!

OP posts:
BucketFullOfDinosaurs · 13/04/2015 08:08

I kind of get where you're coming from, OP, as DH's family is like this. When any of the children are doing anything, the whole group - GPs, aunts, uncles etc are there. I find it irritating to never get to just go to the thing and enjoy it; we always have to coordinate 10 other people. Sometimes I would like it to just be an immediate family thing (especially as I'm fairly quiet, so when they're all there I feel pushed out, which is not what I want at DS's things).

It sounds to me like the issue for you is not so much them being there but that your DH isn't supportive of what you want. That's not to say he has to automatically do what you say, but he should be taking it on board and listening to your concerns. I think you're not being as unreasonable as some people are saying, but you maybe need to look at why this is causing so much angst and see what the real issues are.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 08:11

(current overbearing MIL or future MIL from hell I suspect!)

Advise us then, what can mother in laws do to help out/engage with their grandchildren without being overbearing? I asked the same question earlier on and had a couple of replies that made me laugh but no serious suggestions.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/04/2015 08:11

you've had a rough ride from some PP (current overbearing MIL or future MIL from hell I suspect!)

laundry, Perhaps those of us who have had ds's playing football with additional family supporting alongside haven't found it to be the ordeal OP has described and have posted their experiences.

I'm not likely to be an overbearing MiL but I hope I don't have a needy/difficult DiL who reacts like this either. Smile

nesshitto · 13/04/2015 08:11

This is really annoying me, why are some posters being deliberately obtuse?

Extended family can be lovely. But just because you didn't have it/ love spending every waking moment with your mother/are the champion of granny's rights worldwide, does not mean you can definitively say it's best or lovely for everyone.

My mother couldn't fart without consulting her own mother. They would literally spend hours of each day together and then get on the phone to each other when we left. She built no relationship with her kids. It was neither healthy nor pleasant to live with.

Why on earth are people getting so het up about defending the OP's inlaws & taking it so personally? All you have is her story and how she feels. Rather than help her manage it in a constructive way, people have been ripping her apart. It reminds me of the almighty flip out my mother used to do if you suggested spending half an hour not with granny when I was a child.

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/04/2015 08:17

Except that it's every bloody thing that should be special between parents and children. If DD played sports, you can bet she'd be there at every match.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 08:20

"Why on earth are people getting so het up about defending the OP's inlaws & taking it so personally? All you have is her story and how she feels. Rather than help her manage it in a constructive way, people have been ripping her apart. It reminds me of the almighty flip out my mother used to do if you suggested spending half an hour not with granny when I was a child"

I don't think anyone (except you, apparantly!) is getting het up. But I suspect the reason the OP is not getting a more sympathetic hearing is that we are talking 20 minutes on a Saturday, and the OP is presumably an adult.