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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

355 replies

Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 12:21

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

OP posts:
shirleybassy · 12/04/2015 17:24

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CPtart · 12/04/2015 17:25

YADNBU.
PIL are like this with my nephews, completely over involved in every aspect of their lives, I think they like to pretend they're having a second go at parenting. It was bearable when they were little, but as now 10 and 11 it has become completely stifling and SIL has kindly hinted they need to step back a bit. It wouldn't enter their head that young couples with DC may like to socialise as such without the constant presence of seventy somethings.
They need to find their own hobbies and interests IMO instead of encroaching on your time as a family.

bigTillyMint · 12/04/2015 17:27

Actually, in reality it wouldn't make any difference to me - I have never been an "every week" football mum - DH is the one that goes to everything, I go about once a month. If the weather is niceSmile

I think the problem is more to do with the fact that you just don't really get on with them and feel frustrated that they are living through their GC instead of finding their own things to do. Do they just go to the match and then go home again?

Olbersparadox · 12/04/2015 17:37

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TendonQueen · 12/04/2015 17:37

drruge OP has said twice now that her DS doesn't really notice anyone there other than his mates. Can people RTFT before telling her she hasn't answered questions?

drudgetrudy · 12/04/2015 17:49

Okay-I've seen that now after reading the thread more thoroughly.
Still nice for him that they are interested though.

shirleybassy · 12/04/2015 17:59

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StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 17:59

Can you imagine the conversation?

'I don't want you watching ds every week, would you mind not coming for a few weeks'

Why, we like to watch him and the team play?

Well it's our family time and you're not welcome every time ds plays, to be frank I feel that try you take over and I'm not happy.

You could try that and see what happens, they might get the message.

IvyWall · 12/04/2015 18:11

I must go to the wrong kids football matches shirley. Parents at mine exchange a few pleasantries, but the main focus is watching their children play football.

Extraordinary, I know Grin

bananayellow · 12/04/2015 18:18

You do need to make time to do things without extended family around all the time.

I enjoy time with both of our families and would happily include everybody all the time, but I do appreciate that this isn't good for us as a family of four. We make sure we schedule in some activities just for us as I feel this creates a healthy balance.

Op YANBU.
Parents and inlaws need to be careful to give their grown up children space. Far better to do this and be welcomed, rather than push yourself in and overstay your welcome. Perhaps this is why there is so much mil bashing on here.

I'm fortunate that both sets of parents don't interfere and are sensitive to our needs. Perhaps that's why we have a great relationship and perhaps that's why we actually want them around.

shirleybassy · 12/04/2015 18:23

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigTillyMint · 12/04/2015 18:37

Ivy and Shirley, me too!
All the focus is on the footy (well it is U14's!) and everyone else seems much more knowledgeable than me about the actual footballBlush

CrockedPot · 12/04/2015 18:50

YABU, My ds's grandparents (both sides) couldn't give a shit what my ds are dong every week and they would love the support yours are getting.
Maybe one day you will have grandchildren and will love to see them doing what they enjoy and hope your dc's partners will welcome you there. That would be nice, don't you think?

drudgetrudy · 12/04/2015 18:54

banana-I could understand if PIL then invited themselves back to house and hung around all day -giving OP and her DH no free time but I can't see the harm in them supporting GS in his football match.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 12/04/2015 19:18

Banana, it sounds like you have the best ideal set up. Consideration and kindness should go both ways.

If the op doesn't want her in-laws there every week, they should step back and her DH should support her. I'd rather do one a monthish with lunch than every week.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 12/04/2015 19:28

Oh I would bloody well love it if someone other than DH and me got to stand in the pouring rain watching either ds play

When it was 10 minutes a side and they looked cute, all the grandparents wanted to come.

Now ds1 plays for an u18 team that although allegedly in a london league, has yet to play a match actually in London for the whole of this season and plays a full 90 minutes and no fucker wants to drive for an hour, stand in the rain for 90 minutes and the drive back

And ds2 is more local but still 35 minutes each end.

And they are not cute any more, like they are at 6/7
I can cuss with the best of them but I was shocked at the 1st U18 game I watched

Maybe that's the answer OP- as your Ds gets older and the matches get longer, no one will want to go

RoseWithAThorn · 12/04/2015 19:38

YABU especially expecting your DH not to answer their calls. I wonder who the 'overbearing' one really is? If my DH asked me to ignore calls from my parents he'd be told where to go. I'd never dream of asking him to ignore his parents either.

Floisme · 12/04/2015 20:23

I could understand if PIL then invited themselves back to house and hung around all day -giving OP and her DH no free time but I can't see the harm in them supporting GS in his football match.

Completely agree with this. In fact if you don't get on with your in-laws, this sounds like the perfect way to see them: for a short, finite amount of time at a neutral venue where you don't even have to make conversation!

Scholes34 · 12/04/2015 20:51

They'll soon get bored, once the matches get longer and the weather is colder next season. Not long to the end of this season now and you'll get a break for them.

But do they really come every week? Do they know where the away matches are played?

If they are overbearing inlaws, you need to decide which battles to fight. I don't think this is worth fighting over.

grannytomine · 12/04/2015 22:22

I just have to confess, I was at my GS football match today. I'm sorry, I know it was wrong, but then again his parents were at his brothers game and he needed a lift. I actually fancied a lie in but until they get another car or one of the boys gives up football I think I am destined to spend Sundays watching football. As the mother of three sons I think I have already done my bit but no, here we go again.

I have a horrible feeling that one day I will be a greatgranny getting little boys to football matches.

Can I just mention I hate football.

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 06:26

YANBU unreasonable OP. At least, not on the in-laws muscling in on your friends part. My DM was like this and it got on my nerves..she would pick up & collect my DCs from primary school when they were younger. It was as if I couldn't have a friend at the school without her muscling in, engaging them in long conversations even if I was standing there. Its not that I was jealous - but that I would be cringing re. her wanting to have prolonged conversations. It was just, odd. I didn't mind her attending DCs sporting events so much - what I did mind was, her great need to conversate, and be seen and heard whilst there.

Im probably not putting it across so well but Im gauging how you are feeling...its fine for some to feel YABU but when you're in the position of having the over-involved elders who use your child to be "present" in almost everything you do, then its beyond annoying, and overbearing.

Id feel the same as you I wouldnt mind them coming along but not EVERY week, so its made to feel like an obligation ie informing them of match times events, arranging meet up..sometimes its too much to think about and you just want space in your head to chill and enjoy your own little family event.

I dont know what the answer is though. My situation changed when I became self-employed so then did the school stuff myself. The sticking point is, they are your DHs parents so he could become resentful towards you regarding this..good luck in sorting it out

Becles · 13/04/2015 06:37

@MistressDeeCee

My DM was like this and it got on my nerves..she would pick up & collect my DCs from primary school when they were younger. It was as if I couldn't have a friend at the school without her muscling in, engaging them in long conversations even if I was standing there.

Shock It sounds like you are saying that although your mother got to know people by doing your pick up and drop offs, you think that she should have pretended not to have formed these relationships when you were around or to fade into the background (but be ready to be useful by doing pick up ad drop offs later).

I've probably got hold of the wrong end of the stick, but would be great to have more info.Smile

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 06:46

Becles - no, it wasn't about not wanting DM to form relationships. Simply that she seemed to want to be friends with all my friends not just hello how are you basis..but, way beyond that. My friends aren't her age.

& I didn't need to use my DM for pickups/childcare really - I come from a big family and culturally we all help with each other's children, thats just the way of it. My DM wanted to do it so I didn't mind. If she couldn't do it then any of my brothers or sisters would.

But back to the convo thing..my DCs are grown now - yes I see their friends here & there, they come to the house too..but they're all teens/early 20s although we greet each other and or "hi how are you/hows your parents" or I'll pass on message for their parents via them - I really, really can't imagine in fact cringe at the thought of drawing up a chair and wanting to be over-involved in my DCs mates convo. Its naff. Similarly Im fine with DMs friends but on same basis its hi bye how are you, maybe a couple of jokes then thats it. ive got my own friends I don't need or want to be animatedly chatting as part of their group

I understand some people may view it differently though but we like what we like, don't weSmile

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 06:49

In relation to OPs comments I meant its fine for GPs to come along but not when they're foghorning (when the parents themselves aren't) & wanting to chatter with everybody and be over-involved. Struck a cord with me & I was curious as to whether it was a similar thing.

Mehitabel6 · 13/04/2015 06:53

There is only one question- does your DS like his grandparents being there? I couldn't see why he wouldn't.