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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad with dp for texting instead of dtd?

111 replies

bexlass24 · 12/04/2015 10:47

Am raving but dp says I'm completely out of order. Help needed! Last night for the first time in months dp and I had the house to ourselves. All (teenage) dc's were out overnight for various reasons. We went out for the evening and (anyone with dc's will know how difficult it is to maintain any sort of sex life with a housefull) on coming home we went to bed. Assuming he had the same thoughts as me I turned to look alluringingly at him - only to find him texting! I decided to sleep in one of the kids rooms as I didn't want an argument at that time of night. Thought that in the morning I might feel differently. I didn't. So when he got up it flared up and he said I was being ridiculous. We are now not speaking. AIBU?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 12/04/2015 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 12/04/2015 23:42

Yanbu- am amazed so many people think texting in bed is the norm.

nocoolnamesleft · 12/04/2015 23:59

Um. From what you have said, I'm not at all clear that he even knew that you wished to dtd. If you did, then particularly if he has been having problems with performance, then being rather more tactilely alluring might have been helpful, rather than expecting a look to be enough to excite him. Of course, even if you had been clear you wanted sex, if he didn't then that is his choice. But...if he has been experiencing difficulties then the pressure to perform may well be making him dread trying to dtd, in case he can't.

And, forgive me, but phrasing it as that he has "problems", specifically using inverted commas...you may well not be unsympathetic with him(!), but I'm afraid you're coming across as rather unsympathetic on here. No bloke wants to have problems with dtd, and it is an awful knock to their self confidence. Being out under pressure to perform because you can't miss the chance...better off aiming for sensually tactile time together when the chance presents, then proceeding if he is able to rise to the occasion but counting that as a bonus rather than the aim, is more likely to work...

BitchBags · 13/04/2015 00:05

OP I think you should have sent him a naughty text and then rolled over to go to sleep

ouryve · 13/04/2015 00:14

Are you worried your teen kids will watch and give marks out of 10, or something?

ouryve · 13/04/2015 00:18

Should we "dtd", "dh"?
"wtf"?
Fancy a shag?
Ooh, yes please.

ouryve · 13/04/2015 00:19

And there's no point giving my DH an "alluring look". He's as blind as a bat without his glasses on.

Koalafications · 13/04/2015 00:29

Some of the responses on here are frankly disgusting.

OP, YABU.

If your DH would rather text than have sex then that is his choice as a consenting adult. If he doesn't want to drop what he is doing because of your 'alluring look' that's his choice.

VenusRising · 13/04/2015 00:47

Why won't he go to the doctor?

From a great sex life dwindling to nothing at all, you and he need to talk.
And possibly couples therapy...

Has he high cholesterol/ low testosterone? Has he had a blood test recently? Is he depressed?

Unequal sex drives are a killer in a relationship, and you need to tackle this elephant in the room ASAP before anger and resentment build up and you're getting ready to LTB.

You do sound frustrated and unhappy OP and I feel for you. Sex is essential if it it's essential. Texting in bed and avoiding intimacy not paying attention to your life partner is very rude and no wonder you were angry.

Stropping might not be the best solution, however, hence the suggestion on him visiting the Gp for tests, to check nothing is physically / mentally wrong, and then tak therapy, so you can talk with each other, and air your expectations. Then you'll know where you stand.

meowth · 13/04/2015 14:58

i have a higher libido than my man and when he doesn't want it - he doesn't want it. I don't go in a strop. He does when he's drunk, mind, and there's a housefull.

sometimes, I'd rather text than have sex, and you stropping is probably hurting his problems more than its' helping them. I dress up sexy, too. Sometimes, you literally have to climb on top of them and say "we gon' frick frack!!!!"

other times, tease him throughout the day. constantly. Make him want you.

But, for the love of god, don't strop off if he can't be arsed.

ineedabodytransplant · 13/04/2015 15:25

OP, you say you wanted to DTD but then said you worked on Sunday so it sounds like it would have been a quickie anyway. Hardly orgasm inducing Grin

And if he's at all concerned about 'performing' it makes sense he would divert his attention.

Forgive me, I haven't DTD in 18 years so don't know the current alluring come-ons.

ineedabodytransplant · 13/04/2015 15:26

meowth,

I like the sound of 'we gon' frick frack' Grin

meowth · 13/04/2015 15:51

transplant
"we gon' frick?"
"so we fuckin'?"
"i want ur willy"
just lays on crotch and puts said willy in or on body
"hey babe. I'm horny."

it's really not that hard to tell someone "bone me bab" like it's really not. I don't know if it's because I'm younger, or more comfortable around my DP, or what. but if I want it, I'll tell him, in the most "i really don't care" way or the cutiest way I can. that's just how I am; either it'll happen or it won't. like, saying "we gon frick frack" while you have a full house ain't gonna happen!!

but why is it so hard for people to just communicate and be comfortable around each other? I really don't get it.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 13/04/2015 20:33

What kind of accent do you have, Meowth? Your answer will greatly influence my reading of your posts. Grin

RizzoWasTheBestOne · 13/04/2015 20:50

Hmm, reading between the lines here I'm picking up that the DH's performance issues have become an ever increasing elephant in the room. And this is having a detrimental effect on OP.

But rather than address the issue the DH's behaviour is becoming more avoidant (sending epic texts in bed on date night for e.g.) and this avoidant behaviour is an insult to OP's intelligence and thus frustrating.

Or am I way off the mark?

uglyswan · 13/04/2015 21:29

Oh dear. I came on here for a good old YABU, but some of the responses here have made me go a bit quiet. People, you're not really advocating coercing your partners into having sex, are? I mean, it's fine to be assertive or even a bit aggressive in bed if that's what you're BOTH into but you do realise your partner has a right to say no to sex, even if he is a man? Right? Reassure me here, people!
OP, you know you're BU. You can't throw a massive strop if your guy doesn't want you to jump his bones, that's horrible.

AmyElliotDunne · 13/04/2015 22:14

Well I'm sorry, I don't get what all the hand wringing is about as my DP has never turned down sex, so it hadn't occured to me that he might not want to put down his phone and just get on with it.

Of course I wouldn't force him. I'm not sure that's even physically possible to be fair, it's pretty obvious if he wants to.

As Venus said, texting in bed and not paying attention to your partner is rude. My DP and I have a no tech in bed policy, no TV in the bedroom, phones down when we both get in and no texting or gaming. It has helped us to maintain a very active sex life, which is why I suggested that OP's partner should have taken the hint and put his phone away. Even if he didn't want sex, a chat and cuddle in bed after a nice evening would have been more conducive to a good relationship than being glued to his phone.

Coumarin · 13/04/2015 22:52

sometimes, you literally have to climb on top of them and say "we gon' frick frack!!!!"

Wtf? Grin

Fairenuff · 13/04/2015 22:58

just lays on crotch and puts said willy in or on body

Don't let the small matter of consent get in your way there meowth Hmm

OP what are his 'problems' in that area? That's obviously what this is about.

ApplePaltrow · 13/04/2015 23:39

If the OP went to relationships, they'd still find a way to blame it on her DH, don't worry.

glittertits · 13/04/2015 23:42

So many problems on this website could be easily avoided/solved if the OPs actually talked to their partners. Confused

CactusAnnie · 14/04/2015 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatoPotato · 14/04/2015 01:03

Brummie. In my head Meowth is a brummie. Bab.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 14/04/2015 08:46

I can only read it in an offensively stereotypical "trailer park" accent. Think Joy from My Name Is Earl.

HellKitty · 14/04/2015 08:59

I tried an alluring look once. It scared the shit out of DP.

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