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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy me a car instead of DS

96 replies

GertyD · 12/04/2015 09:58

My 16 year old DS has been missing since Monday. The police located him on Wednesday but said that he didn't want to come home and they could not force him. He was safe and well though.

I have been frantic and sick with worry. He has Aspergers Syndrome, and whilst he is highly functioning, I do worry. Anyway, we went out searching for him yesterday, and used 192.com to get his GF's address and turned up at the house. Her mom answered and confirmed he was there and agreed to let me talk to him on the doorstep. DS told me he didn't want to live at home anymore as he just does not like us a people. His extended family too. He said that while he accepts he had a good enough life - freedom, money, time, attention etc, he just could not stand to be around any of us. We are all irritating to be honest. He has been out there and met better people and would rather be with them
Well, I went ballistic to be honest. I was horrified he could be so cold and awful and selfish. Then the GF's mum said that he was living there now and told me to leave or she would call the police. I refused to leave. Police were called, and I ended up leaveing with a sympathetic police officer but no DS. I had to listen to his GF's mum and the GF giggling about it from the bedroom window.

I have gone from upset, worried and terrified to really fucking angry. DH and I have been saving for three years to get DS driving lessons, a new car and 12 months insurance for his 17th birthday in October. I am currently learning to drive, and don't really have any money for a new car for me. DS knows what we were saving for and has been looking at cars.

AIBU to go to the bank tomorrow and withdraw those savings and get myself a new car instead?

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 12/04/2015 10:01

Is there more background to this? Have you not been getting on with your DS recently?

I don't blame you on the car front!!

fourteen · 12/04/2015 10:03

No not at all - do it!

Positives - he's safe and warm, with friends. He's not in any immediate danger.

All you can do is let him now you're there for him, but take all pressure off.

I would text him apologising for the scene, telling him you're very hurt and you miss him, but leave it at that.

I would then send a weekly text asking him how his week has been and giving him one line about how you all are. Then he knows that you continue to love and think of him and he can't accuse you of abandoning him.

Sorry for what you're going through

magoria · 12/04/2015 10:04

Don't react against DS in anger when he is a young man in the excitement of first romance etc.

Its sounds like his gf/mother are fucking idiots so you don't know how much their influence on him.

Having said that. Why pay for someone else to drive/get car/insurance when you cannot yet?

DS is still very young.

So I would say pay to get yourself sorted first if DS comes home or not.

Sirzy · 12/04/2015 10:04

I think you need to avoid doing anything like that for now and potentially making the situation worse.

Can you arrange some sort of family mediation?

Nolim · 12/04/2015 10:05

Dont make any radical decisions no. Let the dust settle.

Original poster

GertyD · 12/04/2015 10:05

He has had some problems with his GCSE's but we were supporting him with that. We generally have a close, amicable and easy relationship.

This is so out of character, I may as well have been talking to a complete stranger.

We have regular quality time together - just him and me, away from his little brother and stepfather. We talk, we have a real laugh. I am completely bewildered.

OP posts:

YaTalkinToMe · 12/04/2015 10:05

Don't make any decisions now when angry/upset.

AppleAndBlackberry · 12/04/2015 10:06

YANBU for not giving him the car if he's not speaking to you but I wouldn't rush in to anything, he may realise by the end of the week that other people's families are equally annoying!

mountainofdreams · 12/04/2015 10:06

Definitely buy yourself a car. How mean of your ds. One of dps brothers has done similar to your ds and they spent £kkk on private education for him and had previously bought him a car. If he's that ungrateful he will take the car from you and still 'hate' you so don't bother!

fourteen · 12/04/2015 10:06

Was there no build up to this? Do you think it's the influence of the girlfriend and her family?

SquinkiesRule · 12/04/2015 10:07

I think the text is good idea.
I would abandon the idea of him having driving lessons and a car, he isn't acting very "grown up" enough to be let loose on the roads in a car of his own.
If you have no car, use the money saved to buy one, that way when he decides to come home you have a car to pick up him and all his stuff.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 10:07

Get driving yourself first using the fund's you've been saving up.

He'll come round at some point but put yourself first regarding learning to drive.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 12/04/2015 10:08

at the GF and her mother - they sound awful. I would be very upset too in your situation. I think it would be a good idea to get yourself a car ahead of DS - not necessarily out of anger at what's currently going on, but just because why the hell shouldn't you have a car first?!

Original poster

GertyD · 12/04/2015 10:09

I have always avoided learning to drive as I was quite frightened of it to be honest, it is only recently that I got the guts up and I love it. It never occurred to me that I should get myself sorted first, not in a ' oh my precious babies always come first' way, just because he wanted to learn to drive and I thought that would be a really great 17th.

OP posts:

MrsEvadneCake · 12/04/2015 10:09

I'm all for helping your DC as much as possible but I think if you don't have a car/drive then you should be the priority. I think that how you do this though needs to be carefully. It will look like spite otherwise. I would hold on until you have better communication with him/ him home and then offer to help with the first driving lesson or pay the test fee.

HoggleHoggle · 12/04/2015 10:10

Poor you, that sounds awful.

I second pp saying not to make any rash decisions in the car front, it could make things worse. Although I also wouldn't be rushing to buy him a car if he comes home etc. The things he said were very hurtful and I don't think it would send a good message to be so generous in the short term.

I also agree with what a pp said above - text to apologise for getting angry, that you love him, and then keep the lines of communication as open as possible. I suspect he will soon realise what a loving home he has left behind.

Tutt · 12/04/2015 10:12

Sounds to me like he's being encouraged to think this way and you wont be able to change that whilst he has this GF. Is this his first 'relationship'? He could be completely consumed by it ATM and nothing you did, have done or do will break that, time will!... It happens a lot OP, don't beat yourself up over it!
Buy yourself the car and enjoy it.

fourteen · 12/04/2015 10:14

Even if he comes home fairly shortly, I still wouldn't be getting him driving lessons and a car. What he has done is too hurtful to be forgotten just like that.

ThingummyJigg · 12/04/2015 10:15

You can't reward his behaviour with a car and driving lessons. Well, not at the moment.

If he has chosen not to be an active member of your family, he doesn't get to cherry pick the good bits. It's all a bit like that book title - something like 'i hate you all but first can you give me and alex a lift into town'

I think he could well come around in the next 6 months - but in the meantime, put his car money somewhere he can't withdraw it, and keep it on hold for now. I'm sure you weren't about to go out and buy a car today but should this situation continue, maybe the 'better people' he'd prefer to be with, well, they can buy him a car, and you can use the cash for yourself.

But hold tight for now.

Behaviour of the gf and her mother was absolutely deplorable.

An afterthought - what is the car/driving situation with them - do they think he'll be chauffeuring them around in 6 months' time?

magoria · 12/04/2015 10:17

Also if you buy a car there is nothing stopping you from passing it on if he comes back and when he has passed his test or using it for lessons on L plates before.

BrianButterfield · 12/04/2015 10:17

If he wants to opt out of family life on a whim, I don't think it at all unreasonable that he forgo the perks of family life, such as driving lessons and a car.

MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 10:21

If he wants to reject you as his family, then he doesn't get to have a car from the people he has rejected. He wants to be independent? Fine. But that means paying your own way.

Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 10:22

I would absolutely not buy him a car.

To get respect you have to give it and he is certainly treating you all with contempt.

I've got no doubt he will be back with his tail between his legs at some point.

Fairylea · 12/04/2015 10:24

Definitely get yourself the car. I wouldn't even have a second thought about it!

All this seems incredibly out of the blue though with your son seemingly changing almost overnight. You must be in total shock.

Tulipblank · 12/04/2015 10:25

My brother stopped speaking to the entire family a number of years ago. He's reasoning was that he had nothing in common with us, so what was the point in making the effort.

After doing some research on autism/aspergers for another reason recently, I'm convinced that he is on the autistic spectrum (probably aspergers). My mum agrees and we both think if he was 20 years younger he would have had a diagnosis.

It's hard. My mum makes an effort with him, but we all just accept that that's the way he is. The door is always open, but none of us bend over backwards for him. We just let him come to us when he wants to, whilst trying to maintain contact.

It's tough but you will find a way with him that works for you all.

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