Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To buy me a car instead of DS

96 replies

GertyD · 12/04/2015 09:58

My 16 year old DS has been missing since Monday. The police located him on Wednesday but said that he didn't want to come home and they could not force him. He was safe and well though.

I have been frantic and sick with worry. He has Aspergers Syndrome, and whilst he is highly functioning, I do worry. Anyway, we went out searching for him yesterday, and used 192.com to get his GF's address and turned up at the house. Her mom answered and confirmed he was there and agreed to let me talk to him on the doorstep. DS told me he didn't want to live at home anymore as he just does not like us a people. His extended family too. He said that while he accepts he had a good enough life - freedom, money, time, attention etc, he just could not stand to be around any of us. We are all irritating to be honest. He has been out there and met better people and would rather be with them
Well, I went ballistic to be honest. I was horrified he could be so cold and awful and selfish. Then the GF's mum said that he was living there now and told me to leave or she would call the police. I refused to leave. Police were called, and I ended up leaveing with a sympathetic police officer but no DS. I had to listen to his GF's mum and the GF giggling about it from the bedroom window.

I have gone from upset, worried and terrified to really fucking angry. DH and I have been saving for three years to get DS driving lessons, a new car and 12 months insurance for his 17th birthday in October. I am currently learning to drive, and don't really have any money for a new car for me. DS knows what we were saving for and has been looking at cars.

AIBU to go to the bank tomorrow and withdraw those savings and get myself a new car instead?

OP posts:

Tulipblank · 12/04/2015 10:26

Oh, and ywnbu to buy yourself a car.

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 10:28

Okay, obviously you need to let him know that you are there for him, whenever he wants to come back. Living with his girlfriend may not go as easily as he hopes.

Do you think the school would allow you to meet with him there, to talk to him, just to say that?

And in the meantime, I agree. Don't buy him a car. He needs to see there are consequences of his actions.

Icimoi · 12/04/2015 10:35

This is the Asperger's and the girlfriend speaking. He will very quickly find that people everywhere can be irritating and I suspect the mother in particular will grate on him very quickly.

But I agree, he clearly isn't mature enough to have a car. Bear in mind that if you got him one the insurance would be astronomical.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 12/04/2015 10:37

My dneice did this a few days after her 16th birthday, just walked out to live with her boyfriend and left her parents in tears.

He brought her back four months later as she had flu and he couldn't look after her. After a fortnight recovering and being fed properly, being clean and having clean clothes, she opted to move back home.

I agree you should keep open text contact with him, I doubt after a while his gf and her mum will be providing the same level of care he receives at home. I imagine the first time they ask him to chip in with the housework he will decide they aren't such interesting people after all.

Definitely use the car money for you. You deserve it, ds does not, and rewarding him for hurting you so badly isn't going to teach him about consideration for others.

Original poster

GertyD · 12/04/2015 10:39

He has always had GFs. Millions of them. He is very good looking, and he knows it. He has had a different GF every 2-3 weeks, he just dumps one and moves onto the next. Something I have never approved of and often spoken to him about. I don't know why this one has got to him. She certainly isn't the most stunning one he has brought home. There is history though, he was seeing her this time last year and they posted a picture of themselves topless on Snapchat, which another kid uploaded onto FB and it went viral. I had your call the schools, the police (they were 15 so underage), and banned him from seeing her again. I thought she was gone - there have been several girls since then, and now she is back.

OP posts:

GoblinLittleOwl · 12/04/2015 10:39

A terrible situation for you and your behaviour was justified, witness the sympathetic behaviour of the police.
Don't apologise; simply text to say how worried you were and that you are reassured to know that he is safe. It may be his Asperger's making him indifferent to your feelings (the selfish gene) or it may be the influence of his girlfriend. Either way, not your fault.
With regard to driving lessons, you promised them and he will remember that, but I think he should be living at home if you organise them; he may well not be able to cope with instruction.
Seriously, I don't think giving any 17 year old his own car is a good thing, and your son really does not sound responsible enough to own one.
You must consider your own needs first. Present your decision as a consequence of his behaviour, not as a punishment.
Good luck.

Sallyingforth · 12/04/2015 10:41

Use the money for yourself.
Have you checked how much the insurance for your son would cost? His Asperger's may or may not affect his ability to drive safely but you will need to declare it.

championnibbler · 12/04/2015 10:42

Buy that car for yourself.
he sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse, and believe me, life will deliver that to him sooner or later.
get on with your own life and let him go.
his 'new family' will get sick of his hurtful ways.
in fact, he could come slinking back to you at some point anyway, when he gets sick of them and when they cop on that they don't have to take his bullshit.

magoria · 12/04/2015 10:42

Is she the first/only one he has had sex with?

That would be an influence.

Original poster

GertyD · 12/04/2015 10:47

He has been sexuality active since he was 14. I never ever approved, was careful not to go mad when I found out, read the boards on here and tried to be advisory, trusting and diplomatic, all the while hiding sheer horror.

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 10:49

Well, if you'd banned him from seeing her it does explain (though not excuse) why the girlfriend and the mother weren't supportive when you showed up.

This sounds just awful and has sent a cold chill down my spine.

I'm only going to say what I, personally, would do.

I would put the money into a high interest savings account. Learning to drive is a brilliant present and you should be proud you've saved like that for him. I can completely understand 'sod him!' but the issue is things like that can become a sort of ace card up the sleeve for both parties years later - a sort of 'well YOU walked out and said you hated us' - 'yes but YOU spent my money on you' - I'd want to avoid that. I think if you can, and I accept it won't be easy, keep the door open.

I would absolutely put the money aside for you to learn to drive too :)

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 10:50

i dont think you should.
You could stop saving for him as of now.
start saving for yourself.
but i dont think you could live with yourself if you took the money you had earmarked for him well I know I couldnt

Original poster

GertyD · 12/04/2015 10:56

I just keep replaying the whole thing. Sunday night we were away, and he had the house to himself. I suggested he have friends over and got them some pizzas delivered and left them a couple of beers, and then they went our as soon as we got back Monday morning, and now we are at this.

I really don't want him to ever treat anyone like this again. I want him to realise there are serious consequences, and yes, I want to get him where I think he will remember.

Horrid bugger.

OP posts:

momtothree · 12/04/2015 10:57

Whos paying his up keep at GF? I hope not u!!!

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 10:58

But he won't, Gerty - that's the Aspergers. My brother was the same and honestly, it's so difficult but a combination of Aspergers and adolescence is driving this.

He will remember, but not in the way you hope he will - it will translate your love into something conditional, something that can be shrugged off or on at a whim. That isn't the case but that's how it looks on the outside and it will just make him feel justified in his actions.

Original poster

GertyD · 12/04/2015 11:03

I am not paying any keep. If she wants him paid for, she can send him home.

Thank you for great responses. Got to take youngest DS swimming now, so will check in later.

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 11:07

Absolutely buy yourself the car! Even if he does misinterpret that's his loss. He's decided to reject all that you are and all the love you have given him; I would make sure he knows the door is always open but I would definitely start to put yourself first.

He opts out of family life he also opts out of the gift. Who ever said that is 'his' money - it's not. OP has no duty or obligation to spend it on him whatsoever and to do so would reinforce his belief that he can trample at will on others feelings.

PurpleSwift · 12/04/2015 11:08

Tbh I think it's crazy to be saving for a car for him when you can't afford one for yourself, so yes, buy yourself a car. He'll be home with his tail between his legs soon enough

momtothree · 12/04/2015 11:08

Glad your not paying - teen mouth to feed wash and clothe - hope he gets a job -

Mitzi50 · 12/04/2015 11:13

I want to get him where I think he'll remember

I think this is counterproductive and will play right into his GF and her mother's hands. You are obviously not going to get any support there.

Don't do anything hastily in hurt and anger. Leave the money where it is until you see what happens. He could be home next week and you might regret your decision - I would stop adding to it and start saving for yourself though.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/04/2015 11:14

How sad for you, and I totally understand your emotions, my dd 8 has HFA too, we are unsure as any what life could hold. Write him a letter to let him know you are there for him, and just give him some space now. Yes the girlfriend and her mother sound bloody awful, mabey they are poisoning him against you, they could be behind him going missing. Sod that for a game of soldiers, you use that money for yourself and your driving lessons and car.

Sallyingforth · 12/04/2015 11:15

Here's the official policy on driving with Aspergers:
www.gov.uk/asperger-and-driving

This only covers the driving licence. You still have to find an insurance company to take on the risk, and even 'normal' (sorry to use that word) 17 year olds can expect to pay thousands for a first policy.

riverboat1 · 12/04/2015 11:15

I would hold off making any decisions re: that money for now. You say this is totally out of the blue given your past relationship with him, and it's only been a week.

Of course you mustn't buy him a car if he sticks to what he is saying about his dislike and lack of respect for you. But don't rush out next week to buy one for yourself either. Bide your time for a bit and see how the situation develops.

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 11:23

'Even 17 year olds without Aspergers' does it sallying

championnibbler · 12/04/2015 11:24

very glad to see you're not funding his new living situation.
he's opted out of your life, therefore he must fend for himself.
you wait and see - he's in for a shock.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread