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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy me a car instead of DS

96 replies

GertyD · 12/04/2015 09:58

My 16 year old DS has been missing since Monday. The police located him on Wednesday but said that he didn't want to come home and they could not force him. He was safe and well though.

I have been frantic and sick with worry. He has Aspergers Syndrome, and whilst he is highly functioning, I do worry. Anyway, we went out searching for him yesterday, and used 192.com to get his GF's address and turned up at the house. Her mom answered and confirmed he was there and agreed to let me talk to him on the doorstep. DS told me he didn't want to live at home anymore as he just does not like us a people. His extended family too. He said that while he accepts he had a good enough life - freedom, money, time, attention etc, he just could not stand to be around any of us. We are all irritating to be honest. He has been out there and met better people and would rather be with them Shock
Well, I went ballistic to be honest. I was horrified he could be so cold and awful and selfish. Then the GF's mum said that he was living there now and told me to leave or she would call the police. I refused to leave. Police were called, and I ended up leaveing with a sympathetic police officer but no DS. I had to listen to his GF's mum and the GF giggling about it from the bedroom window.

I have gone from upset, worried and terrified to really fucking angry. DH and I have been saving for three years to get DS driving lessons, a new car and 12 months insurance for his 17th birthday in October. I am currently learning to drive, and don't really have any money for a new car for me. DS knows what we were saving for and has been looking at cars.

AIBU to go to the bank tomorrow and withdraw those savings and get myself a new car instead?

OP posts:
kimistayingalive · 12/04/2015 23:49

Why does he need a car at 17 anyway. There's still public transport. If he's at home maybe you could arrange to have him put on the insurance of a car you or DP have if he proves himself responsible as opposed to a car for himself. And work from there.
I would think if my son walked out with no answer to where he has gone then I found out he was planning on staying wherever then he certainly thinks himself responsible enough to take care of himself and that's what he can do. Although if he sees the mistakes my door will be open but I would expect apologies and him to show he understands what he did wrong.

Original poster
GertyD · 13/04/2015 09:31

I think now we just wait. He is supposed to go to school tomorrow. All his uniform is at home, and he told the policeman he was intending on returning.

OP posts:
Rosa · 13/04/2015 09:37

Agree - forget the car and lessons until he is back and living by your rules. He could always share your car possibly if he deserves it. You are being very good about keeping the door open etc He can't have the best of both worlds

merrymouse · 13/04/2015 09:39

I think having a black and white view of things in the moment and having difficulty coping with tense situations are both symptoms of ASD.

I would give him space and a clear and easy route back home.

Stripyhoglets · 13/04/2015 10:21

The mum may try and claim his child benefit if he is saying he is living there. I don't know how likely she is to succeed but just to warn you really, she may even try and claim child support if this carries on so I would hang onto the car money just in case. I wouldn't be buying him a car at any stage though after this stunt that he has pulled.

tumbletumble · 13/04/2015 11:59

Fingers crossed for you, OP.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 12:06

All the other stuff aside ( poor you !), I would still buy myself a car first and if that was the only one I could afford, so be it

17yo's do not trump their parents in this respect

steff13 · 13/04/2015 14:17

I wouldn't buy a 17-year-old a car when I didn't have one, regardless of his behavior. And certainly not a new car - a teenager should have a beater to drive, not a new car.

Original poster
GertyD · 13/04/2015 18:25

Sorry, when I say new car, I mean new to him car. Think pre 1998.

So he has asked to come and get his belongings today. Waiting for him now.

If the GF's mother even dares claim child support, she can take me through the courts.

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 13/04/2015 18:34

So he's going back to hers after picking up his stuff? Sorry OP Sad

Fauxlivia · 14/04/2015 21:24

I'm horrified that the police wont make him come home. He's still a child and until he is 18 it should be upto you where he lives. Would social services not intervene (sorry, have had no dealings with them so don't know)?

I would keep some of the money back to pay for lessons, should he see sense and come home full of apologies but I would definitely spend some of it on my own lessons and car. He should have consequences for behaving like this.

Mitzi50 · 14/04/2015 21:29

SS would not be interested faux - he is over 16, he would not be considered vulnerable and he is safe as far as they are concerned.

Original poster
GertyD · 15/04/2015 08:36

I know the authority here is going into special measures. 16 year old are really not a priority for them.

I spoke to the school yesterday and they say I retain all parental responsibility. DS abd they are not able to make any decisions in regards to his education at least without my permission.

They are speaking to him, as he has turned up. The school counselling service is going to try, the Educational Welfare team are being contacted, and they are offering mediation so DS and I can talk this through.

I haven't bought a car yet though.

OP posts:
Fauxlivia · 15/04/2015 08:44

I am glad to hear that the school are trying to help.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2015 12:29

It is good that the school are trying to help you.

reni1 · 15/04/2015 12:39

I think apart from the hurt he caused he has demonstrated that he is not mature and cannot be trusted. Trust is a huge issue for someone so young in his own car. I would revisit and look if he has matured enough aged 25 and use the funds for yourself for now.

hidingfromthem · 15/04/2015 12:46

i agree with reni. i know he has some special needs but he does sounds horribly selfish, to be honest.
from what i've read here, i could see him writing off any car you get him too.
he doesn't deserve anything from you for the time being.
maybe he'll improve in the future.

chickenfuckingpox · 15/04/2015 13:00

your still liable if he decided not to go to school its you that would get taken to court and potentially put in prison for it i dont get the whole he can live where he wants shite sorry YOU are legally responsible for him he should live with YOU

dont buy him a car make him work for it instead i dont care if he thinks your saving up for one its your wages it comes from your working for it he can stuff it you come first

Quitelikely · 15/04/2015 13:12

If he is living there she is going to need the LA to complete a private fostering assessment.

You can inform the LA of this if you wish and they will contact her.

Original poster
GertyD · 15/04/2015 16:25

In regards to school, I know I remain responsible if he doesn't go. They text me this morning to say he was late and would face a sanction. It is so grey. He can run off, get married in Gretna Green, do what he wants and yet I get the very serious, and potential criminal consequences if he doesn't go to school Angry

However, the school are working with us, and liaising with me constantly about him, do that is good.

OP posts:
ragged · 15/04/2015 17:25

It's hard for you to get fined for a DC being truant (Sadly I can testify). And you only have about 6 weeks to go that matter.

Can me a fat cow, I'd have his stuff packed & on doorstep waiting for him.

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