To buy me a car instead of DS

[GertyD]

My 16 year old DS has been missing since Monday. The police located him on Wednesday but said that he didn't want to come home and they could not force him. He was safe and well though.

I have been frantic and sick with worry. He has Aspergers Syndrome, and whilst he is highly functioning, I do worry. Anyway, we went out searching for him yesterday, and used 192.com to get his GF's address and turned up at the house. Her mom answered and confirmed he was there and agreed to let me talk to him on the doorstep. DS told me he didn't want to live at home anymore as he just does not like us a people. His extended family too. He said that while he accepts he had a good enough life - freedom, money, time, attention etc, he just could not stand to be around any of us. We are all irritating to be honest. He has been out there and met better people and would rather be with them
Well, I went ballistic to be honest. I was horrified he could be so cold and awful and selfish. Then the GF's mum said that he was living there now and told me to leave or she would call the police. I refused to leave. Police were called, and I ended up leaveing with a sympathetic police officer but no DS. I had to listen to his GF's mum and the GF giggling about it from the bedroom window.

I have gone from upset, worried and terrified to really fucking angry. DH and I have been saving for three years to get DS driving lessons, a new car and 12 months insurance for his 17th birthday in October. I am currently learning to drive, and don't really have any money for a new car for me. DS knows what we were saving for and has been looking at cars.

AIBU to go to the bank tomorrow and withdraw those savings and get myself a new car instead?

Thank you Marmalade. I knew that sounded wrong as I wrote it.

Sort yourself out first. He's made his choice for now, at least. He can't expect to cut contact with you and still have his privileges.

We got DP's D (no extra D from me these days) lessons and a car that cost 20x what mine did. How has she repaid us? Slinging abuse at me and smugly telling me how much more important she is (completely missing the point that the whole thing was my idea.)

Children earn rewards IMO.

Provide no funding for his choices, let him know you are there, and the door is always open to come back. Girlfriends mother will soon get fed up funding another person in the house, extra food, electricity etc he will come home once he realises the consequences of his decisions. You sound like great parents btw.

GertyD, I wouldn't even be thinking about cars right now. My big question would be - what's in it for his GF and his GF's mum? Why are THEY doing this?

I am assuming both are about to take GCSE? It is worrying!! Whilst I would consider helping a teen though this I definitely wouldnt agree to them moving in for more than a few days for things to calm down. Very sad.

I'd be more worried about the gf getting pregnant tbh. It doesn't sound like the mother would care, given she's letting her have a live in boyfriend at that age.

Your son also sounds very indulged. You buy him alcohol at 16 (is that even legal?) and want to buy him a car. Why on earth does he deserve that? Tell him to get a job and buy a car like everyone else.

I had the same thought re getting pregnant. Shame his life will be really difficult....

the last thing you or any of us need is him on the road. Never buy him a car. No child should be bought all that.

this kick in the teeth is a wake up call, Aspergers or not. He's got enough problems shagging his way round the locality.

shame on the local girls too for being used like this.

Definitely get the car for yourself, OP.

I have HFA and have been known to behave in a similar way to your son in that I get REALLY irritated by people and get into flight or fight mode and have to basically run away/walk out of the pub/go off on my own to get away from them. The school holidays used to be absolute torture because of this (and still are tbh although I cope much better now that I am an adult and recognise that it is ME not THEM) as I found my family so insanely annoying (they probably weren't really annoying btw, it was just that my sensory receptors are basically fucked and normal stuff like breathing etc would just really get to me) and being in close quarters for weeks on end just brought it to a head so I'd regularly stomp off to friends' houses or whatever. However, although I can sort of understand how your son might feel, I still think he's treated you abysmally by not telling you where he was going and being so cold when you went to see him and am appalled by his horrible girlfriend and her mother.

I also think that in his shoes I would have mentally written the car etc off and definitely not have assumed that they would still be forthcoming so wouldn't have freaked out or held it against you if the money was spent elsewhere. I'm not him though obviously but as another Aspie with past form for dramatically renouncing 'annoying' family members as a teenager, that would have been my attitude to any presents etc that were coming up.

I'm also wondering what his girlfriend and her mother are getting out of this, especially so close to GCSE time. Do they think that you're going to be supporting him? Most (not all though!) sixteen year old boys that I have ever known have eaten like horses for a start and aren't exactly into cleaning up after themselves either. I don't expect this arrangement is going to last all that long tbh.

Hope you are alright, OP. It must be horrible for you.

It must be awful for you

Buy yourself the car. As others have said you could give it to him much later if his attitude improves a lot
He's about to learn that you can't expect people (parents or not) to do you huge favours if you are rude, disrespectful and - frankly - cruel. It'll all go wrong when he's expected to chip in to his new household and then he'll find there's no such thing as a free ride, or the perfect family.
I agree with others that you should let him know that he's loved, but that doesn't mean he can behave how he likes and continue to expect you to act as some kind of cashpoint.

Good luck with the lessons.

(Apologies if I have said anything awful or terribly offensive. I don't usually comment on AIBU threads as I often phrase things really badly due to the Aspergers and worry about upsetting people, but I wanted to say something here just in case it might help a bit.)

I think yours was a great post, MmeGuillotine. I agree with your distinction between finding your family annoying (normal) and taking off without telling anyone (completely unacceptable). You must have been going crazy with worry, Gerty.

Sorry posted too soon!

Surely your DS doesn't expect you to buy him a car in the current circumstances? However I agree with those saying don't do anything rash. Wait till the dust settled a bit before making any big decisions.

Aussie, I don't indulge him. He had a job that he quit this week. The alcohol was four stubbies (small beers) at 2.6 percent.

MmeGuillotine, that is really interesting and a great perspective. Bit depressing for me as his mum though. It is really hard trying to do the right thing and take his Aspergers into account.

I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to upset you. I actually felt really guilty when I read your original post as I must have been a total nightmare to my family when I was a teenager and used to do stuff like that (although I'd always say that I was going and where I would be) all the time and it must have been so worrying for them. I dread to think what sort of Mumsnet posts they would have written about me in my heyday!

However, I'd quickly I'd forget how annoying they all were and be completely annoyed by the people that I was staying with, who always had horrible (to me) new quirks to get used to, so I'd be home again in under a week generally. Plus once I was back at school, things would be fine again as I was spending less time at home anyway. Is your son due back at school next week?

The main thing is though that although I still get the urges now to just take off and run off screaming because my husband has a nose whistle or one of my children is currently sitting next to me on the sofa chewing HIS TOENAILS FFS, I have grown up and don't usually behave like a dick to people who love me any more. I think that for me this sort of careless shitty behaviour really peaked at about seventeen but I was actually a pretty reasonable human being by the time teenage hormones had settled down (and I think that the combination of teenage grumpiness and Aspergers bluntness can be a pretty grim one) and knew not to do stuff like that.

Honestly though, I would have loved to have a mum like you when I was growing up. I was always being told that I couldn't do anything (they wouldn't have dreamed of funding driving lessons for me for example) and would amount to nothing because I was stupid and 'weird' and different whereas you sound really great and supportive and involved. I bet he knows deep down how lucky he is really and a couple of days with the shrieking harridans will probably reinforce this.

When the GF and her mother were giggling from the bedroom window, I thought to myself that he would hate that. It would irritate the hell out of him, so maybe you are right.

Yeah, I bet he's already giving them both serious side eye while plotting his escape back home. They sound AWFUL.

I really hope he's back soon, OP.

Very good posts MmeG it is good to have your perspective on it. Op it is not you, have done nothing wrong, its part of your ds Autism. I am sure as MmG has said, he will soon want to come back home, life on the other side is not all as it seems. I am sure the mother will get tired of having to pay for anther person in the house, my 3 year old ds already raids the fridge, so at 16 . The coldness that he showed you, would be part of his Autism, the inability to feel empathy or show emotions. Living with somebody with Autism can be challenging, I am sure they will get tired of it, and it will become no longer a novelty to them.

I have this to come with dd, she still very young. I am sure she finds us an absolute nightmare, she does not like her little brother disrupting her world.

I would buy myself a car personally. I paid for my own lessons, my own car, tax & insurance after I left home and so should your son if he no longer lives with you.

You should buy yourself the car, OP. Apart from anything else, you actually need it. Your can consider how to support your DS in learning to drive if and when a later opportunity arises.

I have a friend who has two teenagers with very HFA and what I would say is that she has always reminded them that their autism alone isn't some sort of "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. In other words, they are capable of taking some responsibility for how they behave (and accept the consequences) even if the world is a very frustrating place to inhabit at times.

You sound like a lovely, supportive mother to your ds. I have no doubt that he'll soon realise that the grass is far from green at his gf's house and come home. That said, there's no reason why he should be rewarded by getting the car that you actually have more need of for yourself.

Play the long game. Leave the door open and let him learn his own lessons. I wouldn't spend the money quite yet because a lot can happen in six months and I would want to know I had options come his 17th.