To be cheesed off with what I heard at the park?

[Glitterball86]

So took my nephew to the park today he was happily playing by himself and with the other children.

A little boy came over to him and both children were happily playing when the little boy's mum came rushing over and announced in a really loud and condescending manner 'this is Fred (name changed) he has autism and he finds it very difficult to play nicely with other children'

Was there really any need?

What does this teach other children about disabilities?

I was so shocked I wasn't able to string together a coherent sentence to describe the shock I was feeling :/

My DS has Asperger's Syndrome. I completely understand 'Fred's' mother approaching the OP like that. My son is really likes making friends in playgrounds but he is also unpredictable. I try to hover so that I am within swooping distance just in case he bashes another child, but I'm not always successful and I have been shouted at by other mothers in public. It is a really horrible experience and it makes me feel humiliated and powerless.

Since then I have been much more proactive, which helps understanding and makes me feel a hell of a lot better. I get a lot of understanding from other people when I explain my son's condition. I don't think I stigmatise him, I am open and honest and all I want in return is some understanding and some human feeling. It also explains why I am hovering and looking anxious all the bloody time.

The National Autistic Society even sell these cards:

www.autism.org.uk/products/core-nas-publications/asperger-cards.aspx

I have often thought I should get some.

I am on edge the whole time if my child is in a new situation or meeting new children. I want him to enjoy himself and to keep learning how to handle social relationships, but it is always a worry that he will be overwhelmed by some very small, unpredictable thing, and lash out at another child. I end up apologising all over the place and being very proactive about 'confessing' to other parents and making sure he says sorry etc, and even then those other parents can be incredibly nasty. I had one woman scream 'He's NOT NORMAL!' at me, after DS had pushed her little girl. The little girl was totally fine and unhurt and unbothered, and I was on the scene immediately, but the mother still found it in her heart to shout at me. I have wept behind trees before.

Have a heart for this woman OP. And me. And all of the rest of us!

Perhaps she's faced judgement in the past because people have just thought was a naughty child, so she wAs in her own way saying, Well actually, no he's not naughty. He has a condition.

As the mother of a five yr old son with autism and learning difficulties maybe the mother just wanted to warn you as she is fed up on being judged by her sons behaviour my son gets frustrated easily doesn't really play with other kids can't speak but still we get judged so yes I normally say he has autism to explain but I guess I would still be judged by you .I can't win!

That is very true. The you can't win. Families living with children with autism try to get their children accessing as much as possible and a lot of the time the barriers are lack of understanding and other people. I think most who read this will have worked out that I work with families and children living with autism as a part of my job. I have the utmost respect for their struggle where they are having one. I am the one in the supermarket who will catch your eye and smile at you if I see you have been unfairly treated or spoken to. There are hundreds of us take strength from that. In an extreme case I might be tempted to offer to help but realise a stranger in a situation is not the answer. If you tell me something like the mum did I will talk to you if you wish me to. Lots of us get it, more of us need to.

We use the term "asc" too. Ds is 12, diagnosed at 8.
It's a learning curve.
Have found most people very accommodating and understanding.

Everyone who has a child with asc has their own way of handling things.
Just as no two children on the spectrum are the same.

There was obviously a reason she said/did this.

You can't judge someone until you've walked a day in their shoes.

Good points Frusso.

Surely it can't be good for a child to (repeatedly?) hear their mum saying they can't play nicely with other kids?

So if a child sat next to your nephew and the mum said, this is Jack, he is profoundly deaf and can only sign would you be shocked? Or would you accept that the parent is telling you about a hidden disability which means the child will not intersect with your nephew as you'd expect them to?

Got it? Autism is basically the same sort of principal. You can't see it but it will affect how this child intersects socially.

Yabu. I know many children with disabilities. I have explained to my children what SEN and autism are. I have told them about sensory processing disorder (some kids cannot cope with certain noises) and what feeding tubes are for and a whole host of other things. They react accordingly and are tolerant of outbursts, meltdowns etc and understand some kids don't want to talk much.

Disabilities should not be ignored or hidden away. Neither should people with disabilities be babied, they aren't stupid. But we have to learn so we understand their different ways of viewing the world and to find a way of communicating and socialising that is inclusive.

You only have to read the recent AIBU thread asking 'is MN quite hostile to children and parents at the moment' to see some fabulous examples of self righteous, sanctimonious perfect parents who feel completely entitled to pass judgment on what they consider to be 'Brattish behaviour!' and 'Parents not doing their job!'.

This Mum has probably had a gutful of the tuts and shaken heads as her son does something which apparently is filed under the heading of 'Brat', 'Unpleasant' or 'Spoilt' by other parents. So she pre-empts this by pointing out he has a diagnosis of autism, just in case an incident occurs which isn't understood as child becoming overwhelmed, etc.

I am surprised that you a qualified early years worker OP and you didn't understand this, or that you feel all children should be treated the same regardless of additional needs...

Let's fuck off with the fucking 'label' comments. What does it even mean? She wasn't labelling him she was telling you he has autism and may not interact in a way you might expect of a child his age. Big deal get over yourself

As PP say, hidden disability is not a "label" - it's something the child finds challenging but you cannot see.
Therefore it makes complete sense for the parent or supervising adult to spell this out to other parents and adults.

I am also shocked at the OP being early years trained and not knowing this. Admittedly I last worked early years 99-2001 but differentiation and autism awareness definitely existed back then!

YABU. Definitely.

I find it sad that you would have to post that on MN.

Well Ott OP.

There are a fair few threads about autism in children here on MN at the moment. They feel sly and as though they're digging at those with autism without being too obvious about it. It's actually beginning to get right on my TITS!

Autism isn't a label

Autism is not a label, it is a diagnosis! Same as Asthma, Cancer, ADHD, measles, broken limbs! A DIAGNOSIS, made by a Doctor!

If anyone does not agree with it, go through the wards of your local hospital and tell the doctors which of the other diagnoses they have made that you don't agree with!

The thing sometimes a disabled child has to be treated differently according to their needs my son for example has no awareness of danger so I have to treat him differently to a NT five year old to keep him safe.

MrsDeVere she's not a professional.

She claims that she used to work in a related field (ie with kids so likely to work with a child on the spectrum at some point).
Though she seems to have little awareness for someone in such a field.

...I used to work in early years.

Now teenagers.

But I wouldn't describe myself as a professional or specialist in other people's SN ... especially strangers I meet in the park!

I would not have known any different if she had not said typically because her son was quite happy playing nicely with my nephew

Maybe she was saying it in the context of being pleased that Fred was playing so nicely when it's usually something he has difficulty with due to his autism.

Also, I'm a recently trained EYP ad if you treat all hidden the same then you'd exclude many of them from whatever activity it is you're doing. There's 'treating everyone exactly the same' and then there's 'inclusion', they are not the same thing.

Poppyfield

i made cards, explaining very simply that Ds has no speech and sometimes finds everyday sounds etc frightening and overwhelming (he isn't autistic). I started a thread on here about it and received a mixed reaction (a bit of an understatement!) as to whether it was a good idea. I have only used them twice, but found it useful on those occasions.