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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cheesed off with what I heard at the park?

126 replies

Glitterball86 · 10/04/2015 14:28

So took my nephew to the park today he was happily playing by himself and with the other children.

A little boy came over to him and both children were happily playing when the little boy's mum came rushing over and announced in a really loud and condescending manner 'this is Fred (name changed) he has autism and he finds it very difficult to play nicely with other children'

Was there really any need?

What does this teach other children about disabilities?

I was so shocked I wasn't able to string together a coherent sentence to describe the shock I was feeling :/

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/04/2015 15:49

Oops sorry justonemoretime2p

That information has cranked it up a level Shock

My flabber has never been so ghasted as it is right now.

MrsFlannel · 10/04/2015 15:50

Really? You couldn't string a sentence together because a Mother has a coping mechanism for her disabled child??

Confused

YOU are being unreasonable. The child has probably encountered not so nice children or adults in the past and this is her way of helping people make allowances.

YABU YABU YABU

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 10/04/2015 15:51

My DF is still very shaken up by the fact her DS got physically bullied and hurt last week. That's exactly the sort of thing I could see her doing at the moment, because she is in pain and desperately trying to protect her child from more hurt.

I'm shocked at your lack of empathy, tbh.

Although I can still string a sentence together, so maybe not that shocked

enterthedragon · 10/04/2015 15:52

A label is something you attach to your luggage prior to going on holiday.

A diagnosis is given after tests or assessments. In the case of autism spectrum disorders/conditions it can take years to get a diagnosis, and that is what it is a diagnosis not a label.

BTW yabu.

enterthedragon · 10/04/2015 15:58

Oh and in answer to your questions, yes sometimes there is a need and it helps to teach children that disabilities are not always so apparent that you can see them a mile off.

HTH

WanderingTrolley1 · 10/04/2015 16:02

Yabu.

She's probably had some difficult experiences with Fred and fears more of the same.

Would you rather wait until Fred lashes out before she removed him?!

derxa · 10/04/2015 16:07

YABVU That poor mum was just trying to pre-empt possible difficulties. I have so much respect for any parent with children with an ASD.

hazeyjane · 10/04/2015 16:11

Wow I'm a bit stunned by this thread (ok not really stunned, just joining in with the hyperbole)

I was in a park with my ds the other day, and mentioned to one mum that ds was disabled, I was preempting the fact that her dd was the same age as my son, and chattering away, and ds can't speak, so we sign, I suppose it seemed a good idea to just explain things in a simple way. The thing is that being disabled isn't negative, I would rather let people know that there is a reason why ds isn't speaking to them or might start getting screechy with their child.

I just felt like she was trying to make a point that her child had a disability and should be labeled.

pfffffft.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 10/04/2015 16:15

I think she was just trying to do the best by her child. What we're all trying to do really. I would've just thought 'oh ok' and it's unlikely it would've registered with either of my two. They would've just carried on playing with him.

AshrosIe · 10/04/2015 16:16

Yabu - try and put yourself in her shoes and imagine why she said that.
I know I've said similar in my time. I'd much rather never have had to, believe me.

Astonishingly ignorant op. Hmm

CitySnicker · 12/04/2015 13:13

Don't know why my comment was reported. Autistic traits can run through generations. Her son was maybe Aspergers and perhaps she came over as direct and abrupt as she has traits too.

hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 13:17

YABU. She can describe her child however she pleases. She knows him. You don't.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/04/2015 13:18

Yabvu.

Fairylea · 12/04/2015 13:20

This thread makes me a bit sad to be honest.

I've got a 3 year old ds who is undergoing tests for autism. He has some very odd behaviours and quite often if we are doing something that might be difficult for him (mostly things like getting shoes fitted or needing a hair cut) then I tend to tell people upfront. Generally people are really nice and they have responded very positively and with more understanding and patience than perhaps they might have done. It also helps with some of the more judgey parents who tend to stare at me like I'm the worst parent in the world if ds starts to have a meltdown.

I don't see the issue with what she said. It just makes me feel sad that whatever we seem to do as parents of children that need some extra help that others perceive it to be wrong.

MrsFlannel · 12/04/2015 15:43

Fairy there is NO issue with what your approach is. Ignore anyone who says there is. NOBODY can tell you, as the parent of a child who is struggling socially what the "right" approach is because there is only YOUR approach. Flowers

I announced to an entire aquarium that my charge was autistic a month or so ago....he was very unhappy with queuing and behaving quite badly so I said "I am so sorry...X is autistic and can't cope well with queues but he loves fish...so we're suffering." and smiled...and you know what happened?

Everyone...yes the whole queue said "Oh let him go first!" they all motioned him to the front...he's 5....why wouldn't they? He was quiet...peace was restored.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/04/2015 16:22

It's a shame parents need to do it imho. I know several parents who do this to save a lot of hassle. People can be so intolerant and impatient.
Its a preemptive strike she felt she needed to make, to protect her child I guess.

Birdsgottafly · 12/04/2015 16:28

I still explain, sensitively, to Hairdressers/Beauticians etc that my DD (17) has S&L issues and Autism, that's why she isn't fully responding/ making eye contact, rather than being rude.

After being judged massively about my eldest's behaviour and her often being isolated, it was best that I was open about her having ADHD and SNs.

It definitely stopped the parenting advice, prompted because they didn't understand why I adopted the strategies that I did.

It isn't applying a label, at all.

WipsGlitter · 12/04/2015 16:35

I have a child with LD. I prefer to tell people than have them look askance at him when he can't join in or whatever.

You sound a bit silly tbh.

Andanotherthing123 · 12/04/2015 16:35

I explain. It helps people understand why ds is trying to kick me or about to push a small innocent looking toddler over because they've stood too close to him. I will have a listen to myself next time to check I'm not doing it in a loud and condescending manner. I think though I just sound strained and sad.

Satsumafairy · 12/04/2015 16:44

I'm so surprised that you can't see why this mum said this! It's obvious! Clearly she thought it would be helpful and pre empt any future difficulties that might occur between the two boys. What on earth is surprising about that. I sometimes have problems with my speech so I text ahead to the person I'm meeting to let them know my speech is bad today. They are then predisposed to being understanding and that helps our meeting move along more smoothly.

UnsolvedMystery · 12/04/2015 16:49

Maybe I was a bit harsh in my original post but I just felt like she was trying to make a point that her child had a disability and should be labeled.
She didn't stick a label on him. He has a diagnosis that she tried to explain to you.
I can't imagine how your horrified reaction would have made her feel.

I am a qualified EYP but have been out of an early years setting for a while now I just don't think just because a child has a disability they should be treated any differently or labeled.
Then I really suggest that you need more training!
You have a really negative view of "labels", which actually just means diagnosis, and very often children do need treating differently.

Shockers · 12/04/2015 16:54

I used to fantasise about designing a t-shirt for DD to wear when we went to the park, with something like, 'My brain works a little differently to yours... please don't judge me harshly.'

I completely understand why this mum might have felt the need to step in with an explanation before , rather than after any incident that might need that explanation.

RufusTheReindeer · 12/04/2015 16:55

The poor woman can't do right for doing wrong can she?

YABU

Nettymaniaa · 12/04/2015 17:01

Total respect to parents with children who have autism. I might seem like a not great way to speak about her child but you never know what experiences she may have had over the holiday or in the past few days or hours. And being in public places with other families does not always play out well. I suspect she was just trying to get by. I have seen situations where bystanders have said things that don't help and are hurtful. OP doesn't sound like she would at all but the mum wouldn't know that.

Nettymaniaa · 12/04/2015 17:15

Btw I dont think the mum did anything awful. Just being clear.

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