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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for walking out of DMs house over this

111 replies

FinallyWakingUp · 09/04/2015 17:11

I am a size 10/12 and have what I would say was a fairly proportionate figure. When I put on any weight however, it immediately shows on my gut. Its the way my body is, when I was a very slim teenager I still had this slightly rounded belly, it just is that way. When Ive been more active and paid more attention to diet and exercise it has improved, but remains a sticking problem re weight.
Anyway, this is and always has been the bane of my Dm's life. Looking me up and down when we're talking for example, eyes always focusing on my middle. Comparing me to my friends, even. "Isnt it a shame you havent got her slim figure" etc. She has made me crumble inside with just a few words over this at times. Telling her how it made me feel didnt seem to matter.
"Im your mother, it should be ok if I tell you"

Today she told me that if I didnt make an effort to look better when I go on holiday with my Dh and dd this year, "his eyes could wander, theres some beautiful slim girls lay on those beaches.." - well this is the worst Ive heard yet, I was completely stunned. "Why havent you done anything about it? You could pay to get that fat off. Im just telling you what I think, I think youre too sensitive sometimes.."

I told her if anyone else spoke to me like that Id tell them they were being completely rude so God knows why Ive put up with it from her so long. Then walked out. She told me I was pathetic.

I have had this lack of assertiveness all my life and recently the scales have fell from my eyes about the amount of people around me who have taken advantage/put me down.

AIBU to react how I did, I still dont actually know if I really am pathetic or not

OP posts:

Vycount · 09/04/2015 17:13

You're not pathetic, you've become strong.
I'd be considering whether or not I wanted to be around a person like this at all - mother or not.
Well done you.

irishamy89 · 09/04/2015 17:13

YANBU, she sounds vile!
You're happiness regarding your figure is all that matters.
Ignore!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/04/2015 17:14

Well done for finally walking away from her.

How she spoke to you is emotionally abusive and fucking nasty.

You did the right thing, don't let her knock your self esteem any longer.

Icimoi · 09/04/2015 17:14

YANBU. She needs to realise that issues like this are utterly trivial and that her relationship with you and your family is much more important.

chocolatelife · 09/04/2015 17:14

did her DH leave her or something.
she sounds very bitter and mean.

nilbyname · 09/04/2015 17:15

What a nasty, ridiculous thing to say!

Not only does she hold a low and totally superficial option of you, she thinks upur dh would have it off with the first slim woman he sees?! Talk about a lack of respect.

You did the right thing and keep it going. Not nice.

neighbourhoodwitch · 09/04/2015 17:16

God how rude & so not ok. It is never 'ok,' mother or not. Well done you and big hugs. xxx

CookPassBabtrigde · 09/04/2015 17:16

Good for you OP.
She needs telling to shut up, it's good that you did it. I'm guessing she's no Giselle herself?
Be happy in yourself and I'm sure your husband loves you the way you are.

maccie · 09/04/2015 17:17

Not pathetic at all. Sheiks being very hurtful and is repeating this behaviour even after you have told her this.

Well done for walking out. Continue removing yourself everytime she comments on your weight and she might eventually realise this is not something you want to hear her opinion on.

Or find a perceived fault with her and repeat it to your hearts content until she starts to get it.

liveloveluggage · 09/04/2015 17:18

Yes, you are doing the right thing! At 10-12 you are slim and healthy and that is what matters. It is just stupid to obsess over your slightly rounded tummy! How insulting to your dh that his "eyes might wander".

Original poster

FinallyWakingUp · 09/04/2015 17:21

Im a bit tearful now because I was expecting someone to say something along the lines of "why cant you take a little bit of criticism" because thats what I get from her, Ive just realised how misguided that is
She is a helpful mother and a one Ive been able to talk to about a lot of things but yes she is bitter, it is strange to hear this from other people but her friends and our family dont know her quite the same way I do

My Df has been a good dad but not an easy husband, re some of the bitterness I believe

Thankyou so much for your kind responses.

OP posts:

Thistledew · 09/04/2015 17:22

Just tell her it's ok, you are quite confident that your DH is not as shallow as she is. He loves you for the whole person you are, and doesn't need to make others feel small to make himself feel better.

chocolatelife · 09/04/2015 17:22

hopefully she will apologise? or at least know that she went too far this time.

MagelanicClouds · 09/04/2015 17:22

She's pathetic, not you.
Walking out was the best thing to do.
Do what maccie says and if she doesn't stop tell her directly that you find her criticism too nasty to be around and try and spend less time with her.

neighbourhoodwitch · 09/04/2015 17:24

DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 17:25

Just remind her that it will be you choosing her care home in the future........

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 09/04/2015 17:26

YANBU. You're mum is projecting her own insecurities onto you. My DM is the same (she puts on weight then critises mine). It is unspeakably hurtful.

Good on you for telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable. Please repeat this every time she says something horrible - point it out and remove yourself. She will learn that to see you she needs to be polite. It's worked with my DM (although it took a while).

Ps I would quite happily swap for you're size 12 body with a little belly!

Fatstacks · 09/04/2015 17:29

As the Dd of a nasty narc dm I think yadNbu and don't hold back.
Your dm hasn't tempered her criticism towards you.

I would just tell her to fuck off, I eventually did it with mine and only regret waiting as long as I did

milsmummy15 · 09/04/2015 17:32

That's completely disrespectful. Not only to you, but to your relationship. How dare she say that to you! I'm sorry, i know she is your DM, but I'm so angry for you! Don't think anymore about what she said. You're happy and healthy and that's all that matters.

hippymama1 · 09/04/2015 17:34

Yanbu. Your mother is projecting get own issues on to you and the comments are only designed to help her and make her feel good.

My DM also does this and says the same "I am only telling the truth" etc... It's all BS just designed to help her feel superior. You are right to call her out on it and Good for you for standing up for yourself.

ahbollocks · 09/04/2015 17:36

Just fyi OP good mums don't do this to their daughters. They just don't.
Spiteful woman.

MrsWembley · 09/04/2015 17:36

Oh, ffs, the fact that you have to ask about this screams volumes about the amount of shit you've had to deal with over the years. Remove yourself from her presence and let her know you're not prepared to take this sort of thing from her anymore. A loving mother shouldn't care about your weight unless it was affecting your health! And even then, there are much kinder ways of discussing it with you.

I can't imagine talking to my DD like this. I hope you have RL support? What else does she do to destroy your self-confidence? I'm willing to bet this is just a tiny part of it.

Original poster

FinallyWakingUp · 09/04/2015 17:36

I didnt realise this thread had posted twice and just added on the other one that she has already commented on my dd's little pot belly, telling me we should pick out dresses that dont accentuate it. I told her there was no way Id stand for that criticism towards my child, who is 3. How can anyone remark upon a small childs body in that way, Im getting angry again thinking about that one

She does project IsItI, projects all her insecurities at others. I get the brunt.

That is also very kind of you to say, Im sure youre lovely as you are.

OP posts:

MrsWembley · 09/04/2015 17:37

Oh and your weight sounds fine! I wish I was that size!!

dannythechampionoftheworld · 09/04/2015 17:40

Of course YANBU, op.

Sorry to hear she treats you like this. I have an identical figure to you and my mother is exactly the same - points it out to other people and is just a bitch.

I've started to distance myself from her and the gameplaying has started. She's concerned my DH is abusing me because I'm not myself around her!

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