for walking out of DMs house over this

[FinallyWakingUp]

I am a size 10/12 and have what I would say was a fairly proportionate figure. When I put on any weight however, it immediately shows on my gut. Its the way my body is, when I was a very slim teenager I still had this slightly rounded belly, it just is that way. When Ive been more active and paid more attention to diet and exercise it has improved, but remains a sticking problem re weight.
Anyway, this is and always has been the bane of my Dm's life. Looking me up and down when we're talking for example, eyes always focusing on my middle. Comparing me to my friends, even. "Isnt it a shame you havent got her slim figure" etc. She has made me crumble inside with just a few words over this at times. Telling her how it made me feel didnt seem to matter.
"Im your mother, it should be ok if I tell you"

Today she told me that if I didnt make an effort to look better when I go on holiday with my Dh and dd this year, "his eyes could wander, theres some beautiful slim girls lay on those beaches.." - well this is the worst Ive heard yet, I was completely stunned. "Why havent you done anything about it? You could pay to get that fat off. Im just telling you what I think, I think youre too sensitive sometimes.."

I told her if anyone else spoke to me like that Id tell them they were being completely rude so God knows why Ive put up with it from her so long. Then walked out. She told me I was pathetic.

I have had this lack of assertiveness all my life and recently the scales have fell from my eyes about the amount of people around me who have taken advantage/put me down.

AIBU to react how I did, I still dont actually know if I really am pathetic or not

How about "yeah, when I saw the doctor for my tummy tuck appt he said it was inherited. Form my mother. At least nowadays you can pay five grand and it's gone" what a horrible competitive rude cruel nasty thing to say. Mother or not. Tell her if you EVER hear her say that in earshot of your child, you'll get up and leave, wherever you,are. You sound perfect.

Mine is very like that too. Very generous, always trying to give me £20, pays for some of my kids' activities etc, and is generally lovely with my children, but I have realised she over-identifies. I am a bit overweight without being massive, and whenever I used to arrive at her house and she'd go to hug me she would say "Oh, there's a bit more of you than I was expecting!". She once came to my house and got very wound up because we were having other family members over and in her words "it's embarrassing, it's so messy". I had to point out that it was MY house, MY body, MY life. She did call me lots of horrible things (ungrateful, spoilt etc) but she has been much more manageable since we had this big argument. I think mothers sometimes can't see their daughters as fully separated individuals and they end up being hurtful because they think it's OK to just say whatever they think without regard for the daughter's feelings.

Aw OP well done in standing up to her AND not backing down.

Sounds like you've reached your limit. And in a spectacularly controlled way. I'd have started greetin probably

Keep writing your thoughts down. As a pp says, counselling is sometimes only as good as the counselled

Maybe ask for your thread to be moved to relationships board?

It'll be a hard slog to go through all the tough memories, but sounds like you've made a giant step towards it already.

for you. You deserve them

*counseller! I corrected that twice as well. Bloody auto correct!

I think that is a lot of the problem, over-identifying and failing to separate (on the mother's part).
Having helped you doesn't give her the right to undermine you.
Well done OP-you have handled it well.
I never stood up to my Mum over this.

Yep, had about 25 counselling sessions. Getting there (very slowly!)

Well I havent heard from Dm since walking out on thurs afternoon and am pretty certain she will just be stewing about how selfish I am or something.
I dont really want to see her at all. She said she would have dd for us if we wanted an afternoon/evening to ourselves this week (before the argument) but Id prefer to forego any of that.
A pp mentioned the Stately Homes thread, I have actually looked at a few of them before but didnt think my Dm was "that bad" at the time..
I will leave this thread and join the Stately one about any further developments.
Thanks again everyone and peace of mind.

My goodness what a cow she is!
I've had similar from DM so understand how such comments can destroy you. As some family members have pointed out to me my DM says these things out of jealousy mostly. You did the right thing in walking out, don't let her get away with it. I'm outraged for you!

Not sure if this sort of thing is allowed but I thought I'd put an update on this ancient thread I wrote, almost exactly 6 years later!

I'm now divorced - turns out DH did actually cheat on me eventually, several times.

I still see my DM, although less than ever before, and she still comments on my weight. Just the other day she told me I was "heavy set". I'm still a size 10-12

The last time I told her to stop talking to me like that, or just sigh and reply "okay", it made her angry and criticise me more

I don't enjoy her company, just put up with her. She is now a carer to my dad and I'm all she has.

she's bullying you.........

This is and all the posts from so many people being treated this way by their own parents is so utterly heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

It is emotional abuse. She is vacuous, superficial, judgmental, cruel, manipulative, gas lightning and rewrites history and minimises her role and words when confronted.

Her love is conditional not unconditional as you have for your own Dd as it should be. Most parents would never dream of this treatment. Some parents may say things clumsily now and then perhaps believing for health reasons they may be helping, but not this. That is evil projecting, wearing down your self esteem as a way to control you and make herself above you.

Absolutely she is projecting her own issues onto you. I am glad you see it and are finding some strength to stand up to her, and getting some counselling. I agree writing diaries or letters to yourself about your difficult upbringing and relationship based on this chronic and unjust mistreatment, to pour your memories and feelings on to paper can be cathartic, and re read them when you are not feeling as strong or start to believe her, read them and remind yourself this is her warped view of you. Please don't allow yourself to see yourself through her twisted lense.

She truly sounds like a classic Narcissistic personality disordered Mum. They often obsess about their daughter's appearance and weight.

It is near impossible to reason with them. Narcs don't naturally feel empathy, they protect their own weakness and shame as they have inside but dare not show it on the outside. If you call out a narc they will completely turn it around on you, and make themselves the victim, i.e. How dare you after all that I have done for you financially and any other support, a loving parent helps their children with these things in life with no strings attached, and don't use it as ammunition to throw back in your face when you quite rightly defend yourself and your Dd and call her out on her unacceptable behaviour.

There are lots of websites with in depth reading on this personality trate and behaviour, support groups, blogs, books, pod casts, YouTube videos who educate you on what this disorder is and entails, the behaviour is so classic and predictable you see others write stories almost identical to your own. However there is plenty of help on how to interact with them whilst minimising the damage to yourself, help you understand and come to terms with and give a name to what you have been on the receiving end of your whole life from someone who is supposed to love and protect you more than anyone. There is terminology used like things such as going grey rock, or how to lessen your contact, or go no contact if they continue to hurt you despite firm boundaries and warnings. There is only so much you can say and do, it is important you protect yourself and your child from being the next generation affected.

If you read up on Narcissistic personality disorder in Mothers and do not relate, think maybe it's not as bad as all that, then it may just be a lesser Narcissistic trate rather than full blown personality disorder. In that case there could be hope you can get through to them. Still learn the teqniques to equip yourself.

I found licensed clinical psychologist Dr Ramani on YouTube very helpful, warm, and insightful, also especially read the comment section on their as it opens your eyes to real stories just like yours, and helps you feel a lot less alone and a lot more sane. Dr Ramani has many videos as she posts regularly on all aspects of NPD Narcissistic personality disorder.

Link for her: m.youtube.com/watch?v=VedPxLtgcLE

I'm glad you clearly have a loving, understanding Husband in your corner. Best of luck with everything.

OP,

What a horror your mother is and always has been.

Good to read you see less of her, but perhaps you need to reduce it more.

You have been her emotional punching bag for years and that is so unhealthy.

Accepting her nastiness, swallowing your hurt and anger definitely can lead to feeling depressed.

Don't allow yourself to be used.
If your mother has no one else that is down to her and not your responsibility.

You sound like a lovely young woman.
Protect yourself.

Oh thanks for your comments and for that helpful info @BensonStabler - I have read up on that narcissistic behaviour before and wondered if it applied.
I never want to come across as a victim but I can't help but link my parents influence to my history of relationships with charming love bombers who later turn emotionally abusive, and "frenemy" style friendships. I'm really quite solitary at this point in my life and do a lot of reflecting about it.
Oh here's something else - she will often gift me and my daughter with cakes and chocolate, even though I'm overweight 🤔

I've remembered another interesting one - after my marriage broke up my parents helped me repaint my bedroom and put together furniture. She started pulling out some bags and piles of clothes I had in my wardrobe ( not a lot at all, but I have very little storage room) and throwing it about shouting "look at all of this SHIT! Look at all of this crap, why have you got all THIS!“

I was speechless, my dad never said anything. I was stood there explaining that this was my stuff and why does she care so much, but she was just irate and shouting about! Then later on she tried to start painting things magnolia when I wanted it all white
That's just wrong, and upsetting isn't it? The clothes issue, not so much the paint colour.

A bad little cow? Yet she’s previously said you didn’t bring trouble to her door? So which is it? The only person missing out is her, she doesn’t get to see you or your dd while she sulks about you standing up to her at last.

God knows my mother and I have a complicated relationship, but the one thing she has never, EVER done is devalue my sister or I on our looks and weight.

For the record, I am a little taller than average at 180cm and have a strong, athletic s12-14 body - very different to my mother, sister and grandmother, who are small, classic hourglasses.

My grandmother was obsessed and was permanently 'on a diet', and picked up my (also taller than average) female cousin and I on any negative aspect of our appearance (my sister was the golden grandchild and escaped the criticism!). Mum, however, wouldn't stand for it and was my greatest cheerleader.

You have done nothing wrong and have modelled excellent behaviour for your daughter. Well done.

Pathetic?

She is pathetic. You have been strong. Carry on being strong.

My father was like this, rude comments, describing me as 'gross' etc

Eventually I decided id only see him when i was in control of when and how I would leave, so that the FIRST time he made any such comment i would just up and leave.

It's only take a few repetitions of this for him to learn, there's never any shouting or drama, I say something like 'oh dear well we'd best be going now' and we leave.

He hasn't done it in YEARS - i don't think ive cured him of being rude critical and insensitive, but i have stopped allowing it to hurt me!

You were made the family scapegoat. And yes, narcissistic parents usually have had some kind of emotional neglect or trauma in their childhood. This will never change, they don't change. The other parent is the enabler. Sorry you have had to go through this but you have seen the light now.

I can't understand how anyone could put a loved one down like this, it's utterly disgusting OP and you're in every way right to have said and acted the way you did.
With what is currently in the news re. Nikki Grahame, it's surprising she would even continue along these lines. I would keep your DD away from her if I'm being brutally honest - what she said about her is disturbing and verging on abuse!!
If she thinks love (from your DH) is about looks, she has clearly never been loved herself.

That said, I would always (in future) want to talk with my child if I thought he was unhealthy, but I would not do it by putting him down and basically making fun of him.
Has she ever said any of these things in front of other people or does she continue to think you'll take it direct because "she's your mother" and no-one hears her?

OP, you carry on with life as you are, decide what's right for your health....and enjoy your holiday with your loving family.

Hope you are doing ok OP.

Show her this thread ....

I think family relationships can be extra hard because we can think the way people treat us is normal and accaeptable if we're raised with it, when really it isn't acceptabe at all. Good on youfor sticking up for yourself.
I am also a woman who has a naturally rounder tummy. There's nothing wrong with it at all. At your size you hardly need to worry about your weight. I'm one size bigger than you and totally fine with my body, I can see no reason whatsoever for you to feel like yours isn't good enough. People make such a big deal over belly fat, they need to get a grip frankly.

You sound so lovely, OP. You deserve better from your own mother

It’s so weird isn’t it . My fil was obsessed with weight . He said something about my daughter once and I really laid into him . I told him he was very rude and it was the person inside that matters not what they look like . So perhaps he fact he was nasty about weight was something he should look within himself about .

The reason I was so mad was that when I first met his son I was a size 8 and my fil once called me thunder thighs . I was mortified and immediately went on a liquid diet and I swear that was the start of my yo-yo dieting . The odd thing is I have been all different weights over the years and my DH has never once criticised me .

It was like he had Tourette’s about weight . He could not help himself . Very odd.

Oh how awful she is. It's cruel that she puts you down, and now she's going to do the same to your daughter. It has to stop and I think it will be you that has to make the change.

I'd love to suggest giving her a taste of her own medicine but that would be sinking to her level.

Someone who loves and respects you wouldn't repeatedly put you down, especially after you told them how bad it makes you feel and after asking them to stop.

Please don’t let your daughter be exposed to her - I have a daughter (adult) who struggles with an eating disorder due to comments from my MIL over the years, many i was not even aware of until my daughter told me quite recently. Your daughter needs protection