for walking out of DMs house over this

[FinallyWakingUp]

I am a size 10/12 and have what I would say was a fairly proportionate figure. When I put on any weight however, it immediately shows on my gut. Its the way my body is, when I was a very slim teenager I still had this slightly rounded belly, it just is that way. When Ive been more active and paid more attention to diet and exercise it has improved, but remains a sticking problem re weight.
Anyway, this is and always has been the bane of my Dm's life. Looking me up and down when we're talking for example, eyes always focusing on my middle. Comparing me to my friends, even. "Isnt it a shame you havent got her slim figure" etc. She has made me crumble inside with just a few words over this at times. Telling her how it made me feel didnt seem to matter.
"Im your mother, it should be ok if I tell you"

Today she told me that if I didnt make an effort to look better when I go on holiday with my Dh and dd this year, "his eyes could wander, theres some beautiful slim girls lay on those beaches.." - well this is the worst Ive heard yet, I was completely stunned. "Why havent you done anything about it? You could pay to get that fat off. Im just telling you what I think, I think youre too sensitive sometimes.."

I told her if anyone else spoke to me like that Id tell them they were being completely rude so God knows why Ive put up with it from her so long. Then walked out. She told me I was pathetic.

I have had this lack of assertiveness all my life and recently the scales have fell from my eyes about the amount of people around me who have taken advantage/put me down.

AIBU to react how I did, I still dont actually know if I really am pathetic or not

What a strange and unkind woman. She is deliberately hurting you.

I would give her a wide berth. If you keep coming back for more, she won't change.

How awful! I have a similar figure to you, put weight on my stomach, but my mother has never spoken to me like that. In fact, my parents have very much instilled body confidence and acceptance in me.

What a dreadful woman. And no, you shouldn't be able to say whatever you think if it is so damaging and hurtful. People who say they are only being honest are using an excuse to be spiteful and nasty. You don't need people in your life who are so horrible.

As you have probably realised by now, YANBU. Definitely YANBU.

When your daughter gets slightly older you may want to 'warn' her that granny is insecure and a bit obsessed with physical appearance, and not to take her seriously when she talks like that.

Turn the tables:

"Gosh, DM, you are looking so OLD and haggard these days. Those eye bags must be so embarrassing! Perhaps you should look into surgery..."

Or

"DM, has anyone ever told you that you have a terrible dress sense? No, don't be offended, I thought if anyone is going to tell you, it should be your daughter "

If you can't steer clear of her entirely make it needy I would suggest you gently but firmly make it absolutely clear that as a good grandmother she will never make negative remarks about her dgcs body, because "as she obviously knows" its really important that children grow up with a positive body image, isn't it Mum?? Is it possible to suggest this too her as if she probably already agrees?

Does sound like classic projection!

MrsWembley there are many things I could write here about how shes made me feel inferior, but the thing is she also makes just as many comments about how she thinks Im a fabulous young woman and have done so well in life and am great etc
Ive ended up so confused about whats real hard fact and what is just opinion. I dont actually know what I am I feel so foolish saying that at my age (early thirties)

Im actually on a waiting list for some counselling. Dm doesnt know - just my Dh and close friend. Its to discuss quite a lot of things, not just her though. Have had depression on and off through life.

She has just text me there saying "Im sorry I dont mean to upset you" so I replied "Youve been saying it for years, so you obviously do". She just maintained that shes sorry for upsetting me. I do feel she is, but I know that wont stop her being the way she is.

"make it needy"?? I thought I'd bloomin' turned off autocorrect as well!

She's sorry you took it personally and are upset by it. She's not sorry for saying it.

I feel for you op, it's a nasty way to be treated.

Yanbu

How rude of her.. I have had a particularly fractious relationship with my parents but they've never said anything about my weight except for when I WAS overweight and needed a wake up call.

She says it again to you, just be all well I can only work with the genes you gave me mother dear, how do you deal with yours?

Or words to that effect.

Oh well done for standing up again to her text and making clear you are serious!

Just fight back OP. I bet she doesn't have a perfect body, start pointing out her imperfections every time she points out one of yours. Tit for tat, I know it is childish but trust me it works ??

That's dreadful OP. My sister has had loads of similar shit from our mother and it used to kill her. Its emotional abuse, as is claiming that she can say what she likes to you just because she's your mother. And telling you you're 'too sensitive'. Oh yes, of course its all your fault!

What do you think will happen next? Do you think you have any chance of getting a heartfelt proper apology out of her?

pepperfish when I was a lot younger she maintained that I called her "fat". Well I never have, how could I, she is a very petite woman, size 12. She hasnt got washboard abs though thats for sure

I reminded her of that today, but she looked dumbfounded.

I just lifted my top up to check how big I look in the mirror just then and when I sit down I do definately have a wobbly belly. On bad days I can look quite pregnant.

This is how shes got me, Jesus Christ

What a horrible thing to say to your daughter and granddaughter.

Their is nothing wrong with your size. I'm sure your dh loves you exactly the way you are. Don't let a women with serious body image problems effect you and your daughter.

My DM commented that an 8 month old baby was overweight. EIGHT MONTHS OLD. nutcase.

Keep your child away too or DM will only project her self esteem and weight issues on to her too. She won't be able to stop herself.

Lotta the apology wont be heartfelt, I know that. She cant help herself.

When I walked out I left dd there, as she was happy playing and oblivious to how I was feeling. I am going to collect her in an hour or so and will just explain that I cant sit and be spoken to like that anymore, I just cant.

Bloody hell hippy thats madness.

She is very loving and "normal" towards dd so I dont have a problem with her being with her..yet. The comment about the little dresses has made me very vigilant though.

Your mother is fucked up and she's done her best to fuck you up over body image. They project madly onto you. So unfair. My mother treated my body as if it was her territory and never hesitated to give me her opinion as I was growing up. Guess what - I'm completely fucked up on body image and don't know which way to be around food. She would never, ever admit to doing wrong though. I have refused to discuss weight issues with her for around 20 years - doesn't stop her trying though and doesn't stop me going round in circles in my relationship with my body. I just hope to god I don't pass on any of this to my daughter. Good luck to you and bloody well hold your ground. She needs to apologise properly, not just 'sorry you're upset'. She sound pretty unapologetic tbh.

You're not sensitive or pathetic, she's running you down on purpose. It's just you think you're sensitive because she's probably told you that for most of your life to excuse the fact that she has been upsetting you.

It's a bit of a mind f, but basically when people are nasty to you and you get upset, if they enjoy the power or control they will tell you you are being over-sensitive. When you are a kid you believe it, but as you get older you start to reevaluate and think 'I'd never say that to my dd' and that's when the penny drops.

She won't like being told and will throw her toys out of the pram, but at least then she'll think it might not be worth the trouble next time she says it if you give her a right telling off once and for all.

If this was a bloke behaving like this, people would be screaming 'red flag', 'abuse' and 'ltb'! It is incredible the way in which a person can be broken with a few lovely words followed by a few awful ones. Just because she can be nice doesn't mean she is.

I've had a weight problem most of my life and my mother has never made me feel bad about it. She's often on a a diet too and can get occasionally competitive, which pisses me off but heyho, she's at least staying on the positive side of life!

Walk out every time she says anything like this until she learns to stop it.
Perhaps say "I'll come back when you have something pleasant to say"
My Mum has criticised my appearance all my life (not weight-hair, face etc) and I've ignored it-it subtlety undermines your confidence.
Don't put up with it.

Please don't look at your figure with critical eyes OP, although I know how hard it can be to stop. Your figure is actually the one I'm aspiring to!

Our DMs are very similar. I get praise for being smart but told to dress better/change my hair to compensate for my size. I've been told to diet since I was around 12.

It is a very hard relationship to negotiate. I always thought mothers were meant to love you unconditionally, and it took me until almost 30 to realise this isn't true. I feel proud of you OP, please stay strong when you see her. If I walked up to you in the street and told you to do something about your figure you would quite rightly think I'm a bitch! The fact that she's your mum is worse imo, she is supposed to care about you. And stay vigilant, she will at some point start on your DD. She won't be able to stop herself

She must have some issues about fat / bodies / women etc. It is so easy to project your fears onto your kids.
But it isn't right, it's hurtful, it's not healthy, it's none of her business! Tell her it upsets you. Ask her to stop.
Be strong, but give her a chance to change. It sounds like she does love you.

(I bet your tummy isn't even particularly big personally.)

I'm sat reading in shock OP, that is not how a normal loving mum behaves! How can someone who loves you chip away at your confidence and make you feel shit? I'm so angry at people who become parents who treat their kids like this. Keep telling her how upsetting it is when she says something, don't just accept her comments.

No one (of adult age) at size 10 to 12 could EVER be overweight, or need surgery to rectify it.

Stay away from her and keep your daughter close too, she'll start on her next!