for walking out of DMs house over this

[FinallyWakingUp]

I am a size 10/12 and have what I would say was a fairly proportionate figure. When I put on any weight however, it immediately shows on my gut. Its the way my body is, when I was a very slim teenager I still had this slightly rounded belly, it just is that way. When Ive been more active and paid more attention to diet and exercise it has improved, but remains a sticking problem re weight.
Anyway, this is and always has been the bane of my Dm's life. Looking me up and down when we're talking for example, eyes always focusing on my middle. Comparing me to my friends, even. "Isnt it a shame you havent got her slim figure" etc. She has made me crumble inside with just a few words over this at times. Telling her how it made me feel didnt seem to matter.
"Im your mother, it should be ok if I tell you"

Today she told me that if I didnt make an effort to look better when I go on holiday with my Dh and dd this year, "his eyes could wander, theres some beautiful slim girls lay on those beaches.." - well this is the worst Ive heard yet, I was completely stunned. "Why havent you done anything about it? You could pay to get that fat off. Im just telling you what I think, I think youre too sensitive sometimes.."

I told her if anyone else spoke to me like that Id tell them they were being completely rude so God knows why Ive put up with it from her so long. Then walked out. She told me I was pathetic.

I have had this lack of assertiveness all my life and recently the scales have fell from my eyes about the amount of people around me who have taken advantage/put me down.

AIBU to react how I did, I still dont actually know if I really am pathetic or not

When my Mum did things like this I don't think she intended to deliberately hurt me-I think she thought she was telling me for my own good-so if she said "you need to have your hair permed"-I would do so and, in her opinion, look better.
She couldn't accept that I had grown up and I was not her doll to dress.

I have adult daughters now-if they have a hair-cut I'm not keen on or something I try to stop and think before I say anything and ask myself if I would say it to a friend or colleague.

I think if you walk out and call her on it every time and point out that she is hurting you it may be possible to train her out of it.

I once replied to my Mum that I had different taste and wasn't keen on the way she had her hair.
She went ape!

"..... beautiful slim girls lay on those beaches.. "

Free eggs?

You are doing very well, OP. from me too.

Agree that your mother is projecting her own insecurities. She appears to be quite manipulative; praising you on one hand and then destroying your self esteem at the same time. Thus ensuring that you believe her criticism of you. She thrives on your insecurity.
My response would be something like this
'Mum I love you , but I am really concerned about your obsession with my weight. I worry about the fact that you may have low self esteem and I think that you may need counselling or something to deal with this'

OP, please don't feel bad or silly for being upset about this. There's no magic switch that gets flicked when you become an adult that makes this stuff stop hurting. Having a mother like yours (ours) means you don't develop a healthy view of yourself and leaves your self esteem in tatters. Go easy on yourself. You have every right to feel hurt and upset.

Counselling is an excellent idea. Like you I have always suffered from depression. Years of therapy have helped me to see that my parents' bullshit caused it all. I'm slowly freeing myself and it hurts but is so liberating. Keep on standing up for yourself

I had this from my dm (until she died). I have naturally very straight hair without a hint of bend/wave - just like dm's was. Age 5/6 she would put curlers in my hair to go to bed in. At age 10 she was home perming it. From about 11 she was on at me to pluck my eyebrows. She would be the first to point out spots, was quick to criticise if I coloured my hair too dark/bright (to cover grey which appeared as a teen), discouraged me from tying my hair back as it "didn't suit me" (face too round) .

My weight was a constant source of trauma to her, and was the cause of some of our worst arguments, leaving me in tears, even after I left home. She had a very narrow build (slim wrists, shoulders etc) which she disliked, and was always trying to disguise the bits she didn't like. She didn't put weight on easily, and went off food quickly when ill or stressed. I have my dad's build - thicker wrists, broader shape, put weight on easily (am a comfort eater) and find it hard to lose it. She found this very hard to accept, and would often point out that I shouldn't wear anything too clingy/should always cover my midriff unless if was wearing something loose, or that my coat was 'pulling over my bum' etc. She would go on and on, saying she was worried about my health because of my weight, and that was why she was saying it, or it because 'i needed to do something/take it in hand' (like I didn't know I was a fatty) or because 'you looked prettier slimmer' (yeah i know - fat and ugly).

Its 6 years nearly since she died, and I still find it difficult not to 'obey the rules'. I still won't wear anything that even vaguely clings, and cannot leave the house without hair and make up done.

If I ever have a DD (only have DS at the moment) I will not do this to her.

I would cut her off until are is prepared to speak to you with some respect. She'll soon come running as she sounds like she may have a very needy side to her deep down. X

meant to add - yanbu at all. I think walking out, and the text, was a good move x

Pissovski, I had similar - a list of things I couldn't wear and colours that didn't suit me and I couldn't grow my hair because it would look awful. It is very hard to shake this stuff off. I think it all comes from jealousy and control and its horribly abusive

Well as a mother of an adult daughter, I personally just think she is being thoughtless and superficial, rather than malicious.

I sometimes say thoughtless things to my dd, but she won't let me get away with a thing, which is probably what you will have to do. I must admit it's a wonder you aren't anorexic with those kinds of comments and I would be, if I were you, make sure she understands that she cannot say things like that around your dd.

Well done for walking out without telling her to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Her comment was nasty. YANBU not to hang around for more.

Well done, you've made a stand. I think seeing history repeat itself with your dd has given you strength.

Now treat dm as you would a naughty child. As soon as she starts, give her one warning that if she continues, you will leave. And follow through.

Tell her that she may not think it is important , but that it is to you, so she must respect your feelings. You will not put up with it.

My DM is even worse. V aggressive and mean

You're not unreasonable at all. Every time you look at your body in the mirror and focus on something negative, think of something you love doing with your DD; wether it's cuddling up at bedtime, carrying her when she's sleeping, chasing her at the park. Without your amazing body being the way it is, you might not be able to do those things. Honestly, it sounds bonkers but tell yourself your body is amazing, it does wonderful things every day. You'll begin to believe it eventually.

There's nothing pathetic at all about a grown woman standing up for herself. Your Mum has two choices; she changes and accepts that she can no longer berate you about such utter bullshit, or she sticks with it and runs the risk of losing you. Either way, she stands to lose so much more than you do.

Hello all, thanks again for all of your replies, I have read them all twice over. To the pp's who have also had this kind of relationship with their mothers, that was some awful stuff to read and I am sorry you have been made to feel so insecure and inadequate. I hope we can all attain some peace of mind and detach from it all.

I told Dh everything Dm said earlier today and he rolled his eyes, shook his head and said he has always thought she was quite mad and obviously has a lot of ishoos. I knew he felt this way generally.

When I went back to her house to collect dd she immediately started telling me what she gave her to eat, how well they had played together etc and was all smiles. I told her that I thought she'd kind of lost the plot saying the kinds of things she had today and that I couldnt sit and listen to it anymore, that I didnt feel she was truly sorry, that there was no way I could talk to my own dd like that etc.

She told me that I would just have to accept her apology, she didnt know what more she could say, and that I should just drop it.
Well no, I said. I didnt want to actually - at this point we were raising voices - she started shouting that I SHOULD drop it and stop right there considering EVERYTHING SHE'D DONE FOR ME -

Well a bit of back story here; my parents have helped me financially, they have actually been able to give us money towards a deposit for a house (we are renting currently). They also bought me a car some years back, and have been generous to us as a family. I have always been appreciative of this, always said I never know how to thank them. I am aware that I am very fortunate in this respect. Although its said the money is from them both, it is actually Dm that has saved towards the house deposit.
They always told me that by being sensible and not "bringing trouble to their door", in their eyes I am worth it.

So not only did she insult me, she tried to use that money to make me feel guilty. Dh actually said he thought she would do that, but I said no I cant believe she could be that...nasty?
Turns out she is

I said I think its because of the money that you think you can say what you want to me - she said "NO it isnt.....I think deep down youre a BAD little cow" to which I replied no, I think that is what YOU really are, and that my problem is that I have been a complete DOORMAT. She had no response to this, just started tidying up dd's toys.

I calmly left with dd. When walking home I remembered that when I was a lot younger, the moment I started to raise my voice and stand up for myself she used to shout me down and turn everything around to make me feel guilty and inferior. Df did the same sometimes. He listened to everything we said btw, and didnt intervene. I believe he agreed with what I was saying.

Her earlier apology was empty - she couldnt even pretend she meant it face to face. Everytime I said how I couldnt imagine speaking that way to my daughter she would just dismiss it by saying "Im not talking about her, Im not interested in her that way, Im talking about you". She even tried to change how she meant the comment she made about how dd looked in certain dresses, actually tried to tell me Id gotten her wrong. She does that all the time. I saw her tonight as a nasty, mean-minded little woman and Im struggling to deal with that, even though she very much comes across that way in my op

Sorry its all a bit "he said/she said", just had to get all that off my chest. I cant believe she actually called me a bad little cow either, its almost funny how jekyll/hyde the woman is.

I could have written your post. Even down to the "everything I've done for you"
Walk out every single time she says it, be very clear you won't tolerate it. If she's anything like mine though, getting upset will make her do it more so just be very matter of fact "you can't be pleasant, I won't be here"
It's shit, it really is. I have disordered eating now, I look in a mirror and see an ugly person nobody would date, and I've been single for a decade because "no man wants to date a fat ugly girl"
Her issues. Hers. Not yours. And you don't have to listen to it

Goodasitgets if those are your mothers exact words that is disgusting, have you had counselling to try and untangle the mental mess?

I feel appalled reading posts like yours and yet still confused and surprised reading my own, its hard to see the wood from the trees when youre entrenched in the situation.

Something I have forgotton to add to this, Dm has suffered a lot of EA throughout her life starting in childhood. Do you think/know if your mother suffered the same?

I think I have even excused a lot of her behaviour due to this. I have never wanted to make her upset or be a worry for her. Ive been able (or I thought I had been able) to deal with lots of stuff on my own so have absorbed the blows. Reading that back it is now immediately obvious why I have dealt with depression so often - my counsellor is in for a treat once the sessions start

YANBU. I could never imagine saying something so mean and uncalled for to my DD. Well done for calling her on it. Would she have made the same comment to anyone else? Being your mother, does not give her the right to make personal and hurtful comments.

Others have given good advice. I can just say... Your mother is a fucking bitch!

What a nasty empty woman she's shown herself to be. I hope you take back control and use the counselling to get her nasty insidious voice out from under your skin.

We have a lot in common, OP.

I have a shallow, manipulative and pernicious mother who I have been, in turn, managing, avoiding, kow towing to, telling off and trying to please for 49 years.

I am also a size 10 with distorted and negative body image. My mother cares far more about my 'unflattering' jeans or my 'too blonde' hair highlights or my 'chunky upper arms' than my successful (and enjoyable) career as a partner in a law firm!

You might be thinking '49 years! Dear God I hope I sort out my feelings on this before I'm that old!'. Well the bad news is - a shit mother's negative influence never leaves you. The good news - it can and does get better but you have to get tough.

I have had counselling which helped (but counselling isn't a catch all, you need a really good counsellor - someone that works for you personally, that you trust, that challenges you, that really gets you). I have a dh who has always seen through her shit, who is very emotionally strong and onside with me.

And I have got SO much tougher! I hold her at arm's length, everything is on my terms (even though I still see a lot of her and am kind to her), I call her out (or freeze her out) when she says something rude, unkind or plain bloody stupid. I went NC with her for about six months once - I didn't actually intend to, I just couldn't face speaking to her and it just went from there...It did give her a jolt and she's never pushed me that far again.

It's exhausting sometimes and I feel resentful and jealous of other women with 'normal' mothers - mums who support and impart wisdom instead of telling me about the latest diet on the Daily Mail!

Finally, it's good to hear that you stood up to her and called her out.

It's also interesting, in a sad way, that you can see she might have reasons for her behaviour.

Nevertheless, be careful of all future interactions for the sake of your DD. Good luck and

OP, seriously well done for standing up to her, that took guts. So she's been financially very generous, so she's suffered emotional abuse herself - so what???? None of that gives her the right to treat you like shit. None of it. Ever.

It is not your job to please your mother or be her little puppet. She sounds highly manipulative and very nasty. You do not have to take it. Carry on standing up to her. And counselling - seriously. This is very dark upsetting stuff to get your head around and professional help will be invaluable. Good luck, you're doing brilliantly

Helping you out is not a reason or a justification to treat you like dirt. She is your mother. She should want to help you!

I have airways felt pathetically grateful for any help my DM had given me even though she will throw it back in my face at every opportunity - I felt that allowing her to do that was showing my gratitude in a way...

You are not alone - there are plenty of us with nutcase mothers and if you want to come and talk or share some of your story, head on over to the Stately Homes thread...

I've just read through this thread and can totally relate to all the PPs with dysfunctional mothers. As Philip Larkin said "they fuck you up, your mum and dad".

Both my parents were constantly critical of my weight when I was a teenager (my mother was a ballet dancer and very petite - I was taller and larger but probably only a size 12). I developed anorexia as a means of control. As soon as I could, I moved overseas.

OP, you sound much more sorted than I was. For a start, you have a supportive DH. My comfort level was abuse and control, so I chose and encouraged men who would do the same. My ex DH left when I was pregnant, and my DF was furious with me, saying that I had brought shame on the family - so I stayed overseas and brought her up on my own for a few years, rather than have to live with their shame. I am back in the UK now and DD is 17. It's always been just the two of us. DM never really got over the fact that I was/am a single mother, but she uses the label "ambitious career woman" (necessity rather than choice in my case) and "excuses me that way. My DM realised that I had a serious eating problem although, obviously, would never acknowledge that anything they had done would have contributed towards it. Exactly like yours, she says that I am over-sensitive. However, she has never said anything to my DD that she used to say to me.

Clouds and silver linings - my DD has a great body image and no food issues at all - I think that I was so determined that she wouldn't end up like me that I have been conscious all along of the effect that words have, and that they cannot be unspoken.

Good luck with the counselling and no, YANBU. I wish I had had the strength to be more assertive years ago.

Well done. My own dm is not like this at all, but my mil is. It took years of her saying she didn't like my hair down and me being for her to stop (she doesn't like long hair). Luckily, my own upbringing meant I could bat it off. However, her daughter, sil, is very overweight and depressed with mh issues. Mil also holds the generous with money and EA cards.

Perhaps your mother needs to stop perpetrating the emotional abuse, it makes her just as bad as whoever treated her like that. It is unlikely she will accept responsibility, so you need to decide how to deal with her. If you haven't got anything nice to say...

Counselling sounds great.