To not understand suburban/domestic bliss

[saltnpepa]

I am beginning to wonder if I am the only person that doesn't aspire to the suburban/domestic dream of a detached modern house with a double garage, manicured lawn and 2 weeks a year in Tenerife. It seems adverts on TV and pretty much everywhere sell this dream, this image of modern family life, but it leaves me cold at best and fills me with dread at worst. Surely there's more to life than that?

Yes, there's more to life.

But there's also a Hell of a lot less to life as well for some people.

I love being a boring surburban housewife meself (tho we live in a flat) It was a hard bloody fight to get here, and despite my frequentoccasional whinges of being bored I am thankful.

I have lived the suburban life (pleasant 4 bed detached 1950s house ) for 33 years i.e. since I married (late) and had children .It was never something I aspired to (though I did grow up in a council house) but it has been a way of living that works on a practical level -convenient for work/schools .And provided a stable environment for two children.But I have never felt defined or confined by it either .We have been happy here and my garden is a delight ,though I have never mastered a striped ,manicured lawn .And I've never been to Tenerife either(though having just returned from a freezing week in The Netherlands I would seriously consider it next March)
Now our children have grown and flown and we have retired we will downsize and move somewhere more rural .Different lifestyles are appropriate for different phases of ones life
. I am curious as to why OP seems so scared by the idea .

Ladygaga1980 does make some very valid points about suburbia-but you can ' escape ' ! We have excellent concert halls and theatres within easy reach and I can get to London and back very easily .Was at an exhibition and The Albert Hall on Sunday for example .You may live in suburbia for convenience but you don't have to be a suburbanite .
And you can find like -minded interesting people ,who are interested in more than than the price of houses, wherever you live

Actually I think the suburbs thing might be British/USA thing. I worked in Europe as an au pair and most of the families had chic townhouses in nice parts of the city with lots of amenities nearby. So if you had kids etc you didn't have to swap your lifestyle completely.

I'm fairly sure the thread has moved on, but I distinctively remember sitting in the Drs waiting room with Dd to get her four month injections, and someone there with a child the same age as dd, but also another one a year older.
I remember her saying, "oh yes, we had ours close together, all my friends are just trying for their seconds".
I swear it freaked me out, two kids, two years apart, nice suburban semi, reliable family car and centerparcs as a treat.

post that's a good point. It's a trade off. But can anybody really say 'I bloody love the suburbs'?

I suppose there are degrees of suburbia. Suburbs that are a couple of miles from the city centre are more appealing (to most) than suburbs that are twenty miles away from the city centre. All depends on the how expensive real estate is in your city though I suppose as to how near/far you can afford to be from the action.

I think this thread illustrates my point, those who have lived their own visions are accepting that we all choose different ways of life and many of those who are living the suburban dream are threatened and upset by anyone questioning it, hence I am a special snowflake etc. All fascinating stuff! I have been mumsnetting long enough to know AIBU can be a bun fight and know better than to bare my soul here. Suffice to say DH isn't adverse to the suburban dream and I won't be going anywhere near it, we will have to find a compromise.

Yabu I absolutely adore the suburbs, cities make me nervous and rural areas- too inconvenient! I'd never live anywhere else.

I don't want to be mean or (unduly) repetitive, but OP, your posts are, well, quite commonly-heard sentiments. Up to a point.

And the point is, that when people talk about how they don't want the conventional idea of a suburban lifestyle, it's always because they want a life they think sounds even better.

No-one ever says, "gawd, the reason I don't want a nice warm semi with plenty of storage in the garage for my life's mementos is because it's been my secret dream, ever since I can remember, to rent a tiny flat with a choking smell of mould at an exorbitant weekly rent, despite its cockroach problem and rotten window frames on the ground floor that are so fragile any burglar could just put his/her fingers through to get in. Where I have to write my diary while wearing fingerless gloves each night, on account on the cold".

You're not scared that you'll lose out on having an actual shitter life, starving to death in an actual garret, are you? You're scared you're never going to live in a stylish city apartment (again?), close to authentic yet hygienic restaurants, or that you'll never have time to visit those countries you said you'd visit.

And that's okay. We all want to fit in as nice stuff into our lives as possible. Some people's dreams are heavier on the music practice, and going to gigs, and other people want to go mountaineering before they hit some particular milestone.

I thought everyone aspired to have at least one powder blue AGA. no? is it just me then?
hmm, let me find out what my butler thinks.

anyway we don't manicure our lawn. that's what the gardener is for. sheesh

I live in a detached house with a double garage and a big lawn. In America though. And don't take foreign holidays, though I hope to someday.

It is what you make of it. I'm happy. I read all the time, sit around the bonfire and drink sangria with DH in the summer, pop down to the coffeeshop to see what's new, hop over to the bookstore to see my friend, take long hikes. It's what I want to do, and as such I don't see it as smothering.

I used to think it would be dull and boring, and deliberately tried to avoid it. Then we did a big house move and had to get somewhere quick that required no work and would sell easily if we had to move. It has taken a few years but now I realize that it not only makes my life easier, but it gives me more free time to do interesting stuff I want to do.

Freezing in a house while you redo the heating, or living with everything in one room as you do up the flooring really takes the shine off the romance of a quirky older house. Having the time and energy to do things after work, being able to have people over at the drop of a hat, not having to spend forever cleaning and decorating. Those things are actually pretty good.

I can spend my evenings doing stuff I love and not getting stuck in city traffic or having to do DIY. We have neighbors but don't ever hear their noise or have to worry about noise we make. We're a mile out of town so I can walk to the market if I want, and we have enough room in the house to relax and spread out in comfort.

Before this I was a city center quirky older house person, but the burbs have grown on me.

My DB was so dismissive of living on a 'naice little estate' all the time. Every conversation we'd have revolved around him thinking that was the kiss of death. He was always going to live in the middle of nowhere with no neighbours. Then he had an affair...married the OW and lives on a 'naice little estate' with all his money going on garden decking and pot plants.

So live in a city or a commune in the countryside then...

Many people would like to live in the city but the oligarchs priced them out ;) and can't afford the countryside either.

For many of us, where we live is a compromise of finances/family/jobs - I thought most thinking adults had worked that out by now.

I don't think this thread really proves anything OP. Of course people feel 'upset' when someone is sneery about their way of life. And your post DOES come across as sneery whether you intended it to or not. If you've been on mumsnet a long time then I suggest that you've developed a slightly skewed vision of the world. Yes, a lot of people on here are aiming for 'domestic bliss' but that's because it's a site aimed at parents. Real life is much more varied. Surely yours is too? You are far, far from being the 'only person' not living that cliched version of surban life - I'd say hardly any of my circle of friends live like that! But they don't use mumsnet...

If you'd have posted a thread saying that your husband was ready to settle down in the suburbs and you weren't and how could you find a compromise, you'd have a had a lot of helpful replies. Instead you posted something a bit goady in AIBU and got a rather predictable set of replies.

It comes across as sneery because it is sneery.
"I am beginning to wonder if I am the only person who doesn't aspire to this..." Etc etc. I mean, come on! 'Am I the only person who thinks I am better than a 'comfortably numb' lifestyle?
Er no. Most 18-25 yr olds feel exactly the same.

Yes it's sneery because the OP is making big assumptions about people's lives.

Some of the dullest people I have met are those with dyed hair/multiple piercings/load of tattoos.

Conversely some of the most interesting people I have met- neurosurgeon, an astrophysicist, international human rights lawyer, jazz musician, molecular biologists, coven leader, expert at the Hadron collider facility, shaman, have all looked like very straight laced people. ( And often living in "boring" but very functional homes.

I have lived in the heart of the city for 20 years, I have lived in an "idyllic" country cottage for years. I find leafy suburbia a great place to continue my functional living, with enough space inside and out to work, bring up my kids and relax.

One set of my neighbours are an opera singer and a drama coach. The other set is a political activist and his wife an art therapist and witch.

To a casual passer the neat gardens and volvo in the driveway may look tedious, but the people living here don't need to be seen to be living an "edgey" life because they are secure enough in themselves not to care if they are judged.

Maybe that is your main concern OP- are you afraid that others may judge you, or that you will turn into a Stepford wife?

Like it or not, once you have children your life tends to follow a certain route wherever you live.

People live in the suburbs because they want a garden, a certain number of bedrooms and to be able to get to work every day.

This is not universally driven by a desire to have a stripy lawn (although nothing wrong with a stripy lawn). It is driven by a desire to give their children security, stability and space to play.

Like it or not, if you send your children to school your life will be governed by school places, school hours and terms. Even if you home ed, you can't do whatever you want because then you have to look after your children all day and still find a way to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

"Domestic bliss" will always be a compromise because, particularly where children are concerned, it involves putting the needs of others first.

I'm not sure anybody here is upset or threatened by the OP? I, for one, am just amused.

The term 'sheep' suggests people just wander into suburbia without thinking? I'm not sure if you live in the South East OP, but do you know how unobtainable a big detached house actually is there- you can't just find yourself in one by accident!

I certainly didn't end up in a quiet village by accident. I chose it. I want it. I LIKE it. We moved across the country to be able to get it. No sheep behaviour here- active choice. Sorry I terrify you OP.

Hey, recently here in Ireland there was a case of a man, an architect, who lived in a house much like you describe with his wife and two kids, whose hobby was flying mobile planes.

Oh, and seeking out vulnerable women online who would allow him to stab them with knives during sex and with whom he could enact rape and murder fantasies and role plays as master and slave, leading inexorably and inevitably to the murder of a partner on the day she was released from psychiatric hospital.

Edgy enough for you? You really can't tell what's going on in people's lives or their deepest desires and aspirations based on the outward trappings of their lives. It tells you diddly squat about who they really are.

For years I lived in a bedsit by myself. I had no bed because I had to choose between that and storing my two beloved bicycles. I slept on the floor. I was quite miserable.

Now I live in a flat with my DP with a little back garden and we go camping every now and again and cycling to nice places and I am so much happier.

Stability and space are good. As is owning the right kind of stuff. Deliberately rejecting the trappings of modern life is not. It's important to have a base where you feel happy and secure.

This thread makes no sense without knowing what you DO think we all should want OP. I feel cheated.

Ah but she can't tell us because that would be 'baring her soul' and despite posting something goady in aibu she's scared of people's reactions!

The OP is still making an awful lot of assumptions here.

I have called you a special snowflake but it's most certainly not because you've insulted my own personal suburban dream

I've never lived in the suburbs in my life!