To not understand suburban/domestic bliss

[saltnpepa]

I am beginning to wonder if I am the only person that doesn't aspire to the suburban/domestic dream of a detached modern house with a double garage, manicured lawn and 2 weeks a year in Tenerife. It seems adverts on TV and pretty much everywhere sell this dream, this image of modern family life, but it leaves me cold at best and fills me with dread at worst. Surely there's more to life than that?

I'm wondering exactly how "edgy" a mumsnetter can be!

I'm not upset or threatened at all. In my experience, the more alternative people say they are, the more conventional they actually are - just following different conventions. Hence my musings about blue hair and quotation tattoos. A lot of people lead lives of fascinating diversity- they just don't feel the need to wear it on their sleeves.

And a lot of people lead lives of contented conventionality.

When I used to feel like this - I was a teenager, mind you - I would think:

Why don't they go and help unprivileged people? - not realising that there were people fostering, adopting, working in medicine, education, charities, donating, all around me.

And why don't they do something arty or creative? Again not realising that many people had hobbies or professions they enjoyed, evening classes are full, am dram is popular etc etc.

or why don't they travel? Not realising that many of us had, still do, and that in the words of stevie wonder 'people are the same wherever you go'

or why don't they all have sex with whoever they want, not realising that there is plenty of swinging, affairs in suburbia too, or many people had done all that when they were younger and just want to see a friendly face in bed.

The ops comments were dismissive and I eagerly await her superior plans for living.

I aspired to stability, security and happiness for my children. Now that they are older I continue to aspire to stability, security and happiness for them and for myself. I've lived in seven countries on three continents and probably packed more into my young life before having children than most 'sheeple' (what a horrible term, by the way. Sharing human fundamentals such as security in numbers and wanting a secure income and a safe place to live don't seem such bad values to me!) could ever conceive of. Much of it not my choice, actually. Which probably goes a long way to explaining why I made sure both my children stayed at the same primary school and secondary school throughout.

I'm really not sneering at you because you've insulted my lifestyle - I'm quite secure enough in myself and in the choices I've made to take the idea that somewhere in the world there might be some people who don't want the same version of comfortable life that I want. I'm simply pointing out that there's nothing new under the Sun and your attitude that you're somehow living some hugely revolutionary and challenging existence because you don't want to live in the suburbs is a little misguided.

I grew up living the suburban dream you describe OP. My parents were immigrants here, they earned well, loved living the "quintessential suburban English good life". I hated it (too boring) but they were very contented and happy.

I'm much more content living in hectic, culture-rich, diverse London with my DH and DD.

I think this thread illustrates my point, those who have lived their own visions are accepting that we all choose different ways of life and many of those who are living the suburban dream are threatened and upset by anyone questioning it, hence I am a special snowflake etc.

I've already said I'm not living the suburban dream, I just think you sound condescending.

But to be honest I think the main thrust of what you're actually saying has been lost somewhat in the understandable reaction to a rather crudely conceived world view and the resultant quite irritating OP. It sounds like you and your DH are at different phases in life just now, or perhaps have quite different make-ups altogether when it comes to what you each want out of life. Like I said earlier, you don't need to feel as if suburbia is something you should want.

Maybe it isn't enough for you right now but don't be surprised if it changes down the line. Or maybe you'll always feel restless. Maybe you're one of the many, many people (see, not that unique, really) who quite reasonably prefer the city life. I'm a bit like that. Or it could turn out that actually it's not about the suburbs at all but more about the 'next stage in life' that your DH might be moving toward psychologically, and maybe that's what actually scares you. Who knows. Does he want children and a dog and is this what your struggle is actually about? Or is it just an age thing? It's very hard to actually comment when we don't know anything about you.

Anybody can be wild and free and edgy before they have commitments to other people. It's a bit trickier when you have e.g. a 13 year old who plays a sport to a high level every weekend and a 10 year old with an SEN who needs to get a place at a specific secondary school.

'Suburban' living is a symptom rather than a cause of people choosing settled, stable lives.

1000 years ago people settled in the village where they could feed their family and obtain protection for the same reasons.

had chic townhouses in nice parts of the city with lots of amenities nearby.

It really is horses for courses. That is my idea of HELL. The thought of living in a city, attached to others, over looked with no sky above me makes me feel ill.

Thank goodness we are all different!!!

Having "lived" when I was younger, I've come to the conclusion that is the people you live near and with, that are important. The actual place is irrelevant.

When I was younger, I lived in the present. I did what I wanted to do and what I could afford, there and then. It was was fun. I had no roots.

As I matured and met DH and had children, I became less selfish. I wanted a good house, good schools and a nice community where the kids could play safely and I could drink wine with like minded neighbours. We bought a house similar to the ops description on a naice estate. We could have bought a nicer house somewhere more idyllic, but we wanted spare money for pensions, insurances, savings etc, because now I don't live in the present. I want to secure our, and the children's futures too.

I could have worked full time to fund a bigger house or so that we could have more exotic holidays and a more exciting lifestyle, but time to me is more important than more material trappings. I'm not ambitious so don't have that to worry about. Fortunately DH is, so that enables us to live the "dream". He would work even if we won the lottery. Tbh even if we did win the lottery I wouldn't change much.

I'm lucky I have choices. I don't feel sorry for the people you describe in your op. They have made those choices. I feel sorry for those people who have no choices. The people who are stuck in situations they can't change, through no fault of their own.

And I agree with the pp who said that true happiness is being content with what you have (as long as basic needs are covered) Always aspiring to more, is a recipe for unhappiness. People and relationships are more important than places and things.

I had more fun when I was younger. That has been replaced by contentment. I can't ask for more.

In fairness to the OP she herself hasn't actually used the term 'sheeple'.

And anyway humans are herd animals! So I don't mind being described as a sheeple.

A teenager spends loads of time and money trying to be exactly the same as each other - except the op of course, who I expect was very "alternative".

I think this thread illustrates my point, those who have lived their own visions are accepting that we all choose different ways of life and many of those who are living the suburban dream are threatened and upset by anyone questioning it, hence I am a special snowflake etc.

That is right - they are all middle aged & boring & threatened by your edginess

I found it easier to do when the kids are younger .
As they get older ( mid- teen) I think the city would suit us better.
If we could afford to move in I would.
I never fully subscribed to it ,
I am allergic to package holidays &
Avoid street family days

Well I'd probably prefer to live in a country pile in Tuscany. But in the absence of three million - what ya gonna do?

I live in Tenerife.

I'm fucked, aren't I?

Depends on your lawn, el q

I was just going to say what Holger said - OP, I think your problem is not with suburbia but with your DH.

It's not for me to tell you what to do about that, but, as others have already pointed out, when you have committed relationships/responsibilites, a bit of mature compromise is often essential.

Possibly, your scorn and dread are really directed at your DH's preferences, not at the rest of the world or other Mumsnetters, but, even so, it's not usually very constructive to think in stereotypes.

I thought the same as the OP. Now I have that life and I much prefer it. Although we can't afford a holiday this year or last year (maternity leave) when we do go on holiday, we go to different "off the beaten track" places each time.

I know what you mean OP but I don't have the money to do what I would love to do - travel extensively for years but in luxury. Not in some manky hostel. I'm not in my teens anymore.

Besides, if everyone apart from op lived the suburban dream/was desperate to, wouldn't London and all the other major cities be much cheaper to live in? Wouldn't exotic holidays be practically given away whilst everyone else flocked to Tenerife?

The OP hasn't really 'said' anything though has she .

There is interesting and dull in every area wherever and whoever you are, anyone that thinks otherwise spends too much time fascinated by their own navel.

Are you Paul Weller when he was 17, OP?

Yawn. OP you need a time machine to go back 50 years when this was new and interesting thinking.