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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand suburban/domestic bliss

316 replies

saltnpepa · 08/04/2015 19:32

I am beginning to wonder if I am the only person that doesn't aspire to the suburban/domestic dream of a detached modern house with a double garage, manicured lawn and 2 weeks a year in Tenerife. It seems adverts on TV and pretty much everywhere sell this dream, this image of modern family life, but it leaves me cold at best and fills me with dread at worst. Surely there's more to life than that?

OP posts:
squoosh · 08/04/2015 23:03

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time OP. You say you're teetering on the brink of a suburban lifestyle and it terrifies you. I don't see why anyone would be offended by that.

Lots of people get sucked into the suburban lifestyle as it's the sensible and grown up thing to do. They may grow to love it, they may grow to hate it. But there's nothing wrong with being scared of that sensible middle aged life and wondering if it means you'll then be in free-fall to a life made up of garden centres visits and neighbourhood watch meetings.

IfYouWereARiverIdLearnToFloat · 08/04/2015 23:21

I don't give a crap whether people think I'm exceptionally boring or wildly interesting.

I used to say I'd never get married - the idea terrified me but here I am shacked up with DH & an estate car parked outside. I'm happy... surely that's all any of us wants so whether we're having two weeks in Tenerife or trecking in the Bolivian jungle, living in a shepherd hut or a 3 bed detached in suburbia we're all doing it for the same reasons.

When you don't have the luxury to make choices for yourself - that's what's terrifying. If you don't like what your facing then change it OP.

Sexyhouseslippers · 08/04/2015 23:23

I don't know why people are being critical of the OP. I have read many threads on MN where the OP is living a suburban life but their DH is cheating on them or abusing them and they are miserable. I don't aspire to the suburban life My kids are clothed and feed well and are fine. Other posters are being snobby, but most of you just have no identity like sheeps.

hobNong · 08/04/2015 23:28

I don't think it's fear of the suburban lifestyle that's the offensive part, it's more the sneering attitude towards those who could only dream of living in a detached house with a manicured lawn and double garage and to be able to afford a holiday every year. I'm in a tiny flat, no lawn, no garage, no garden. I don't envy the op, but I don't like the attitude that was coming across.

If she said, 'I'm about to start living this lifestyle and it scares me because XYZ', that would have been taken better. Instead of the 'I'm so unique and special, everyone else is boring and wants ordinary things and I'm the only one able to see above that.' type of attitude. I am in a bit of a grumpy mood though. Grin

Sexyhouseslippers · 08/04/2015 23:34

I don't see what is wrong with OP fearing the suburban lifestyle, potential issues could arise people have fears in life but that doesn't mean we should ridiculed them...

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2015 23:40

It's the 'oh I couldn't possibly be content with that life of utter tedium the masses aspire to; I'm such a special, edgy, interesting snowflake who needs so much more from life!' shtick that people are objecting to, I should think. It's quite silly and naïve - feels a bit like talking to someone who's one term into their first year of a philosophy degree and thinks their quite average ruminations are highly original.

Nothing at all against the OP, though.

UterusUterusGhali · 08/04/2015 23:46

Nobody wants that shit. That's why they Move to the sticks and price the locals out.

Tis natures way. Hmm

Sexyhouseslippers · 08/04/2015 23:48

That how the OP feels I don't see why some of you are trying to make her look guilty. If the OP wants to do something diffrent or feels quirky etc I don't see how it would harm you. The typical SAHM suburban lifestyle is boring to loads of people.

squoosh · 08/04/2015 23:50

The term 'special snowflake' has been used far too much on this thread. I'm a bit baffled at all the snippy replies the OP has provoked. You'd swear she'd insulted the Suburbia Gods by pissing in their garden pond or on their privet hedge.

hobNong · 08/04/2015 23:52

Lots of people, including me, have said it is not the fear of the suburban lifestyle that was the issue. It was the insinuation that the rest of us sheeple, either have, or desperately aspire to have that lifestyle and that we are fools for doing so.

Khalinda · 08/04/2015 23:53

I think I know exactly how you feel OP. I remember being in my teens and seeing family members getting married and living in "nice" (boring) houses. I was terrified. I still feel like that.

I haven't read all the replies (got bored) but you're being harangued (which kind of goes to prove your point!)

I'm not going to tell you my life story but I'm now 40+ and have managed to avoid the domesticity that I was so scared of. Have spent years traveling and living overseas and have just come back to the UK within past year and bought a place. Married (unconventionally) of course (that's another story). I'm very lucky that my DH and I both know that we can give it all up here and set off again overseas if we want to (and we probably will). Keeping that sense of freedom, for me, is very important.

When I come back from a long stay abroad I always seem to get that sense of dread again and I think it's something to do with the fact that all my friends and family are doing exactly the same as they did when I left x years ago.

It took me a long time to realise that we all have different aspirations and vive la difference!

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2015 23:55

OP, if you are frightened of settling down then you're not ready for it and it's not the right thing for you. If you don't want suburban bliss no one is making you take it! Especially if you are young and without dependents, go for the things you actually want (or think you want). Domesticity will wait.

Just don't make the mistake of believing that you are hugely unique and one in a billion. You're not, and you'll be better off in the long run for finding your connection with others in the fundamentals of the human experience rather than imagining you're on a different plane.

Hakluyt · 08/04/2015 23:57

Kate Aldridge, is that you?

Sexyhouseslippers · 08/04/2015 23:58

OP is right in some aspects though mumsnet has many people who are steeple and I cring at some of you.

Sexyhouseslippers · 08/04/2015 23:58

Sheeple

Gralick · 09/04/2015 00:01

We are both fully aware that there is more to life than the lawn. There's the hanging baskets to think of, too.

I want to give this a Grin but I guess Flowers are more appropriate!

Hakluyt · 09/04/2015 00:02

I might cring too if I knew what it meant...........

Sexyhouseslippers · 09/04/2015 00:05

IF you knew what what meant....

Hakluyt · 09/04/2015 00:08

I am psychic.
The op has blue, purple or pink hair, at least one tattoo which is a quotation, at least 3 holes in at least 1 ear. She has at least 1 food intolerance, and believes in energy fields- possibly chakras. She has at least 1 pair of doc Martens.

Hakluyt · 09/04/2015 00:10

Cring. Is it something to do with being a sheeple? What do sheeple do?

UngratefulMoo · 09/04/2015 00:10

OP, I do see what you're trying to say, but I think you're missing the point. I have lived in Central London for 15 years, travelled round the world and done some fairly outrageous things.

Approaching 40 I now find myself lucky enough to be happily married, with a wonderful child, a career I love and a supportive family. But living in London is starting to be an obstacle to enjoying all those blessings and a big part of me is starting to think, 'Oooh, wouldn't it be nice to have a nice detached house with a double garage and a tidy lawn so I can enjoy the time I have with my family.' I don't aspire to those things per se, but because I feel they could make my life easier and more relaxing (maybe?)

Sexyhouseslippers · 09/04/2015 00:16

I was supposed to write cringe it was blatantly obvious. Sheeple is sheep like people.

Hakluyt · 09/04/2015 00:22

What does a sheeple do?

Oh and I bet the OP says she's wierd all the time too....,,...

ladygaga1980 · 09/04/2015 00:23

op I totally know what you mean. I grew up in the suburbs and it represents to me is an unhappy compromise (i.e. between city amenities and rural/green space). It was also culturally and ethnically very bland and homogeneous.

I am considered odd for wanting to live in the city centre and not a brookside estate (if these still exist). There is a lot of unspoken pressure especially once you have kids. And you feel safer with certain areas/schools etc. But in geography/social science terms the middle class flight to the suburbs creates spacial inequality and ghettos (indirectly). So again it is a trade off between safety and homogeneity.

I am a special snowflake no doubt as I live in a city centre flat. I can pop to any number of cultural venues any night of the week. My neighbours are from all walks of life/nationalities. There are artists and accountants in my building. I don't need a car and can walk to work and take my dog out at lunch time.

It's kind of amazing, but I sometimes feel that I am not a 'proper adult' if you know what I mean?

However as some have said, what you are discussing is a first world problem so you should probably stfu... Or something...Smile

ladygaga1980 · 09/04/2015 00:26

Also the film/book revolutionary road touched upon a lot of these things and you might be interested in exploring that.