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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Diet. Am I being precious/sensitive? *possible triggers

94 replies

TubeMouse · 07/04/2015 15:12

My boyfriend of almost a year has embarked on a new fitness/healthy eating regime. He is ever so slightly overweight and although it doesn't bother me at all I support the fact that he would like to slim down a bit.

The problem is, he has downloaded this app on his phone that tracks his calories in/out, what he'd have to do to burn more off etc.

I am a recovering anorexic. I haven't been ill for nearly five years now, and although my weight is probably at the lower end of 'normal' for my height it took a long time to get here and for the most part, I have a good relationship towards food.

I'm starting to really find it quite challenging the way my boyfriend is constantly talking about calories. I already know the calorie content of absolutely everything and he remarked that it was 'cool' that I could reel off this information on demand. He stayed over at mine at the weekend and I offered him a (grilled, lean meat) bacon sandwich. He started going on about how much fat and calories that would entail. I wasn't comfortable eating one after that, and felt a bit self conscious for the rest of the day with what I was putting in my mouth.

I know for me that thinking about calories and weight is a slippery slope before all the old feelings come back again . I don't weigh myself for example as I start to obsess about the numbers quite quickly.

My boyfriend knows I spent a lot of time being treated for an eating disorder. After an entire day of him calorie counting (his and mine) I did say can we not talk about it anymore although I really do support him as I don't want to go down that road again. He told me I was being selfish and really unsupportive.

So am I? Am I being totally precious? Would really appreciate some perspective.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 07/04/2015 15:18

Nope. He is being massively thoughtless and selfish.
He doesn't need to share all his calorie counting with you in order to lose weight. He is risking your mental and physical health .
I'm glad you had the guts to tell him to shut up!
Stick to your guns. You're happy to support his choices. You can celebrate his success but you don't need to be told all the nitty gritty or be made to feel bad for perfectly normal, healthy food choices for yourself.

MissMuesli · 07/04/2015 15:19

First of all listening to anyone talk about dieting is often quite boring, so your bf is being unreasonable in that respect. But I think he is being massively insensitive and missing the point by going on even when you have talked to him.

Your eating disorder is under control (well done by the way) but it sounds like you haven't fully managed to "beat" it and could easily relapse. It's an ongoing process and your boyfriend should be supportive.

You should support him but the constant calorie counting doesn't need to be shared with you and done outloud. So no I don't think you are being unreasonable or previous!

Smartiepants79 · 07/04/2015 15:19

Have you made it very clear what the potential Impact might be on you?
How serious an illness it can be?

Indomitable · 07/04/2015 15:20

YANBU

It's unfair and insensitive in your particular situation. And in general a complete bore.

IMO it's a slippery slope for anyone to count calories, and undermines efforts for a long-term sustainably healthy lifestyle.

shewept · 07/04/2015 15:21

He is being insensitive. I know he knows about your past, but how much does he know about ED in general. He may not realise how hard it is even though you have been well for a long time. Maybe he needs to be told to look into it further to get some perspective.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 15:21

He is the one being unsupportive and selfish.

He certainly doesn't need to be counting your calories, what's that all about?

shewept · 07/04/2015 15:22

Oh and yes...it a complete bore to listen to this all day everyday. I use myfitness pal everyday. Never discuss it with dh or talk about calories. I am either eating it or not. He doesn't need to know the ins and outs.

MrsPMT · 07/04/2015 15:22

YAAbsolutelyNotBU, he is being very selfish.

I have slight 'issues' with food (eating disorder in my teens) and my DP (having recently had to lose weight for health reasons) often gets caught up in calories etc/diet talk. If I say to him I'd rather he didn't go on about that he is v supportive and tries to keep it to a minimum.

Also, anyone with a partner on a diet knows how boring it can be to go on about dieting anyway [yawn]

Hope you can get him to be more understanding.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 07/04/2015 15:26

Not only is he being massively insensitive towards you, he's also being a massive diet bore. Maybe he still sees it all as a novelty, but he needs to be told that having to listen to a regular run-down of someone else's dietary intake is hugely dull. And counting the other person's calories for them is inteusive, rude and, as you've noticed, potentially damaging.
You're not being precious at all.

Notmeagain1 · 07/04/2015 15:29

You are not the unreasonable one her you BF is. I hope every time he starts talking about it, you leave the room and explain you dont want to hear it.

I currently have anorexia and trying to recover and it kills me to be told to just eat more. If it were that simple I would. Stay strong and congratulations on your 5 year remarkable recovery.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 15:31

At best, he's being spectacularly insensitive, and a diet bore. A cynic might say he's enjoying making you uncomfortable. Is he usually a total arse? Or is he generally supportive? Does he know he is pishing you towards that slippery slope?

SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2015 15:31

It's not remotely 'unsupportive' of you not to want to listen to his diet details as it's a really, really fucking tedious topic of conversation. He is being selfish and insensitive, particularly as he knows you have had an eating disorder in the past and are therefore more likely to find such talk upsetting.
I would suggest you have a good think about the boyfriend's behaviour generally: is he normally inclined to behave as though his wishes, feelings and interests matter more than yours? Unfortunately quite a lot of men do have a fairly profound conviction that women are just sort of not-quite-human, and their female partners exist for the man's benefit and not vice versa. A year or so into a relationship is sometimes when this type of attitude will show up.

Of course, it could also be true (if he is lovely in every other respect) that he is being blinkered, as a fitness regime or diet is like a new hobby in that it can be a bit all-consuming and obsessive.

My inclination (because I am quite a bitch) would be to find some stuff about eating disorders in men, and get him to read it, and put the frighteners on him a bit. But this may not be the best thing for you to do because of triggers.

imonkey · 07/04/2015 15:58

You're definitely not being sensitive; your bf's behaviour is completely unacceptable. It's absolutely out of order for him to point out how many calories you've consumed; he's either a bit dim and completely unaware of his actions or as Telephone says he's knowingly trying to push buttons.

If it continues and he genuinely can't comprehend your point of view then he's an idiot and not worth staying with, you deserve someone who will support you!

blankgaze · 07/04/2015 18:45

Mouse

He's being either totally insensitive or he's goading. Either way, spell it out to him and tell him it stops now or he's not part of your life any more.

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2015 19:10

Would he constantly talk about the joys of alcohol to a recovering alcoholic? Or drag a gambling addict into a casino? I suspect not.

Boringness aside, he's being an idiot.

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2015 19:11

And well done for your recovery, don't let this bloke endanger it.

Totality22 · 07/04/2015 19:33

Just to echo everyone else.... BF is being a dick!

How are things now? IE what happened after he told you that you are being selfish and unsupportive?

Unless he massively improves his behaviour about this he needs to be kicked to the kerb i'm afraid.

weaselwords · 07/04/2015 19:39

You've had to fight really hard to get to where you are now and he is being massively insensitive.

Original poster

TubeMouse · 07/04/2015 19:42

We had a big row about it this earlier this evening. He 'phoned and started talking about how well he has been doing today re calorie intake asked if he could hear what I'd had to eat to compare it. I said absolutely not and he's really upsetting me and making me think about things that I fight very hard not to so I stay healthy. He says I'm childish, I'm trying to make things all about me and that I clearly don't want him to be successful in becoming fitter.

He says that I obviously 'over indulged' today if I'm not prepared to 'confess' what I've eaten.

This has come out of nowhere. I'm so shocked he's behaving like this.

Thank you for all your lovely words.

OP posts:

GhettoFabulous · 07/04/2015 19:45

What a bellend.

MaudGonneAway · 07/04/2015 19:46

In no way are you being selfish, OP. He's being a born-again diet evangelist with breathtaking disregard for the mental health of someone he is supposed to love. Make it clear that his quest for the body beautiful, however laudable, is not a general household concern, and that he should keep his calorie counting to himself in future, because not only is precisely no one other than him interested in his diet, it is actively putting your well-being at risk.

TheCowThatLaughs · 07/04/2015 19:46

He sounds like he's trying to make you ill

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 07/04/2015 19:46

Bloody hell, mouse!! I rarely read a post that makes me spit feathers, but in your case I can absolutely sympathise (been there, done that with the obsessive weight loss etc ). He is being an absolute dick!! I'm raging for you

KittyandTeal · 07/04/2015 19:48

Bloody hell, no,mayor are not being precious.

He may not realise just what a challenge having a healthy lifestyle is and having to work so bloody hard at your relationship with food (I'm also recovering from EDNOS)

Maybe you need to spell it out for him a bit more.

I struggle being around people who talk about food, weight and calories excessively. It's starts me off on my obsessive counting again.

He might think it's cool knowing the calorie content of everything but it's not really is it, it's bloody hard work having to remember them all, recall it and add it all up. Then work equally hard on trying desperately not to care about it when you're recovering.

I'd say he's being an arse but he probably hasn't put 2 and 2 together and worked out the impact this has on you.

ChopperGordino · 07/04/2015 19:48

I have a similar history to you and would struggle enormously. I have to tune out of colleagues' conversations about their diets so I can't imagine how difficult it must be having it in your home too. YANBU

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