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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Diet. Am I being precious/sensitive? *possible triggers

94 replies

TubeMouse · 07/04/2015 15:12

My boyfriend of almost a year has embarked on a new fitness/healthy eating regime. He is ever so slightly overweight and although it doesn't bother me at all I support the fact that he would like to slim down a bit.

The problem is, he has downloaded this app on his phone that tracks his calories in/out, what he'd have to do to burn more off etc.

I am a recovering anorexic. I haven't been ill for nearly five years now, and although my weight is probably at the lower end of 'normal' for my height it took a long time to get here and for the most part, I have a good relationship towards food.

I'm starting to really find it quite challenging the way my boyfriend is constantly talking about calories. I already know the calorie content of absolutely everything and he remarked that it was 'cool' that I could reel off this information on demand. He stayed over at mine at the weekend and I offered him a (grilled, lean meat) bacon sandwich. He started going on about how much fat and calories that would entail. I wasn't comfortable eating one after that, and felt a bit self conscious for the rest of the day with what I was putting in my mouth.

I know for me that thinking about calories and weight is a slippery slope before all the old feelings come back again . I don't weigh myself for example as I start to obsess about the numbers quite quickly.

My boyfriend knows I spent a lot of time being treated for an eating disorder. After an entire day of him calorie counting (his and mine) I did say can we not talk about it anymore although I really do support him as I don't want to go down that road again. He told me I was being selfish and really unsupportive.

So am I? Am I being totally precious? Would really appreciate some perspective.

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2015 19:51

He says that I obviously 'over indulged' today if I'm not prepared to 'confess' what I've eaten

You don't need this. Or him.

KittyandTeal · 07/04/2015 19:53

Ok just read your update.

Your bf is a gigantic nob.

How horrendous to tell a recovering anorexic they have over indulged today but won't confess.

I'd be tempted to get her a whole bunch on info on anorexia and recovery, tell him to read it and not bother contacting me until he had.

And that he was never to make reference to calories or what either of you are eating again.

It's hard enough battling against yourself, let alone someone helping that awful nagging voice inside.

MaudGonneAway · 07/04/2015 19:55

Jesus, Mouse, your update is making me want to throttle this idiot. After these unsavoury revelations, is this a relationship you want to keep? Can he really think his need to make you participate in his new 'hobby' is more important than your mental health?

HumphreyCobbler · 07/04/2015 19:57

Jesus, it sounds as if he is trying to set you back. What a complete arse. How DARE he talk to you of over indulging? I am feeling very angry on your behalf.

HumphreyCobbler · 07/04/2015 19:59

It should be obvious to anyone that what YOU have eaten has no bearing at all on what he has eaten and if it will help him to lose weight. The fact that he is choosing to view the situation in this way is very worrying.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 07/04/2015 20:04

Mouse, you are NOT being childish. You are absuloutely not being selfish and unsupportive- that's him.

The fact that he asked to know what you ate, to 'compare'... this is very odd, unpleasant and bad for you (especially), and rude and inappropriate for anyone.

I (kind of) hope that his comments and attitude come from a place of total insensitivity and selfishness, because the alternative is that he's playing really horrible mind games...

I'm guessing that he has absolutely no clue as to how triggering and potentially very damaging his insensitive comments and whole attitude is at the moment. I'm also guessing that he doesn't realise quite how serious having anorexia is, or how ill you might have been, or perhaps he simply doesn't 'get' that recovery can be fragile, and needs to be maintained very, very carefully.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. He is being awful. It's not you, it's him. I'm trying to think of a way that you can deal with his behaviour. Is it possible to write him a letter, so that it's there in black and white, what you wrote in your OP, perhaps elaborating a little (if it's not too hard), on how ill you were, how you're much better now, and how you absolutely don't want to be ill again? (It shouldn't have had to come to this btw, but I'm guessing that he has no real clue as to how very insensitive and selfish he is being).

I'm also wondering, up to now, has he had no real inking of what you go through in order to maintain your recovery? Maybe he believes that you're all better now, and that there's no 'slippery slope' at all, if so, he needs to be educated. It's awful for you though that you're in the position of having to tell him all this, I'm angry for you. Stay strong, you are NOT in the wrong. He is.

HolgerDanske · 07/04/2015 20:05

Wow he's being extremely dense and unforgivably self-centred. I can only imagine that he hasn't a clue about just how dangerous a slippery slope this could be for you, and so he hasn't made the connection. He clearly needs it spelling out to him, so I'd tell him to go away and do some proper reading on anorexia and come back when he realises what an idiot he's been. Seriously he needs to sort himself out!

He is definitely in the wrong and YADNBU!

SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2015 20:06

Dump him. Really, dump him tonight. This isn't just insensitivity, it isn't just selfishness, this man is abusive. Sorry but all the alarm bells are ringing and the red flags are waving. Abusive men like vulnerability, they like knowing weak spots and once they have found a weak spot, they start pushing. This is what he is doing.
Even if he is getting a bit hung up on his own health, the fact that you have told him his talk about food is distressing for you, and why, would mean a decent man stopped discussing his health plan with you. A man who not only persists in talking about it but who actively pressures you to monitor your own eating habits when he has been told how potentially dangerous that could be is a man who intends to do you harm. He wants you scared, guilty, unhappy and always on the back foot.

Please do just dump. No relationship is worth this level of risk (and I bet if you consider it, you will find several previous examples of him overriding your wishes and insisting on getting his own way on a variety of issues.)

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/04/2015 20:07

He's either spectacularly, spectacularly thick or he's trying to make you ill.

Whichever it is, why would you want to stay with him?

HolgerDanske · 07/04/2015 20:09

Ok just read update.

I too hope he is 'just' unbelievably stupid. Otherwise he is being purposely damaging to your health and well being.

You don't need this. Tell him to STFU (properly!) or leave you well alone for good. I too agree with others that this is a deal breaker. He either needs to educate himself real quick or he needs to be dumped

HolgerDanske · 07/04/2015 20:11

Actually I agree with SGB. I've most likely been way too generous toward him. It's not a risk worth taking.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2015 20:11

I agree he is being massively inconsiderate and selfish to go on about calories and losing weight when he knows you have had a serious eating disorder in the past.

AyeAmarok · 07/04/2015 20:17

Oh my, no you are definitely not being unreasonable. He is being very selfish, inconsiderate, and bordering on abusive, actually.

Its like he needs to beat you. Why? Insecurity on his part.

Just say you have no interest in calorie counting. You don't need to as you are a healthy weight.

And well done on getting to grips with your ED OP

EdithDickie · 07/04/2015 20:17

What SolidGold saying. It's not you. It's him. He sounds beyond awful.

Pastaagain78 · 07/04/2015 20:23

YANBU, he is being a knob. You are trying to be responsible for your health. You are absolutely in the right.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 07/04/2015 20:23

I now think I was too generous in my post (to him). You should NOT have the unpleasant/ possibly very triggering responsibility to educate him. I echo Holger's statement. It's not a risk worth taking.

I'm so sorry, but I think SGB is right. Don't risk your health by being with him.

anothernumberone · 07/04/2015 20:27

Yes Solidgold is talking sense. I was just thinking how risky his behaviour was from your perspective and if you had said it was any other addictive type of behaviour like drink or drugs I would be suggesting running for the hills. solids post is emphasising how sinister his behaviour can be interpreted and it really makes sense. Even if it is not the case that the behaviour is a slippery slope to a use this man is clearly behaving in a reckless manner with your health and in that basis alone you need to reevaluate the whole thing.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 07/04/2015 20:34

Tell him you have worked out a way he can lose x stone overnight - by you giving him his marching orders. He is being a prick. Take care of yourself.

TheAssassinsGuild · 07/04/2015 20:36

He is being massively and shockingly unreasonable. The most important thing is that you protect your health. If he is a threat to that, then frankly LTB.

cheminotte · 07/04/2015 20:37

Totally agree with SGB . He doesn't care what effect it has on you.

TheAssassinsGuild · 07/04/2015 20:38

Just read SGB's post. She is spot on.

Original poster

TubeMouse · 07/04/2015 20:43

I feel wretched. He's really put me in quite a low mood.

And yes, if I think about hard, there HAVE been other occasions where he has sort of tried to exert some control over me. Such as being late to my birthday drinks because he was sulking that I'd arranged it at the same time as a rugby match was on tv without realising. I said to watch the game and come after, but he was very, very late and it felt like he was trying to punish me and he had me near tears on the phone because I'd rang him to ask why he wasn't there. It was really embarrassing in front of my friends and family.

Things have to be done to suit his schedule, not mine, apparently because he is older and has a more stressful job (even though I regularly work a fifty hour week in a quite a pressured environment)

There's been other, little things but i suppose I never put them together until now.

I tried to explain to him how a recovering anorexic feels when faced with talk about food intake and calories etc and even though Im outwardly better, I have to fight to keep the thoughts away. He said I shouldn't feel the need to milk it, and if I say I'm recovered I can't go back on it when it suits me.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 07/04/2015 20:47

Oh my God, Mouse, that is a really horrible thing he has said to you.

Can't go back and milk it when it suits you He is a truly rotten man. What a fucking twat.

DTF.

WireCat · 07/04/2015 20:48

Dump him. He is awful.

Well done on overcoming your ED. Don't let him push you back towards it. You're better than that.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 07/04/2015 20:48

I tried to explain to him how a recovering anorexic feels when faced with talk about food intake and calories etc and even though Im outwardly better, I have to fight to keep the thoughts away. This should be enough for him to get the message. I'm horrified that he hasn't.

He said I shouldn't feel the need to milk it, and if I say I'm recovered I can't go back on it when it suits me. Unbelievably nasty.

I'm very sorry. He sounds very cruel and selfish.

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