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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a couple of hours alone to cry and sleep?

78 replies

namechanged1459 · 06/04/2015 15:35

I have a 23mo, twins on the way and work full time. My husband doesn't seem to understand how exhausting this combination is.

This weekend I decided that, since he wasn't getting the hint, I was going to put my foot down and send him downstairs with DS on Sat morning so I could have a sleep in. After lying there for 20 mins listening to him tell off DS and the dog for various trivial things I decided to get up and hope for a sleep in on Sunday. H decided on Saturday afternoon that DS was 'getting on his nerves' because he was acting up (typical toddler behavior, lots of 'no' and 'mine', nothing actually naughty) so went to the pub to escape for a few hours.
Sunday came and it ended up that I was up with DS at the crank of dawn, while H slept until 9am then laid watching Top Gear re-runs on TV until 10:30. Later on in the afternoon I tried to escape for a nice warm bath while DS had his nap, but he woke after about 15mins and H sent him upstairs to find me.
Monday morning, we both got up with DS and H did some house work while I entertained DS, complained that I'd not helped, then once again pissed off to the pub (to watch the football team that I support and he doesn't!!) leaving me to look after a grumpy toddler who is crying for his daddy.
I really just want an hours peace. My hormones are all over, I'm exhausted, I need a cup of tea (that's still warm when I get round to drinking it) and chance to just cry!

If only mummies could escape to the pub too!! Sorry, rant over!

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 06/04/2015 15:38

Next weekend I would be booking myself into a nice hotel and leave him to get on with it. Flowers Brew

eurochick · 06/04/2015 15:39

Your husband is being a twat. Mummies can escape to the pub. Call friend. Leave house. Leave him to it!

sosix · 06/04/2015 15:39

Why cant't mums escape to the pub?Confused

googoodolly · 06/04/2015 15:39

You can escape! Get up early, leave DS in bed with daddy and go out!

TheBitterBoy · 06/04/2015 15:40

Have you actually said any of this to DH? In my experience many men need telling, and once they are told will realise they could be doing more. Obviously if you have had a conversation already, now is the time to spell out your needs in words of one syllable.

AnxiousWreck · 06/04/2015 15:41

Mummies can escape to the pub too.

But your DH is being a knob, and you are letting him.

It won't help to say now that you shouldn't have gone down on Saturday morning, you should have left them to it - he moaned and got out of it, which is what he wanted. And he's spent the rest of the weekend being selfish, too.

If you call and ask him to come home, will he be in a decent state to look after DS? If not, you might need to make the best of it and try and settle DS with a DVD or something, and a serious talk with DH later. If he will, call him back and tell him you need to go out for a while.

He needs to learn to pull his wait now or you will soon have four children to look after, three of whom won't be able to do any better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2015 15:41

Of course you can escape. The pub is fine but so are; cafes; friends' houses; nails places; the dreaded spa; restaurant; museum; library; shops.

Just do it.

comedancing · 06/04/2015 15:43

Noticed every time he went to the pub he complained first. That's an old trick so he can justify to himself going off...he is being very selfish and sounds a bit too fond of the pub. Hope this changes with your twins as you will need two pair of hands at all time

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 15:45

I want to cry just reading your post.

sosix · 06/04/2015 15:50

Op, you need to sort this out now. Talk to him. Your pregnant (twins!) your needs outstrip his right now. I'd be baggsying as many lie ins as possible! As you have a toddler really he should be taking the tot were ever he goes on days off, so if he wants a pint, take little one etc.

Stand up for yourself women!!! He wont have time for the pub with a 2 year old and nb twins!

Original poster
namechanged1459 · 06/04/2015 15:56

I'm so fed up! I don't know what's going on with him.
I have tried so hard to explain to him that chasing after a very active toddler and trying to entertain him on no sleep (he still wakes during the night) is far more mentally and physically taxing than hoovering/laundry, but he just doesn't get it.
He's also started saying 'you'd better get used to it, there'll be 3 of them soon' when ever I ask for his help with something for DS. :-(

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 06/04/2015 16:00

He's also started saying 'you'd better get used to it, there'll be 3 of them soon' when ever I ask for his help with something for DS

What an utterly twatish thing to say. That would tip me over the edge.

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 16:01

Fucking hell. Ensuring you both get equal "down time" is the bare minimum. How does he justify getting more leisure time than you?

Icimoi · 06/04/2015 16:02

Have you tried asking him what he plans to do it "get used to it" and how he is going to step up as a father when he has three small children?

cosytoaster · 06/04/2015 16:02

Wow - he's a real gem. Time to stand up for yourself - if you have to cope without his help then what exactly is the point of him?

liveloveluggage · 06/04/2015 16:03

There's only so much explaining you need to do, after that its just him being selfish or inconsiderate.

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 16:06

Is it me, or is this turning in to a Move-To-Relationships thread?

sosix · 06/04/2015 16:08

Bloody hell all bets are off in regards to equal leisur time are off in your cirmcumstances! Anyway hes had plenty of me timeAngry

Its time he shapes up or ships out.

Littleturkish · 06/04/2015 16:10

And he doesn't??

Go to the pub. You are allowed. I regularly do. Keeps me sane!

Purplepoodle · 06/04/2015 16:11

Did he not want a second pregnacy? He sounds like he has completely disengaged.

Bakeoffcake · 06/04/2015 16:14

He sounds very unkindSad you need to look after yourself and he should be facilitating that.

You need to plan when you get your "free" time and tell him you're going out/locking yourself in the bathroom/bedroom and do not wished to be disturbed.

If he doesn't listen could you go and stay overnight with a friend/relative door a whole weekend

Humansatnav · 06/04/2015 16:20

What a twat. Id be shouting telling him.in no uncertain terms to pull his fucking finger out or fuck off.

EvilTendency1 · 06/04/2015 16:30

Oh dear :( I'd be having words about this.

How far along are you with your pregnancy ? Hopefully a few more months to go so the birth is not imminent.

How is he with other things in general ? Supporting you in other ways ? Does he cook ? Is house work shared ? I read that he has done some HW today so he does some things at least, isn't a complete selfish git and there's a chance of a reasonable discussion.

Try a sit down heart to heart, DS to bed and say 'I need help and I'm shattered' putting it out as a 'I have a problem and need your help / input to fix it' and go from there. Don't go in on the 'You've done f%&*ing nothing to help me this weekend.' as it'll be a straight of aggressive and point scoring argument, point out that come next weekend or you'd appreciate a lie in or a night at a b&b just to sleep, being around in bed in the morning listening to tellings off for trivial things make it hard to relax - I know I've been there ! We can't switch off completely trying to have a lie in (unless you use ear plugs ?)

Just start with a simple chat of asking for his help and see what can be done from there. The immediate thing is you have some rest.

If your really bad - could you take a day of AL this week, take DS to usual childcare and relax at home ?

Humansatnav · 06/04/2015 16:32

Really Evil ? Why soft soap it for the selfish git or expect op to tale A/L ? Hmm

sosix · 06/04/2015 16:33

Could you book a few nights in a hotel with room service? Sleep and eat. Remember you are growing two hunan beings.