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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a couple of hours alone to cry and sleep?

78 replies

namechanged1459 · 06/04/2015 15:35

I have a 23mo, twins on the way and work full time. My husband doesn't seem to understand how exhausting this combination is.

This weekend I decided that, since he wasn't getting the hint, I was going to put my foot down and send him downstairs with DS on Sat morning so I could have a sleep in. After lying there for 20 mins listening to him tell off DS and the dog for various trivial things I decided to get up and hope for a sleep in on Sunday. H decided on Saturday afternoon that DS was 'getting on his nerves' because he was acting up (typical toddler behavior, lots of 'no' and 'mine', nothing actually naughty) so went to the pub to escape for a few hours.
Sunday came and it ended up that I was up with DS at the crank of dawn, while H slept until 9am then laid watching Top Gear re-runs on TV until 10:30. Later on in the afternoon I tried to escape for a nice warm bath while DS had his nap, but he woke after about 15mins and H sent him upstairs to find me.
Monday morning, we both got up with DS and H did some house work while I entertained DS, complained that I'd not helped, then once again pissed off to the pub (to watch the football team that I support and he doesn't!!) leaving me to look after a grumpy toddler who is crying for his daddy.
I really just want an hours peace. My hormones are all over, I'm exhausted, I need a cup of tea (that's still warm when I get round to drinking it) and chance to just cry!

If only mummies could escape to the pub too!! Sorry, rant over!

OP posts:
meglet · 06/04/2015 16:34

yanbu. you need a serious chat with him. If he doesn't buck his ideas up plan to be a single parent. He sounds like dead wood Angry .

ComfortingCwtch · 06/04/2015 16:37

If the weather is good there then tell him to take out DS and not to come back for at least an hour. Then go and do whatever you like, listen to music in your garden (!), have a sleep, whatever you fancy. YANBU.

Want2bSupermum · 06/04/2015 16:37

I've had similar problems with my DH. It's gotten better but I have to be very firm. A couple of things I have done are set schedules for the kids. Activites are in the schedule and DH then has a guide to use to get through the day.

I've done that for the past six months and he is starting to get it. He started to look up activities to do with the kids and has done a couple.

Cleaning, cooking and other housework hasn't been so successful.

YouTheCat · 06/04/2015 16:40

Evil, why should she have to ask for 'help'? It's his house too, and his child. They both work fulltime and so housework and childcare should be split and leisure time should be equal (at the very least as carrying twins is exhausting).

OP, if you think you'll get tongue-tied/shouted down, write it all down. Catalogue all that you do, how many lies in you get and then catalogue what he does and his leisure time. He needs to sort himself out or it'll end up being a ltb situation.

ilovechristmas1 · 06/04/2015 16:47

omg op you really need to sought this

i had twins (no older one's like you) and it was really hard work,especially the first couple of months both mentally and physically

if this is his attitude now i dread to think what will happen when the babies come

he is going to have to help alot otherwise you just wont manage

i know i sound doom and gloom but please get something sorted before they come

all the best

Timetoask · 06/04/2015 16:49

Sorry for the generalization but IMO are not good at handling small children and toddlers (at home). Now that the weather is improving why don't you ask him to take the little one to a petting farm (all day) so that you can rest.

Yarp · 06/04/2015 16:51

He is behaving like a wanker.

I would be tempted to just leave him to it. Just tell him that unless you get time to yourself you will crack up, then go to a hotel, a friend's, your mums for the weekend

OnlyLovers · 06/04/2015 16:56

you'd better get used to it, there'll be 3 of them soon' when ever I ask for his help with something for DS.

What a tosser.

Does he understand that HE is a parent as well?

Treat yourself to a quiet night in a hotel or at a friend's. Tell him HE'D better get used to it.

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 17:10

Sorry for the generalization but IMO are not good at handling small children and toddlers (at home).

Please don't tell me the missing word is "men".

YouTheCat · 06/04/2015 17:15

Men are perfectly capable of handling small children. Quite a few of them thinking of my exh here who never changed a nappy feign ignorance and fear to get out of parenting.

trashcanjunkie · 06/04/2015 17:18

God, this is going to sound dreadful but the way I see it these are your options

LTB and get paid or family help.

Get some paid or family help.

Seriously. You need to rest up before these babies arrive. Your dp telling off your ds when left to cope means you don't feel like you can leave him to it. You do not need to be doing this when the twins are born, from experience, I can tell you, having them is like living in a car crash for the first wee while. I had one elder and twins, plus a nob for a partner so I know.

Priority one, get some way to get rest, immediately, and plan for help with cleaning, cooking and childcare when the babies arrive.

This will ensure you are the bestest strongest mamma possible. It's not selfish, it's for the dcs as well as you. I promise. Once you break, it's very difficult to get fixed.

munchkinmaster · 06/04/2015 17:34

I send dh out with kids. He enjoys it more, I enjoy it more. He calls his pal, they chill with their toddlers. They managed 4 aged 4 months to 3 years the other week all day as I was knackered. In the house of course I get roped in.

calzart · 06/04/2015 20:08

Ill try and offer some constructive (ish) criticism of the opening post from a male perspective via the medium of a fictional letter from the posters DH........

I have a 23mo and the DWhas twins on the way and works full time. My wife constantly moans about how exhausting this combination is.
This weekend she decided that I should look after the son and dog on Saturday morning so she could have a lie in. She lasted all of 20 mins before she came downstairs moaning because the toddler was making too much noise getting the dog excited and I had to tell them both to be quiet and behave! It would help is she was not so soft with our DS in the first place, I seem to be the only one giving him some discipline in the house. By Saturday afternoon that DS was really starting to get on my nerves because he was acting up the DW really does indulge him too much and does not help maintain a consistent front with me when telling him 'no' (she claims this behaviour is just 'typical toddler behaviour and nothing actually naughty!). She then sods of to the pub on her own for a few hours despite claiming previously that she was exhausted!
Sunday came and the wife woke me up at the crank of dawn to play with DS. I woke at a more reasonable 9am and watched a bit of TV till 10:30. SHe really is going to have to get our DS used to entertaining himself for at least a few hours a day on his own, she wont have time when were looking after twins! That afternoon she decided that she needed a bath which was fair enough as DS was sleeping. Still he decided to wake after 15 minutes and decided he wanted his mum so I sent him off upstairs to save some more tears.
Monday morning, we both got up with DS and I did some house work whist the DW played with our DS, I asked her if she could try and have our DS entertain himself for a while so she could maybe help me but she had a right go at me! I really don't think its fair that way she treats our DS its going to be a real shock to him when mum suddenly doesn't have the time to play with him anymore like she does now. I have told her to let him get used to being more independent know but she wont listen.....

Anyway thoroughly pissed off with the DW and DS over the weekend and getting no thanks for anything I decided to go of down the pub on my own (well what's good for the goose.....)

Predictably she was in a right foul mood when I returned. How cheeky after she had done the same to me the day before!

=============================================

To summarise

  1. HINTS DONT WORK, ill say that again for emphasis HINTS DONT WORK (by and large) - you may think that you being really clever and subtle but the reality is if you want something ask for it calmly (not during an argument) and be prepared to compromise and offer concessions where appropriate.

  2. If you are 'exhausted' but find the energy to go of to the pub you DH may (understandably) think that you are being insincere (even if your not and you just wanted a few hours to yourself)

  3. don't be surprised if you try to set aside time for yourself if your DH starts to do the same...

  4. If you do decide to set alone some time to yourself be firm with it and communicate this with your DH and DS don't fold after 15 minutes and go join in with them because you can hear them going on downstairs (I'm sure husband could hear you and DS whilst watching TV but didn't come running downstairs)

  5. If you truly want some quiet time as other posters have suggested have DH take the DS out of them house for a few hours/ all day (see point 1 re you potentially having to make a concession re this yourself)

OnlyLovers · 06/04/2015 20:13

calzart, so many things to say about your post but here are just a few:

  • the OP is not the one who 'sods of to the pub'
  • why for the love of God should a grown man need asking about the simple concept of looking after his child for a bit? Do you think the OP has had to be asked about looking after her child?
  • 'don't be surprised if you try to set aside time for yourself if your DH starts to do the same'
Have you actually read the OP's posts and comprehended them?
Ohwhatsoccuring · 06/04/2015 20:14

But she didn't go to the pub, he did, both days, slight flaw in the theory there.
Should read 'so I sod off to the pub and leave her to it, twice'

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 06/04/2015 20:20

He is an absolute selfish twat

And that's before the comment he said about you better get used to it cos soon there will be 3 (I paraphrase)

I beg to differ, there will be four. And I'd be getting rid of the biggest and most useless one if it was me

I used to be married to a lazy twat too so I'm biased (but trust me thru don't ever change) ....I got shot of mine when he got even worse when I had a baby and now I'm married to a real man who pulls his weight

liveloveluggage · 06/04/2015 20:27

What rubbish Calzart the OP is pregnant with twins her dh should be offering to do a bit extra to help out, she shouldn't have to negotiate.

sosix · 06/04/2015 20:28

She didn't go to the pubHmm

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 20:29

Do you feel better after that calzart? Confused

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 20:31

I mean, if you wanted to do the fictional letter, why did you not only fill the gaps in with your imagination (e.g. the OP doesn't discipline her son) but change some of the actual facts??

calzart · 06/04/2015 20:33

My bad I misreads and thought that she went to the pub! My points about hints and being firm with yourself still stand......

calzart · 06/04/2015 20:35

'Do you feel better after that calzart? confused'

Yes I fell fine? You? What's wrong with someone offering an opposing point of view (if somewhat mistaken in parts). The OP could still help herself out... (although DH going to pub twice was not nice)

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 20:36

"My bad"? Your whole post is full of errors and misdirection. Why would you write such nonsense to a woman in this situation looking for support??

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 20:37

Are you 13?

calzart · 06/04/2015 20:37

I mean, if you wanted to do the fictional letter, why did you not only fill the gaps in with your imagination (e.g. the OP doesn't discipline her son) but change some of the actual facts??

Running downstairs after twenty minutes because dad was telling son of indicates that he is the lead on discipline and she is a soft touch. Son coming upstairs when she is in the bath reinforces this. When dad is busy im sure son knows more that he cant so much be demanding attention (from the dad)

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