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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a couple of hours alone to cry and sleep?

78 replies

namechanged1459 · 06/04/2015 15:35

I have a 23mo, twins on the way and work full time. My husband doesn't seem to understand how exhausting this combination is.

This weekend I decided that, since he wasn't getting the hint, I was going to put my foot down and send him downstairs with DS on Sat morning so I could have a sleep in. After lying there for 20 mins listening to him tell off DS and the dog for various trivial things I decided to get up and hope for a sleep in on Sunday. H decided on Saturday afternoon that DS was 'getting on his nerves' because he was acting up (typical toddler behavior, lots of 'no' and 'mine', nothing actually naughty) so went to the pub to escape for a few hours.
Sunday came and it ended up that I was up with DS at the crank of dawn, while H slept until 9am then laid watching Top Gear re-runs on TV until 10:30. Later on in the afternoon I tried to escape for a nice warm bath while DS had his nap, but he woke after about 15mins and H sent him upstairs to find me.
Monday morning, we both got up with DS and H did some house work while I entertained DS, complained that I'd not helped, then once again pissed off to the pub (to watch the football team that I support and he doesn't!!) leaving me to look after a grumpy toddler who is crying for his daddy.
I really just want an hours peace. My hormones are all over, I'm exhausted, I need a cup of tea (that's still warm when I get round to drinking it) and chance to just cry!

If only mummies could escape to the pub too!! Sorry, rant over!

OP posts:

Vivacia · 06/04/2015 20:38

Welcome to MN calzart.

calzart · 06/04/2015 20:41

"Why would you write such nonsense to a woman in this situation looking for support??

I'm sorry I thought this section was short for 'am I be unreasonable?' with the whole point being for other people to offer an opinion. IF MN want to set up a sub forum called 'I want to have a moan and have lots of people make sympathetic noises back to me' Ill respect it and leave it well alone!

calzart · 06/04/2015 20:42

being*

calzart · 06/04/2015 20:46

So back on topic poster NYANBU but try communicating more directly stop hinting

CheerfulYank · 06/04/2015 20:48

I'm pregnant with a 7 year old and the world's most feral almost 2 year old.

I had strong words with DH about this kind of thing and also am flying a thousand miles away for a long weekend with friends on Friday. He's going to have to get on with it. I am going to sleep, go to the cinema, try new restaurants, and go for a long stroll by the ocean.

CheerfulYank · 06/04/2015 20:49

That should probably read "I'm pregnant and also have..."

I am not gestating a 7 year old. :o

airforsharon · 06/04/2015 21:06

My DD1 had just turned 2 when my twins were born. I wasn't working and DH helped as much as he could when he was at home but I was still knackered most of the time. A twin pregnancy is hard. And it was only almost military-like teamwork that got us through the first few weeks after DTs were born.

In your shoes I would be tempted to ask your DH plainly - how does he see his role in the family? His 'better get used to it' comment is worrying. You'll need to be organized when the twins arrive and know that you have his support, and not need to be asking/begging/hoping for help.

In the meantime, how long until you finish work? Can you leave earlier than planned? Is paying for help around the house an option in the short term? Any family able to help you?

Theworldhasgonecrazy · 06/04/2015 21:19

How about this Calzart

OP went down after 20 mins because she couldn't sleep for all the chatizing of the child and dog. DH constantly shouted at the toddler because he has barely spent any time with him in his first 2 yrs of life and has no idea how to interact with him and placate his toddler behaviour.

Toddler went to OP when she was in the bath because he has barely had any interaction from his dad in the first 2 yrs of his life so goes to the primary caregiver. DH is quite happy for OP to deal with the child as he doesn't do this whole parenting lark and using the excuse that toddler wants his mum gets him out of it.

Been there, done that. Had a DH who thought young child parenting was falling asleep with them on the sofa and changed a nappy 3 times in the first year of his first child's life!

Plus the OP is carrying twins. And still working full time. You men do not have the capacity to understand the impact a pregnancy can have on a woman, the pain, pressure, fatigue etc, not to mention a twin pregnancy. No pregnancy is not an illness but it does take a toll on a woman.

Your Dh needs to shape up OP-they are not just your kids!

AradiaQueenWitch · 06/04/2015 22:59

What a knob, what is he even for, exactly?

OP you need to kick him up the arse sharpish, who the fuck does he think he is, swanning off to the pub while you do all the shit work?

Why did he even bother having a family exactly? I would make it pretty damn clear that if he wants to be single then he is heading the right way about it. Fuming on your behalf!

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 06/04/2015 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ratfinkandbobo · 06/04/2015 23:47

I'm not surprised you want to cry
I have twins and the pregnancy was a bloody nightmare. I was in and out of hospital every couple of weeks.
My DP treated me like a princess, thank god
You will need lots of rest time, a twin pregnancy is a major strain on your body.
Your DP needs to grow up and be more hands on. How will he cope when you have them? I was in for 10 days after giving birth.

YouTheCat · 06/04/2015 23:57

Why should she have to communicate all this? She works too. It sounds like she does the bulk of everything else too.

Surely, if you love each other you try to make the other person's life as pleasant as possible? Carrying twins is bloody tough (been there - got the stretch marks) so the OP's husband should be pulling his weight and making sure the woman who is gestating his twins is comfortable and not constantly exhausted.

VenusRising · 07/04/2015 00:00

Calzart, are you the OPs twatish DH? You certainly sound like it.

OP you need to document what's going on and enlist help from friends and family. Drop your lazy DH in the shit with everyone you know. See if shame will put a rocket up his lazy arse. Talk to your midwife as well, and have her lay it out for him if he's still thinking that "you'll have to get used to it" when your babies arrive.

So sorry but sounds like he's totally disengaged. I'd make plans to ditch the ballast.

Want2bSupermum · 07/04/2015 02:57

The other thing I did that worked was to speak to my MIL. I reminded her that we live in the US and with her son not shaping up he was at risk of me divorcing him which would severely limit her contact with the grandchildren. I don't know what she said but it has helped with the turn around.

Slutbucket · 07/04/2015 04:51

Carrying twins is absolutely the most tiring thing you can do. My husband bundled me off to bed at half seven every evening. I think he was being kind but it could be so he didn't have to hear me moan. I couldn't imagine working full time. Could you take some time off from work to regroup get your strength up so you can then tackle stupid husband?

toomuchtooold · 07/04/2015 12:24

When I was pregnant with my twins (no other kids) I used to work, eat and sleep, and that was it. I slept about 12 hours a night, and towards the end (=the last 4 months) I retained fluid so much that after a week of working I had to be off my feet for the whole weekend to be in a fit state to start work again on the Monday. And I had a straightforward pregnancy, only a bit of anaemia. I can imagine you must be wrecked, and it's not good for the babies either.

I would second W2bsupermum's suggestion of speaking to your MIL, if she's likely to be sympathetic. And maybe look into getting a nanny, even part time? It's probably better value for money with three than keeping DS in nursery, although failing that I would keep DS at nursery because looking after twins is more than enough to be getting on with, specially in the early days. If DH is not going to acknowledge the difficulties of looking after one toddler you are going to need to make sure you have enough alternative support to get through the early days with the twins. He should step up, but you can't afford to assume he will, I think. (Although having said that, he may just step up because he has to, because in the early days with twins it is really difficult for one person to see to all their needs. I think some guys get into that downward spiral of being a bit shit with the baby/leaving it to the mum who looks more capable/not practising therefore not picking up the skills/being a bit more shit. That doesn't happen with twin dads - two pairs of hands is always better than one.)

Fifis25StottieCakes · 07/04/2015 13:43

The problem is you are trying to have a break in the house which won't work, he sounds like an arse but i know from experience the only way to get a break from the kids is to go out myself. Book a cheap bnb room and take yourself off their for a few hrs for a kip,

He sounds inconsiderate tbh, try and talk to him about how you feel but it should be pretty obvious really. Just be firm and take yourself off somewhere for a break.

candidkate · 07/04/2015 14:04

Mummies can escape to the pub too! I feel like too many women feel trapped in a role they have made for themselves. Go out with your girlfriends, have a spa once every couple of months, organise frequent playdates where you drop DS off and have a few hours of peace.

I don't want to be presumptuous but there is always more going on that what the post suggests...do you and DH spend any time together?
Your DH sounds like he needs to cope better with your son, and appreciate your role more...especially since you both work full time.

I think its vital to do as much as you can alone (without neglecting DC of course) for your sanity. As i said before women sometimes lock themselves in the house or with thier DCs because of some warped image of motherhood. (not suggesting this is you OP just offering some perspective)

Give DH and DS something to do where you know DS won't act up (my poor DH isn't a bad daddy but every parent has their Achilles heel don't they? My DH cannot stand tantrums etc)

I leave them to watch frozen with the lights out and popcorn or to make cupcakes or to build stuff - just daddy proof just fool proof activities that I can leave them to when I'm out without having to worry DH won't lock the kids in the garden and go to bed loose his rag.

It really depends on you situation - as i say my DH is an amazing father in his own way but has his weaknesses ...it kind of makes me giggle to listen to him nearly have a heart attack when they make me breakfast in bed for fear they desecrate the kitchen by accident. Feel better OP - its half adapting to DH's strengths and half telling him how he could do better (with some sugar of course)

Want2bSupermum · 07/04/2015 14:58

Best activites I have on the board are based around making food. I get the cheap boxes of cake mix and ready made icing. One activity is making the cakes and another activity the following is decorating them. I also have DH clean the fruit and veg for the week. DD is great at washing grapes! I also have DH bake a quiche for a meal during the week. DS and DD crack open the eggs, mix them, pour into the dish and add the flavors. Another good one is decorating pizza after rolling out the dough.

Art and craft wise I get the kits in from hobbycraft. I hate the company but the art kits are a life saver and something DH can cope with. He gets overwhelmed and needs inx. Those sets have them on the side so he doesn't have to bug me!

Now if only I could get the cleaning sorted! Anyone on here have ideas?

Vivacia · 07/04/2015 15:09

Best activites I have on the board are...

what exactly do you perceive the OP's problems to be? Not having enough ideas to entertain her husband?

Want2bSupermum · 07/04/2015 15:51

No these are ideas on the activites my DH does with the DC. I think with my DH he was quick to avoid the DC because he didn't know what to do with them. Having activities on the board gives him some useful suggestions.

The OP needs to rest! I fully get that.

GiveOverLuv · 07/04/2015 15:57

He sounds like a piss taker

rumbleinthrjungle · 07/04/2015 16:27

You'll have to get used to it? Says it all. Not 'we'. 'You'.

What exactly does he plan to get used to? Is the grumping at the toddler/dog PA tactics to get you downstairs to take over? The sending the toddler upstairs to you in the bath is flat out thoughtless and lazy. What does he see his parenting role as and what does he do to contribute? Does he have any concept that his life is about to get a lot less comfortable, because with newborn twins, it's going to be one each a lot of the time! You won't just be able to take over while he swans off to the pub.

Calzart, from the 'male POV' as a justification the letter still comes over as self centred, lazy and not seeing this as any kind of equal partnership. If your partner is 23 weeks pregnant with twins and is exhausted, you pull your bloody finger out and make an effort when you're home. Not grump about her perceived failings and look for the easiest way to get out of having to do anything adult.

CapnMurica · 07/04/2015 16:34

He sounds like an utter twat.

I had twins, then another when they were two. I was exhausted and grumpy. All the fucking time.

I would have seriously kicked DH out if he had behaved as yours is. How fucking dare he.

PS - I now work full time and he is a SAHD. DH lets me lie in, he looks after all three boys (four when DSS is here) and although he may gripe occasionally, he doesn't lay it all at my door because I'm a mum.

CapnMurica · 07/04/2015 16:36

(And I don't leave everything up to him because he is a SAHD either!)

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