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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - visiting relatives who don't make any effort re veggie food

108 replies

happygonicky · 05/04/2015 05:21

I've been veggie for years and every time I go to SIL's (with partner for 15 years) she makes no kind of effort re any kind of meat-free meal. I'm really easy-going re food, I know people aren't always super-confident with regard to cooking for veggies but I just feel there are so many veggie options out there now. Last time was a particular low: boiled pasta, no sauce (the others had bolognese).

We're due to visit soon and I just can't be bothered (admittedly other issues in the mix). I don't want to spend all day travelling and have a crap meal too. I make a lot of effort when they visit.

DH says he will tell her what I would like to eat, I just don't feel I should need to do that.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 05/04/2015 05:39

Find out what everyone else is having and take a veggie version. If it's pasta, just take some pesto or tomato sauce.

pollykinesis · 05/04/2015 05:44

Thats really rude of her, would she be pissed off if you brought a tasty boil in the bag curry or something? You shouldn't have to do that but maybe you'll have a better/tolerable time if you remove the food issue.

Original poster
happygonicky · 05/04/2015 05:45

Is it that hard to take your guests into account though when entertaining? I cook them meat-based meals because I know they prefer that.

OP posts:
Original poster
happygonicky · 05/04/2015 05:46

She's really nice in all other ways, I think it's a mindset thing.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 05/04/2015 05:58

I find it bizarre that people make meat when there's vegetarians visiting, those that eat meat can have a veggie meal! Then you can all eat the same. So much easier.

ScathingContempt · 05/04/2015 06:12

Yanbu. If she's no confident or happy to produce a separate meal for you she could at least get in a couple of veggie ready meals.

Like with the pasta, just have a jar of pesto in the cupboard, or similar stir in sauce. Not a brilliantly balanced meal but tasty enough for occasional eating.

I'd stop accommodating their meat eating when you cook for them. Make them some veggie meals, it might even give her ideas!

HagOtheNorth · 05/04/2015 06:22

I take my own food if there's a problem. Or as my MIL would have been very offended, I used to take extra rations in my pack and eat when possible when she was unaware. Like a ninja picnic.
But yes, it seems odd to be happy to give one guest a sub-standard meal. I'd cook vegetarian when they come.

textfan · 05/04/2015 06:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYouNaanBread · 05/04/2015 06:37

Bring a really nice m&s meal, and when you arrive put it in the oven and be all "Oh, I didn't want to put you to any extra effort". She's being a bitch.

DH is vegetarian and I'm surprised at how even people our own age can be so "Oh, I made an extra special effort to get a great VEGETARIAN recipe to try out for you, MrNaan" as if meat free food was some big whoop-de-do.

My Dad was convinced that DH must just go through life hungry, until he cut out meat himself on a health kick and discovered that no, he has not in fact starved to death.

aurynne · 05/04/2015 06:37

Why don't you offer to cook for them and educate them in the process? :)

LaLaLaaaa · 05/04/2015 07:16

I'm very lucky that mine and dhs family almost go the other way and make more of an effort and big deal than necessary with veggie food for me. I end up with more than I can eat!

But having been to so many dinners, weddings etc where people think it's ok to serve you tasteless slop when everyone else gets gourmet meal I do know how you feel and it's so disappointing!

I would agree - take something with you to cook and make a point

MuttonCadet · 05/04/2015 07:20

We've had MIL staying for the bank holiday weekend and funnily enough I've managed to make her a veggie dish for every meal without much effort.
SIL is being odd, who gives someone dry pasta?

LindyHemming · 05/04/2015 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewept · 05/04/2015 07:31

Yanbu. I would make an effort and provide something. Wouldn't enter my head not to. As a meat eater I would quite happily cook a vegetarian meal for everyone

But I have been on been on both side of this. My pils have sandwiches for lunch everyday without fail, if we go for lunch I have to take my own as I can't eat bread. They aren't offended and in all other ways they are nice so it doesn't bother me that much. Then my SIL is veggie and it doesn't matter what my dm makes for her, she always says 'I don't like it'. Mum has done veggie meals for her, veggie meals for everyone and even a vegetarian buffet so there was lots of choice but everytime she says she doesn't like what is available. So dad told her she needs to help them out and give them some suggestions (as when they asked for her suggestions for what she wanted for Christmas dinner, she couldn't think if anything) or bring her own.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 05/04/2015 07:32

Ninja picnic Grin

She might forget you're vege, I think your DH should remind her. I'm a bit vague about details and I have been known to forget that friends have preferences or requirements for food when they come over (and then I'm mortified). Or she may just be rude. Either way a reminder makes it more likely that you'll have something edible available.

FunkyPeacock · 05/04/2015 07:37

YANBU. She is rude

My SIL is veggie so I just tend to do a meat free meal when they visit

Mistigri · 05/04/2015 07:43

I would just politely ask what she is planning to make and take an alternative if necessary.

I would cook a non-meat meal if I had a veggie guest, BUT I can see it from the point of view of someone cooking for several people all of whom have different likes and dislikes. My 13 year old daughter is vegetarian and because her brother is also a rather fussy eater it makes family meals difficult sometimes. I do not like cooking, DH and I work f/t so have limited time, and there are occasions when DD gets a not very appetizing meal (eg plain pasta ... Fortunately she likes this!).

hestialou · 05/04/2015 07:44

I've had some fussy eaters over for dinner and always accomodate them, would prefer veggie as so easy to do. Roasted veggies in pasta sauce, goats cheese baked etc

MrsHathaway · 05/04/2015 07:49

I'm not good at cooking for vegetarians, but I know I do better than plain pasta!

Many old-fashioned things are vegetarian-friendly, eg a roast dinner with a cauliflower cheese, where

Original poster
happygonicky · 05/04/2015 07:49

Thanks all. I should cook them veggie food to give her a few ideas. I've probably been too relaxed about it in the past, I think I just thought she'd get the hang of it.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 05/04/2015 07:51

... only the meat needs to be omitted from the vegetarian's plate.

You shouldn't have to make suggestions. On the other hand, a cook like me would very grateful if you did. After all, not everyone likes onion quiche / stuffed mushrooms / baked camembert or whatever I can come up with on my own!

MaryWestmacott · 05/04/2015 08:01

Can you suggest you eat out? Or ask her if she'd like you to bring your own food? She must realise she's being rude.

MidniteScribbler · 05/04/2015 08:09

It's rude, but it's also silly to sit there and fume in front of a plate of dry pasta, when you know that she doesn't cater for you. Just take something along that you can eat. Don't you offer to bring something when you go over for dinner anyway?

Original poster
happygonicky · 05/04/2015 09:10

We take wine, dessert if it's a more special occasion. They wouldn't bring anything to us. Re going out, FIL doesn't especially like it. DH would rather be upfront with her and give her options. I'm weary of it though. Everyone else I know is so good about it and I can usually make do with salad and jacket in other situations, I'm really easy. The pasta really did tip me over the edge.

OP posts:
Failedspinster · 05/04/2015 09:40

That's ridiculous. My brother is vegan and I wouldn't dream of not trying to give him a decent meal - he just stayed the night and I made spaghetti and meatballs with tomato sauce (meat meatballs for DH and DC, spicy carrot and bean balls for DB and me, everyone had spaghetti and sauce). I'd ring before you visit and ask her nicely if yiu should bring your own food. If she means to be rude you'll get a decent meal, if not it might give her a kick up the bum to bother to make you something.