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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the term SAHM does not cut it

128 replies

anothernumberone · 04/04/2015 12:03

My mother would describe herself as a housewife. She gave up a teaching job to stay at home with her family while my father brought home the income. She did the vast majority of the child rearing and also the vast majority of household chores laundry, (a lot we were a big family) cooking, cleaning. Every week however she had a 'list' of things my father had to do for the weekend which kept him busy but these almost exclusively included maintenance and decorating the house. When we left home and the SAHM aspect of the role ended she continued the role as the housewife. When my father retired he took over a lot of the internal domestic chores like hoovering, washing floors, windows (things that rarely happen in my home) and she did her share. I would say 50/50. So she could probably now be described as a retired housewife if you asked her. The reason for this thread is that I think housewife is an ourdated term that describes your role in terms of your husband but I just don't think SAHM describes fairly what most parents who stay at home actually do. AIBU and if not what is a better term? If Mumsnet can invent terms like naice ham then this would be a doddle.

OP posts:

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/04/2015 19:32

I think how we define ourselves depends on how happy we are with our choices. I resented having to give up a good job to stay at home but my friend had always wanted to and happily called herself 'full time mummy'. I felt awkward saying housewife.

Oly4 · 04/04/2015 19:48

It's so funny reading this thread because I'm about to go back to work full-time because I love my job (no other reason, not financial. I just miss it). Try telling THAT to people and see what their eyebrows do. So don't feel like you have to justify what you do. I have a title - I work full-time - and I'm massively judged in my little town by the many, many women staying at home. So it doesn't matter what your title is - it's about whether you feel a need to justify it

DarlingDaffodil · 04/04/2015 19:52

As my house is a hovel whether in paid work or not I feel the twee terms of housewife or homemaker not for me at all.
Hovel maker maybe, clutter developer, slovenly slob.....
Mmmmmm.....

zazzie · 04/04/2015 19:54

I refer to myself as either sahm or by my former profession or as a carer. The last is probably the most accurate as I wouldn't otherwise be a sahm. I wouldn't refer to myself as a housewife as I do only essential housework and take no pleasure in it.

JadedAngel · 04/04/2015 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Philoslothy · 04/04/2015 19:58

I must have the hide of a rhino because I have never felt judged, not that I can remember anyway, and my decisions have involved retuning to work when my eldest son was a few weeks old, working on the road and leaving my children at home and being at home full time. I also have a large family, am a stepmother and have been a teacher, all much maligned on MN. Maybe I am just looking back with rose tinted spectacles.

I also do feel lucky that my husband works hard which enables me to do as I wish, I would not feel offended if somebody said that to me, in fact they have.

bonniebear · 04/04/2015 19:59

I have always worked, mainly full time, some of those maternity leaves were under a month. Never been judged. It is all in peoples own heads, no-one actually cares in rl

JadedAngel · 04/04/2015 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarlingDaffodil · 04/04/2015 20:10

No not in your head, some people seem to feel the need to judge JadedAngel.
I was minding my own business at school when a parent suggested I work as 'it would make me feel better about myself'.
This parent hardly knows me yet felt able to just say this out of the blue.
I wonder if I was looking a bit crap that day or miserable?!
I was a bit flumoxed and didn't really respond.
Why do people feel the need to blurt out such blunt opinions?

bonniebear · 04/04/2015 20:14

It is rare though. I doubt herds of people are judging you. Just the odd random person, and those type of people usually have an opinion on everything

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/04/2015 20:15

philoslothy but you're working hard too. Now I'm back at work its actually easier than a day in the house with the dc!

trappedinsuburbia · 04/04/2015 20:16

The term should be 'Stay at Home Hero', hats off to anyone that does this full time, I work 3 days a week and it feels like 3 days off instead. It is very labour intensive with youngsters even with the modern gadgets.

RufusTheReindeer · 04/04/2015 20:28

cruik

Definitely a line, get your bingo dabber at the ready...it will all calm down, and then kick off again and that's when it will happen

bonbonbonbon · 04/04/2015 20:39

I usually say homemaker. I don't do paid work currently. I agree with a pp that status is too much reliant on doing paid work, and I don't see anything wrong with a division of labour between partners as long as it's by choice. Currently I'm the primary caregiver to our dd and we've twins on the way so no chance of affording childcare in the near future. I keep house, manage the budget, basically I do everything except earn the money, and that works for us. I'm really good at admin, budgeting, organizing, cooking etc.

I don't think money has to always be the top priority, as long as you're managing on what's coming in, and I don't see why it should be the only measure of a successful life.

MrsKoala · 04/04/2015 20:46

I've done some pretty shitty jobs which i've loved and been judged on and some really 'impressive' jobs which i've hated and been treated like scum yet always get kudos from telling people. I never ask what people do when i meet them - i find it totally irrelevant. I'm from a working class background where most people i know are uneducated past 16 and have jobs that they hate. Not one of them thinks their job is a reflection on them in anyway.

Usually when i go to parties or meet people we chat about things which interest us. I think it's a luxury to have a job you enjoy or think reflects you in any way.

When people ask what i do i just say sponger. it's what they are going to think whatever i say anyway. A rose by any other name and all that. People will either understand or judge you regardless, might as well own it.

Philoslothy · 04/04/2015 21:07

Lois it does not feel like work, perhaps because I love what I am doing and get to set my own agenda.

MrsKoala because of my background most people who know of my family are so shocked that I am not in prison or permanently stoned that they tend to be impressed whatever I do. With people of a similar background to me, like you, we rarely discuss jobs etc. However I do find it sad that you introduce yourself as a sponger, but you are right you have to own and be proud of what you do. I also agree that it is a huge luxury to have a job or a lifestyle that you enjoy.

Original poster

anothernumberone · 04/04/2015 21:08

I agree with a pp that status is too much reliant on doing paid work, and I don't see anything wrong with a division of labour between partners as long as it's by choice

I agree completely with this. I see that the term SAHP allows the role to be less about housework which is not to everyone's taste I hate housework it is relentless but it does not describe the older children years. I agree homemaker is twee. I like the household management one and it does not understate the role and can be flexible.

OP posts:

CleverPlansAndSecretTricks · 04/04/2015 21:11

I think mostly when people ask what do you do it is an attempt to learn a bit more about you and maybe find a common interest. Unless you are applying for a mortgage or something they probably don't mean to ask how exactly you earn your income.

DH has some v posh friends, some of whom have never early much money kids or not, and they always say they are studying or freelancing or working for a charity or organising exhibitions or whatever. In the past I have thought this a bit dishonest as I know they are not earning money from it or doing it full time, but now I have had second thoughts. It gives the chance for a bit of interesting chat....it doesn't have to be the only or even the main thing you do with your time. Just talk about something you find interesting.

MrsKoala · 04/04/2015 21:27

Phil - i don't say it with any shame, i look people straight in the eye, beam proudly and say 'Sponger' with a wink/twinkle. I owuld hope they can tell that my tongue is firmly in my cheek. They usually laugh and that ends the awkwardness that is usually met when i say SAHM and then they spit out their drink and go 'what the fuck is that when it's at home' or 'oh right...' and look around for someone more interesting to talk to.

I always remember my engagement party to my exH and my dad met my exH's aunt who was a SAHM to two 20 something year olds who had left home. She was desperately trying to sound like she was run off her feet and said to my dad 'you really would be surprised how long some things take, just last month it took 3 full weeks of shopping to find a lamp shade to match my new curtains' Arf. My dad actually laughed so hard i thought he'd bust something. He grew up in slum housing and worked since 14. He thinks i'm a right lazy cow for not working and when i mentioned i might get a cleaner (or someone to do the windows at least) he told me i thought i was something special and i should just pull my finger out. Poor DH has to iron his own shirts and apparently i don't know i'm born and if he was my husband he'd 'make me' do them.

Philoslothy · 04/04/2015 21:48

Sorry MrsKoala I misunderstood.

nooka · 04/04/2015 22:04

I described my husband as being a stay at home dad when he was at home, and everyone knew what I meant so I think it's a perfectly good term really. As our children grew older there was less need for him to be at home so he went back to work (slightly under protest). If I ever earn shedloads he'd like to stop working and do other things, and that might work for us. I don't think I'd describe him as a househusband then though because looking after a household once children don't need to be looked after is a very part time occupation. I think I'd just describe what he spent his time on instead (if I felt the need for details, otherwise I think I'd just say that he didn't go to work).

Babymamamama · 05/04/2015 00:26

Find it difficult to get too invested in these sahm threads. For what it's worth I work part tine and I am sahm part time. However I would never use the sahm acronym anywhere but on mumsnet and have never heard it used anywhere else. I can honestly honestly say the work part is infinitely more stressful and challenging than the sahm part. And actually all working muns have been sahm s too. It's called maternity leave. My mum was a sahm although it was of course called housewife back then . I think truth be told it made her a bit depressed. She is very bright and in another era I do believe she could and would have wanted to make more of her degree in the work direction.

Oly4 · 05/04/2015 16:35

You're absolutely wrong to say it's in people's heads as to whether they are judged. I've had loads of comments along the lines of my poor kids in childcare because I work ft. Loads of them. People often feel a need to justify their position. I've had plenty of sahms say they don't work because their husband earns a fortune, they couldn't imagine leaving their kids all day etc etc. Women are actually the worst in judging each other. Plenty of men have just asked about my job when I work.

Rafflesway · 05/04/2015 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockyryder · 05/04/2015 17:06

I think SAHM seems fine if you have young children or 'I'm at home looking after the children' and housewife or just I'm not working at present for a person with school age children who isn't working.

Full time mother is nonsensical as everyone who is a mother (or indeed a father) has that status full time.

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