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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the term SAHM does not cut it

128 replies

anothernumberone · 04/04/2015 12:03

My mother would describe herself as a housewife. She gave up a teaching job to stay at home with her family while my father brought home the income. She did the vast majority of the child rearing and also the vast majority of household chores laundry, (a lot we were a big family) cooking, cleaning. Every week however she had a 'list' of things my father had to do for the weekend which kept him busy but these almost exclusively included maintenance and decorating the house. When we left home and the SAHM aspect of the role ended she continued the role as the housewife. When my father retired he took over a lot of the internal domestic chores like hoovering, washing floors, windows (things that rarely happen in my home) and she did her share. I would say 50/50. So she could probably now be described as a retired housewife if you asked her. The reason for this thread is that I think housewife is an ourdated term that describes your role in terms of your husband but I just don't think SAHM describes fairly what most parents who stay at home actually do. AIBU and if not what is a better term? If Mumsnet can invent terms like naice ham then this would be a doddle.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 04/04/2015 14:30

I don't get what is wrong with housewife? Even stay at home mum makes me cringe a bit, and full time mummy makes me shudder.

redskybynight · 04/04/2015 14:31

I think SAHM or "look after the children" covers it best. Every other part of the SAHM role has to be done by a parent who has a job outside the home. I don't describe myself as a person who works in IT but also looks after the household!

helzapoppin2 · 04/04/2015 14:32

Another one-
Major Domus

JadedAngel · 04/04/2015 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 04/04/2015 14:34

Wasn't "Domestic Engineer"the tongue-in-cheek title a few years ago?

Mrsbird311 · 04/04/2015 14:36

I call myself a housewife and my life is exactly as you described your mums, when people ask what I do I tell them I volunteer for a local charity, visit gallery's and museums and like antique hunting, that is the most interesting aspect of what I do but I don't think anyone's life can be adaquatly summed up by saying what their job is, I would imagine that is the least exciting thing about a person, can't stand it when people ask what do you do ? I ask what do you enjoy doing, much more interesting conversation!!

Jen1610 · 04/04/2015 14:44

Iv just recently left my job. My husband and me decided it was best for out family for one reason and another just now that I'm at home. I'm enjoying it just now. So much easier than when I was working..I have an extra 37.5 hours to do everything I already done anyway. I'm sure once the novelty wears off I'll be bored though. However for now I like house wife. I hate stay at home mum for some reason.

StellaAlpina · 04/04/2015 15:04

I think the term housewife makes sense for a lot of women of my mother's generation, her children are grown-up but she's not quite a pensioner yet.

I'm not sure I've every used anyone use the phrase stay-at-home mum in real life, I've heard full time mum (which i don't particularly like) and housewife or housegirlfriend (lol! my friend has said this in a tongue in cheek way as she's not married)

Ratfinkandbobo · 04/04/2015 15:13

Here we go again

BunnyCake · 04/04/2015 15:15

When I was at home looking after preschool children I said I looked after the children full time.

Happyyellowcar · 04/04/2015 15:16

JadedAngel's answer sums it up the best for me. Since reading this thread I have tried to apply a term to myself but nothing much fits. I've always thought of myself as a SAHM but I also work in the evenings (and some weekends/school hols) as a tutor after DH comes home. I started setting up a little business when DS2 was 6 months and have run that but from home and most of the time while DC are asleep or out with DH. I do all the childcare through the day apart from when they are at school / preschool and the housework although luckily DH loves cooking Smile. Am currently on a self imposed maternity leave (DD is 4 months ) from my business although I am still doing quite a lot of admin etc but am still working eves as a tutor. Am I a SAHM who works part time then? Does it even matter??

Feckeggblue · 04/04/2015 15:42

Aren't we talking about people who stay at home who don't have children at home to look after? SAHM is a different thing and already has a pretendy job title Easter Wink

TwoOddSocks · 04/04/2015 15:49

I also like SAHM as I don't really care about housework. I do most of it because I'm here but the reason I'm not working is to look after my DS, not to bake cakes or have a show home. I'm not sure what will happen when he starts school; Ideally I'd then have a PT job that fits around school, hours but if I can't find one I guess I'll be a SAHM on stand by.

TwoOddSocks · 04/04/2015 15:51

Happy you're like me (I also tutor evenings and weekends). It's funny I definitely find myself using it to "justify" the fact that i don't have a "real job". I'm a SAHM "but I also do some teaching".

Bonsoir · 04/04/2015 15:55

SAHM isn't a good descriptor as, IME, mothers who do not WOH do not spend their time at home but rather are extremely busy taking their DC left right and centre.

Full-time mother is more accurate but offends mothers in employment who have a great deal of trouble conceding that they spend any less time raising their DC than if they weren't in employment.

Mrsstarlord · 04/04/2015 17:01

Bonsoir - I don't think anyone says that they don't spend less time with their kids, more that they don't cease to be a parent when they do paid work.

But I'm not going to keep going down that road because its been done to death

Stay at home mum, for me is cringeworthy not because it implies that they don't leave the house but because it is a made up term to try and keep people happy - just like WOH parents. Its all nonsense.

The term housewife is out of favour because it smacks of 1950s traditional roles but why should that matter? Ultimately that is what all of these other terms have been invented to avoid saying. If it works for people then fab, why dress it up as anything else?

Ultimately, as JadedAngel says, we are all, all of these things and more to a greater or lesser extent. Arguing about semantics in order to try and not feel inadequate in relation to other people isn't really supportive of the rights of women to have the choice to do what is right for them and the people who are important to them.

teacherwith2kids · 04/04/2015 17:11

Asked for my job title for a mortgage, with DS a toddler and DD on the may:
"I'm a mother'

Mortgage advisor, eyes on the screen, obviously choosing between 2 options in a drop down box:
'Is that mother, or Mother Superior?'

I managed to keep a straight face, as he clearly had no idea what a Mother Superior might be (leader of a convent), but I still rather wish I'd selected that option, and found ut how the computer might have processed a married Mother Superior with children....

Kampeki · 04/04/2015 17:21

bonsoir, I have no difficulty in accepting that most WOHMs do less childcare than most SAHMs. However, it seems that you have difficulty in conceding that "mothering" consists of a great deal more than childcare. Putting food on the table, for example, or keeping a roof over the children's heads. These are all aspects of parenting, whether you want to admit it or not.

I agree that SAHM isn't very accurate, but neither is full time mum or housewife. I actually think home maker is probably the best term, but it does sound horribly twee!

bananaramadramallama · 04/04/2015 17:35

I am currently on my final leave following 20 years in the forces - I will be getting a pension (hopefully!) so won't need to work as the household income should be enough (my pension + husband's wage).

My kids will turn 10 & 13 in the next few weeks, so I will in no way be a SAHM.
I am quite happy to be known as a 'housewife' for the foreseeable future - it is entirely accurate, as is 'lady who lunches', or 'lady of leisure' which I also fully intend to be!

morethanpotatoprints · 04/04/2015 17:36

I can't understand the need to always give somebody a title or label.
Say what you want when people ask you what you do.
I often say something different each time i'm asked as it depends on what I'm doing more of during that day or week.
I'm sure many people who don't work for an employer do various things with their days.
Unless your children are very young, not at school or nursery most of your time may be raising your children. When they are older at school maybe, then you might be running more errands, taking them to activities, etc. You ould call yourself a social secretary at this time if you like.
Do what makes you happy and don't bother what others say, be your own boss and find your own titles and labels, if you want them.

Philoslothy · 04/04/2015 17:38

I quite like the term homemaker, as that describes what I do.

happybubblebrain · 04/04/2015 17:38

I would just call anyone that stays at home unemployed.

BikketBikketBikket · 04/04/2015 17:39

I reckon 'Facilitator' sounds suitably management-speak... Grin

TerryTheGreenHorse · 04/04/2015 17:39

If you want to call yourself something different do it.

hennybeans · 04/04/2015 17:41

I don't really have a problem with 'housewife' as I think it more accurately describes what my role is, even though my youngest is just two. It is old fashioned, which is the biggest negative, but I don't especially mind that it connects me to DH. Without DH/ being a wife, I couldn't be a housewife because I couldn't afford to. I work as a team with DH and I don't mind that my title reflects that.

To me, a sahm is someone who had a job before DC and intends to work again when they are a bit older. A housewife is someone who does the same work as a sahm if they have dc, but doesn't intend to return to a job for the foreseeable future.