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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much of a say do bridesmaids get on their dresses?

99 replies

SloanePeterson · 03/04/2015 16:16

Possibly about to out myself as a massive bridezilla so have donned my flameproof suit ready for a roasting. I'm getting married this year, it'll only be a small wedding and we're trying to do it as cheaply as possible. My dd is flower girl and I've asked my sister and best friend to be bridesmaids. Ds's dress is bought, as is mine, and both are ivory. I thought I'd like the bridesmaids in shades of ivory too. The difficulty here is that my dsis is away at university and my friend lives a good three hours away and getting them both together is a challenge to say the least. My dress is secondhand but beautiful, and neither bridesmaid objected to having second hand dresses, as they know we're trying to keep costs down and I'm not comfortable asking them to pay for their own dresses.

I've bought three good as new dresses, all different styles that haven't cost a lot at all, and with the intention of selling them back on if they're not right. My friend managed to come a few weeks ago, tried them all and loved them all, didn't mind which she wore. So far so good. My sister has come home from uni and has insisted that they're not right. She is as far from a diva as you could get, very bookish and, dare I say it, a bit dowdy, but she's decided she wants a very fitted dress, and in burgundy because she's so pale. I love my sister but I'm a bit thrown. I didn't mind the bridesmaids having different styles of dress, but burgundy is a no. It's a summer wedding and I wanted to keep it quite 'light' I suppose. Fake tan apparently isn't an option, and nor is a different bra, which I suggested might make one of the dresses look better.

We don't have a lot of cash but now my dad has said he'll pay for a new dress for dsis. I'm wondering if the issue is really that she doesn't want a secndhand dress, which is fine I suppose, my friend and I spent most of our uni days in one charity shop or another so it's not an issue for either of us. I want both of them to feel comfortable but I also don't want my friend to have to buy a new dress, which she's said now she will if she has to.

Where does this nudge into bridzilla territory? I want them both to feel and look great on the day, but I don't want to have to have dark dresses and I think that's what my sister is nudging for. Friend has similar colouring, looked great in the paler colour and honestly isn't fussed, though does have her heart set on one of the Ivory ones. How can I resolve this? I just can't get over my complete aversion to the idea of burgundy dresses!

OP posts:

SneakretSanta · 03/04/2015 16:19

Would your Dad pay for an ivory dress for your sister but in a style she likes and which really suits her?

Joyfulleastersquad · 03/04/2015 16:20

She doesn't get to choose the colour scheme. Ask her to pick one or none. Weddings bring out the diva in everybody.

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/04/2015 16:20

I chose the colour for the bridesmaid dresses, but the women in question had a say in the style because it was them who had to the dress.

I'd tell your sister no, personally.

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2015 16:22

You pick the colour scheme. If you let them pick a style that is generous of you.

Your wedding, you choose.

CalleighDoodle · 03/04/2015 16:23

I paid and bought the bm dresses on my own. This was after one bm said it was going to be so hard getting a dress all three liked and i thiught fuck that.

If they pay then they get to
Choose together.

owlonabike · 03/04/2015 16:24

It's your wedding- you're not being a bridezilla by choosing the colour scheme. However, your sister obviously wants to look good. Would a toning colour such as pale coffee suit her?

SneakretSanta · 03/04/2015 16:24

FWIW I'm also getting married this summer, with two teenage bridesmaids and a flower girl whose dresses I've paid for. Flower girl chose demanded a particular dress and I quite liked the colour (pale pink), so told the older two they could have any dress they wanted as long as they were church appropriate, within budget and vaguely matched the flower girl. Ended up getting two dresses in same material but different styles from one of those Hong Kong websites, they've just arrived and are great. Were about £30 each but look much more- might be a low budget way of starting again? I think it was called b2c dresses?

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 03/04/2015 16:24

Oh gosh, I was all ready to say you might need to chill a bit.

But, erm, no. Your sister needs to understand that being a bridesmaid means fitting in a bit. She might get to refuse to wear lime green, but not to actually insist on her preferred colour.

I had a vague idea of a colour and went shopping with my bridesmaid for something she liked, and I did too. Other people I know have emailed a few styles around for comments.

If she wants total choice over her outfit she needs to be a guest, not a bridesmaid.

ChipDip · 03/04/2015 16:24

She's your sister so why can't you just speak to her about it. Tell her that she can't have the burgundy colour and that's that.

MythicalKings · 03/04/2015 16:25

You get to choose the colour.

houseofnerds · 03/04/2015 16:25

She wants to choose the colour scheme? No. She can do that for her own wedding.
Older bridesmaids in ivory can look a bit bride-y, though. Why don't you go shopping with her and see if you can work something out in your own colour scheme. Make it a bonding experience with your sis rather than a site of conflict? If your dad is willing to pay, all good.

kewtogetin · 03/04/2015 16:26

Tell her she can choose whatever style she likes but you get to choose the colour, that's a compromise on both your parts and the only fair way to do it.

icelollycraving · 03/04/2015 16:26

I spent longer on Bm dresses than my wedding dress!
I would say no to burgundy but your dad can buy her the dresses so they match if that important to her. What colouring is she? Ivory can be a bit draining on some colouring.

ftmsoon · 03/04/2015 16:27

YANBU. Bridesmaid don't get to choose the colour of their dresses, they should accept the bride's choice. Hth.

icelollycraving · 03/04/2015 16:27

Btw Yanbu.

base9 · 03/04/2015 16:27

I think giving her a colour scheme (ivory), some money (how lovely of your dad) and relatively free choice of style is not at all bridezilla! Maybe your friend, or your Dad, or someone can explain to her? You are not making a ridiculous requesT.

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2015 16:28

Just a thought though, if all the dresses are so similar in shade, you won't exactly stand out...

Original poster

SloanePeterson · 03/04/2015 16:29

Owl, all three of the dresses ive picked are different shades, the darkest one is akin to a champagne/coffee and I also had her try on a dusky pink one. It's made more awkward that I thought she looked fine, more than fine, lovely in fact, in all three. I think the issue is that she's quite young for her 22 years, and has literally only just developed hips and boobs, I think this is more of an issue of being self conscious than anything else. She's a bit obsessed with the idea that anything that doesn't go straight down doesn't suit her, when in fact it actually highlights her tiny waist.

OP posts:

Koalafications · 03/04/2015 16:29

I chose the colour and sent ideas of dresses to the bridesmaids. They then both agreed on the dress that they liked.

A bridesmaid choosing the colour is not reasonable, IMO.

jerryfudd · 03/04/2015 16:30

I chose colour but let my bridesmaid (sister) pick her own dress. I think your sister is being unreasonable and purposefully difficult. Are you sure she wants to do it?

ShebaRabbit · 03/04/2015 16:30

If she's very pale (pinky white) then ivory wont do her any favours, how about something beige/pale gold? I wouldn't give in to the very fitted burgundy, sounds like she has a vision in her head of what she wants but its your wedding not hers. I had a bridesmaid from hell that I distanced myself from straight after my wedding, I know you cant do that with a sister but it seems to bring out the worst in some women.

misskatamari · 03/04/2015 16:30

Personally I think if you're paying you get to have what you want, as long as it's not really uncomfortable or unflattering. If your dad is offering to pay id specify a colour and some guidelines about what you'd like and let her see what she can come up with, but you get final say on okaying it

Stillyummy · 03/04/2015 16:30

As a vetren bridesmaid (6 times) I have never had any say in my dress and have always worn what people asked because it is there day, I have had mine.
(As luck would have it I loved 5 of them and the other one was ok, just not as me).

JeanneDeMontbaston · 03/04/2015 16:30

I do think that dictating what adult women wear is absurd.

But, at the same time, I can't imagine being a bridesmaid and insisting on one specific colour, that's equally picky.

Does she really look awful in ivory/pale colours? Some people really do. If not, I think she ought to accept you've tried quite a lot of ways to compromise by now.

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 16:31

The fitting of the dress I think you should give leeway in because I'd never force my friends to dress in something they'd feel uncomfortable in, but the colour? She can't expect to change the whole colour scheme. She's being precious.

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