How much of a say do bridesmaids get on their dresses?

[SloanePeterson]

Possibly about to out myself as a massive bridezilla so have donned my flameproof suit ready for a roasting. I'm getting married this year, it'll only be a small wedding and we're trying to do it as cheaply as possible. My dd is flower girl and I've asked my sister and best friend to be bridesmaids. Ds's dress is bought, as is mine, and both are ivory. I thought I'd like the bridesmaids in shades of ivory too. The difficulty here is that my dsis is away at university and my friend lives a good three hours away and getting them both together is a challenge to say the least. My dress is secondhand but beautiful, and neither bridesmaid objected to having second hand dresses, as they know we're trying to keep costs down and I'm not comfortable asking them to pay for their own dresses.

I've bought three good as new dresses, all different styles that haven't cost a lot at all, and with the intention of selling them back on if they're not right. My friend managed to come a few weeks ago, tried them all and loved them all, didn't mind which she wore. So far so good. My sister has come home from uni and has insisted that they're not right. She is as far from a diva as you could get, very bookish and, dare I say it, a bit dowdy, but she's decided she wants a very fitted dress, and in burgundy because she's so pale. I love my sister but I'm a bit thrown. I didn't mind the bridesmaids having different styles of dress, but burgundy is a no. It's a summer wedding and I wanted to keep it quite 'light' I suppose. Fake tan apparently isn't an option, and nor is a different bra, which I suggested might make one of the dresses look better.

We don't have a lot of cash but now my dad has said he'll pay for a new dress for dsis. I'm wondering if the issue is really that she doesn't want a secndhand dress, which is fine I suppose, my friend and I spent most of our uni days in one charity shop or another so it's not an issue for either of us. I want both of them to feel comfortable but I also don't want my friend to have to buy a new dress, which she's said now she will if she has to.

Where does this nudge into bridzilla territory? I want them both to feel and look great on the day, but I don't want to have to have dark dresses and I think that's what my sister is nudging for. Friend has similar colouring, looked great in the paler colour and honestly isn't fussed, though does have her heart set on one of the Ivory ones. How can I resolve this? I just can't get over my complete aversion to the idea of burgundy dresses!

Aw I can't bin her. I am going to talk to her properly today though and make it clear that she doesn't have to be bridesmaid if she doesn't want to be, but if she does then she's going to have to try and fit in a little. A little shopping and chatting time will be good for us both.

Mine were told the colour (I chose it, non-negotiable).

I had 3 bridesmaids and they got complete free choice over style/length. But with the limitation that they either negotiated and all chose the same style or all chose different (as two the same/one different would look odd).

It was a PITA tbh and I stayed out of it as much as possible as they wrangled and argued and went back and forth between dresses for weeks.

You would BU to force her into a style she hates but not bu to dictate the colour.

She IBU, you pick the colour scheme, she can pick the style. I'm getting married this year, my big sister is my only grown up BM and I've told her to pick any dress she likes and we'll pay, but it has to be in a certain colour. That way I know she can pick something to suit her shape and that she'll be happy with it. I was my sisters BM and she gave us the colour choice and all 4 of us BM's agreed on one style of dress that we all wore.

Good luck with your negotiations today. Hopefully with some encouragement she'll be happy in something mutually acceptable.

Good luck today OP. She doesn't get to choose colour and change your theme, if she finds something she likes in the colours you have and your dad is happy to pay then that's great.

I'm getting married in a few months and my only adult bm is my step daughter to be. I had an idea for colour scheme but couldn't find dresses in the scheme as its the wrong season. Took bm shopping, found a dress she likes in a colour/style that we both like and suits her but need to get it altered as its 3 sizes too big (only one available in the sale and from a previous season so not available elsewhere)

Good luck today and hope you find a compromise xx

Well, we went and I should say we have a solution but not before I got irrationally ragey and almost burst into tears . It is about more than the dress and actually it is making me question why I actually asked her to be bm in the first place. Yesterday was a test, very very frustrating.

We went shopping and the first thing I made clear was that burgundy was a definate no. She did admit that it was what she wore to our brothers wedding. She tried on many, many dresses and couldn't articulate why she didn't like any of them. Her body language was that of a sullen teenager tbh, she slouched and just stood there in them. Some of the dresses were just gorgeous, really really lovely, none made her washed out or were unflattering in any way. The only one she liked was a plunging, dark navy full length dress. It did look nice (or it did once we put the right bra underneath, arghhhhhhh) but imo was just far too eveningy and inappropriate for a church wedding, and completely at odds to the simple style of the other dresses. They didn't have it in the right size so we didn't buy it but the more I thought about it the more ragey I felt. I realised I was willing to change everything about the look of the wedding to appease her, and that actually, I really really didn't want to. I was surprised buy how much it mattered to me.

When we got home, I made her try on the dress that my friend loved, as it was the only one I'd not seen her in. She stood there pulling a face, and by this time my mum was there too and she was there shaking her head saying the dress was wrong, so mummy has definately fed the problem my sister has with her self image, not a surprise to me. I admit I lost it and said to my mum that she wasn't helping. My sister had the dress hafway down her chest, and I said if she just pulled it up, stopped slouching and actually made some bloody effort it would look lovely. Apparently this was a revelation, once the dress was actually pulled up it looked 'completely different' and she's agreed that she likes it so I'm on the hunt on ebay to get a matching one. They both look stunning in this dress, and I love it too, I'm just so cross about her attitude and complete lack of initiative. I've wasted a whole day dragging her round shops, getting more and more stressed when actually the dress she had in the first place was fine. Poor dp has had to listen to me rage all night.

I'm also cross that my mum and sister have booked their hair appointment for 1 o clock on our wedding day in a town half an hour away. Our ceremony is at 4, and getting the reception venue ready has already been agreed as a massive group effort, it's going to be lots of everyone mucking in, which everyone happily offered to do. Expect my mum and sister apparently have forgotten this. I'm honestly beginning to see the appeal of eloping. And the worst part is, all of this angst was started by a dress. A bloody dress. Why should it matter?? I hate how much this is bothering me, and it's bought so much to the surface that I don't know how to deal with

I've realised my sister is completely pandered to by my parents and its turned her into someone who's completely helpless, tactless and frustrating. The next thing is apparently shoes. Dsis has special feet that don't fit into many shoes, according to her and my mum, they're very narrow. Try on my shoes, I said. Wow, it's a miracle, they all fit. Because you have NORMAL feet just like everyone else you loon!

Bloody hell.

Weddings really do bring out the cracks in families don't they!

Well done for standing up to your mum, and snapping at your sister - it sounds like she needed it. It's nice to see people stand up for themselves rather than just being a doormat about things!

For the hair appointment, to be perfectly honest, it sounds like they would be more of a hindrance than a help, so let them get their hair done and stay out of the way. I would perhaps point out to them though that the ceremony starts at 1600 - if they are delayed, or haven't got their make up finished, or anything else, you will just start without them.

Have you spoken to your mum and sister? When I got engaged a good friend gave me sage advice that I too found on the run up and day: the people you least expect to cause you stress will be the ones who do.

If you sister is a pampered princess then you need to stop enabling the pampering, you'll thank yourself and she'll thank you in the long run. It's great to want your bridesmaids and guests to feel good but to stress you out and behave like a brat...guestzilla-in-training. If she throws any wobbles or your mum starts acting up then just disengage, ignore and let them rant while doing what's best for you and your OH.

OP I hope this is not going to sound too bitchy but this is your day you are planning, not your sister's or for that matter your Mum's It should be how you want it to be.
Having read the whole thread I am afraid I get the impression that your sister is just a bit making it about her. You have gone out of your way to meet her concerns and in the end there were none that have stood up. Now you should ignore the sulky teenager act and enjoy the rest of your planning for YOUR day.

You sound a lovely and considerate sister, but in the end if she doesn't want to be part of your wedding party then she doesn't have to be and you shouldn't have to be worrying about her.

Thank you for being so kind, I was convinced I'd be coming back here to a major telling off. Ives ust about calmed down now, I listed the two rejected dresses on eBay last night and they've sold already so I have enough to hopefully buy my sisters dress when I find it. I'm trying very hard to be zen and let this wash over me, but I'm getting so stressed about the whole wedding I completely agree that the people who are causing us stress are the ones we least expected. I have real trouble putting my foot down and actually saying that it's mine and dp's day, I really have had to try and accommodate everyone's feelings and opinions but our own. I'll try really hard to stop that now and be more forceful if I have to be.

Glad you have the dress sorted out, that must be a relief. Can you ask them to change their hairdressing appointments to 10-11 am or so? Then again, maybe it will be better for you if you sis isn't with you too much before the wedding in case she is all full of angst over how her hair turns out or something?
I have a feeling OP, that when your sister marries, you will be wearing a deep jewel tone.

Oh god, op I so feel for you, it reminds me of my own sister before I got married. She paid for her own bridesmaid dress so I just let her choose it herself. She was the only bridesmaid so it kind of didn't matter that it was totally random and I was a fairly non fussy bride, but, she did test my patience.

She is older than me and was single at the time, and did n't take very well to me getting married first even though it was going to happen at some point as I had been with DH for years by that point and I felt we had put it off as long as we could. I won't go into details about what happened, as in some ways she was quite good, helping with hen night etc, but when it came to the day itself it was all her and her insecurities.

However, she was not in a good place at the time so I let her get on with it. I think the poster who said let them go to the hair appointment so they are out the way has the right idea. Weddings can be emotional pressure cookers and if you've got people around who aren't going to be helpful, it could lead to confrontation. Like you, I ended up totally losing it at one point, but with my parents cos they kept making hilarious oh you're not ringing about that bloody wedding jokes jokes are you when I was trying to organise it which I found hurtful. I nearly lost it a couple of other times too but my advice is save the meltdowns unless you are really desperate, that way when they happen people will know you are serious.

Please also try not to let it ruin your day, unless your sis turns up in a clown costume, people will be looking at you and DP and celebrating your happiness, so try your best to ignore her histrionics as much as you can!

OP, you're not being a bridezilla. I think it's about time you stopped pandering to your mum and sister. Your DSis sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do. It's your wedding, she wears what you want her to wear. Be firm.

Glad you have it sorted, but she may have just agreed to the dress at the end to shut you up tho.

Personally (and i know this is the opposite of most of mn) but i would never wear Ivory and i think having such a rigid colour idea of you is a little unfair. I had 3 BMs and said the colour scheme is pink and they could choose any shade they liked. This meant they could be pastel, bright, dusky etc

My sister got married and chose an ivory and claret dress. (I was 18) I hated the dress i agreed reluctantly to it after she went on and on and made me feel bad because all the other BMs liked it - Yes, all completely different colouring and shapes to me. In end i felt uncomfortable and awkward all day and look so awful in the photos. Everyone who has seen them comments on how hideous i look - it's a family joke now She even says now she got wrapped up in things all matching rather than taking differences into account and it resulted in not the right look anyway as i looked so bloody awful.

It's your wedding, she wears what you want her to wear. Be firm

Totally disagree with this. It sounds like the kind of loonery you read on those wedding websites.

A friends Dad remarried. Friend and her sister were BMs to new step mum. Step Mum is from Nigeria and friend is Polish. Step Mum insisted the BMs wear traditional Nigerian bright patterned dresses. Step Mum and her nieces looked fantastic. My friend and her sister looked terrible. When they all walked up the aisle there were ohhs and ahhs which then turned to audible gasps and muffled sniggering.

If you want people to be in your wedding party then you clearly love them and want them to be happy and comfortable.

But the OP has tried, and in the end her DSis and DM are making it more stressful than it needs to be. At this rate the wedding will all be about her sister's whims and not much else.

MrsKoala, genuinely, the dress she's ended up with is gorgeous. So so flattering,classic and lovely. I've no doubt that when they left they probably had a grumble amoung themselves but tbh I'm past caring. I left two sick dc to go shopping on Saturday and now I'm stuck in bed too, and it was all a massive, indulgent waste of time on my sisters part. I had every sympathy thinking the dresses I'd picked maybe were awful on her, but they simply weren't. This was always going to happen I suppose but with 4 months left til the wedding Its taught me to be a bit more forceful if I have to be. I'm a worrier and I admit I do need to feel everything's under control, having spanners thrown in the works now would drive me mad if I let it. I've resolved that I'm not going to let things get to me. It's one day. Getting married is the important thing and we've both agreed that were it not for the dc and our families we'd happily just run off and do it next week. But since we are having a proper ceremony and reception, I don't think it unreasonable to want a say in how it goes. I've been bought up, ironically, to think it almost unspeakably rude to have an opinion on almost anything, and to consider other people's opinions as far more important that my own, which has led me to be a doormat to some really shitty people in the past. Having a firm opinion and expressing it doesn't come easily to me and I can already see it's going to cause a lot of angst in the coming months.

If you want people to be in your wedding party then you clearly love them and want them to be happy and comfortable.

Yes but not to the detriment of yourself. OP bent over backwards for her sister to accommodate and ended up feel stressed and sad because her sister showed how little she actually cared. In the wedding situation you descrie MrsKoala, it's fair enough if the Bride wants that however the Bride should and could have found some that suited your friend and sister- likewise they could have declined.

I wore a sari once for a wedding, some looked awful on me but some were lovely it was a matter of finding the right one in the colours the Bride&Groom liked.

I loved everyone at my wedding and in the party but we were frustrated at the guestzilla behaviour of one guest. I wish we hadn't tried to accommodate so hard since we didn't even get a congratulations in person let alone a card! That guest was known for being a 'princess' so no one was surprised in her just disappointed that she tried to make everything about her and because she's family we didn't not want her there. Her last request was a day before the wedding where she insisted she needed another plus 1 because she couldn't chose between her friend and her boyfriend!

OP you and your groom just do what's best for you and yours, people who don't like can decline. You sound like a very concious and accommodating person so I suspect if they are kicking off then it's because they think it's 'their day' not the day you and your DP get married.

It's not like the OP has tried to put her in some sort of hideous peach taffeta number, she's chosen three dresses all of which her DSis has sulked over and been pandered to by her DM. The only thing she wants to wear is the burgundy number from 10 years ago. She's 22 FFS, not a child and should therefore realise that this day isn't about her. I think the OP has been very reasonable and accommodating but her DSis is taking the piss and behaving like a spoilt child.

But since we are having a proper ceremony and reception, I don't think it unreasonable to want a say in how it goes

Sorry have i missed a post about your sister trying to change the wedding plans or arrangements? or is what type of dress she wears part of 'how the wedding goes'? If so i think that it is a very very small part.

Whether the dress is gorgeous is totally subjective tho and while you might think it was lovely and looked nice on her she obviously didn't.

I'm very surprised at how many 'your day your way hun' posts there are on here. I'm not saying your sister isn't being difficult, but i think people should choose their own clothes.

In the wedding situation you descrie MrsKoala, it's fair enough if the Bride wants that however the Bride should and could have found some that suited your friend and sister- likewise they could have declined.

I don't think declining was an option in this case, their mum had died and now their dad was remarrying and wanted them to be part of the wedding party.

But MrsKoala your case is fairly extreme. The bridesmaids were being asked to wear clothes that were totally outside of their culture and it sounds as if their skin colour etc was also overlooked, and so they looked quite strange to everyone.

In this case the OP initially offered a choice of dresses in slightly different colours and style, all of which she thought suited her sister but her sister rejected them all. Then she gave up a day to dress hunt with her sister, and her sister rejected all the dresses they tried on except for one dress that doesn't sound as if it fitted the wedding at all.

I've only been a bridesmaid twice, once as a child where I wore the dress provided without thinking twice, and once as a teenager where I wore the dress my big sister chose even though it wasn't a colour or style I would have chosen but it was her wedding and I wanted her to be happy, so griping about the dress wasn't on my agenda (and she recut it afterwards to make a prom type dress for me).

If your primary interest is wearing whatever you like then don't be a bridesmaid surely? It is generally accepted that bridesmaids wear themed dresses, and that theme is chosen by the bride because she thinks it it looks good.