Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How much of a say do bridesmaids get on their dresses?

99 replies

SloanePeterson · 03/04/2015 16:16

Possibly about to out myself as a massive bridezilla so have donned my flameproof suit ready for a roasting. I'm getting married this year, it'll only be a small wedding and we're trying to do it as cheaply as possible. My dd is flower girl and I've asked my sister and best friend to be bridesmaids. Ds's dress is bought, as is mine, and both are ivory. I thought I'd like the bridesmaids in shades of ivory too. The difficulty here is that my dsis is away at university and my friend lives a good three hours away and getting them both together is a challenge to say the least. My dress is secondhand but beautiful, and neither bridesmaid objected to having second hand dresses, as they know we're trying to keep costs down and I'm not comfortable asking them to pay for their own dresses.

I've bought three good as new dresses, all different styles that haven't cost a lot at all, and with the intention of selling them back on if they're not right. My friend managed to come a few weeks ago, tried them all and loved them all, didn't mind which she wore. So far so good. My sister has come home from uni and has insisted that they're not right. She is as far from a diva as you could get, very bookish and, dare I say it, a bit dowdy, but she's decided she wants a very fitted dress, and in burgundy because she's so pale. I love my sister but I'm a bit thrown. I didn't mind the bridesmaids having different styles of dress, but burgundy is a no. It's a summer wedding and I wanted to keep it quite 'light' I suppose. Fake tan apparently isn't an option, and nor is a different bra, which I suggested might make one of the dresses look better.

We don't have a lot of cash but now my dad has said he'll pay for a new dress for dsis. I'm wondering if the issue is really that she doesn't want a secndhand dress, which is fine I suppose, my friend and I spent most of our uni days in one charity shop or another so it's not an issue for either of us. I want both of them to feel comfortable but I also don't want my friend to have to buy a new dress, which she's said now she will if she has to.

Where does this nudge into bridzilla territory? I want them both to feel and look great on the day, but I don't want to have to have dark dresses and I think that's what my sister is nudging for. Friend has similar colouring, looked great in the paler colour and honestly isn't fussed, though does have her heart set on one of the Ivory ones. How can I resolve this? I just can't get over my complete aversion to the idea of burgundy dresses!

OP posts:
MyCatIsAGit · 03/04/2015 17:48

Why don't you ditch the idea of a theme, that's what I wish I'd done, now looking at the photos it all looks dreadfully matcha matchy. And no one got to wear quite what they wanted to. Go wild let them look beautiful in what they want to wear.

I had a very similar problem, niece who was quite young, never been a BM and hasn't got used to her figure, which I quite womanly. I started with her first, she lives a Long way away, and she was so self conscious in the ones she looked good in she wouldn't wear them. She's lovely but quite stubborn, clothes are a 'thing'. Eventually ended up with one that she would wear but it dictated everyone else's, including younger DSD who is very good with clothes and confident, who, in retrospect was quite charming about what she ended up in as were 2 younger nieces. But, see my sorts sentence,

Joyfulleastersquad · 03/04/2015 17:58

can she not fake tan?

BigFatFurryCatPuss · 03/04/2015 18:03

I had two adult bridesmaids (sis and sil) and i chose the colour scheme i wanted and they then chose the style of dress they preferred in that colour - Dsis chose a long, slim cut with a fishtail skirt and Dsil chose a strapless prom style dress. Both looked great and each dress complimented their figures, i don't think they'd have looked right in each other's dresses.

But i was the complete opposite of a bridezilla and really wasn't bothered on the details, if they'd hated the colours i'd have let them decide on another colour between them (excepy yellow, i hate yellow)

drudgetrudy · 03/04/2015 18:06

She sounds unconfident which is why she is making a fuss. Its your choice really and I would insist on the colour scheme you want but give her some leeway with style so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 03/04/2015 18:07

Don't feel terrible - it does come across that you are concerned about your sister. Actually, I opened this thread expecting it to be about bridal stuff but it is really much more about your relationship with her, isn't it? I get the sense that, even if you'd happened to pick burgundy as your colour, you'd still have some of the same worries.

Can you sit down with her in a really non-confrontational way and say that it's just occurred to you she might be doing this to please you, but feeling really nervous?

dragdownthemoon · 03/04/2015 18:09

I'm being a bridesmaid soon and we got to choose the style of our dresses but the colour was decided by the bride, it was never up for discussion and I would never expect it to be. You get to choose the colour scheme! Simple x

youmakemydreams · 03/04/2015 18:12

I am getting married in September and picked the dresses. One of my 4 bm's hated it from a picture but loved it in real life. It was a style we had talked about and I bought them on impulse when I saw 4 in the correct sizes extremely cheap. (4 for £60 in Debenmahs sale) they are all wearing different shoes and underskirts in bright colours of their choosing to mix it up a little. Is anything like that an option to her?
I was lucky my bm's all said they were happy to wear whatever as it was my wedding and I have done the same when I have been a bm.

I do think though that if you do need to change your friends dress in the end that you sell the ones you have and buy hers for her. She is being very gracious but it's not really fair to shift the goal posts now. I'd she had come on and posted this as her own aibu she would have been told she wasn't and that after being told her dress was paid for she now had to stump up for her that is wasn't fair.

Murphy29 · 03/04/2015 18:13

I only had DSis and she got free reign on style and colour as she was the one wearing it. I then used the colour she picked as the 'theme'. However, I know it's harder when more are involved as different tastes etc. I wouldn't want her to be uncomfortable but at the same time I can see why you don't want burgundy in the summer.

Splinters in bum here Grin

EstRusMum · 03/04/2015 18:15

I don't know whether anyone has offered it already, but you can offer some of the dress detail to be ivory and the same detail on your friend's dress can be burgundy. Like a belt. Or fake flowers/bow pinned on the shoulder+shoes. And you and a flowergirl could have burgundy coloured flowers?
Surely this could be done as a compromise?

LokiBear · 03/04/2015 18:16

I chose the colour, SIL chose the style and we went with it once the other bridesmaids had tried it on and agreed. SIL was the most fussy, but fortunately we both loved the style she chose. Your sis is being a bit of a diva. You choose the colour, it is your wedding x

Littlemonstersrule · 03/04/2015 18:24

Mine chose the style and colour as I wanted them to like them, it was done first so the rest could be planned around it. It didn't sit right to tell another adult what they should wear but most brides do pick.

SloanePeterson · 03/04/2015 19:33

Having a google, a lace up back might be what she's looking for, so I'll try and steer her towards that tomorrow maybe. You're quite right that this is about more than just a dress, it's far more about me wanting her to feel comfortable but also realise it's ok to act her age!

OP posts:
textfan · 03/04/2015 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lucked · 03/04/2015 21:19

Pale colours can be very difficult, especially if you lack confidence, but you choose the colour scheme.

I would go with your colour scheme off now and see if she finds anything with money from your dad. Just tell her deep colours are a no go.

Skiptonlass · 03/04/2015 21:27

I told mine 'there's no colour scheme (seriously, people DO that?? The mind boggles) pick something you like that suits you, just be wedding appropriate and run it by me first. I'll pay for it.'

It worked out fine. No one matched, everyone was happy.

Vijac · 04/04/2015 00:51

I wouldn't waste your planning time going shopping with her unless you'll enjoy it. Tell her you have other things to do for the wedding and she can buy a dress in x or y style and in one of these colour (print off what you're happy with, say cream, pinky, faun, charcoal etc.) or wear the one you got....Or do a reading instead!

Vijac · 04/04/2015 00:53

I wouldn't waste your planning time going shopping with her unless you'll enjoy it. Tell her you have other things to do for the wedding and she can buy a dress in x or y style and in one of these colour (print off what you're happy with, say cream, pinky, faun, charcoal etc.) or wear the one you got....Or do a reading instead!

GlitterBelle · 04/04/2015 02:09

Um, yes - the vast majority of people do have a colour scheme Skiptonlass. Most people match the dresses, flowers and table decorations. You don't have to, but it's bee the case at every wedding I've been to, and I've been to a lot - lots of cousins!

GlitterBelle · 04/04/2015 02:11

OP - YANBU. I don't think you should let her change the colour to burgundy. Compromising on the style is one thing - but changing from one colour to another very specific one and imposing it on you isn't on.

Hope you manage to resolve it with her and find a solution you're both happy with.

musicalendorphins2 · 04/04/2015 02:44

If I were in your shoes, I would not let her change the colour. This is your wedding, you are the bride, the one to decide the colours. When she has her wedding, she can have her bridal party in whatever colour she likes, but not this time. It is NOT her place. She can however, step down from being bm if she insists on being so difficult.

I would tell her she can get a new dress (paid for by your father) but it must be approved by you and be ivory colour. If she doesn't want ivory, just ask her if it means that she is stepping down as bridesmaid, or maid of honour. Tell her she can sleep on it for a few nights if she needs more time to decide. Ivory, approved by you, or she is a guest, in burgundy.

musicalendorphins2 · 04/04/2015 03:08

PS If the main issue is her pale arms, could she wear a sheer lacy boleoro type thing with the dress?

1
2
satin 3
4 satin jacket
shrug style
long sleeves

SunflowerSmile · 04/04/2015 03:14

I think this comes down to your Dsis not understanding wedding etiquette- which is not her fault as she is young. It is not simply choosing a colour for her to wear as a guest -she is part of your bridal party which means you get to influence the colour scheme. There may be a gentle way of explaining this to her?

Good luck -you sound lovely OP and it is kind that you are being considerate of her feelings.

nooka · 04/04/2015 04:01

I think a top of some sort is a really good compromise (not that you really need to offer one) alternatives to a jacket might be a shawl/scarf type wrap if she is self conscious about her shoulders/arms and feels the need for a darker colour near to her face. You could add some small details in that colour to the rest of your party - obviously picking a colour that you both like.

nooka · 04/04/2015 04:03

If she's old enough to be at university she should be old enough to understand that it is normal as a bridesmaid to wear whatever the bride picks, regardless of whether it woudl be your personal choice of dress.

neenawnee · 04/04/2015 04:27

I've been the naughty bridesmaid . When my sister married I politely declined being a bridesmaid at the point where she wanted to surprise me with the dress .I was flying in the day before the wedding have begged only 5 days off work to travel 31 hours each way. Felt shite though .
When I married , I chose bridesmaids who were 3, 5,7 ans 9 and simply delighted to wear a swishy dress.
Bin her OP .