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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel sad about being dumped by my deceased dh

110 replies

Mermaidhair · 02/04/2015 05:52

I had a reading with a medium yesterday. This medium is quite famous, very expensive and it took me a while to get an appointment. She was the real deal, she had written down a load of information before I even arrived. She asks the persons name and aged at death that's it. She asks you not to say anything at all during the reading. Basically I feel like I have been dumped by a deceased person! My dh said it is time for me to move on, he still loves me, it's just a different shade of love! I'm feeling really really sad:( We were so so in love, i can understand him wanting me to move on, but being told he loves me in a different shade is fucking with my head a bit! Am I loosing it? It has been 12 months. Our children are Tweens, teens or adult. Xx

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 02/04/2015 07:08

Do not be ashamed- you are in a vulnerable state looking for answers or reassurance. The so called medium ought to be ashamed - but won't be.

Bifald · 02/04/2015 07:10

She was trying to help and got there before u were ready.

[Brew]

MidniteScribbler · 02/04/2015 07:10

Even with just your name, she would be able to find out an awful lot. As a "medium" it wouldn't be a stretch for her to look at her facebook or other social media, find a reference to a deceased partner, and assume it was him you were going to talk about. Even so called 'private' facebook pages can reveal an awful lot of information about people. I bet if you look at your online footprint you'll find a picture somewhere of you, your DD, or your DH with that keyring. It's finding little details which make people think it is real. It's not, it's just some skillful googling.

Yepcomfortable · 02/04/2015 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 02/04/2015 07:22

Gosh! That google search was interesting - I found my doctoral thesis!

Moreisnnogedag · 02/04/2015 07:23

Oh I'm sorry for your loss. Can only echo what previous posters have said.

Don't feel bad about going to her - she's a horrible confidence trickster who should be deeply ashamed. Believe what your dh told you and what you feel, not someone channeling hallmark cards.

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 02/04/2015 07:31

Thank you everyone for replying you are all so sweet and kind. Flowers

OP posts:
MyArksNotReady · 02/04/2015 07:31

She has probably meant to soothe you with her comments about your DH love.

I agree your money would be better spent in councelling.

PunkrockerGirl · 02/04/2015 07:47

Sorry for your loss, OP Flowers

Please don't let this experience detract from your memories and feelings for your lovely dh.

loveareadingthanks · 02/04/2015 07:59

She is a conwoman. Plain and simple.

I know someone who works as a mindreader/magician similar to Derren Brown. He is not famous, but does very well with corporate and theatre gigs. He can 'read your mind'. He is very good. People are amazed and astonished by what he does. At the end of his act he makes it very clear it's all tricks. He even does an act where he teaches his audience to do it!

I've seen Derren Brown. He debunks mediums and is constantly warning people about them. He does cold readings as part of his act - making sure everyone knows it's a trick.
I've seen Penn and Teller. They did a cold reading element to their act. It was incredible. They then went on a 10 minute furious rant about mediums being utter scum and vultures and do not ever ever believe a word they say - it's exactly the same trick.

Mediums exploit hurt and vulnerable people who are looking for comfort. Mediums are despicable people.

Please put this out of your mind. You know exactly how your husband felt about you and if you believe in an afterlife, you know exactly how he feels about you now. You only have to look in your own heart, don't listen to a wicked woman.

MyArksNotReady · 02/04/2015 08:03

I think it is harsh to call the medium you seek out evil. Yes they take advantage of the vulnerable. The vulnerable are seeking these mediums out, the medium is not cold calling at their door.

Bifald · 02/04/2015 08:08

mummytime that is horrifying!

I googled my name and my country last night (there are many people with my name) but googling my name and country lead me to good reads where I had reviewed about 145 books!!!!! I was a bit Shock that this came up in line 3 of a google search of my name because it's not a linked in profile, it includes books that are quite personal and my choice of books and my reviews of them would reveal so much. Not sure what to do about that, to allow good reads to stay or to delete it.

loveareadingthanks · 02/04/2015 08:10

So it's ok to con people if they have responded to your advertising and marketing? Then it's fair game and not wicked to con grieving, desperate people? Are you saying it's their fault they have been conned?

It's only not ok to con people if you have knocked on random doors trying it on?

Goldmandra · 02/04/2015 08:10

They take advantage of the vulnerable. it is not in the slightest bit harsh to call them evil.

Anyone who makes money out of someone else's grief and, in the process, knowing risks making their distress worse deserves everything they get and more.

MyArksNotReady · 02/04/2015 08:13

Don't pin your thoughts and words onto me.

Bifald · 02/04/2015 08:14

lots of people go to mediums for fun though. not my idea of fun. But when I was workign in london gangs of women used to go to mediums! "for the laugh"

SqueezyCheeseWeasel · 02/04/2015 08:18

Fucking outrageous charlatan profiting from a vulnerable person's pain and loss. Disgusting.

OP, please don't let this con artist darken and spoil memories of your relationship with your H with her poisonous bollocks. Flowers

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 02/04/2015 08:22

This medium was not the 'real deal.' A friend of mine is a stage mentalist and does the same cold reading that a medium/psychic does. It is all down to body language. When this cold reading is combined with the research that is done on the internet it makes for a convincing act. The mediums who make their fortunes in this arena rely on the bereaved persons pain and the hope of contact. The damage they can do is significant.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry that you have been preyed upon in this way.

It may be that some time with a bereavement counsellor will help. In the short term get out the photos, laugh, cry, remember and talk to friends and family who knew how much your partner loved you to exorcise this women's stupidity.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/04/2015 08:22

Mermaidhair, first of all I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was about to come on and say what everyone else said about these charlatans who prey on vulnerable people.

Then I read the bit about the keyring. I've got an Irish shamrock key ring. It looks like a four leaf clover. Well, I used to have it but it's lost. I reckon about 7 out of 10 people who go to Ireland buy one (I bought more, as gifts) and, because these thingsare always cheap tatt, they soon break / go missing / disappear into the depths of your handbag. So it's not a massively odd thing at all to mention. If she's looked on fb and seen you or your daughter in Ireland, it's a pretty good bet thing to mention, yet sounds so personal. These people are clever. Very clever.

I'm so sorry but this woman is not in touch with your husband. Try and put it outbid your mind.

Andrewofgg · 02/04/2015 08:29

Real deal, true medium, gifted medium . . . RUBBISH.

There is no such thing.

Most are frauds; a few may perhaps believe their own nonsense but it's still nonsense. Please OP forget it, write off the money, and put this behind you. Flowers to you.

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 02/04/2015 08:31

We are in Australia so it's a very unusual key ring to have here. My daughter with the key ring is my dh step daughter, the key ring was given to her by her bio dads new girlfriends sister who lives in Ireland. A bit of a mouthful I'm sorry, so this is all new within the last six months. I'm not trying to make excuses, it just has me rattled because it isn't a key ring that you see in Aus! I am going to have some more grief counselling, I thought I was ok, but this shows I'm not. Again thank you to everyone being so kind. Flowers

OP posts:
FlaviaAlbia · 02/04/2015 08:31

Agree she was a charlatan.

If she had your full name in advance she would have been able to check your personal history, records of marriage, children, find out your husbands date of death.

Don't take her spiel to heart, your memories and feelings are the real ones, hers are not.

Flowers for your loss

BitOutOfPractice · 02/04/2015 08:41

I disagree it's unusual. I bet a straw poll of friends would show you that a considerable proportion have had a have a lucky shamrock / four leaf clover thing at some time. Those Irish get everywhere Wink

Counselling sounds like a good idea though. Thanks

KittyandTeal · 02/04/2015 08:44

These things make me so angry.

Mediums are not real, I know you are desperate to be able to hear from you dh one last time, they take advantage of how vulnerable and desperate you are.

You dh loves you, he did, if you believe in an after life then I'd say he still does.

Your love doesn't change over time now, it is frozen because he is no longer here.

Part of grieving is not accepting that your life with that person will no longer naturally evolve.

I am so sorry for your loss but this medium has set you back and it's just plain cruel.

Have you seen a bereavement counsellor? If not it may help you.

AlbertSpanglersConscience · 02/04/2015 08:45

Please do the google search with quotes as pp suggested. It's shocking. I have come up with my name, what I like on Facebook, my age group, where I went to uni, my general address, who else lives at my house and my twitter thing in the space of a few seconds.
With the greatest respect and sympathy to yourself, if we could really speak to dead people - proven and definite - so many of us would be doing it a lot of the time. It's awful that people are even allowed to prey on the vulnerable like this.
The most useful thing I was told after bereavement was to imagine a line of identical balls. Each ball was my grief. Then imagine that each identical ball is in a jar but each jar in the line gets bigger. So the first ball fills the jar and the last jar is much bigger so the ball inside looks small even though it's the same size as the first ball. The ball is the grief and the jar is your life. The grief is always there but with time it doesn't fill your whole life, which expands around it.
Sorry for the long post but I found the jar thing iso helpful. Sorry that your lovely husband died too.