to think SAHMs should stop referring to this as "a full time job"?

[ConfusedintheNorth]

Ok I'm probably going to get pulled apart for this, but this really gets under my skin. Every time I go on facebook or twitter there are a barrage of statuses/comments from friends who are SAHM going on about how busy and hectic their lives are and how "being a mother is a full time job", and it's driving me insane! I'm sorry but it's just not, is it? I was a single mother who home schooled, and ran my own business full time, and managed to get through every day without any sort of time travel devise. I am aware everyone does things differently and I'm possibly over reacting, but seriously if you only have a couple of kids, a supportive partner and don't have to work, in the grand scheme of things you have it pretty good and should probably stop endlessly telling the world how hard your life is. (and breath!)

Being a sahm isn't a 'full time job'. The term 'job' implies having a boss, getting paid, going to an interview to get it, and being able to be fired.

However, I'm a sahm and it is work. I've changed x nappies today, made 5 lunches and cleaned up after, gotten play dough out and tidied up after etc, etc. That isn't something that a wohm would have done because they have paid someone else to do that work for them while they're at their job. A baby doesn't save its dirty nappies all day for its mum to change when she gets home at night.

Also, I think most wohms aim for a 50/50 split of housework with their DP. However, I (happily) do 95% of the housework because I am home all day and this is what I feel is fair in our family. So I do think that I do more housework than most wohms because I don't share it with DH. (This allows DH to have a more demanding job which in turn earns more money for our family, allowing me to not have a job so we are both happy with the situation.)

Surely all family units need to bring in income and raise children (if there are any). Why does it matter if both parents work but have a cleaner and childminder, or if one parent works and one parents takes care of the house and kids, or if both parents work and share the burden of house responsibilities. Why do we have to compare our lives to everyone else? Surely we just do what works best for our own family and get on with it.

It is odd how everyone assumes whom has child care. I know lots of women and men who do child care between them, opposite hours etc. I work nights, so today I'm with dcs, when dp home I go back to bed for 2 hours then do 11 hour night shift, and will stay up all day tomorrow till dp get back after work. Thank god I've got all next week!

It's like someone who can't afford bus fare listening to someone complain that their Mercedes has been scratched.

Now I will never own a Mercedes (short of a lottery win) but I'm still sympathetic to someone who has their Mercedes scratched. They have every right to be pissed off.

There is always someone worse off than you. Having a moan to friends is allowed.

Although I'm stunned that you have time to spend on fb as well as home ed/full time work/ generally being fucking amazing.

What confuses me with threads like this is what the hell happens to the kids when the "mum" is working?

Do they dissapear into thin air? Who is caring? teaching? looking after? feeding? nurturing etc etc etc - those kids?

Someone - doing their JOB I assume - whether that be child minder, nursery worker, teacher etc .

Whilst SAHM may be stopping off at the park on the way home from school, feeding the ducks etc with the kids - Working mums are flling the same time doing their jobs they get paid to do. Neither is better or worse - but someone else somewhere is doing something with the working mums kids.

Am I making sense here?

Different approaches. Neither right or wrong but unless working mums kids are put away in a cupboard whenever mum goes to work - someone somewhere is doing something for and with those kids!

swazza, when my dc was little, she was asleep for most of the time when I was at work. Now, she is at school.

She would sleep and go to school regardless of whether I work or not.

Not so long ago there was a thread on here where numerous SAHM's were admitting to living a life of Riley - admittedly these were one who had children at school full time.
I think if you have kids at school full time - get a job and contribute to the economy (unless you are one of the few who has a DP earning a wage big enough to support your family without claiming tax credits etc then fair enough be a SAHM and enjoy your life of Riley guilt free).

I actually think it's fine for sahms of school aged children to live the life of Riley, if that's what works for them and their families. We all do what works for us.

What I don't understand is why some sahms claim that they have such a hard job.

I do think it's hard for parents of children with certain disabilities, who may have no choice but to sah. Similarly, it's tough for people who are unable to earn enough to make work worthwhile. But why some people choose to sah and then spend their lives moaning about how hard it is, I really cannot fathom. Why not just get a job?!

I wonder if women who SAH when they don't need to (I.e their children are at school) and enjoy the fact they can say "my husband earns enough money to keep us" are adding to the sex divide in society. Doesn't it add to the cliche of the woman at home doing the cleaning and cooking whilst the man goes out to work.

If I had school age children and could take a part time or full time job then I would want to so I could feel that I was also making a financial contribution to the household. I would never want to be 'kept'.

Halestorm I don't think it is anywhere near as easy as that unfortunately.

As I posted upthread, it is very easy to find childcare for a pre school child, but when I recently tried to find childcare for an 8 year old it was impossible. If life were simple everyone who wanted childcare could find it, and afford it, everyone who wants to work full time could do so without judgement, and everyone who wants to be a sahm could do so without judgement, and everyone who wants to work part time could find a nice job, close to home, with term time working, and 9.15 to 2.30 working patterns. Everyone would be happy. But that's not real life at all, and everyone is just doing their best and what works for them. The only thing we can control is the decision not to be judgemental towards how other parents choose to do things.

Incidentally, the 'go out and contribute to society' line is not anywhere as near as clear cut as all that. If I went to work the salaries, even for skillled jobs, in my area are so low that my overall income tax bill for the year would be more than cancelled out by the fact that all the unpaid work I do looking after my elderly parents would end up beong picked up by the taxpayer. My annual income tax bill would be cancelled out in a fortnight probably.

In my own experience staying at home is much easier.Im chasing my tail constantly when I'm at work.When I'm not working I'm not under pressure.Its a privilege to be able to stay at home if that is what you have chosen to do

I am a SAHM who lives the life of Riley and a, quite open about that, although I don't just plonk my children in front of C Beebies all day - although I will now and again so that I can read.

I am not claiming anything from the state in order to do so and therefore it is not anybody else's business. I am contribution financially, we have a number of finanical investments and I have recently started my own business.

I am not a "kept" woman, our family does not need more money but it does need a sense of calm and someone making sure that it all runs smoothly - which is my role. I am not creating a gender divide. I have had two successful careers and am just taking a break. I suspect that within five or ten years DH will also have scaled back his working commitments as well. I suspect that as a man he will just enjoy the break rather than having to claim how hard life is to justify himself.

Sorry awful typos in that post, I am a bit distracted.

I found the hardest part of being a SAHM was staying "interesting". Very easy (for me, at least) to switch off from the real world out there.

mmm - 'cos obviously if you are not working at a job you are not earning, so are "kept"...

kept in MY house, taking holidays with the money MY shrewd investments earn.

my DH does earn enough to keep us day to day, I do not have a job - that does not mean I earn no money. Conventional lives are not all there is.

I find it easier to be interesting now that I am s SAHP, more time to read, meet friends, listen to the radio, visit museums, galleries etc. No more working in the evening means time to go to the cinema, theatre, out to dinner etc. When DH gets home we have time to relax and chat over a bottle of wine rather than trying to clean the house and mark that set of books. We also manage to get away more often because the holidays are not taken up with cleaning or just recovering from a long term.

Endless debate this one! The only people who have a problem with what others are doing in my opinion are those who aren't 100% sure on their own decisions or are jealous of what other people have.

I won't justify my decisions to others, to me I made them because I believed they were the right things to do, my kids are happy and there is absolutely no reason why anyone else should care.

If you aren't working you cant claim you're not taking anything from the State, the NHS isn't free you know.

Sitting on fence here...

Some observations following on from titsa's post...

It is ALL relative:
Different people find different parts of paid work /home work interesting /boring stressful or not..

Some people enjoy feeling they are the only people in the world with their particular type of stressors for which they deserve massive sympathy!

One pal was always complaining about her lot whether she was at home or in work or in work wirh loads of home help. She liked moaning /feeling hard done by... A lot...

One fave of mine :there were too many choices of very posh, very expensive goose feather duvets to choose from... And it was making her VERY stressed..!

I think the issue for the OP isnt who has the hardest job, but her perception that SAHMs spend a lot of time moaning about how hard their lives are.

• i think that most women feel the need to justify themesleves (they dont need to, but FEEL they do, to those who have made differnt choices) so those who wpare SAHM say their lives are hard, they dont get a lunch break or down time without the children, or money etc etc because they feel they need to justify being at home. Those who work, often feel a bit bad for not being there all the time like the SAHMs so justify it in terms of providing a good working role model etc etc.
• ultimately, i would say that being a SAHM is hard work if the children are at home all day, but i wouldnt call it a 'job'. The only people who really should be moaning are those who are having to be SAHM because they cannot afford to work and working is actually what they would prefer to do.....then again, we all have to recognise that our lufe choices involve sacrifices and maybe this is the sacrifice for some people.
• personally, i think that being a SAHM to school aged children is a luxury choice. Great if you can afford to do it. Great if you find that your days are filled usefully with home/voluntary stuff....and if they are filled with lying on the sofa watching TV, well thats your choice too. I do think it is insensitive of those who are SAHM to school aged children to go on about how hard their lives are - the round of drop offs and pick ups from a plethora of extra curricular actitivies, in my mind isnt as hard as the meeting of tight deadlines, working into the night and coping with last minute illness. I think iy is this which annoys the OP.

The trouble is, we all get wrapped up in our own little worlds and forget the challenges people who have made different choices to us face. Many of us like to think we have it 'hard' and there are days when life is hard, whatever our choices. The thing that springs to my mind as being something we should all appreciate is CHOICE. If we had a choice (and many peopke do have more choice than they claim about working/not working - if they had considered the later impact of their choices in the 10 years before having children) then we should be grateful.

Perhaps we should all try to moan less and be more empathetic to how our moaning is heard by those who live different lives to us, not always rough choice.

Possum we have private health care.....

And do you use that for your GP?

I haven't been to my GP for about 15 years. Not that its any business of yours, of course.

I happen to think my quality of life as a sahm is very good. It suits me as I enjoy all that baking/ crafting with the kids, going to playgroups, etc, and I have free time to pursue my own interests. I don't complain to anyone as even when my days are difficult, I know I have the life I want. I agree with others who are saying that those who start these 'debates' seem to be unhappy with their own situations.

I am not 'being kept' because if I ceased to exist, DH would spend thousands yearly in childcare, cleaning, take away, and all the things he wouldn't have time for.

Athrawes, hoping someone will pay for me? My kids are at school but still I choose not to go out to work, and never intend to, hope you don't mind!! My husband will be paying for me forever because that's how we like it, I also have a cleaner and sometimes employ childcare, hope you don't mind? Actually I couldn't care try not to choke on your bitter bile!!