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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

485 replies

LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 20:55

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

OP posts:
Silentelf · 31/03/2015 21:29

I bet my MIL could have written this about me a few years ago! I did find her very overbearing and tried to keep her at arms length. Didn't spend a Christmas with the ILs for 7 years! But she did back off, of her own accord and now we have a great relationship. We live over 200 miles away but she comes to stay every fortnight and I couldn't do without her. So please give them space to be themselves, recognise they are each others priority now and hopefully that will allow your relationship to bloom.

Original poster
LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 21:29

She is controllijng though confused, everything has to be approved by her.

OP posts:
MsJupiter · 31/03/2015 21:29

Thing is, even if your DS is weak/has rushed into things/is under the control of your DIL, it's his choice to make those mistakes. I can imagine it must be really hard but the absolute best thing you can do is welcome and embrace your DIL and her daughter, get to know them as much as poss, be a loving and supportive presence in all their lives. If it works out, you'll be laying the foundation for many happy Christmases to come. If not, your son will know his Mum is there for him and believes in him. Win-win.

Mrsstarlord · 31/03/2015 21:29

It sounds like you are concerned that you are losing your control influence over your son. I think perhaps it's time to read the responses objectively and rather than assume people think YABU because you haven't explained yourself, consider the possibility that YA actually BU.

LittleBairn · 31/03/2015 21:29

FFS they aren't breaking families apart they have created a new one.
Surely you know that its very common to alternate Christmas? This can't be the frost time you have heard of it.
No matter who he married it was highly likely ths would always have happened, especially once kids are involved.

StopTheFog · 31/03/2015 21:30

YABU
Loads of children move away from their families without any malign intent. Stuff happens. It's been a difficult job market since 2009 and people have had less choices.
My parents and my in-laws live 450 miles apart. We can't live near both yet neither has been selfish enough to assume they have top rights. The families aren't "broken apart". How over dramatic.
Of course Christmas alternates. Whatever did you expect?
And of course they should do things their own way, not your way.

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:30

How are you "relegated to duty visits"?

How often do they come? How long do they stay for?

pootlebug · 31/03/2015 21:30

"although it looks as if I haven't explained well at all".

Yes, you have explained very well. Please don't think that the vast majority of posters don't agree with you because you haven't explained it right.

I am married, with kids. When I say 'My family' I fundamentally mean the ones that live in my house. Me, my husband, our kids. Not my parents. It doesn't mean I love my parents any less but I'm an adult and so they are my more extended family, not my immediate family. That's just how it is for everyone, isn't it?

I imagine DIL laughs when you 'show concern for DS' as you are OTT in your concern for him compared to the average concern shown for a grown adult by his parents. I really hope you can manage to tone it down a bit or else you are going to end up even more distanced by both of them.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 31/03/2015 21:30

well if it affects her life, why not>? how do you know stuff her own parents want isnt also being approved by your son?

Lonecatwithkitten · 31/03/2015 21:30

You have failed to realise:
A daughter is a daughter for life
A son is a son till he gets a wife
Old rhyme, but very true.

NailItToTheCounterLordFerguson · 31/03/2015 21:30

With the best will in the world, I think you need to stop regarding him as your son, i.e. the child that he used to be, and see him for the man that he is.

It's hard for you because it's come all in a rush (or so it seems from your perspective), but if you try your best to be happy for him and supportive of them, you will find that your relationship will be better for it.

And yes, the three of them (and any future children) is their nuclear family, with parents and siblings becoming the wider family now. It is a big adjustment, but one worth making, I promise. You will gain more than you think you will 'lose'.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 31/03/2015 21:30

MY DH cant say no to his DP so they ask something he just says yes.

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:31

Of course visits etc have to be run by her first - otherwise how does your son know if she's available to come and visit?

It would be very odd if you and your son organised visits and she just got the three line whip, don't you think?

You're starting to sound unhinged.

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:32

Lonecat that is utter bullshit

attheendoftheday · 31/03/2015 21:32

What did you imagine would happen when your children grew up and had families of their own?

Do you identify more with your parents or your own partner and children?

I think YABU.

Coyoacan · 31/03/2015 21:33

Dear OP, I do hope you can take the comments here on board. It must be very hard for you that they have moved away, but I see nothing that says this is your DIL trying to break up your family.

As for your son's health issues, it does sound like you have become overprotective of him and that she is gently trying to retrain you.

Go with your initial feelings about her and you will acquire two new people into your family rather than drive your son away.

MarwoodsMate · 31/03/2015 21:33

"...why do I get relegated to duty visits and calls when DIL approves?"

As opposed to what?

LittleBairn · 31/03/2015 21:33

Why should her parents be relegated to 'duty' visits over you? You still haven't explained why you feel you should take priority at Christmas over DIL family?

Discounted · 31/03/2015 21:33

I was wondering that Closer.

OP we are now NC with MIL, which was entirely DH's choice and which I tried to persuade him against for much longer than I should have done.

He said he didn't want anything to do with someone who held such strong feelings against me and he certainly didn't want her in a position where she could influence our DC. I argued that she was his mother etc etc. I know she thinks it was all down to me but it really wasn't, it was entirely down to her behaviour.

AGirlCalledBoB · 31/03/2015 21:34

YABU

It's easy to say the dil is being controlling when you don't want to admit your son is growing up and further away from you.

Original poster
LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 21:34

They've only visited twice so far and probably won't more than twice or three times a year, and I mean that if DS wants to visit but DIL can't be bothered they won't come

OP posts:
TheLastMan · 31/03/2015 21:34

You're not relegated to visits when your DIL decides it's OK.

You have some visits from your ds and his fiance when it works for them. (him, her and them together as a family). Unfortunatly, his family with his future wife IS and will be the most important.

What you really need to be careful about is that, if you think it's all her fault and resent her for 'reducing' the number of visits to you, they will both feel the bad atmosphere and will avoid coming.
Not the result you wnated to get.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/03/2015 21:34

Oh I hate that rhyme Lone and I don't think it is true. fingers crossed anyway

OP, given they live miles away and have a dd because she is now his dd what do you want to happen? What level of visits, with whom, would be acceptable to you?

Now think really carefully about what you are asking and think about if you would feel it would be reasonable if you were in DILs shoes.

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:34

Agreed, if you want to ensure that your son retreats as far away as possible from you, both physically and metaphorically, then carry on doing exactly what you're doing...

Mostlyjustaluker · 31/03/2015 21:35

OP you are coming across as very controlling. You said you son will do anything for an easy life so maybe that what he is doing when he agrees with you? His new wife and child are his immediate family and they should be his priority.

If you think your dil is controlling perhaps you can give some examples.