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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have dc3 when Dh isn't keen? Says he's too old at 41

80 replies

MaidenZilk · 29/03/2015 21:25

Would you say 41 is too old to have a baby, if you're the dad?

To put my situation in context, we were very unsure about having children when we got married and waited 10 years before having any. All throughout my pregnancy I was really unwell, extremely sick, (horrendous to live with I'm sure considering we had so long with just the two of us). Our ds instantly became our pride and joy, we love him to bits and were utterly thrilled and besotted with our new son. We said all along that we were only going to have one child and I was fine with this during pregnancy. However the very second I held my son, I knew I wanted another, dh was less sure but when ds was 22 months our dd was born.

To say I'm in love with my daughter is an understatement! It's ridiculous! I go around with a big grin on my face and so very fortunate that I have a little girl and a little boy. This from someone who had never even held a baby until she was 33! It shocks me that I almost wasn't going to have children and before having a baby never felt broody.

Now the AIBU part: I want another!

Dd is 16 weeks and I want another. I think about it all the time; I feel sad that I might not get to have one or to be pregnant again.

Dh looks at me with horror when I mention it. He says he's too old at 41 to be trying for another and I'm getting on also at 35. His other reasons are;

I suffer from horrendous MS during oregnqncy
I had to have 10 weeks off work last time
MS and 2 under 3 would be a real challenge
We have no family support
We aren't big earners, both FT work but not megabucks
I've had to have 2 sections and he doesn't think another would be ok
I'm in the process of being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and I suffer from excrutiating pain post pregnqncy

And the big one- went into marriage not wanting to have children and now I'm changing the goalposts by wanting a third baby.

I don't know where these feeling have come from. I desperately want abother dc.

Written down AIBU but am I?

OP posts:
Lyinginwait888 · 29/03/2015 21:30

No help whatsoever but watching thread with interest. I've started a similar one today, although my DH isn't against the idea - just don't know!

Fairylea · 29/03/2015 21:31

I don't think 41 is too old for another baby for either sex but that's not really the issue, the issue is he doesn't want another. I think the health reasons are valid to be honest - I nearly died having both my dc and to consider another would be a big risk to take. Personally I also think at 16 weeks it's really early to be considering another - you could leave it a while and approach it again when a bit of time has passed. For me when I was in the new baby stage it was all so full on the last thing I wanted to do was think about another!

GlitteringJasper · 29/03/2015 21:33

you aren't old but you arent spring chickens either.

It's hardSad

What's to say you wouldn't want a forth?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2015 21:34

It doesn't really matter what his reasons are. As long as he doesn't want another child, that's the reality. In the case that one person wants another (or any) and one doesn't, I'm afraid it's pretty clear there shouldn't be another.

I write as someone who wanted two and I have one, because DH was done.

Karoleann · 29/03/2015 21:36

I think its very normal to have thoughts of having another baby when you have a 16 week old. I'm sure I thought that after DC3, the urge disappeared quite quickly though.

The reasons that your DH has given are all very good ones and I agree with him.

IndecisionCentral · 29/03/2015 21:37

4 moths is classic hormone induced broodiness stage. Give it a year and see how you feel.

Regardless of his age YWBU to push this when he doesn't want another child.

BernadetteMatthews · 29/03/2015 21:38

I think she isn't the issue but his other reasons are very valid.

Writerwannabe83 · 29/03/2015 21:38

I have a DS and me and DH always agreed we'd only ever have one.

DS has just turned one and I have been starting to have thoughts about another baby and it upsets me to think I won't do it all again.

I have spoken to DH but he really isn't keen on the idea so I guess that's that. One of the reasons he gives is that he feels too old to be starting all over again and he's only 33.

GlitteringJasper · 29/03/2015 21:39

Cringe fourth

MrsFlannel · 29/03/2015 21:39

You're not unreasonable to want another but he doesn't....so you can't.

Your hormones are kicking off...mine do that just after birth and for a few months...I always think I need another baby immediately.

But your descriptions of how you feel about your children are nothing new...of course you are besotted etc. Most parents are.

Doesn't mean DH should be bullied into another. I'm 42 and a couple of years ago thought I wanted "one last baby" and now...I'm too old. I know I am. I'm too tired. So yabu

BernadetteMatthews · 29/03/2015 21:39

Age

DoJo · 29/03/2015 21:40

Agree with MrsTP - even if the only thing on his list was that he didn't really want one, that's enough. Perhaps talking about it this soon is putting him off and he might be more keen on the idea once your older two are a bit more independent, but you cannot rely on that. I honestly think that you should enjoy your children for at least a few months before even thinking about having more - they are so lovely at this age, and you don't want to sour their early years by pining over another one when the decision doesn't need to be made just yet. You may feel differently in a few months as well...

madreloco · 29/03/2015 21:40

How many times are you going to play him? You married him agreeing no children, then you changed it to just the one. Then you had to have another, knowing he wasnt keen. Now hes adamant no more and you want to push him further? Despite his very sensible sounding objections.....of course yabu!

maliaki · 29/03/2015 21:43

YANBU to feel the way you do but YWBU to try to convince your DH when he doesn't want one.

Charlotte3333 · 29/03/2015 21:43

I think only you and your DH can decide on this. We have two boys and I'd like another, not for any particular reason like trying for a girl, I'm just broody generally. DH is adamant that at 37 he'll be an older father and just doesn't want that. Though I feel a little sad, I have to take his feelings into account, and accept that sometimes you can't stamp your feet and get your own way.

Part of me also accepts the very real possibility that we'd have DC3 and then I'd be broody for DC4, and it would never end.

Focusfocus · 29/03/2015 21:43

There is absolutely no point in asking a forum of internet strangers - or anyone for that matter - if Age X is too old to be a dad or a mum. The answers will vary like the length of a piece of string.

The key here is that your partner strongly feels he is in fact too old to have another. He could be 22 and feeling that. Or 57 and feeling ready to have a ninth child. What's crucial is not whether others think 41 is too old to give you a he is right or I am right answer, but rather to hear what he is saying - he does not want a third child.

The person who does not want a third child will always hold the veto, as it should be. Same as sex. Let's say one person wants it desperately. The other doesn't. Who should get the final say?

This isn't about what others think of the Age X or Y or Z. He is trying to say something - he does not want any more children. That needs to be respected.

You said you wanted your second very quickly after a first. The same is happening now. It might be worthwhile thinking through what's going on there? Why is it that an infant barely a few months old makes you want another pregnancy? How would you know you'd want to stop at three? You could feel all this after a third?

Original poster
MaidenZilk · 29/03/2015 21:45

My Dh is an extremely sensible person, very level headed and wise.

However, I just can't listen to logic here- I do know that if we had 3, that would be it. I'm sure that at 3 our family would be complete. I'm positive.

I don't want dh to resent me though.

OP posts:
ilovechristmas1 · 29/03/2015 21:45

very selfish to even think about this after your DH has made it clear he does not want anymore

TwoOddSocks · 29/03/2015 21:46

Obviously you can't have any more children. If you don't want more children and especially if you've already had more than originally planned then "I don't want to" is a good enough reason to not have more.

Dealing with your feelings of disappointment will be difficult and you need to make sure they don't manifest themselves as resentment for your DP.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 21:47

madreloco that's a bit harsh, why do you think the OP is 'playing' her partner? OP I would say that at 16 weeks post natal having had a section you don't need to make any decisions yet, just enjoy your DD, see how you feel in a year and discuss it again with DH then.

Original poster
MaidenZilk · 29/03/2015 21:47

Interested in what you say focus, could you expand on what you mean?

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 29/03/2015 21:48

But how do you know that your family will definitely be complete? What if you changed your mind again?

How would you feel if it was reversed and you were adamant your family was complete and he was demanding another after swearing blind he'd be happy at 2? Never mind the fact that seeing you go through 2 c-sections must have been bloody hard for him (not negating the fact that they were hard for you, also). Sometimes you have to accept that you won't get your own way.

Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 21:51

It is not selfish to think about having another child. Some of the posts here are too harsh.

I would honestly leave it op until your DD is a year old the revisit it if you're still keen. I'm pregnant now with a nearly one year old and it is really taking its toll on me Flowers

CalleighDoodle · 29/03/2015 21:54

What made mymind up against 3 was university fees. Your husband would be in his 60s still paying fees. What about your retirement

mommy2ash · 29/03/2015 21:55

i don't age or any other reason matters here. your partner doesn't want any more children. you have health concerns around pregnancy. you have no way of knowing your family will feel complete at three kids. if his feelings on this don't change then you just need accept you cannot have any more children with him.