AIBU to have dc3 when Dh isn't keen? Says he's too old at 41

[MaidenZilk]

Would you say 41 is too old to have a baby, if you're the dad?

To put my situation in context, we were very unsure about having children when we got married and waited 10 years before having any. All throughout my pregnancy I was really unwell, extremely sick, (horrendous to live with I'm sure considering we had so long with just the two of us). Our ds instantly became our pride and joy, we love him to bits and were utterly thrilled and besotted with our new son. We said all along that we were only going to have one child and I was fine with this during pregnancy. However the very second I held my son, I knew I wanted another, dh was less sure but when ds was 22 months our dd was born.

To say I'm in love with my daughter is an understatement! It's ridiculous! I go around with a big grin on my face and so very fortunate that I have a little girl and a little boy. This from someone who had never even held a baby until she was 33! It shocks me that I almost wasn't going to have children and before having a baby never felt broody.

Now the AIBU part: I want another!

Dd is 16 weeks and I want another. I think about it all the time; I feel sad that I might not get to have one or to be pregnant again.

Dh looks at me with horror when I mention it. He says he's too old at 41 to be trying for another and I'm getting on also at 35. His other reasons are;

I suffer from horrendous MS during oregnqncy
I had to have 10 weeks off work last time
MS and 2 under 3 would be a real challenge
We have no family support
We aren't big earners, both FT work but not megabucks
I've had to have 2 sections and he doesn't think another would be ok
I'm in the process of being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and I suffer from excrutiating pain post pregnqncy

And the big one- went into marriage not wanting to have children and now I'm changing the goalposts by wanting a third baby.

I don't know where these feeling have come from. I desperately want abother dc.

Written down AIBU but am I?

Why does the one who doesn't want another child always get the trump card?

I have so many friends in this position and the one who wants another seems so sad/resentful.

We have had our third and I do feel our family is now complete, as I had feelings to yours after number two and they didn't go. DH would have stopped at two.

We are exhausted - I do the night feeds, she has reflux and it has been hard. But I wouldn't change a thing and DH adores her.
He has said he is so pleased I persuaded him.

The only thing that would make me think otherwise is your health as juggling three little ones is utterly exhausting when doing night feeds but only you can decide that.

Because bringing an unwanted child into the world is a pretty shitty thing to do to that child? Having a child is a huge commitment and in my view needs both potential parents to be supportive. That doesn't mean that persuading your partner to go for it is a bad thing, but overriding them is likely to lead to all sorts of stresses, with the potential to be relationship ending.

Plus in the OP's case it sounds as if her partner would need to be very supportive during both pregnancy and the first few months given her health issues, so a big ask for a baby he doesn't really want.

Because Roonerspism it would be very unfair to bring a child into the world by pressuring the other parent to agree to it because that child would always be a point of soreness and resentment- so it's putting the potential childs needs first. A child does not need to grow up unwanted by one parent.

If the other person changes their mind and agrees of their own volition it is a whole other thing but while they don't their choice trumps.

My Dnephew was an unexpected baby, his dad didn't want him, it very much hurts and does damage to a child to know that.

I can see your point Roonerspism, I went through a phase of desperately wanting another baby and DH didn't want one, I remember thinking why does he get to make this decision because I felt as though I'd always regret not having another child but felt sure that if we had another he wouldn't regret it so it seemed that I was losing far more. However planning a baby needs to be something both parents are committed to and I wouldn't have wanted to pressure him into this. It's a tough one because there really is no compromise position. I think this is one of the many areas where MN differs from RL (or at least the people who post on these threads differ) as I know lots of women who have had or would advise having an 'accident' in these circumstances.

nooka I have to take issue with a blanket statement that bringing an 'unwanted' child into the world is a shitty thing to do it. Pressuring or tricking your partner into having a baby may be shitty but lots of unplanned babies are born 'unwanted' by their fathers and are loved and cherished by their mothers and wider families.

Yup to maliaki I was a mistake. It hurts to know that. Could the OP guarantee that a potential DC3 wouldn't know or be told that? It does take quite a bit of getting over.

If you have both MS and possibly rheumatoid arthritis, are you not just gambling your DH's next 16 years or so on your health not deteriorating so much that he has to take over the role of both parents? He's gone along with that gamble so far, but pushing him into a third is taking the piss, I feel.

I thought Ms meant morning sickness not multiple sclerosis?

Ahh I think you're right lyinginwait888

We have two and I remember Dd beaming at me aged 6 months and I would had more just like her. at now aged 10mit is still hard in different ways. Two are hard work and three is supposed to be like four. I think you need to consider cars, holidays and the huge expensive of having children. Mine don't get lots of stuff but I will pay for any activity they are interested in. That's where the time and the money go.

Why not enjoy the new baby instead of obsessing about the hypothetical next one? It seems so obvious this is hormonal and nothing to do with the reality of another human being. You can list all the pro's and cons and go through the logic and feelings, but the bottom line is you've just had a baby! Try to live in the present for a while instead of fantasy scenarios and desires. Crazy to be having this debate now and surely some kind of distraction - a magic solution to other confused feelings that come in the mad months with a new baby.

I was thinking actively unwanted Peachy, so not an accidental single parent type situation, more of a planned against one parent's wishes case.

I do agree that it is a very difficult situation, but I think people should be very careful in thinking that a 'they'll love it once it's here and everything will be OK' gamble is a sensible one, when there is so much to lose if they are wrong.

When one person wants a child and the other doesn't, then the not wanting a child needs to take priority. You cannot have another child when the other parent is not willing to have one.

I was the main earner and primary carer - my dp wanted to stop at 2 and I wanted 3, we had 3 in 2.5yrs - I think the primary Carer got the final say here- no way could I have not got my own way On this

Enjoy what you have, you have not one but two babies to look after right now, you are very early on in the days of parenting, in a year or two you will have more experience of having two children and might find it is (more than!) enough. You still have lots of time at 35 to add a third if your husband agrees down the line, but you are just going to make him dig his heels in if you start with ttc talk with a four month old!

A third appeals to me, but I know I am too sensible to have one, also I have come to realise recently that my wonderful 6 yo is a always going to be a demanding character and I could see it would be detrimental to her to share my attention 3 ways.

I think marriage is about compromise and this veto system makes me uncomfortable and sad. I know a few older women (in their 70s) who have said their DH's reluctance to have another child (whatever number) remained a source of sadness for them and they felt resentful. The two years of hard graft are hopefully balanced thereafter.

And in the vast majority of cases I have observed, the extra child has been just as loved even though one parent was more reluctant initially.

It wrong to plan to bring a baby into the world when it isn't wanted by either parent Imo. Obviously things happen and babies can turn up unplanned and be very much loved. But going into knowing one of you doesn't want it is completely different.
Marriage is about compromise and in this situation the dh has compromised. They weren't having kids and now they have 2.

I think you dh has valid reasons. What if you become too sick during pregnancy to look after the children? Can he take time off? Although I think not wanting one is enough of a reason.

Fwiw, while I was pg with dc 2 we decided DH was going to have a vasectomy. We both agreed we didn't want anymore. However, when dh started enquiring after the birth I panicked. We put it off a bit. I knew I didn't really want another, however I wasn't ready to give up ability to have another. I didn't want to not be able to have more. For you, feel time is running out, so are desperate for another.

Simply you don't know how you will feel after the birth of a Third. You think you won't want anymore, but you don't know that.

Personally I think you need to revisit this in a few months as your hormones are in a massive state of flux.

I have 2 dcs. Dd is 10 and ds is 15 months. I look at them both and desperately want a third.

But then I think of the impact of a new baby on them. Shared bedrooms. The cost of after school activities as they get older. The cost of holidays for us all. What if rhe third baby had health issues? What if I did? The cost of childcare.

A billionty and one reasons why a third would impact negatively on their lives.

But then I think of being pregnant and feeling them flip around. Of holding a newborn. Breastfeeding into the small hours. That newborn smell. And my ovaries twang.

So yanbu to want another. But ywbu to not fully consider the impact of another on everyone else's life. And have another for selfish reasons.

Fwiw I am 37 and dp is 47. He says no. If he said yes I would be shagging the arse off him every night but he is right. A third would be selfish.

Doesn't stop me wanting though. I have just come to terms with that.

And in the vast majority of cases I have observed, the extra child has been just as loved even though one parent was more reluctant initially.

There's a big difference between saying you want two and having three. The OPs DH wanted none, and now he has two. I think expecting to add a third is not fair on him when there was an expectation of no children. He compromised and was only going to have one, then OP got her own way and had two. He's once again said no more, but she's determined to have a third. He's done all the compromising here, and the OP has done none.

Your baby is 16 weeks old.

Give yourself time befor thinking about another. You are young yet. I was 38 when I had my first, my OH was 41 and a fisrt time father.
Having a tiny baby and a toddler is somewhat easy compared to two energetic toddlers. You may feel very differently in a year's time when you have two mobile children charging around.

Another who agrees your DH is using age as an excuse and is quite likely to be very worried about your health. It's not easy to make this sound gentle and I apologise in advance. You say you are facing a Rheumatoid Arthririts diagnosis . It's far from the end of the world but also something that is quite a big thing.

RA quite often goes onto remission during pregnancy so a third pregnancy quickly would potentially mean you would get more time without having to deal with the issue of a new medical regime. Also having this hanging over you would make this harder to have a third in the future as you'd most likely have to come off whatever meds you start on and then might need to try others after another baby as it is trial and error to get meds right at the start. I can see why you would be keen to have a third quickly in the circumstances.

I may be way off target but hope you don't mind me putting it out there.

There are so many reasons you shouldn't have another baby.

You know that.

But you really want one, so nothing your DH or we say is going to change your mind/ how you feel.

I am very lucky to have three DC, and as much as I love them enormously it's exhausting. And very expensive.

Just saying.

I think your DH does get the casting vote here, sorry. He has lots of very valid reasons why another baby is not a good idea. Not just his age but also your health are a consideration here - it sounds like he is very concerned about the impact on you and doesn't think another baby is worth that as well as the other reasons.

I do think if one partner doesn't want more children then that's it really. Yes they could change their minds once the baby arrives, but what if they don't?

Your DD is very young still. Enjoy her and maybe revisit this is a year or 2 time when you know more what is going on with your health and everything has settled down a bit.

After I had our second, DH had a vasectomy. I was slightly disappointed as I would have considered a third but with hindsight he so did the right thing. I found having two small children exhausting.

Unless your husband freely chooses to father a third child you need to drop the idea. It's his choice too, it will effect him equally. You are being selfish.