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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have dc3 when Dh isn't keen? Says he's too old at 41

80 replies

MaidenZilk · 29/03/2015 21:25

Would you say 41 is too old to have a baby, if you're the dad?

To put my situation in context, we were very unsure about having children when we got married and waited 10 years before having any. All throughout my pregnancy I was really unwell, extremely sick, (horrendous to live with I'm sure considering we had so long with just the two of us). Our ds instantly became our pride and joy, we love him to bits and were utterly thrilled and besotted with our new son. We said all along that we were only going to have one child and I was fine with this during pregnancy. However the very second I held my son, I knew I wanted another, dh was less sure but when ds was 22 months our dd was born.

To say I'm in love with my daughter is an understatement! It's ridiculous! I go around with a big grin on my face and so very fortunate that I have a little girl and a little boy. This from someone who had never even held a baby until she was 33! It shocks me that I almost wasn't going to have children and before having a baby never felt broody.

Now the AIBU part: I want another!

Dd is 16 weeks and I want another. I think about it all the time; I feel sad that I might not get to have one or to be pregnant again.

Dh looks at me with horror when I mention it. He says he's too old at 41 to be trying for another and I'm getting on also at 35. His other reasons are;

I suffer from horrendous MS during oregnqncy
I had to have 10 weeks off work last time
MS and 2 under 3 would be a real challenge
We have no family support
We aren't big earners, both FT work but not megabucks
I've had to have 2 sections and he doesn't think another would be ok
I'm in the process of being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and I suffer from excrutiating pain post pregnqncy

And the big one- went into marriage not wanting to have children and now I'm changing the goalposts by wanting a third baby.

I don't know where these feeling have come from. I desperately want abother dc.

Written down AIBU but am I?

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 29/03/2015 21:55

From what you've said about your situation I think your DH is right. You'd be risking your physical and mental health, financial security and the happy status quo you're currently enjoying, for a yearning that may be purely hormone induced and vanish as suddenly as it appeared if you just ride it out.

There's nothing wrong with what you want, nothing at all. None of us can help how we feel and I think your DH should be happy to talk this through with you so that your feelings are validated, but if you're going to do the wise thing I think I'd stick at two if it were me.

But then, having children is not often a matter of being wise...

The only thing you need to be absolutely sure of is that having a third child means so much to you that you're prepared to do it as a single parent, because it is quite feasible that if you push on regardless, that might be the end result even if your DH appears to be persuaded.

NeedABumChange · 29/03/2015 21:56

YABU. You shouldn't have to persuade someone to want to have a baby with you. If he doesn't want to then that should be it. 41 would be old to me and many other posters judging by that recent thread.

Your health actually sounds like the main reason not to though and money. Can you afford 3 comfortably or would it be 3 and scrimping all the time?

HmmAnOxfordComma · 29/03/2015 21:57

Absolutely agree that the person who wants the fewest gets to choose.

Dh wanted one. I wanted two. We have one.

And not only that, your dh's reasons are all excellent ones.

SoonToBeSix · 29/03/2015 21:57

My ds is four weeks old and my dh is 41. He is our seventh dc.

SocialMediaAddict · 29/03/2015 21:57

I'm 41 and I absolutely feel too old to have another. I have 3 (DD then twins) and its noisy, busy, expensive and hard work.

You have two healthy kids.

Original poster
MaidenZilk · 29/03/2015 21:58

Because of my age I just don't feel I have the luxury of leaving it a year until we talk about it. I know I want a third child.

I feel so very sad that we waited so long to have children.

We had a lovely pre baby time together but I'm worried that we may have wasted time. I wouldn't even be posting here if I was 25 and dh was 31. It's making me very sad. I don't want to look back with regret but I feel I lived very selfishly.

OP posts:
PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 21:59

Students pay their own tuition fees in England once they start earning a certain ammount but I don't think OP's DH has to come up with a 'good enough' reason sadly in this situation the party that doesn't want a further child has the trump card. However I don't think Op is being selfish at all in wanting another child, nor do I think it sounds likes she's trying to pressure him into it, couples can discuss things without it becoming coercive you know.

ZenNudist · 29/03/2015 21:59

Up until ds2 was 6mo I went on about wanting a third. Then it got more physically exhausting and I realise how much having dc3 is going to take out of my other two children's childhoods (I'm on 3.5y gap and would do similar 2.3-3y gap for any further dc).

Nowadays ds2 is 1.2yo and I am settling down to the ratio djs choice to stick with 2.

Give it time and maybe make a decision when your dc2 is a bit older.

Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 22:00

Very gently, and I do mean that, you're being a bit irrational. Flowers

You can certainly wait given your DH isn't sure. Arguably, having children is more selfish than not. Rushing into this decision - and like it or not you are - and your DH too is problematic for the future.

At least wait until your dd is on solids :) then talk about it again.

Original poster
MaidenZilk · 29/03/2015 22:02

Oh no, I just read that back and I'm so very sorry. People who don't have children aren't selfish. I don't know why I worded it that way. I'm not trying to be controversial.

I'm so sorry, can't excuse it

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 29/03/2015 22:03

Its not about his age OP.

Listen to him.
He doesn't want more.

Only1scoop · 29/03/2015 22:04

Focus excellent post.

Op enjoy what you have now....two very young dc and what sounds like a happy marriage.

Iwillorderthefood · 29/03/2015 22:06

I have an unexpected third, and whilst I love her dearly, and would not be without her, it is sheer hard work. She is 9 months old, she has slept for 7 hours in a row three times. DH travels a lot, doing the school run and all the club runs. I am the only driver too. I am 40. She is beautiful, breath taking in fact, which is just as well. There is a lot more pressure, we have to move area since we cannot afford a larger house in the area we live in.

I had a termination when I was 22, and I am pro choice, but I just could not have another once I had actually had children.

You have both got to agree to this. It's hard and we are definitely done.

notquiteruralbliss · 29/03/2015 22:10

You have time. When we married, I was sure I didn't ever want children but changed my mind a few years in. I was 32 and DP 43 when we had DD1 and 42 and DP 53 when I had DD4.

I must admit I have not heard the idea that 'the partner that wants fewer children gets the veto' anywhere other than on mumsnet. Though TBF we don't socialise with other couples with children. I wanted more children so I had them. It wasn't ever up for discussion nor did either of us ever expect that it should be.

Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 22:11

It's ok maiden, it was clear you meant you and not anyone without children :)

But I do think you need to acknowledge how young your DD is and your husbands concerns. I wish you well.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 29/03/2015 22:18

You could still be in the exact same position if you'd had children younger. Your partner still may not have wanted anymore and he is perfectly entitled to feel that way.
It's horrible yearning for a baby that you can't have but it's one of the many emotional aspects of life you have to ride out just like death, divorce, illness, house sales falling through, bankruptcy and a whole goat of other traumas people endure in life

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 29/03/2015 22:19

Ffs whole host not goat...

AlbertSpanglersConscience · 29/03/2015 22:20

YANBU to want another child. You feel what you feel.
YWBVVVU to disregard your husband's decision that he doesn't want any more, whatever his reasons.

Purplepoodle · 29/03/2015 22:21

Honestly for us third has been a huge hit to our marriage and finances - we have a similar gap that you would be considering. FT childcare alone is expensive. To us there was a huge difference from 2 to 3 and added much more stress as said our marriage became very rocky due to the complete lack of time with each other. Nevermind the possibility of having arthritis. I'm sorry but I think your Dh is right. You have two lovely children - your going to miss on on 9months of their babyhood if your ms is that bad. Enjoy what you have

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 22:24

How was she being unreasonable to disregard her husband's decision? When did she say she disregarded anything? Also whilst I think nobody should be browbeaten into having another child in healthy relationships I think these things can be discussed and revisited without that happening.

Purplepoodle · 29/03/2015 22:25

quote : I must admit I have not heard the idea that 'the partner that wants fewer children gets the veto' anywhere other than on mumsnet. Though TBF we don't socialise with other couples with children. I wanted more children so I had them. It wasn't ever up for discussion nor did either of us ever expect that it should be.

Your lucky. Lots of our friends have to make this decision mainly due to finances, not all of us are lucky enough to be able to afford to have more children or risk the health implications.

AlbertSpanglersConscience · 29/03/2015 22:29

It was the thread title that rang a bit of a klaxon for me Peachy
I'll fuck off to Pedant's Corner now Smile

TheCatsFlaps · 29/03/2015 22:32

OP, you know you are being unreasonable because your desire to have another child is not shared by your husband, it is driven only by you wanting another to satisfy your own desire. Put yourself in his shoes: he wants another and you do not. Be honest and tell us what comes into your head. If you told him emphatically that it was not going to happen, you would expdct him to drop it.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 22:35

Ahh I see what you mean now, I don't tend to read too much into titles I suppose. Sometimes it's hard to sum up a dilemma in an AIBU format and sometimes people go for something a bit more provocative to generate interest.

nooka · 29/03/2015 22:35

I'm not sure that age is really your dh's primary reason for not wanting a third child, so I think that if you were both younger you might well have the same issue. Your dh's reasons to stop at two are all very valid, and even if they weren't he just doesn't want another child, and that's enough of a reason in of itself. I suspect he is using age because it's harder to argue about.

The problem is that you are desperate for another child and he is horrified about the idea. I hope that your desperation is mainly hormonal and that in time you find that your two children are sufficient. Families of four are great :)

I do think that planning to have another child very soon when you have two very small children, significant health issues, no family support and likely not the means to buy in help is probably a really bad idea in of itself.