To be tiring of DPs daughter acting spoilt EVERY time we go out?

[secondchanceathappiness]

DP & I try to do nice stuff with his 2 dc & my 2 dc. Every time we go out his dd (8) acts spoilt e.g won't join in, won't eat same as everyone else, sits with sulky face on for hours. It's really irritating me & one of my children (older - so realises what's going on) is beginning to say they don't want to come along because they know what dd is like. He does really well & doesn't give in, but this usually leads to massive stand off which spoils it for everyone. Aibu? Any tips on how to manage this? I can't bear to see him being manipulated like this!

Agree the child feels awful

I agree restie. CrockedPot which are the 'shitty relationships' you're referring to? The relationship between OP and her partner or the relationship between the 8 year old's parents? Either way I think that's rather harsh, relationships break down, it may never have been 'shitty', you don't know the circumstances and I don't think OP said anything to suggest her relationship is 'shitty' she just sounds frustrated with what is undoubtedly a difficult situation.

Such a horrible situation for the poor 8 yr old girl stuck in this mess through no fault of her own. Feel so sorry for the children brought into these shitty relationships and left to deal with the fall out.. Crockpot, it's precisely because I didn't want my dcs subjected to a shitty relationship that I split with their dad. Similarly DP's ex was a cheating alcoholic (yes, I know her and even her own mum says the break up was her fault).

Does the fact that we were both unlucky enough to marry arseholes the first time round mean our 'poor' DCs should never have to witness us in a happy relationship, even though it might have its complications? Or should we both have just stuck it out 'for the children' in our crappy marriages because kids prefer both parents under one roof regardless of whether one of them is utterly depressed or being unfaithful?

Sorry, no solutions, OP, but why can't people be helpful insteading of jumping in to criticise you, as if you were responsible for this situation. When my own dd was 8 I think she had the illusion that she was a princess or something and was somewhat trying. There was not internet then but if there had been, I could have done with some good advice, not blanket condemnation.

I'm amazed you haven't been asked if you're the ow, that usually happens with these threads.

Good luck op, it sounds a difficult situation.

And no sign of the op

I'm not convinced it's necessarily a step issue.

DS1 had a friend whose older brother managed to ruin days out time after time. If the attention wasn't on him he threw a strop. He ruined his brother's birthday parties twice. Sulking, moaning tantrums when he lost games.

If we all went somewhere together, even if he chose it, he managed to spoil it for everyone. His DM's solution was to leave him with his grandparents for the day. Not a solution here, sadly.

When he got to the age of 10 he realised what a PITA he was being.

Good luck, OP.

Were you the OW?

That poor child. Her world turned upside down and she has any control on it. Can her df spend some time with her alone?

To those saying stepparents always get a hard time on here blah blah, I'd say this - isn't a lovely, easy get out to say the exact opposite? 'Oh ignore the haterz hun, step mums are always seen as bitches' rather than thinking about what the child is feeling and putting everything else aside?

This is not about OP or OP's dp, it's about the children involved.

And if OP cannot see how or why an 8 year old girl might feel sad, angry and hurt by a situation of not living with her dad and now sharing him with other children then I think she should not be in the situation at all.

I am not judging her as a step parent but as a person - a person that doesn't seem to be emotionally intelligent enough to deal with such a delicate situation.

I would say at the very very least the little girl needs to spend one-on-one time with her dad.

Have you read Goggle Eyes by Anne Fine, OP? If not, I suggest you do that immediately and then reflect.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goggle-Eyes

Love goggle eyes, one of my fav books growing up!

Nobody has suggested that the feelings of adults do not matter. Or that step parents should never feel anything but happy, rosy thoughts about their Dscs.nobody. There is no hint of that here.
Its entirely unreasonable to accuse ppl of this when all that is being said is that the needs of the child are paramount, and that those needs do not appear to have been considered, judging by the information in the OP.
Suggesting that this child is likely to be upset and should be listened to, rather than blamed for being manipulative is not the same as saying that the feelings of the OP, and, indeed, all stepmothers, are of no importance whatsoever and they should endure suffering forall eternity.

I'm not really surprised that OP hasn't been back posting, there's been so much (unconstructive) criticism levelled at her.

I think posters carry so much baggage from their own unhappy-at-times childhoods - due to divorce, remarriage, unsupportive parenting wicked stepmothers or whatever that it spills over as soon as stepchildren are mentioned.

Rather than help or advising the OP there is just an angry criticism. Is it an opportunity for revenge for what they suffered? I dont' know. But the upshot is no SMs get support ever despite what must be a v difficult role to fill. -no doubt I will get the usual rants 'she described the DSD as manipulative' etc etc. But the DSD is being manipulative, but not because she is evil but because she is hurting. But why berate the DSM who is trying to fix it when it is the DPs who caused their DDs hurt and problems.

Support for the DSM to get her DH to step up or to form a better relationship with the DM might be a start but no let's just condemn her.

Actually there isnt just angry criticism.
There is some. But not asmuch as is being suggested.
Most ppl have been suggesting that the dsd is struggling and should be listened to rather than blamed.
And I think many ppl do carry unhappiness from their experience in blended families. So surely trying to break the cycle would be a useful start.
It is difficult for children in these circumstances.
Childhood is not really an easy time anyway. And yet it seems acceptable to label a little girl as annoying and manipulative.

I agree with everything you say TheRealAmanda but my point is that being so negative towards the DSM is no help at all.

Isn't it in the DDs interests to advise the DSM on how to improve things not just criticize her? All DCs can be manipulative.
The DSM's position is so much more complicated than most DMs, she has her own DC's lives being influenced by the DD's behavior. Telling her the DF must spend time with this DD, what about the sibling, the Step DCs, his new partner - are the other DCs to see that by being stroppy and difficult you will get lots of one to one time with your DF, at the expense of everyone else??
Anyway that is just one aspect where the advice here was unhelpful imo.

Step parenting seems a minefield but some advice from those who have done it would be more productive surely, not just criticism.

I don't think it's about one-on-one time necessarily, but why should children be forced to share all their quality time with their parent (especially when it's the on-resident parent so that time is precious and limited) with a bunch of other people who mean little to them and are not of their choosing? Especially other children who they may have nothing in common with and not get along with.

As an adult, if you went to visit your parents or planned a nice family day our together, just you, your parents and your children so that the grandparents and the grandchildren could all enjoy time together, how would you feel if your parents suddenly announced that from now on they would ALWAYS be bringing the young lady next door and her two small children along, because they'd grown really fond of them and wanted to blend the families together and have them as a sort of adopted DD and grandchildren?

How about she was there every Christmas with her kids, sleeping in your parents house waking up on Christmas morning while your parents watched and cooed as her kids opened the presents your parents had bought them? And you just got to pitch up for a visit for a couple of hours at lunchtime?

How would you feel if your partner worked away all week and you only got to see him at weekends but you NEVER saw him alone because he always had his sister or mum with him?

I can hear you all crying 'oh but that's different.'

Why is it?

Is it because as an adult you think you have an entitlement to be put first by the people who are supposed to love you the most, but as a child you don't?

non-resident

I agree NorahDentressangle some of the responses were so vitriolic and seemed to be more about offloading on the OP than helping her find a solution that could help her DSD. I do think this was counterproductive and it'd be a shame if she didn't come back to read some of the helpful suggestions because she'd hidden the thread after the abusive ones. Some people do just seem to come on AIBU for a bun-fight rather than to offer help.

OP might be better off posting in the step-parents section, to enable her to get some ideas about how to move forwards.
I agree that the child isn't spoilt or manipulative in the way the OP is implying, and her response is very typical of someone who is in a situation she hates and has no power to change it.
Her father ahould be the one bridging the void, understanding and accommodating her distress and helping her come to terms with the stuff that's happened. I wonder if she's acting up at school as well, and how long her father and the OP have been together. The daughter may want the OP to dematerialise and for things to be the way they were, without more information it's hard to say anything that might be useful.
A few meetings alone with father and his DC with some time to talk and listen may be the best way? To try and find out what the specifics are, and for the DD to realise that they have a new, different relationship.
I wonder how old the other child is, and how the mother feels about what's happening too.