To be tiring of DPs daughter acting spoilt EVERY time we go out?

[secondchanceathappiness]

DP & I try to do nice stuff with his 2 dc & my 2 dc. Every time we go out his dd (8) acts spoilt e.g won't join in, won't eat same as everyone else, sits with sulky face on for hours. It's really irritating me & one of my children (older - so realises what's going on) is beginning to say they don't want to come along because they know what dd is like. He does really well & doesn't give in, but this usually leads to massive stand off which spoils it for everyone. Aibu? Any tips on how to manage this? I can't bear to see him being manipulated like this!

Similar to mickey, my parents divorced when I was 5 and every weekend me and my DB went to see my dad and his new family. They made a massive effort to always do something fun out that we'd all enjoy.

I'm not sure exactly what would help but seeing her as a hurt child rather than she's manipulating the situation would be a start.

Absolutely what some of the others have said. This little girl knows what has gone on between your DP and her mother. She needs easing in gently and time with her dad without having you and your children being foisted on her.

I think it is reasonable that she may want to be with her dad and sibling alone. Not all sc like being thrust into an extended family through no choice of their own. Perhaps your DP should ask her what she would like to do? In time she may be more accepting of the situation.

But you were spoilt Ever, by a horrid family situation that saw your main parents break apart, you say spoilt, your hardly living the high life - the ideal life. Its a harrowing experience.

People see blended families as the norm but my goodness that doesnt take away the pain of a child esp one who has to visit their father now and his new family. Awful.

I would say DD is taking out her anger and upset over her parent's divorce on you and your DCs. Perhaps try talking to her and asking what she would like to do, what she wants.

Other posters are critical of you OP as if you are to blame, you aren't, it is her parents separation which is causing her angst.

Just try to build a relationship with her. Not sure what else you can do.

V sad that it impacts on your innocent DCs.

Where do you go where everyone has to eat the same - don't most places have a choice of food? Do you always go to the same places, and does she ever get any say on what you do - or maybe you discuss what to do when she;s not there, so your kids get a say in the choice, and she has to go along with it. She may well be trying at some times - hardly surprising fro a little girl who is trying to adapt to new circumstances and having to share her Dad. I imagine she has picked up ont he fact that you find her irritating as does your child. And now her Dad is having a go at her too - must be very hard for her.

I think you should remember that she is eight.

Been there. It's not fun. My dsds were 16 and 8 when I moved in with their dad. They were absolutely fine with mums new man being at their house but the riot caused by me being here was unreal. Me and my kids were accused of stealing their dad which obviously we weren't but the 16 year old was very vocal about how annoyed she was that we were here. Crazy thing was she hardly ever came over before but suddenly wanted her dad all the time. The 8 year old (now 11) acted out much like your dsd too.

We tried very hard to make sure they got time just with him as well as doing stuff all together. It's getting better. Slowly. I try and take my two out so they have time alone (dp and youngest) or suggest he take her out but I am then accused of either leaving her out of trips (normally I will go to a friend's house so not exactly a major trip anywhere) or not wanting to spend time with her.

As a step parent you will never get it right in everyone's eyes and trying to do the right thing can and will be used against you. Good luck.

Other posters are critical of you OP as if you are to blame, you aren't, it is her parents separation which is causing her angst

No, Op doesn't seem to have any empathy or sympathy for an 8 year old who sounds desperately unhappy. That's the part I intensely dislike.

I've just spent all day with my 8 year old niece - as I do every Saturday. We do whatever she wants to do. There are times she will still act spoilt, sulky, rude etc. I don't take it personally. I don't read anything deeper into it. She's 8.

I've just spent all day with my 8 year old niece

And what she does only impacts on you, not your DCs.
That is the difference. Do you really believe you would be happy for your DCs weekends to be spoiled by your DN's behavior.

What gets me on these threads is that the DF gets totally no responsibility. The Op gets flack, the DD is approved to behave how she wishes because of her DP's behavior, and the DF what? doesn't exist? Is faultless? That's how it seems.

Well the DF isnt here. We dont know what he thinks, or does (other than "not giving in" to his daughter - whatever that means)
And we have heard no more fom the OP than that she is irritated by the behaviour of a little girl whom she considers manipulative.
Personally, I find the demonisation of female children's behaviour all too commonplace and quite disturbing. But i expect that is a niche view.

demonization????

I think the answer could be to talk to DD. And to get her DF to talk to her and find out what is wrong, if she can express it, and how she wants things to change to make it better for her. She probably doesn't know, but is sad at how her life has been turned upside down. But at least giving her the chance to open up about her situation might help.

demoniztion????
Well, yes.
I personally think that the behaviour of women and girls is often labelled unfairly.
The OP commented that she dislikes seeing her DP manipulated.
I think that is demonising the behaviour of a child who is likely upset, confused, angry and feeling marginalised.

She is the child. He is the adult.

I think its worryingly common for ppl to view female children as the "guilty party" in situations where they are no such thing.

The father hasn't come online and called an eight year old CHILD irritating an manipulative.

therealamanda...do you suppose because girls mature earlier they are held to much higher standards? Your comments ring very true to me. You rarely hear about 'spiteful' boys.

I don't know nunkspugget
I fear strongly suspect it might be because "blaming girls" fits so neatly into a patriarchal construct.

Do you really believe you would be happy for your DCs weekends to be spoiled by your DN's behaviour.

My point is that this little girl is probably largely acting her age - not setting out to deliberately ruin the family's day.

I take groups of kids out all the time. It's rare that all the fault lies with one when there's any trouble. The OP's DC (older, so should behave better) is threatening to not join in - isn't that more manipulative than the sulky 8 year old? Yet the OP is blaming the 8yo as being at the root of everything.

Posters have pointed out the sadness for the DD but not explained how the OP should deal with it (whilst taking into consideration the other DC's lives).
Does she let the DD call the shots and get to do only what she wants when she wants, Does the DD get sole access to her DF and the remainder of the family remove themselves - what is considered best all round?

It is short sighted to believe that the children of selarated parents are having their time spoiled by another child not wanting to eat the same food as they are.

Well its hard to say Norah because there is so little information about how time is managed within the family.
What does it mean to "let her call the shots"?
The point that most ppl seem to be making is that a change of perspective and some sympathy forthis little girl's situation and feelings, might make a dofference to how the "problem" is seen and managed.

Difficult to make suggestions without knowing more about the nature of the relationships. If op lives with dp and her own dc it s easy to imagine how non resident children might feel the need to assert themselves t get attention . If they do not live together maybe op needs to back off a bit and alter expectations such that each child has exclusive time with parent rather than feel pressured to fit in.

dofference?
Really?