My 17 year old son has bought plane tickets to texas in America to meet a girl he met online, he is from scotland, I really need advice please.

[scottishmother]

He has made his mind up to go, to be honest I thought he would have saved up more money but he has sprung it on me and is going in 2 weeks time!! I have asked him things and he has told me, and it seems fine, but he does not like me to ask him anything as he thinks it is invading his privacy lol. He has been very secretive, and this is not helping my worrying, I have said to him I will not let him out the door without him giving me a address and letting me speak to the girl who is 2 years older than him first. I need advice as to what to do please as I am going out of my mind.

Oh, and added proviso of a Plan B, what happens if they don't click in person, how easy is it to change his flight, how will he get to the airport etc, as other posters have said. Tell him if he's serious about going/her he'll have to research these things and let you know. It's only courteous - I'd expect a friend or flatmate to do the same.

Adults act rationally and share their plans. They have back up plans. He's acting like a child

This, when I was online dating local men and meeting up in local areas, I always confided in my sister as much as I knew about them (or rather what they had told me about themselves) where and when we were meeting up. I also text her their usernames and mobile numbers and she knew my account log in details. Just in case. And I would text her when I got home. I remember joking with her and saying "If I get murdered I want the bastard caught" which she was about. (I clearly have a darker sense of humour than her).

I would be worried that either he is believing everything she tells him, when she could be being untruthful. Or he is exaggerating certain things. What if she had said she will "help him out with money". And he has convinced himself it will be fine or doesn't want to think to much about it, or tell you the truth in case you say "wait and save more money" and so has told you "she'll pay for everything".

He should be giving you as much information as he can. The address's given to him, including zip code, parents and girls names, names of any other residents (siblings, grandparents?), her skype details etc. Wouldn't take 10 mins to scribble down on a piece of paper.

My main worries would be:
Are they who they say they are?
Do they live where they say they do?
Could she stand him up and just not show at the airport?
Does he know how to reverse charges in case of an emergency? Does he have a mobile with credit that would work in the U.S?
Does he have a way to access the any funds you could send him? Say they throw him out over something (him and her have a fight) how far does he have to go to access an atm?
He could end up trapped in a rural area. Would he be tempted to hitch hike if he got stuck? (Perhaps out of frying pan into fire).
What if his phone breaks?
He has no health insurance.
He has no money.
He has no transport.

Sounds to me like could be the trip of a lifetime/the making if him. But he isn't well prepared enough for it.

I think you should find that passport and withold it UNTIL he lets you speak to her and her parents.

however would I want this no. One of the worse nightmares but on the other hand I went travellling alone, round oz at 18...stayed with all sorts of people, shocking when i look back how sheer luck i was i

Taking away his passport isn't the answer. I can't believe how many people have said that.
Communication is the key, and I think the op is doing a good job of being supportive but wary. He will only listen to her if he can see that she has genuine concerns, and going in all guns blazing isn't going to facilitate that.

There are some great suggestions above to help you check the family out. I would want to be 100% sure they are who they say that are. I would also want to be 100% sure that he has an exit plan that can be implemented immediately, or at any point during the three months, and that he will always have the financial means to do this. I would also check his ticket is for 90 days, not three months. Those extra days could be crucial.

I would also have conversations about how he should react if she wants to get married, or if she gets pregnant accidentally/deliberately. The implications if he drinks alcohol or gets into other trouble with the police etc.

I know I did things I shouldn't have when I had no money (hitch hiking for a start) when I travelled in the USA when I was young. Talk about the dangers he could get himself into and what he could do to avoid this.

Just make sure he is as well prepared as possible.

What a load of hysterical bollocks on this thread by some posters.

I can't believe how many of you would be so cavalier and willing to breach your ADULT children's trust and legal rights by stealing their passport. And lie to them about it.

Thousands of seventeen and eighteen year olds head of backpacking around the world every year or doing camp america or au pairing. Thousands more head away from home to University every year.

Get a grip.

OP (Original Poster by the way as I think most people were not bothering to actually read your posts and so I'm not sure you got a response to your question) it sounds like you are considering some sensible precautions regarding the gf and her parents. Look into obtaining a cheap American sim. Consider giving him a cash card with no money on (likecashbuilder) so if there is an emergency you can load it with cash for him to use but he does not a free run with your credit card. Ultimately I don't think you have much choice but to trust him and consider some back up plans.

I hope my DC have the courage to be adventurous at 17/18. I am watching many of my friend's children doing their gap years now and it is so amazing for them. I think this has different risks but not necessarily more risks.

And as for Catfish - universally on Catfish the Catfish avoids meeting up in person and video skype never takes place just telephone calls. It is nothing like Catfish at this stage.

He's over 16, he is an adult, unfortunate in this situation but can't be changed.

Does he realise in the States he will be considered a minor?

you may be able to take advantage of this: he may need to be able to prove prove the existence of his hosts/their home or something like that. There is a UK consulate in Houston Texas, contact them via email to see if they can give you specific advice about it. They may be able to flag up his passport somehow. It would be dirty tricks to call him a runaway, since he is an adult here.

If he goes, make sure he has the consulate info. Write it diwn and stick it in his case. Send it to him as a text.

What does he really know about Ft. worth? Despite being a city, their home (assuming truth in what she has said) could be very isolated for someone without a car or license, he will be far more dependent on her/her family than he is on you! When they are working, he could be a virtual prisoner. Insist he research the city like a tourist with only himself to depend on. If he has never been to the US, he has no idea how sprawled out, non-pedestrianised and lacking in public transport a modern city in a state where land is cheap can be. If he has her address, he needs to play with the google map's travel features: how would he get from her house to the nearest store, or the airport? Is there a bus? How often? Hitchhiking is illegal, so is walking along the interstate (motorway), there are no public right of ways across private property, no matter what a good shortcut it would be. And everywhere is private property: shopping centers are not public, like a high street, so if the guard or shopowners say go, you risk a charge of trespass if you hesitate to figure out how or where.

If he is at all darkish skinned and dark haired, he really needs to be aware of keeping his passport safe and knowing how to contact the embassy. He could face harassment for walking while brown, and a UK passport for a brownskinned man would have serious street value.

I would buy a plane ticket for her to come and stay in Scotland for a few weeks, if she so wants to meet DS. There is no way, none whatsoever, that any teenager of mine is travelling across the ocean to stay with a person I don't know for three long months.

Not all of these first meetings go well, as OP would know if she has met other people online before her fiancé. What if they don't get on well and he quickly feels unwelcome?

Or the exact opposite - What if he decides to stay in the US? It wouldn't be the first time a teenager takes an important decisions on the spur of a moment, with lifelong consequences.

I think hitchhiking in Texas might be perfectly legal if done with care.

Being an adult doesn't have much to do with whether people make sensible decisions and plans, imho.

Age of consent in Texas appears to be 17.

neverKnowingly my dd went to Vietnam on her own, back packing at 19 so I'm not adverse to my dc being adventurous.

However I wouldn't let her go off at 17 and live with someone for 3 months, who'd she met on the Internet.

Neverknowingly - there is a big difference between going on a planned gap year with a big organisation like Camp America which will have all sorts of insurances and safety nets in place and a seventeen-year old boy with little money going to stay with a friend and a family he has never met.

Personally, i doubt he will get beyond US immigration - with little money and vague plans he is likely to be sent home.

i'd be wary of this, I am going to change a few details so as not to out me but...my bil met a woman on an internet forum, they talked for a very long time 5+ years, bil made some big life changes and gave in and finally travelled to America to meet his internet friend. Fortunately she was real and everything she came over as on the internet, stupidly they planned a wedding when he was there. he has since seen her three more times, for no longer than two weeks at a time. he now is trying to 'distance' himself even though there should be a 'wedding' soon.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you seem quite confident because your ds has spoken to her for two years over the internet but what becomes apparent when you're stuck with someone for 24hours a day that you have never spent time with in real life is that the things you see on a short Skype talk are not really reality, if you had had a bad day at work for example and were in a terrible mood, this wouldn't come across in your Skype chat. your ds may get there and realise he has made a huge mistake and feel trapped.

fwiw my bil is in is 40's a bit more streetwise (I hope) and found himself in that position.

You can look up any American resident online, just type their name & address sin. There are loads of American find-people websites. Not hard to verify basics like address, homeownership, drivers' license. etc For that matter, just ring her up, ffs, and talk thru your worries ,get the contact address etc.

Well, there are loads of them. These websites try to aggregate information from a lot of public data: property rolls, birth certificate, voter and drivers license records. There is a lot of room for error and mix up and bad Assumptions. I know that what they said about me contained a lot of misinformation, in addition to the few indisputable bits. It might be worth looking, but it isnt reliable.

"Own house" probably means renting, Americans use language differently.

Right. I have my own place just means you dont live with your parents, no indication of how you don't, but assuming a rental would most likely. Though in this case, she lives in anything from a guesthouse (which in texas could be a proper multi-bedroom and reception room house) to a shed on her parents property. Google street satellite view of the address would be very useful.

Teenagers travelling to US as part of something organised is quite different to what OP's son proposes. My DD went when she was 20 as part of Work America and had to jump through many hoops to meet the criteria. Everything was vetted and we knew where she was going, where she would be staying and what was going to be involved. She had to have $500 dollars as i recall as a minimum in a bank account. US immigration are fierce. They scare me even when i am just going there for 2 weeks holiday. I suspect they may ask him some tough questions.

What you cannot know is if this girl is part of some network trying to to bring young people into the country for a cult or some other such dodgy business. If your DS is dead set on going then he must have some sort of back up plan should things not go to plan for him.

I have a 17 year old DD and i would happily allow her to go to the US on holiday with her friends or as part of a planned trip but i would have grave concerns if she proposed something like your DS is planning.

I am a US citizen by birth and my children have dual nationality. In fact, I'm from Texas and all my family still live there. DH is Scottish. When we go visit my family immigration asked my DH A LOT of questions. He may well be turned back and yes, he is a minor there. They have very little rights and are quite limited. I can remember being desperate to turn 18.

I'd call the airport tbh, with your concerns. Yes, I would. A minor going there for three months with no money and no ability to work to meet a girl he met online.

I would be freaking out if that were my own son and mine has a US passport, can work there once he is 16 and has family there.

I can't believe some of the cavalier responses on here. There are some VERY dangerous places there and A LOT of guns and drugs.

Good luck to your son if he goes and I hope it works out.

Yes, I think people see it as if it's flying to Spain for a romantic get together.
Texas is 3 times the size of the UK plus an extra Wales. Just huge. No buses unless you know what you are doing and where to go. No go areas in any big towns. And guns.

Someone was shot when I was there for first footing (calling in on someone on Hogmanay) sadly they knocked at the wrong door, people don't ask questions.

This sounds doesn't sound right to me. The 'girl' he is going to stay with is 19 and has her own house and car, is in employment and wants a 17 year old to stay for 3 months?
Listen to what expat posted.

He hasn't got a 'visa' for the US: he's got an ESTA (assuming he's completed the necessary online form), which gives him approval to ask for entry at the border under the VWP (visa waiver program).

Whether or not he'll actually be allowed entry is really questionable, under the circumstances. Being refused entry at the border will mean a wasted flight, and may seriously complicate future trips, depending how they annotate his passport.

He can only stay 90 days. Ninety. End of. He needs to check his ticket: if it's going to be longer than that, he must reschedule the flight. Even a one-day overstay will create significant problems if he wants to visit the US again.

Please let him know that if he fucks up with US immigration now, it will have lasting consquences, especially if he's serious about staying in a relationship with an American.

Personally, I think going for a three-month visit to someone you've never met in person is an awful idea, and doing it with limited funds so you're dependent on this person for everything, including transport is even worse; the naivety of this really undercuts the whole 'get a grip; he's an adult' arguments. This is not Camp America or university.

Ask him what all the secrecy is about? Adults act rationally and share their plans. They have back up plans. He's acting like a child.

It's his maturity and naivety that concerns me too.

My own ds1 (then in his 20s) travelled to the US four years ago to make a very specific journey. He had a 6-month visa which required an interview at the American Embassy and proof that he had the money to support himself and a job to come back to (he was on a sabbatical which was checked out).

While in the US he met the lovely girl who is now my ddil as it happens but it was a further 2 years before they married. My rather rambling point is that ds1 planned this trip for over 2 years before he made it and planned it in an atmosphere of complete openness. He had also saved up several thousand pounds so could cover any eventualities and had contacts in the areas he was travelling in - Pacific coast - that he could call on in an emergency.

He now knows the US very well (his PIL live in one of the Rocky Mountain states and him and ddil have made several long road trips) and certainly, wouldn't recommend Texas as the starting point for an ill-planned and under-funded adventure.

I think foreign travel is a great idea. I took off round Europe at 17 and would have been mightily pissed off if my dm had "hidden" my passport. But then I was already well-travelled and went with friends. It's not the travel, or even the distance, that's the problem here. It's the hows, whys and wheres that ring alarm bells.

I agree with expat, I can't believe some of the responses either.

It's all very well saying 'I hope my DCs are as adventurous as that at 17' but it is a totally different matter when your DCs actually do reach that age because reality kicks in and you have to take into account personalities, vulnerabilities, a changed world, US immigration (which is a totally different ballgame than it was years ago). Unless you have a DC this age, it's all hypothetical isn't it... I know I would not be allowing any of my DCs to do this - like this - when they were 17. End of.

The obvious thing to do is give US immigration a heads up, and then the op isn't the bad guy.

p.s. One of them went inter-railing round Europe at about this age, I don't stop them travelling and branching out. Just not like this. Meeting some girl off the internet and 3 months in the States with this stranger.

I'd be having nightmares if this was my son.

Does he inject himself daily? Can he take all his meds with him via US border control? Will he need a doctor's note to take them? Is it possible that they might confiscate his syringes/drugs, thinking he might be a druggie?

He obviously needs GOOD MEDICAL INSURANCE for 90 days in the US, (which will be expensive I think, if he discloses that he has a pre-existing conditrion ie diabetes which he must do to get the cover), and what if this girls (and her Mexican family) feed him only junk food so he ends up in a coma?

What if his host(s) are criminals and want to use him for some reason? (Eg Harvest his organs or get him to carry drugs back to the UK?)

I know I am getting carried away in thinking the worst, but this is what would be going through my mind. I am not being helpful, but wanted to say that YANBU to be worried.

Hope you can talk him out of going or find a way to stop him. Failing that, can you go with him for a week?

Agree with posters who think he might not get through the US immigration with his story of staying for 90 days with someone he has never met. (And this would be my hope if he actually boarded a flight.)

I understand that you really want this trip to be a good experience for him, (which it could still turn out to be), but what if it's the worst experience EVER and you didn't try to stop him going?

At least if he waits till he's older, you will have done something positive, as he will be that little bit older, and he might start to see the potential dangers?

I believe that young ppl, (esp males), have a different, (ie weaker), way to assess risk, until they reach the age of about 25 ... which has some evoutionary advantages I suppose, (eg they are willing try things which might come in useful), but there's a certain % of them who die or have lifelong problems as a result of being (too) impulsive and not understanding all the possible risks. And, although he is 17, it doesn't mean he's able to cope like a adult with a lot more life experience.

Really feel for you OP. Hope you can look into this girl and her family more if you are unable to stop or dissuade him from going.

Let us know if he goes? (Maybe someone on here will be able to help him, if things start to unravel once he gets there?)

Honestly, if I were worried, I'd do what a PP has suggested and buy her a plane ticket to come over to yours.

However, I agree that a 17 year old is old enough to travel. I understand the parental concerns, but there comes a moment where you do have to let go. And that moment is always risky, whether they are in the UK or the US. Is this trip really any more risky than a child of that age going to a music festival? Or backpacking around on a gap year? I doubt it - it's probably safer, really. It's also worth bearing in mind that there are risks in not allowing a child space to make their own mistakes and to grow up, in terms of decreased resilience and resourcefulness. You won't be around for ever to protect them, alas, and we all need to fall in the shit to learn that we can get ourselves out again without help. I worry a little bit that we have a current crop of helicopter parented children are very, very young for their age compared to my generation, and lacking in life skills to cope with the crap that can happen. I suspect that they may well have all kinds of life problems as a consequence in their late 20s as they reach an age where they really have to stand alone without the experience to see them through.